T. Maccius Plautus Pseudolus 4.7

HARPAX

(to himself.)

That slave’s a base and worthless fellow, who values his master’s commands at nought; and he, too, is good for nothing who is forgetful to do his duty unless he’s put in mind.

But those who forthwith deem themselves to be at liberty, when they have hidden themselves from the sight of their master, who riot, wench, devour what they have,—aye, what they have not,—long do those same endure the name of servitude. Nor is there any good disposition in them,

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except only that they may uphold themselves by their dishonest contrivances. With these, neither their company nor their conversation suits me, nor by these persons have I been ever known. Although he is away, I consider my master as being here; I fear him

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when he isn’t here, that I may not have to fear him when he is here. Therefore, as I have been ordered, to this business will I give my attention. But that Syrus, to whom I gave the token, would have been letting me stay even yet in the shop. As he bade me, I stayed there; he said that he would send for me when the procurer was at home. But since he hasn’t come, or called me while staying there,

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I’m come hither of my own accord, that I may know what is the fact, that that fellow mayn’t be playing tricks with me. And there is nothing better than that I should knock at this door, and call some out here from indoors. I want this procurer to take this money of me, and to send off this woman with me.

1120

(Goes towards BALLIO’S door.)

BALLIO

(from behind, to SIMO.)

Hark you!

SIMO

(apart.)

What do you want?

BALLIO

(apart.)

This fellow’s my own.

SIMO

(apart.)

How so?

BALLIO

(apart, pointing to the purse in the hand of HARPAX.)

Because that booty’s mine.

He’s in search of a mistress he has got money. I already long to fix my teeth in him.

1125

SIMO

(apart.)

Are you going to devour him already?

BALLIO

(apart.)

While he’s fresh, while he’s in the habit of giving away, while he’s warm upon it, ’tis proper for him to be gobbled up. The good men keep me poor, the bad ones support me; the virtuous are a benefit to the public, the debauched to myself.

SIMO

(aside.)

A mischief may the Gods send you; such a villain are you.

1130

BALLIO

(apart.)

Venus bestows upon me these blessings, when she drives hither these haters of money, these who quite long for losses, who carefully pamper themselves and their youthful age, eat, drink, and wench. Of quite different dispositions are they and you.

HARPAX

(to himself.)

I’m now delaying myself, in not knocking at this door, that I may know whether or no Ballio is at home now.

(Calls out, going up to the door.) Hallo! where are you? Hallo! where are you?

BALLIO

(apart.)

Why, he’s going straight up towards my house.

I shall come off finely loaded with plunder from this fellow; I know it’s a lucky omen for me.

HARPAX

(knocking violently at the door.)

Does any one come to open this door?

BALLIO

(calling out to him.)

Hallo! you in the scarf, what’s owing you at that house?

HARPAX

I’m enquiring for Ballio, the procurer, the master of the house.

1140

BALLIO

Whoever you are, young man, make short work of your enquiries.

HARPAX

Why so?

BALLIO

Because he himself in person sees you in his presence before him.

HARPAX

What, are you he?

SIMO

You in the scarf, take you care, please, of some crooked misfortune, and point your finger ¹ at him; this fellow is a procurer.

BALLIO

(pointing to SIMO.)

And this is an honest man.

(To SIMO.) But you, worthy fellow, are many a time being hunted after in the Forum with noise enough, when you haven’t a groat in the world, unless this procurer here comes to help you a bit.

1145

HARPAX

But why don’t you address yourself to me?

BALLIO

I do address you. What is it you want?

HARPAX

You to take this money.

(He holds out the five minae.)

BALLIO

(holding out his hand.)

Already have I extended my hand, if you are going to give it.

HARPAX

Take it; here are five picked minae of silver counted out.

(Gives him the money.) This did my master, Polymachaeroplagides. order me to deliver to you, the sum which he was owing, and that you were to send Phœnicium with me.

1150

BALLIO

Your master?

HARPAX

I say to that effect.

BALLIO

The Captain?

HARPAX

I speak to that effect.

BALLIO

The Macedonian?

HARPAX

Such is the fact, I say.

BALLIO

Polymachaeroplagides sent you to me?

HARPAX

You say what’s fact.

BALLIO

To give me this money?

HARPAX

If you really are

the procurer Ballio.

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BALLIO

And for you to take away the woman from me?

HARPAX

Even so.

BALLIO

Did he say that it was Phœnicium?

HARPAX

You remember it exactly.

BALLIO

Wait there; I’ll return to you this instant.

HARPAX

Make haste, then, with all speed, for I’m in a hurry. ’Tis now late in the day, d’ye see?

BALLIO

I see; still I wish to call this person aside. Do you only wait there; I’ll return to you this instant. (He takes SIMO on one side.) What’s to be done now, Simo?

What are we to do? I’ve detected this fellow that has brought the money in the fact.

1160

SIMO

How so?

BALLIO

And don’t you understand what this plan is?

SIMO

About as much as the most ignorant do.

BALLIO

Your servant, Pseudolus, has sent this fellow on the message, as though he was from the Macedonian Captain.

SIMO

Have you got the money from the fellow?

BALLIO

Do you ask about that which you see?

(Shows the purse in his hand.)

SIMO

Harkye, remember to give me one half of that plunder.

It’s right that that should be in common.

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BALLIO

Why, plague on’t, ’tis all your own ² .

HARPAX

(coming forward a step.)

How soon are you going to attend to me?

BALLIO

I’ll attend to you, indeed. (Aside.) What now do you advise me to do, Simo?

SIMO

(aside.)

Let’s make some fun of this counterfeit spy, even until he himself shall be sensible that he is being made a fool of.

BALLIO

Follow me. (To HARPAX.) What have you to say? You are his servant, I suppose?

