T. Maccius Plautus Poenulus 1.2

ADELPHASIUM

The man who wants to find abundance of employment for himself—a woman and a ship, these two things, let him procure; for no two things do produce more trouble, if, perchance, you begin to equip them; neither are these two things ever equipped enough,

210

nor is the largest amount of equipment sufficient for them. And as I mention these things, from experience at home do I now say thus; for we two, even from daybreak up to the present hour of the day, have never ceased

215

either washing, or scrubbing, or rubbing, or dressing, smoothing, polishing, painting, trimming, with all our might, and at the same time the two maid-servants, that have been provided for each of us, have been giving us their assistance in washing and cleaning; and in carrying water two men have become quite weary.

220

Fie upon it! how great a plague there is in one female. But if there are two, I know full well that they are able to give to any one, the mightiest nation whatsoever, more trouble than enough, in being night and day, always, at all hours, dressing, washing, rubbing, polishing.

225

In fine, there’s no moderation in women, nor do we understand how ever to set a limit to washing and scrubbing. But she who is washed clean, unless she is thoroughly dressed, in my notion at least, is just as though she were dirty.

230

ANTERASTYLIS

I really wonder, sister, that you talk in this fashion; you who are so knowing, and discreet, and clever;

for when with all care we have ourselves in trim, hardly and with difficulty do we find poor pitiful admirers.

235

ADELPHASIUM

Such is the fact; but still reflect upon this one thing; a limit is best to be observed in all things, sister; all things in excess give too much trouble to mortals of themselves.

ANTERASTYLIS

Sister, prithee, do reflect that we are accounted just in the same way as pickled salt-fish ¹ is thought of—without any relish and without sweetness; unless full oft and long it is soaked in water, it smells badly, and is salt, so that you cannot touch it.

240

Just so are we. Women of this class are utterly tasteless, and devoid of grace, without dress and expense.

245

MILPHIO

(apart.)

She surely is a cook, Agorastocles, according to my notion; she knows how to soak pickled fish.

AGORASTOCLES

(pushing him away.)

Why are you thus troublesome?

ADELPHASIUM

Sister, do, there’s a dear, forbear. It’s quite sufficient for others to say that to us, not to be ourselves as well proclaiming our foibles.

250

ANTERASTYLIS

I’ll have done, then.

ADELPHASIUM

I thank you: but now answer me this; are all things here which ought to be provided for propitiating the Gods?

ANTERASTYLIS

I’ve taken care of everything.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

How charming and joyous a day, and full of delight, worthy of Venus, by my troth, whose Aphrodisia are celebrated to-day!

255

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Any thanks for me, for calling you out of doors? Oughtn’t I now to be presented with a cask of old wine? Say it shall be given. Don’t you answer me?

His tongue has fallen out, I imagine. What, plague on it, have you been struck with amazement standing here?

260

(He shakes him.)

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Do let me love on; don’t disturb me, and do hold your peace.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I’ll hold my peace.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

If you had held your peace, why then that I’ll hold my peace would not have been in existence.

ANTERASTYLIS

Let’s go, my sister.

(She moves.)

ADELPHASIUM

How now—why, prithee, are you now hastening that way?

ANTERASTYLIS

Do you ask me? Because our master is waiting for us at the Temple of Venus.

ADELPHASIUM

Let him wait, i’ faith. Do you stay;

there’s a crowd just now at the altar. Do you wish yourself to be pushed about among those common prostitutes, the doxies of bakers, the cast-offs of the spelt-bread sellers; wretched creatures, daubed over with grease ² , followers of poor slaves, who stink for you of their stable and stall ³ , their seats and very sheds; whom, in fact, not a single freeman has ever touched or taken home with him,

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the twopenny strumpets ⁴ of dirty trumpery slaves?

270

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Away with you to utter perdition! Do you dare, then, to despise the slaves, you hussey? As if she was a beauty, as if kings were in the habit of making her their choice. A monstrosity of a woman! Diminutive as she is, she does spit out such mighty words—seven nights with whom I wouldn’t purchase at a cupful of vapour.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Immortal and omnipotent Divinities, what is there among you more beauteous? What have you that I should deem you more immortal than I am myself. in beholding with my eyes these delights so great? But Venus is not Venus; for my own part, her will I worship as Venus; that she may love me and prove propitious. Milphio!—hallo! Milphio, where are you?

