Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) Eunuchus 2.2

GNATHO

(to himself.)

Immortal Gods! how much does one man excel another! What a difference there is between a wise person and a fool! This strongly came into my mind from the following circumstance. As I was, coming along to-day, I met a certain person of this place, of my own rank and station,

no mean fellow, one who, like myself, had guttled away his paternal estate; I saw him, shabby, dirty, sickly, beset with rags and years;— What’s the meaning of this garb? said I; he answered, Because, wretch that I am, I’ve lost what I possessed: see to what I am reduced,—all my acquaintances and friends forsake me. On this I felt contempt for him in: comparison with myself. What! said I, you pitiful sluggard,

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have you so managed matters as to have no hope left? Have you lost your wits together with your estate? Don’t you see me, who have risen from the same condition? What a complexion I have, how spruce and well dressed, what portliness of person? I have every thing, yet have nothing; and although I possess nothing, still, of nothing am I in want. But I, said he, unhappily, can neither be a butt nor submit to blows. ¹

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What! said I, do you suppose it is managed by those means? You are quite mistaken. Once upon a time, in the early ages, there was a calling for that class; this is a new mode of coney-catching; I, in fact, have been the first to strike into this path. There is a class of men who strive to be the first in every thing, but are not; to these I make my court; I do not present myself to them to be laughed at;

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but I am the first to laugh with them, and at the same time to admire their parts: whatever they say, I commend; if they contradict that self-same thing, I commend again. Does any one deny? I deny: does he affirm? I affirm: in fine, I have so trained myself as to humor them in every thing. This calling is now by far the most productive.

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PARMENO

(apart.)

A clever fellow, upon my faith! From being fools he makes men mad outright.

GNATHO

(to himself, continuing.)

While we were thus talking, in the mean time we arrived at the market-place; overjoyed, all the confectioners ran at once to meet me; fishmongers, ² butchers, cooks, ³ sausage-makers, and fishermen, whom, both when my fortunes were flourishing and when they were ruined, I had served, and often serve still: they complimented me, asked me to dinner, and gave me a hearty welcome.

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When this poor hungry wretch saw that I was in such great esteem, and that I obtained a living so easily, then the fellow began to entreat me that I would allow him to learn this method of me; I bade him become my follower ⁴ if he could; as the disciples of the Philosophers take their names from the Philosophers themselves, so too, the Parasite; ought to be called Gnathonics.

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PARMENO

(apart to the Audience.)

Do you see the effects of ease and feeding at another’s cost?

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GNATHO

(to Iimself, continuing.)

But why do I delay to take this girl to Thais, and ask her to come to dinner? (Aside, on seeing PARMENO.) But I see Parmeno, our rival’s servant, waiting before the door of Thais with a sorrowful air; all’s safe; no doubt these people are finding a cold welcome. I’m resolved to have some sport with this knave.

PARMENO

(aside.)

They fancy that, through this present,

Thais is quite their own.

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GNATHO

(accosting PARMENO.)

With his very best wishes Gnatho greets Parmeno, his very good friend.—What are you doing?

PARMENO

I’m standing. ⁵

GNATHO

So I perceive. Pray, do you see any thing here that don’t please you?

PARMENO

Yourself.

GNATHO

I believe you,—but any thing else, pray?

PARMENO

Why so?

GNATHO

Because you are out of spirits.

PARMENO

Not in the least.

GNATHO

Well, don’t be so; but what think you of this slave?

(pointing to her.)

PARMENO

Really, not amiss.

GNATHO

(aside.)

I’ve galled the fellow.

PARMENO

(aside, on overhearing him.)

How mistaken you are in your notion!

GNATHO

How far do you suppose this gift will prove acceptable to Thais?

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PARMENO

It’s this you mean to say now, that we are discarded there. Hark you, there are vicissitudes in all things.

GNATHO

For the next six months, Parmeno, I’ll set you at ease; you sha’n’t have to be running to and fro, or sitting up till daylight. Don’t I make you happy?

PARMENO

Me? O prodigiously!

GNATHO

That’s my way with my friends.

PARMENO

I commend you.

GNATHO

I’m detaining you; perhaps you were about to go somewhere else.

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PARMENO

Nowhere.

GNATHO

In that case then, lend me your services a little; let me be introduced to her.

PARMENO

Very well; (GNATHO knocks at the door, which immediately opens) now the door is open for you, (aside) because you are bringing her.

GNATHO

(going into the house of THAIS, ironically.)

Should you like any one to be called out from here?

(Goes in with PAMPHILA, and shuts the door.)

PARMENO

(to himself.)

Only let the next two days go by; you who, at present, in such high favor, are opening the door with one little finger,

assuredly I’ll cause to be kicking at that door full oft, with your heels, to no purpose.

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(Re-enter GNATHO from the house.)

GNATHO

Still standing here, Parmeno? Why now, have you been left on guard here, that no go-between might perchance be secretly running from the Captain to her?

(Exit.)

PARMENO

Smartly said; really they ought to be wonderful things to please the Captain. But I see my master’s youngest son coming this way;

I wonder why he has come away from the Piraeus , ⁶ for he is at present on guard there in the public service. It’s not for nothing; he’s coming in a hurry, too; I can’t imagine why he’s looking around in all directions.

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