T. Maccius Plautus Mostellaria 4.4

PHANISCUS

(coming forward.)

Really, I don’t hear either the sound of revellers here, as once it was, nor yet the music-girl singing, nor any one else.

(Goes towards the door.)

THEUROPIDES

What’s the matter here? What are these people seeking at my house? What do they want? What are they peeping in for?

935

PHANISCUS

I shall proceed to knock at the door. (Knocks.) Hallo there, unlock the door! Hallo, Tranio! are you going to open it, I say?

THEUROPIDES

(advancing.)

What story’s this, I wonder?

PHANISCUS

(aloud.)

Are you going to open it, I say? I’ve come to fetch my master Callidamates.

THEUROPIDES

Harkye, you lads! what are you doing there? Why are you breaking down that door?

PHANISCUS

Our master’s at a drinking-party here.

THEUROPIDES

Your master at a drinking-party here?

PHANISCUS

I say so.

THEUROPIDES

You’re carrying the joke too far, my lad.

PHANISCUS

We’ve come to fetch him.

THEUROPIDES

What person?

PHANISCUS

Our master. Prithee, how often must I tell you?

THEUROPIDES

There’s no one living here my lad; for I do think that you are a decent lad.

PHANISCUS

Doesn’t a young gentleman called Philolaches live in this house?

950

ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates

(aside.)

This old fellow’s crack-brained, surely.

PHANISCUS

You are entirely mistaken, respected sir ¹ ; for unless he moved from here to-day or yesterday, I know for certain that he’s living here.

THEUROPIDES

Why, no one has been living here for these six months past.

ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates

You are dreaming.

THEUROPIDES

What, I?

955

ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates

You.

THEUROPIDES

Don’t you be impertinent. Let me speak to the lad. (Pointing to PHANISCUS.)

PHANISCUS

No one lives there? O dear—

THEUROPIDES

It’s the fact.

PHANISCUS

Really! why, yesterday and the day before, ² four, five, six days ago, all along, in fact, since his father went abroad from here, eating and drinking have never ceased for a single three days here.

THEUROPIDES

What is it you say?

PHANISCUS

That eating and drinking have never stopped for a single three days here,

bringing in wenches, living like Greeks, hiring harpists and music-girls.

960

THEUROPIDES

Who was it did this?

PHANISCUS

Philolaches.

THEUROPIDES

What Philolaches?

PHANISCUS

He whose father I take to be Theuropides.

THEUROPIDES

(apart.)

O dear, O dear! I’m utterly undone, if he says the truth in this. I’ll continue to question him still Do you say that this Philolaches, whoever he is, has been in the habit of drinking here together

with your master?

965

PHANISCUS

Here, I tell you.

THEUROPIDES

My lad, contrary to your appearance, you are a fool. See now, please, that you’ve not perchance been dropping in somewhere for an afternoon’s whet ³ , and have been drinking there a little more than was enough.

PHANISCUS

What do you mean?

THEUROPIDES

Just what I say: don’t be going by mistake to other persons’ houses.

PHANISCUS

I know where I ought to go, and the place to which I was to come.

Philolaches lives here, whose father is Theuropides; and who, after his father went away to trade, made free a music-girl here.

970

THEUROPIDES

Philolaches, say you?

PHANISCUS

Just so; Philematium, I mean.

THEUROPIDES

For how much?

ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates

For thirty talents.

PHANISCUS

No, by Apollo ⁴ ; you mean minae.

THEUROPIDES

Do you say that a mistress was purchased for Philolaches for thirty minae?

PHANISCUS

I do say so.

975

THEUROPIDES

And that he gave her her freedom?

PHANISCUS

I do say so.

THEUROPIDES

And that after his father had departed hence abroad, he has been carousing here continually with your master?

PHANISCUS

I do say so.

THEUROPIDES

Well, has he made purchase of the house next door here?

PHANISCUS

I don’t say so.

THEUROPIDES

Has he given forty minae, too, to this person, to be as a deposit?

PHANISCUS

Nor yet do I say so.

THEUROPIDES

Ah me! you’ve proved my ruin!

PHANISCUS

Aye, and he has proved the ruin of his father.

THEUROPIDES

You prophesy the truth! I could wish it false!

980

PHANISCUS

A friend of his father, I suppose?

THEUROPIDES

Ah me! Upon my faith, you do pronounce him to be a wretched father.

PHANISCUS

Why really, this is nothing at all—thirty minae, in comparison with the other expenses he has incurred in good living.

He has ruined his father.

There’s one servant there a very great scoundrel, Tranio by name; he could even waste the revenue of a Hercules ⁵ .

On my word, I’m sadly distrest for his father; for when he comes to know that things have gone on thus, a hot coal will be scorching his breast, poor man.

985

THEUROPIDES

If, indeed, this is the truth.

PHANISCUS

What am I to gain, that I should tell a lie?

(Knocks again at the door.) Hallo, you! is any one coming to open this door?

ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates

Why do you knock in this way, when there’s no one in the house?

PHANISCUS

I fancy that he’s gone elsewhere to carouse. Now then, let’s begone.

(They move as if going.)

THEUROPIDES

What, my lad, are you off then?

Liberty’s the overcoat for your back ⁶ .

PHANISCUS

Nothing have I with which to cover my back, except to pay respect and service to my master.

(Exeunt PHANISCUS and SERVANT.)