275

MILPHIO

(apart.)

See, here I am with you.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

But I want you boiled ⁵ .

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Why really, master, you are making merry.

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AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Why, it was from yourself I learnt all this.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

What, even to be in love with her whom you have never touched? Really, that is nonsense.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

I’ faith, the Gods as well do I love and fear from whom, nevertheless, I keep off my hands.

ANTERASTYLIS

Alas! upon my word, when I look at the dress of us both, I’m grieved at the way we are dressed out.

ADELPHASIUM

Why really, it’s quite in a proper style;

for our master’s gain and our own we are dressed quite well enough. For no profits can result, if the outlay exceeds them, sister; therefore, that is better to be had which is enough, than that which is more than enough.

285

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

So may the Gods love me, may she love me (I had rather she than the Gods), Milphio;

why, this woman has it in her power to force a flint-stone to be in love with her.

290

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Upon my faith, in that you certainly tell no lie, for you are more senseless than a flint-stone to be in love with her.<

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

But consider this, will you; I’ve never soiled her ⁶ with a kiss.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I’ll run, then, somewhere to a fish-pond or a pool, and fetch some soil.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

What need is there of that?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I’ll tell you; to soil her lips and yours.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

To utter perdition with you!

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MILPHIO

(apart.)

For my part, I’m there already.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Do you persist?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I’ll hold my tongue.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

But I wish you to do so always.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Why really, master, you challenge me at my own game, and still you make fun of me.

ANTERASTYLIS

At present, sister, I suppose you think yourself quite well enough drest; but when the instances of other courtesans are compared, then you will be having the heartache, if perchance you should see any one more nicely drest.

ADELPHASIUM

Envy was never inbred in me, my sister, nor yet spitefulness: I had rather by far that I was adorned with a good disposition than with gold; gold is met with by luck, a good disposition is found by nature. I very much prefer for myself to be called good than fortunate. It more befits a courtesan to show modesty than purple;

300

and more does it become a courtesan to show modesty than golden jewels. Evil habits soil a fine dress more than mud; good manners, by their deeds, easily set off a lowly garb.

305

AGORASTOCLES

(apart to MILPHIO.)

How now, you; would you like to play a merry and a frolicsome prank?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I should like.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Can you, then, give attention to me?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

I can.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Be off home, and go hang yourself.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Why?

310

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Because you’ll never again hear so many words as sweet as these. What need have you to live? Only listen to me, and go hang yourself.

MILPHIO

(apart)

Why yes, if, like grapes that are drying ⁷ , you’ll hang together with me.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

But I do love her.

MILPHIO

(apart.)

But I, to eat and drink.

ADELPHASIUM

(to her SISTER.)

How now, you? How say you—?

ANTERASTYLIS

What is it you ask me?

ADELPHASIUM

Do you see? My eyes which were full of dirt, are they clear now?

ANTERASTYLIS

(looking close at her eyes.)

Why, even still there’s a little dirt in the middle of the eye.

315

ADELPHASIUM

Lend me your right hand, please.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

And would you really touch or rub her eyes with unwashed hands?

ANTERASTYLIS

Too great indolence has taken possession of us to-day.

ADELPHASIUM

For what reason, prithee?

ANTERASTYLIS

Why, because we didn’t come long since, before daylight, to the Temple of Venus, to be the first to place fire upon her altar.

ADELPHASIUM

O, there’s no need for doing that;

those who have faces suited for the night only, make haste to go and sacrifice by night; before Venus is awake, they are already hurrying with all haste to sacrifice; for if they were to come when Venus is awake, so ugly are they, upon my faith, I do believe they would drive Venus herself away from the Temple.

320

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Milphio!

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Poor Milphio, i’ faith! What do you want with me now?

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Troth now, prithee, do mark how she speaks honied wine!

325

MILPHIO

(apart.)

Nothing at all, except tile-cakes ⁸ , sesamum, and poppies, wheat and parched nuts.

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Do I seem at all to be in love?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

In love to your loss, a thing that Mercury is by no means in love with ⁹ .

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

Why, really, by my troth, it befits no lover to be in love with pelf.

ANTERASTYLIS

Let’s go, my sister.

