XX
Menippus
.
Aeacus
.
Empedocles
.
Socrates
. Various Shades
Menippus
In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades,
In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades,
Aeacus
That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.
That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.
Menippus
Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.
Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.
Aeacus
This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.
This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.
Menippus
Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great heroes flung down upon the earth, shapeless, undistinguishable; mere meaningless dust; ‘strengthless heads,’ and no mistake.—Who is this one, Aeacus?
Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great heroes flung down upon the earth, shapeless, undistinguishable; mere meaningless dust; ‘strengthless heads,’ and no mistake.—Who is this one, Aeacus?
Aeacus
That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas, And yonder is Xerxes.
That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas, And yonder is Xerxes.
Menippus
Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athoscanals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.
Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athoscanals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.
Aeacus
And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.
And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.
Menippus
Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.
Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.
Aeacus
Would you like to see the philosophers?
Would you like to see the philosophers?
Menippus
I should like it of all things.
I should like it of all things.
Aeacus
First comes Pythagoras.
First comes Pythagoras.
Menippus
Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.
Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.
Pythagoras
Good-day, Menippus.
Good-day, Menippus.
Menippus
What, no golden thigh nowadays?
What, no golden thigh nowadays?
Pythagoras
Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?
Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?
Menippus
Beans, friend; you don’t like beans,
Beans, friend; you don’t like beans,
Pythagoras
Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.
Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.
Aeacus
Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales, By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see,
Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales, By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see,
Menippus
The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters,
The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters,
Aeacus
That is Empedocles, He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.
That is Empedocles, He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.
Menippus
Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?
Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?
Empedocles
I did it in a fit of melancholy.
I did it in a fit of melancholy.
Menippus
Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—
Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—
Aeacus
where is Socrates?
where is Socrates?
Aeacus
He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
Menippus
But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.
But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.
Aeacus
You see the bald one?
You see the bald one?
Menippus
They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference,
They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference,
Aeacus
The snub-nosed one.
The snub-nosed one.
Menippus
There again: they are all snub-nosed.
There again: they are all snub-nosed.
Socrates
Do you want me, Menippus?
Do you want me, Menippus?
Menippus
The very man I am looking for.
The very man I am looking for.
Socrates
How goes it in Athens?
How goes it in Athens?
Menippus
There are a great many young men there professing philosophy; and to judge from their dress and their walk, they should be perfect in it.
There are a great many young men there professing philosophy; and to judge from their dress and their walk, they should be perfect in it.
Socrates
I have seen many such.
I have seen many such.
Menippus
For that matter, I suppose you saw Aristippus arrive, reeking with scent; and Plato, the polished flatterer from Sicilian courts?
For that matter, I suppose you saw Aristippus arrive, reeking with scent; and Plato, the polished flatterer from Sicilian courts?
Socrates
And what do they think about me in Athens?
And what do they think about me in Athens?
Menippus
Ah, you are fortunate in that respect. You pass for a most remarkable man, omniscient in fact. And all the time— if the truth must out—you know absolutely nothing.
Ah, you are fortunate in that respect. You pass for a most remarkable man, omniscient in fact. And all the time— if the truth must out—you know absolutely nothing.
Socrates
I told them that myself: but they would have it that that was my irony.
I told them that myself: but they would have it that that was my irony.
Menippus
And who are your friends?
And who are your friends?
Socrates
Charmides; Phaedrus; the son of Clinias.
Charmides; Phaedrus; the son of Clinias.
Menippus
Ha, ha! still at your old trade; still an admirer of beauty.
Ha, ha! still at your old trade; still an admirer of beauty.
Socrates
How could I be better occupied? Will you join us?
How could I be better occupied? Will you join us?
Menippus
No, thank you; I am off, to take up my quarters by Croesus and Sardanapalus. I expect huge entertainment from their outcries.
No, thank you; I am off, to take up my quarters by Croesus and Sardanapalus. I expect huge entertainment from their outcries.
Aeacus
I must be off, too; or some one may escape. You shall see the rest another day, Menippus.
I must be off, too; or some one may escape. You shall see the rest another day, Menippus.
Menippus
I need not detain you. I have seen enough.
I need not detain you. I have seen enough.
Dialogi mortuorum. Lucian. Henry Watson Fowler (Translator), Francis George Fowler (Translator). Medford, MA, USA. 2023-08-01.
Sponsored by Tufts University.
Funding provided by National Endowment for the Humanities.