HARPAX

Most certainly.

BALLIO

At what price did he purchase you?

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HARPAX

With the victory of his prowess in battle; for I was a very great general at home in my own country.

BALLIO

Why, did he ever capture a gaol in your country?

HARPAX

If you utter affronting speeches, you’ll be hearing them.

BALLIO

In what time did you come from Sicyon hither?

HARPAX

In one day, by noon.

SIMO

Bravo! By my troth, you did come quickly;

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how very swift of foot this man is.

BALLIO

When you look at his calves, you might know that he can wear heavy fetters.

How say you—were you also, when a child, in the habit of sleeping in a cradle?

SIMO

Of course.

BALLIO

And were you, too, in the habit of doing ³ —you know what I mean?

SIMO

Of course he was in the habit of doing as other children did?

HARPAX

Are you men in your senses?

BALLIO

What, because I asked you that?

At night, when the Captain was going on guard, and when you were going with him, did the sword of the officer fit your scabbard?

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HARPAX

Go to utter perdition.

BALLIO

You, indeed, shall have the opportunity of going there in good time to-day.

HARPAX

But do you bring out the woman to me, or else give me back the money.

BALLIO

Wait a bit.

HARPAX

Why should I wait?

BALLIO

That scarf, tell me for how much it has been lent.

HARPAX

What matters it?

SIMO

How much is the sword hired for?

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HARPAX

These fellows surely stand in need of hellebore ⁴ .

BALLIO

How now—

(Takes hold of him.)

HARPAX

(repulsing him.)

Leave me alone.

BALLIO

What wages does that broad-brimmed hat hire to-day for its owner?

HARPAX

⁵ What owner?

SIMO

What do the shoes?

HARPAX

What are you dreaming about? Why, I’m the owner of all these things, ⁶ bought with my own savings.

BALLIO

Those, you mean, which the upper part of your thighs supports ⁷ .

HARPAX

(aside.)

These old fellows have been anointed; they want themselves rubbed down ⁸ , after the old-fashioned custom.

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BALLIO

I’ faith, prithee, answer me this truly and seriously, which I ask of you: What are you to earn? For how trifling a sum has Pseudolus hired you?

HARPAX

Who is this Pseudolus?

BALLIO

Your tutor, who has instructed you in this knavery, to take away the woman hence from me by stratagem.

HARPAX

What Pseudolus, and what stratagem are you talking to me about? A person that I know of no colour, black or white.

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BALLIO

Will you not be off from here? There’s no profit here for swindlers to-day. Therefore you may tell Pseudolus that another person has carried off the prize-the first Harpax that came.

HARPAX

On my word, I really am that Harpax.

BALLIO

Aye, on my word, you want to be.

This is nothing more nor less than a downright impostor.

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HARPAX

I have given yourself the money, and a while ago, immediately on my arrival, the token to your servant; a letter sealed with the likeness of my master, here before the door.

BALLIO

You gave a letter to my servant? What servant?

HARPAX

To Syrus.

BALLIO

(to SIMO.)

The wicked rogue has assurance enough ⁹ . He hasn’t contrived his knavish scheme amiss.

By my faith, that whipping-post of a fellow, Pseudolus, how cleverly he has managed his plans; just as much money as the Captain owed, he has given this man, and has dressed out the fellow that he might take away the woman (To HARPAX.) But the real Harpax himself brought that letter hither to me.

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HARPAX

My name is Harpax; I am the servant of the Macedonian Captain. I’m doing nothing roguishly or cheatingly, nor do I know or understand this Pseudolus, what mortal being he is.

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SIMO

Unless it’s something wonderful, procurer, you’ve clearly lost the woman.

BALLIO

Assuredly, by my troth, I’m in dread of that more and more, when I come to hear his words.

I’ faith, that Syrus, too, has already set my heart a-freezing, that received the token from him. ¹⁰

1215

SIMO

’Tis a wonder if it isn’t Pseudolus.

(To HARPAX.) How now, you! of what appearance was the person to whom you delivered the token?

HARPAX

A certain red-haired fellow ¹¹ , pot-bellied, with thick calves, swarthy, with a big head, sharp eyes, red face,

and very large feet.

1220

BALLIO

You prove our undoing, when you mention the feet. It was Pseudolus himself. It’s all up with me. I’m dying now, Simo.

HARPAX

By my troth, I shan’t let you die, unless the money’s returned me-twenty minae.

SIMO

And another twenty minae to me as well.

BALLIO

(to SIMO.)

And is the sum to be taken of me that I promised by way of a joke?

SIMO

From unprincipled men it’s proper for both their money and their plunder to be taken.

1225

BALLIO

At least you might give up Pseudolus to me.

SIMO

I, give up Pseudolus to you? What has he done amiss? Did I not tell you a hundred times that you were to beware of him?

BALLIO

He has ruined me.

SIMO

And on me he has laid a fine of twenty fair minae.

BALLIO

What am I to do then?

HARPAX

When you have given me the money—go hang yourself.

BALLIO

The Gods confound you. (To HARPAX.) Follow me, then, this way, please, to the Forum, that I may pay you.

1230

HARPAX

I follow you.

SIMO

What am I to do?

BALLIO

Strangers I’ll pay at once; to-morrow I’ll settle with fellow-citizens. Pseudolus has been holding a council-general ¹² against my life, in sending that fellow to me to-day to carry off the woman. (To HARPAX.) Do you follow me, (To the AUDIENCE.) Now don’t you be expecting that I shall be returning home this way.

As matters stand, I’ve determined to go through the alleys.

1235

HARPAX

If you had walked at the rate you talk, you’d by this have been at the Forum.

BALLIO

I’m determined to make this, instead of my birthday, my dying day.

(Exit BALLIO, HARPAX following.)