ADELPHASIUM

Do, please, just as you like.

Follow me this way.

ANTERASTYLIS

I’ll follow.

(They move.)

AGORASTOCLES

(apart.)

They are going.

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What if we accost them?

MILPHIO

(apart.)

You accost them.

AGORASTOCLES

(going towards them.)

In the first place, health to you, the elder; and you, the younger, health to you in the second degree of estimation; (to the ATTENDANT) you, the third, health to you, without any place in my estimation.

ATTENDANT

In that case, faith, I’ve wasted my oil and my labour.

AGORASTOCLES

(to ADELPHASIUM.)

Whither are you betaking yourself?

ADELPHASIUM

What I? To the Temple of Venus.

AGORASTOCLES

Why thither?

ADELPHASIUM

To propitiate Venus.

AGORASTOCLES

How now? Is she angry, then? Upon my faith, she is propitious. I will even answer for her.

(Stands before her.)

ADELPHASIUM

What are you about?

335

Prithee, why are you annoying me?

AGORASTOCLES

Thus cruel? Alas!

ADELPHASIUM

Let me go away, I beg of you.

AGORASTOCLES

Why in such a hurry? There’s a crowd there at present.

ADELPHASIUM

I know it; there are other females there whom I wish to see, and by whom to be seen.

AGORASTOCLES

How can it give you pleasure to look at ugly people, and to afford one so beauteous to be looked at?

ADELPHASIUM

Because to-day, at the Temple of Venus, there’s a fair for the courtesans;

there the dealers meet; there I wish myself to be shown.

340

AGORASTOCLES

To wares unsaleable, its right to entice the buyer of one’s own accord; good wares easily meet with a purchaser, although they may be placed in concealment. How say you? When, at my house here (pointing) will you lay your head and side by me?

ADELPHASIUM

On the day on which Orcus sends away the dead ¹⁰ from Acheron.

AGORASTOCLES

I’ve got in-doors I know not how many golden coins in a state of madness.

345

ADELPHASIUM

Bring them to me; I’ll make their madness pretty soon come to an end.

MILPHIO

(with indignation.)

A nice one, upon my word!

AGORASTOCLES

Away to utter and extreme perdition with you, and go and be hanged!

MILPHIO

(aside to AGORASTOCLES.)

The more I look at her, the more insignificant ¹¹ she is, and a mere bauble.

AGORASTOCLES

Keep your prating to yourself; I’m tired of it.

(To ADELPHASIUM.) Come, do lift up this outer garment.

(Raises it from the ground, and attempts to embrace her.)

ADELPHASIUM

I’m in a state of purity ¹² ; prithee forbear to touch me, Agorastocles.

350

AGORASTOCLES

What am I to do, then?

ADELPHASIUM

If you are wise, you may be saving yourself your anxiety.

AGORASTOCLES

What? Me not be anxious on your account? What are you about, Milphio?

(Beckons to him.)

MILPHIO

(aside.)

See now, my aversion, this ¹³ . (Aloud.) What is it you want with me?

AGORASTOCLES

(pointing to ADELPHASIUM.)

Why is she angry with me?

MILPHIO

Why is she angry with you? Why should I trouble myself about that? For that is rather your own concern.

AGORASTOCLES

On my word, it’s all over with you this very instant, if you don’t make her as smooth for me as the sea is at the time when the halcyon ¹⁴ is rearing her young ones there.

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MILPHIO

What am I to do?

AGORASTOCLES

Entreat her, soothe, and flatter her.

MILPHIO

I’ll do so with all diligence; but see, please, that you don’t afterwards be giving this ambassador of yours a dressing with your fists.

AGORASTOCLES

I’ll not do so.

ADELPHASIUM

(to her SISTER.)

Let’s now begone. (AGORASTOCLES stands before her.) Do you detain me still? You act badly;

you make me many fair promises ¹⁵ ; of those many, the whole come to nothing at all. Not once, but a hundred times, have you sworn to give me my freedom. While depending on you, I have neither anywhere procured any other resources for myself, nor is this assistance of yours at all visible. And thus none the less am I still a slave. Move on, sister. (To AGORASTOCLES.) Get you gone from me!

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AGORASTOCLES

Utterly undone! Come now, Milphio, what are you about?

(Points at ADELPHASIUM.)

