CHARON

Let me tell you how you stand; your boat is small, as you can see, and unsound, and leaks almost all over; if it lists one way or the other, it will capsize and sink. Yet you come in such numbers all at once, each of you laden with luggage. If, then, you take all this on board, I’m afraid you’ll be sorry for it later on, particularly those of you that can’t swim.

DEAD MEN

Well, what shall we do to have a good passage?

CHARON

I’ll tell you. Strip yourselves before you come on board, and leave all this useless stuff on the shore; for, even then, the ferry will hardly hold you. It will be up to you, Hermes, to let none of them aboard after this, unless he has stripped himself and thrown away his trappings, as I said he must. Go and stand by the gangway, and sort them out for admission. Make them strip, before you let them on board.

HERMES

Well spoken. Let’s do as you say. Who’s this first one?

MENIPPUS

I’m Menippus. But see, here’s my bag for you, Hermes, and my stick; into the water with them. My cloak I didn’t even bring—and a good job too!

HERMES

Come on board, Menippus, best of men, and take the seat of honour up beside the steersman, so that you can keep an eye on the others.

HERMES

And who’s this handsome fellow?

CHARMOLEOS

Charmoleos, the darling of Megara, whose kiss was worth two talents.

HERMES

Then off with your beauty and your lips, kisses and all, your luxuriant hair, your rosy cheeks and all your skin; that’s fine, now you’re travelling light, and may come on board.

HERMES

And who are you over here, with the purple robe and diadem, you who are so solemn?

LAMPICHUS

Lampichus, tyrant of Gela.

HERMES

Well why, Lampichus, do you bring all that with you?

LAMPICHUS

Well, what should I do? Ought a tyrant to come naked, Hermes?

HERMES

A tyrant shouldn’t, but a dead man most certainly should. So off with it all.

LAMPICHUS

There you are; there goes my wealth.

HERMES

Away too with your vanity, Lampichus, and your pride; they will weigh down the ferry, if they come in along with you.

LAMPICHUS

Then at least allow me to keep my diadem and my mantle.

HERMES

Certainly not; away with these too.

LAMPICHUS

Very well. What else? I’ve thrown away everything, as you can see.

HERMES

There remain your cruelty, folly, insolence, and temper; away with these too.

LAMPICHUS

There you are; I’m stripped.

HERMES

Now you may get in. You, the fat and fleshy one, who are you?

DAMASIAS

Damasias, the athlete.

HERMES

Yes, you look like him. I know you, having often seen you in the ring.

DAMASIAS

Yes, Hermes; but let me in; I’m stripped to the skin.

HERMES

No, you’re not, my good fellow, not while you have all that flesh on you. Well, take it off, for you’ll sink the boat, if you only put one foot aboard. Off too with those wreaths and proclamations of your prowess.

DAMASIAS

There you are; I’m really stripped now, as you see, and no heavier than the other dead.

HERMES

It’s better that you should be light like that; get in then. You too, Craton, off with your wealth and your effeminacy too, and your luxury, and don’t bring your funeral trappings or your ancestors’ reputations, but leave behind family, fame, all public proclamations in your honour, and the inscriptions on your statues, and say nothing of the mighty tomb they raised over your body. Even the mention of such things weighs down the boat.

CRATON

I don’t like it, but away they go. What choice have I?

HERMES

Good gracious! You there—what do you want with all that armour? Why do you carry that trophy?

GENERAL

Because I was victorious, won the prize for valour, and was honoured by my city.

HERMES

Leave your trophy on earth above; there’s peace in Hades and weapons won’t be needed.

HERMES

But here’s an august personage, to judge by his appearance, and a proud man. Who can he be, with his haughty eyebrows, thoughtful mien, and bushy beard?

MENIPPUS

A Philosopher, Hermes, or rather an impostor, full of talk of marvels. Strip him too, and you’ll see many amusing things covered up under his cloak.

HERMES

You there, off first with your clothes, and then with all this here. Ye gods, what hypocrisy he carries, what ignorance, contentiousness, vanity, unanswerable puzzles, thorny argumentations, and complicated conceptions—yes, and plenty of wasted effort, and no little nonsense, and idle talk, and splitting of hairs, and, good heavens, here’s gold too, and soft living, shamelessness, temper, luxury, and effeminacy! I can see them, however much you try to hide them. Away with your falsehood too, and your pride, and notions of your superiority over the rest of men. If you came on board with all these, not even a battleship would be big enough for you.

PHILOSOPHER

Then I take them off, since these are your orders.

MENIPPUS

But he ought to take off that beard as well, Hermes; it’s heavy and shaggy, as you can see. He has at least five pounds of hair there.

HERMES

Well spoken. Off with that too.

PHILOSOPHER

Who will be my barber?

HERMES

Menippus here will take a shipwright’s axe and cut it off; he can use the gangway as his block.

MENIPPUS

No, Hermes, pass me up a saw. That’ll be better fun.

HERMES

The axe will do well enough. That’s fine. You look more human, now that you’ve lost that goat’s beard of yours.

MENIPPUS

Shall I take a little off his eyebrows as well?

