Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) Eunuchus 2.3

CHAEREA

(to himself.)

I’m utterly undone! The girl is nowhere; nor do I know where I am myself, to have lost sight of her. Where to inquire for her, where to search for her, whom to ask, which way to turn,

I’m at a loss. I have only this hope; wherever she is, she can not long be concealed. O what beauteous features! from this moment I banish all other women from my thoughts; I can not endure these every-day beauties.

295

PARMENO

(apart.)

Why look, here’s the other one. He’s saying something, I don’t know what, about love.

O unfortunate old man, their father! This assuredly is a youth, who, if he does begin, you will say that

the other one was mere play and pastime, compared with what the madness of this one will cause.

300

CHAEREA

(to himself, aloud.)

May all the Gods and Goddesses confound that old fellow who detained me to-day, and me as well who stopped for him, and in fact troubled myself a straw about him. But see, here’s Parmeno. (Addressing him.) Good-morrow to you.

PARMENO

Why are you out of spirits, and why in such a hurry? Whence come you?

CHAEREA

What, I? I’faith, I neither know whence I’m come, nor whither I’m going;

so utterly have I lost myself.

305

PARMENO

How, pray?

CHAEREA

I’m in love.

PARMENO

(starting.)

Ha!

CHAEREA

Now, Parmeno, you may show what sort of a man you are. You know that you often promised me to this effect: Chaerea, do you only find some object to fall in love with; I’ll make you sensible of my usefulness in such matters, when I used to be storing up my father’s provisions for you on the sly in your little room. ¹

PARMENO

To the point, you simpleton.

310

CHAEREA

Upon my faith, this is the fact. Now, then, let your promises be made good, if you please, or if indeed the affair is a deserving one for you to exert your energies upon. The girl isn’t like our girls, whom their mothers are anxious to have with shoulders kept down, and chests well girthed, ² that they may be slender. If one is a little inclined to plumpness, they declare that she’s training for a boxer, ³ and stint her food;

although their constitutions are good, by their treatment they make them as slight as bulrushes; and so for that reason they are admired, forsooth.

315

PARMENO

What sort of a girl is this one of yours?

CHAEREA

A new style of beauty.

PARMENO

(ironically.)

Astounding!

CHAEREA

Her complexion genuine, ⁴ her flesh firm and full of juiciness. ⁵

PARMENO

Her age?

CHAEREA

Her age Sixteen.

PARMENO

The very flower of youth. ⁶

CHAEREA

Do you make, it your care to obtain her for me either by force, stealth, or entreaty; so that I only gain her, it matters not how to me.

PARMENO

Well, but to whom does the damsel belong?

320

CHAEREA

That, i’faith, I don’t know.

PARMENO

Whence did she come?

CHAEREA

That, just as much.

PARMENO

Where does she live?

CHAEREA

Nor yet do I know that.

PARMENO

Where did you see her?

CHAEREA

In the street.

PARMENO

How did you come to lose her?

CHAEREA

Why, that’s what I was just now fretting myself about; and I do not believe that there is one individual to whom all good luck is a greater stranger than to myself.

What ill fortune this is!

325

I’m utterly undone!

PARMENO

What’s the matter?

CHAEREA

Do you ask me? Do you know Archidemides, my father’s kinsman and years’-mate?

PARMENO

Why not?

CHAEREA

He, while I was in full pursuit of her, met me.

PARMENO

Unseasonably, upon my faith.

CHAEREA

Aye, unhappily, rather; for other ordinary matters are to be called unseasonable, Parmeno.

It would be safe for me to make oath that I have not seen him for fully these six or seven months, until just now, when I least wanted, and there was the least occasion. Come now! isn’t this like a fatality? What do you say?

330

PARMENO

Extremely so.

CHAEREA

At once he came running up to me, from a considerable distance,

stooping, palsied, hanging his lip, and wheezing. Halloo, Chaerea! halloo! said he; I’ve something to say to you. I stopped. Do you know what it is I want with you? said he. Say on, said I. To-morrow my cause comes on, said he. What then? Be sure and tell your father to remember and be my advocate ⁷ in the morning.

335

In talking of this, an hour elapsed. ⁸ I inquired if he wanted any thing else. That’s all, said he. I left him. When I looked in this direction for the damsel, she had that very instant turned this way down this street of ours.

340

PARMENO

(aside.)

It’s a wonder if he doesn’t mean her who has just now been made a present of to Thais here.

CHAEREA

When I got here, she was nowhere to be seen.

PARMENO

Some attendants, I suppose, were accompanying the girl?