MILPHIO

(addressing ADELPHASIUM.)

My joy, my delight, my life, my pleasure, apple of my eye, my little lip, my health, my sweet kiss, my honey, my heart, my biestings, my cream-cheese—

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AGORASTOCLES

(aside.)

Am I to allow these things to be said in my presence? I’m quite distracted, wretch that I am, if I don’t order him at full speed to be hurried off to the executioner in a chariot and four!

MILPHIO

(to ADELPHASIUM.)

Prithee, for my sake, don’t be angry with my master. I’ll make—

370

ADELPHASIUM

Let me alone.

MILPHIO

You are too cross. He’ll pay the money for you, and make you a citizen of Attica ¹⁶ , and a free woman.

ADELPHASIUM

(to MILPHIO, who is standing before her .)

But why don’t you let me go away? What is it you want? Just as he wishes me well, in like manner do you wish me well.

MILPHIO

If, indeed, he has deceived you before, from this time forward he shall be truthful to you.

ADELPHASIUM

Get you gone hence, will you, you trepanner.

MILPHIO

I’ll obey you. But on what terms—do you understand?

Do let me prevail upon you; do let me take you by those little ears ¹⁷ ; do let me give you a kiss.

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By my troth, I shall now set him a weeping, if I don’t make you kind; and (unless I do make you kind he certainly will do it) I’m dreadfully afraid lest he should beat me. I know the harsh manners of this crabbed man.

Wherefore, my delight, pray do let me prevail upon you.

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AGORASTOCLES

(aside.)

I’m not a man worth threepence ¹⁸ , if I don’t tear out the eyes and teeth of that whip-scoundrel. (He beats MILPHIO.) There’s your delight for you! There’s your honey! There’s your heart! There are your biestings ¹⁹ ! There’s your health! There’s your sweet kiss!

(Giving him a blow at each sentence.)

MILPHIO

Master, you are rendering yourself guilty of impiety! You are beating an ambassador.

AGORASTOCLES

More than that even still.

(Beating him again.) I shall now add the apple of the eye, the little lip too, and the tongue.

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MILPHIO

When will you be making an end?

AGORASTOCLES

Was it in that fashion I requested you to plead for me?

MILPHIO

How then was I to plead?

AGORASTOCLES

Do you ask me that? Why thus you should have said, you scoundrel: his delight, I do entreat of you, his honey, his heart, his little lip, his tongue, his sweet kiss, his biestings, his sweet cream-cheese, you whip-scoundrel.

All these things which you spoke of as yours, you should have mentioned as mine.

MILPHIO

(addressing ADELPHASIUM.)

By my troth, I do entreat you, his delight and my own aversion; his full-bosomed mistress, my enemy and evil-wisher; his eye, my eyesore; his honey, my gall—

don’t you be angry with him; or, if that cannot be, do take a rope and hang yourself, with your master and your household: for I see that henceforth, on your account, I shall have to live upon sighing; and as it is, I’ve already got my back about as hard with weals as an oyster-shell, by reason of your amours.

395

ADELPHASIUM

Prithee, do you wish me to hinder him

from beating you, rather than that he should not prove untrue towards me?

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ANTERASTYLIS

(to her SISTER.)

Do answer him in somewhat kindly terms, there’s a dear, that he mayn’t be annoying to us; for he’s detaining us from our purpose.

ADELPHASIUM

That’s true. This one fault more will I pardon you for, Agorastocles. I am not angry.

AGORASTOCLES

You are not?

ADELPHASIUM

I am not.

AGORASTOCLES

That I may believe you, give me a kiss then.

ADELPHASIUM

I’ll give you one by-and-by, when I return from the sacrifice.

405

AGORASTOCLES

Be off, then, in all haste.

ADELPHASIUM

Follow me, sister.

AGORASTOCLES

And do you hear too? Pay all compliments to Venus in my name.

ADELPHASIUM

I’ll pay them.

AGORASTOCLES

Listen to this, too—

ADELPHASIUM

What is it?

AGORASTOCLES

Perform the ceremony in few words. And do you hear? Look back at me. (She looks back.) She did look back. By my troth, I trust that Venus will do the same for you.

(ADELPHASIUM, ANTERASTYLIS, and ATTENDANT go into the Temple of Venus.)