Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) Heautontimorumenos 5.1

MENEDEMUS

(to himself.)

I am quite aware that I am not so overwise, or so very quick-sighted;

but this assistant, prompter, and director ¹ of mine, Chremes, outdoes me in that. Any one of those epithets which are applied to a fool is suited to myself, such as dolt, post, ass, ² lump of lead; to him not one can apply; his stupidity surpasses them all.

875

(Enter CHREMES, speaking to SOSTRATA within.)

CHREMES

Hold now, do, wife, leave off dinning the Gods with thanksgivings

that your daughter has been discovered; unless you judge of them by your own disposition, and think that they understand nothing, unless the same thing has been told them a hundred times. But, in the mean time, why does my son linger there so long with Syrus?

880

MENEDEMUS

What persons do you say are lingering?

CHREMES

Ha! Menedemus, you have come opportunely. Tell me, have you told Clinia what I said?

MENEDEMUS

Every thing.

CHREMES

What did he say?

885

MENEDEMUS

He began to rejoice, just like people do who wish to be married.

CHREMES

(laughing.)

Ha! ha! ha!

MENEDEMUS

Why are you laughing?

CHREMES

The sly tricks of my servant, Syrus, just came into my mind.

MENEDEMUS

Did they?

CHREMES

The rogue can even mould the countenances of people. ³

MENEDEMUS

That my son is pretending that he is overjoyed, is it that you mean?

CHREMES

Just so.

(Laughing.)

MENEDEMUS

The very same thing came into my mind.

CHREMES

A crafty knave!

MENEDEMUS

Still more would you think such to be the fact, if you knew more.

CHREMES

Do you say so?

MENEDEMUS

Do you give attention then?

CHREMES

Just stop—first I want to know this, what money you have squandered; for when you told your son that she was promised, of course Dromo would at once throw in a word that golden jewels, clothes, and attendants would be needed for the bride, in order that you might give the money.

MENEDEMUS

No.

CHREMES

How, no?

MENEDEMUS

No, I tell you.

CHREMES

Nor yet your son himself?

MENEDEMUS

Not in the slightest, Chremes.

He was only the more pressing on this one point, that the match might be concluded to-day.

895

CHREMES

You say what’s surprising. What did my servant Syrus do? Didn’t even he say any thing?

MENEDEMUS

Nothing at all.

CHREMES

For what reason, I don’t know.

MENEDEMUS

For my part, I wonder at that, when you know other things so well. But this same Syrus has moulded your son, ⁴ too, to such perfection, that there could not be even the slightest suspicion that she is Clinia’s mistress!

CHREMES

What do you say?

900

MENEDEMUS

Not to mention, then, their kissing and embracing; that I count nothing.

CHREMES

What more could be done to carry on the cheat?

MENEDEMUS

Pshaw!

CHREMES

What do you mean?

MENEDEMUS

Only listen. In the inner part of my house there is a certain room at the back; into this a bed was brought, and was made up with bed-clothes.

CHREMES

What took place after this?

MENEDEMUS

No sooner said than done, thither went Clitipho.

CHREMES

Alone?

905

MENEDEMUS

Alone.

CHREMES

I’m alarmed.

MENEDEMUS

Bacchis followed directly.

CHREMES

Alone?

MENEDEMUS

Alone.

CHREMES

I’m undone!

MENEDEMUS

When they had gone into the room, they shut the door.

CHREMES

Well—did Clinia see all this going on?

MENEDEMUS

How shouldn’t he? He was with me.

CHREMES

Bacchis is my son’s mistress, Menedemus I’m undone.

MENEDEMUS

Why so?

CHREMES

I have hardly substance to suffice for ten days. ⁵

MENEDEMUS

What! are you alarmed at it, because he is paying attention to his friend?

910

CHREMES

His she-friend rather. ⁶

MENEDEMUS

If he really is paying it.

CHREMES

Is it a matter of doubt to you? Do you suppose that there is any person of so accommodating and tame a spirit as to suffer his own mistress, himself looking on, to—

MENEDEMUS

(chuckling and speaking ironically.)

Why not? That I may be imposed upon the more easily.

CHREMES

Do you laugh at me? You have good reason. How angry I now am with myself! How many things gave proof, whereby, had I not been a stone, I might have been fully sensible of this? What was it I saw? Alas! wretch that I am! But assuredly they shall not escape my vengeance if I live; for this instant—

915

MENEDEMUS

Can you not contain yourself? Have you no respect for yourself?

Am I not a sufficient example to you?

920

CHREMES

For very anger, Menedemus, I am not myself.

MENEDEMUS

For you to talk in that manner! Is it not a shame for you to be giving advice to others, to show wisdom abroad and yet be able to do nothing for yourself?

CHREMES

What shall I do?

MENEDEMUS

That which you said I failed to do:

make him sensible that you are his father; make him venture to intrust every thing to you, to seek and to ask of you; so that he may look for no other resources and forsake you. ⁷

925

CHREMES

Nay, I had much rather he would go any where in the world, than by his debaucheries here reduce his father to beggary!

For if I go on supplying his extravagance, Menedemus, in that case my circumstances will undoubtedly be soon reduced to the level of your rake.

930

MENEDEMUS

What evils you will bring upon yourself in this affair, if you don’t act with caution! You’ll show yourself severe, and still pardon him at last; that too with an ill grace.

CHREMES

Ah! you don’t know how vexed I am.

MENEDEMUS

Just as you please.

What about that which I desire—that she may be married to my son? Unless there is any other step that you would prefer.

935

CHREMES

On the contrary, both the son-in-law and the connection are to my taste.

MENEDEMUS

What portion shall I say that you have named for your daughter? Why are you silent?

CHREMES

Portion?

MENEDEMUS

I say so.

CHREMES

Alas!

MENEDEMUS

Chremes, don’t be at all afraid to speak, if it is but a small one. The portion is no consideration at all with us.

CHREMES

I did think that two talents were sufficient, according to my means. But if you wish me to be saved, and my estate and my son, you must say to this effect, that I have settled all my property on her as her portion.

940

MENEDEMUS

What scheme are you upon?

CHREMES

Pretend that you wonder at this, and at the same time ask him the reason why I do so.

MENEDEMUS

Why, really, I can’t conceive the reason for your doing so.

CHREMES

Why do I do so? To check his feelings, which are now hurried away by luxury and wantonness, and to bring him down so as not to know which way to turn himself.

945

MENEDEMUS

What is your design?

CHREMES

Let me alone, and give me leave to have my own way in this matter.

MENEDEMUS

I do give you leave: is this your desire?

CHREMES

It is so.

MENEDEMUS

Then be it so.

CHREMES

And now let your son prepare to fetch the bride. The other one shall be schooled in such language as befits children. But Syrus—

MENEDEMUS

What of him?

CHREMES

What? If I live, I will have him so handsomely dressed, so well combed out, that he shall always remember me as long as he lives; to imagine that I’m to be a laughing-stock and a plaything for him! So may the Gods bless me! he would not have dared to do to a widow-woman the things which he has done to me. ⁸

(They go into their respective houses.)