HERMES

By all means; he has them rising high over his forehead, as he strains after something or other. What’s this? Crying, you scum? Afraid to face death? Get in with you.

MENIPPUS

He still has the heaviest thing of all under his arm.

HERMES

What, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

Flattery, Hermes, which was often most useful to him in life.

PHILOSOPHER

What about you then, Menippus? Off with your independence, plain speaking, cheerfulness, noble bearing, and laughter. You’re the only one that laughs.

HERMES

Do nothing of the sort, but keep them, Menippus; they’re light and easy to carry, and useful for the voyage.

HERMES

But you, Rhetorician, throw away your endless loquacity, your antitheses, balanced clauses, periods, foreign phrases, and everything else that makes your speeches so heavy.

RHETORICIAN

Look, away they go.

HERMES

Good. Loose the hawsers, then, let’s pull in the gangway, raise anchor and spread the sail, and you, Charon, take the rudder and see to the steering, and good luck to us.

HERMES

Why are you groaning like that, you fools, and you, in particular, the Philosopher just despoiled of the beard?

PHILOSOPHER

Because, Hermes, I thought my soul was immortal.

MENIPPUS

He’s lying; something else seems to be grieving him.

HERMES

What?

MENIPPUS

That he’ll have no more expensive dinners, or go out at night, unknown to all, with his cloak wrapped over his head, and go the round of the brothels, and never again take money next morning for cheating the young men with his show of wisdom. That’s what grieves him.

PHILOSOPHER

Aren’t you sorry to die yourself, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

How so, when I was eager for death ¹ and needed no invitation?

MENIPPUS

But, as I speak, don’t I hear the noise of what seems to be shouting on earth?

HERMES

Yes, Menippus, and coming from several quarters. In one place they’ve all flocked to the assembly, glad and laughing over the death of Lampichus, while the women have got hold of his wife, and his tiny children too are being pelted by the other children with showers of stones. Then there are others, in Sicyon, applauding Diophantus, the Rhetorician, for his funeral speech over Craton here; and, upon my word, there’s the mother of Damasias wailing with the other women, and leading the dirge over him. But nobody weeps for you, Menippus; you’re the only one lying in peace.

MENIPPUS

Not so; soon you’ll hear the dogs howling most piteous laments over me, and the ravens flapping their wings in mourning, when they gather and perform my burial.

HERMES

You’re a man of spirit, Menippus. But, now that we’ve reached port, off to the court with you along that straight path, while the ferryman and I go for another lot.

MENIPPUS

A good voyage to you, Hermes; but let’s be on our way too. Why do you keep on lingering? We shall have to be judged, and they say the sentences are heavy, wheels and stones and vultures; and the life of each of us will be revealed.

Menippus

In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades,

Aeacus

That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.

Menippus

Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.

Aeacus

This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.

Menippus

Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great heroes flung down upon the earth, shapeless, undistinguishable; mere meaningless dust; ‘strengthless heads,’ and no mistake.—Who is this one, Aeacus?

Aeacus

That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas, And yonder is Xerxes.

Menippus

Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athoscanals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.

Aeacus

And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.

Menippus

Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.

Aeacus

Would you like to see the philosophers?

Menippus

I should like it of all things.

Aeacus

First comes Pythagoras.

Menippus

Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.

Pythagoras

Good-day, Menippus.

Menippus

What, no golden thigh nowadays?

Pythagoras

Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?

Menippus

Beans, friend; you don’t like beans,

Pythagoras

Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.

Aeacus

Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales, By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see,

Menippus

The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters,

Aeacus

That is Empedocles, He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.

Menippus

Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?

Empedocles

I did it in a fit of melancholy.

Menippus

Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—

Aeacus

where is Socrates?

Aeacus

He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.

Menippus

But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.

Aeacus

You see the bald one?

Menippus

They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference,

Aeacus

The snub-nosed one.

Menippus

There again: they are all snub-nosed.

Socrates

Do you want me, Menippus?

Menippus

The very man I am looking for.

Socrates

How goes it in Athens?

Menippus

There are a great many young men there professing philosophy; and to judge from their dress and their walk, they should be perfect in it.

Socrates

I have seen many such.

Menippus

For that matter, I suppose you saw Aristippus arrive, reeking with scent; and Plato, the polished flatterer from Sicilian courts?

Socrates

And what do they think about me in Athens?

Menippus

Ah, you are fortunate in that respect. You pass for a most remarkable man, omniscient in fact. And all the time— if the truth must out—you know absolutely nothing.

Socrates

I told them that myself: but they would have it that that was my irony.

Menippus

And who are your friends?

Socrates

Charmides; Phaedrus; the son of Clinias.

Menippus

Ha, ha! still at your old trade; still an admirer of beauty.

Socrates

How could I be better occupied? Will you join us?

Menippus

No, thank you; I am off, to take up my quarters by Croesus and Sardanapalus. I expect huge entertainment from their outcries.

Aeacus

I must be off, too; or some one may escape. You shall see the rest another day, Menippus.

Menippus

I need not detain you. I have seen enough.