345

CHAEREA

Yes; a Parasite, and a female servant.

PARMENO

(apart.)

It’s the very same. (To CHAEREA.) It’s all over with you; make an end of it; you’ve said your last. ⁹

CHAEREA

You are thinking about something else.

PARMENO

Indeed I’m thinking of this same matter.

CHAEREA

Pray, tell me, do you know her, or did you see her?

PARMENO

I did see, and I do know her, I am aware to what house she has been taken.

CHAEREA

What, my dear Parmeno, do you know her,

350

and are you aware where she is?

PARMENO

She has been brought here (pointing) to the house of Thais the Courtesan. ¹⁰ She has been made a present to her.

CHAEREA

What opulent person is it, to be presenting a gift so precious as this?

PARMENO

The Captain Thraso, Phaedria’s rival.

CHAEREA

An unpleasant business for my brother, it should seem.

PARMENO

Aye, and if you did but know what present he is pitting against this present, you would say so still more.

CHAEREA

Troth now, what is it, pray?

PARMENO

A Eunuch. ¹¹

CHAEREA

What! that unsightly creature, pray, that he purchased yesterday, an old woman?

PARMENO

That very same.

CHAEREA

To a certainty, the gentleman will be bundled out of doors, together with his present; but I wasn’t aware that this Thais is our neighbor.

PARMENO

It isn’t long since she came.

CHAEREA

Unhappy wretch that I am! never to have seen her, even. Come now, just tell me,

is she as handsome as she is reported to be? ¹²

360

PARMENO

Quite.

CHAEREA

But nothing in comparison with this damsel of mine?

PARMENO

Another thing altogether.

CHAEREA

Troth now, Parmeno, prithee do contrive for me to gain possession of her.

PARMENO

I’ll do my best, and use all my endeavors; I’ll lend you my assistance. (Going.) Do you want any thing else with me?

CHAEREA

Where are you going now?

PARMENO

Home; to take those slaves to Thais, as your brother ordered me.

CHAEREA

Oh, lucky Eunuch that! really, to be sent as a present to that house!

PARMENO

Why so?

365

CHAEREA

Do you ask? He will always see at home a fellow-servant of consummate beauty, and be conversing with her; he will be in the same house with her; sometimes he will take his meals with her; sometimes sleep near her.

PARMENO

What now, if you yourself were to be this fortunate person?

CHAEREA

By what means, Parmeno? Tell me.

PARMENO

Do you assume his dress.

CHAEREA

His dress! Well, what then?

PARMENO

I’ll take you there instead of him.

370

CHAEREA

(musing.)

I hear you.

PARMENO

I’ll say that you are he.

CHAEREA

I understand you.

PARMENO

You may enjoy those advantages which you just now said lie would enjoy; you may take your meals together with her, be in company with her, touch her, dally with her, and sleep by her side; as not one of these women is acquainted with you, nor yet knows who you are. Besides, you are of an age and figure that you may easily pass for a eunuch.

CHAEREA

You speak to the purpose; I never knew better counsel given. Well, let’s go in at once; dress me up, take me away, lead me to her, as fast as you can.

375

PARMENO

What do you mean? Really, I was only joking.

CHAEREA

You talk nonsense.

PARMENO

I’m undone! Wretch that I am! what have I done? (CHAEREA pushes him along.) Whither are you pushing me? You’ll throw me down presently. I entreat you, be quiet.

CHAEREA

Let’s be off.

(Pushes him.)

PARMENO

Do you still persist?

CHAEREA

I am resolved upon it.

PARMENO

Only take care that this isn’t too rash a project.

CHAEREA

Certainly it isn’t; let me alone for that.

380

PARMENO

Aye, but I shall have to pay the penalty ¹³ for this?

CHAEREA

Pshaw!

PARMENO

We shall be guilty of a disgraceful action.

CHAEREA

What, is it disgraceful ¹⁴ to be taken to the house of a Courtesan, and to return the compliment upon those tormentors who treat us and our youthful age so scornfully, and who are always tormenting us in every way;—to dupe them just as we are duped by them?

Or is it right and proper that in preference my father should be wheedled out of his money by deceitful pretexts? Those who knew of this would blame me; while all would think the other a meritorious act.

385

PARMENO

What’s to be done in such case? If you are determined to do it, you must do it: but don’t you by-and-by be throwing the blame upon me.

CHAEREA

I shall not do so.

PARMENO

Do you order me, then?

CHAEREA

I order, charge, and command you; I will never disavow my authorizing you.

PARMENO

Follow me; may the Gods prosper it!

(They go into the house of LACHES.)