T. Maccius Plautus Mostellaria 3.2

SIMO

(to himself.)

I’ve not enjoyed myself better at home this year than I have to-day, nor has at any time any meal pleased me better. My wife provided a very nice breakfast for me; now she bids me go take a nap. By no means! It instantly struck me that it didn’t so happen by chance.

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She provided a better breakfast than is her wont; and then, the old lady wanted to draw me away to my chamber. Sleep is not good ¹ after breakfast—out upon it! I secretly stole away from the house, out of doors. My wife, I’m sure, is now quite bursting with rage at home.

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TRANIO

(apart.)

A sore mischance is provided for this old fellow by the evening; for he must both dine and go to bed in-doors in sorry fashion.

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SIMO

(continuing.)

The more I reflect upon it in my mind: if any person has a dowried wife, sleep has no charms for him.

I detest going to take a nap. It’s a settled matter with me to be off to the Forum from here, rather than nap it at home. And, i’ faith (to the AUDIENCE), I don’t know how your wives are in their behaviour; this wife of mine, I know right well how badly she treats me,

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and that she will prove more annoying to me hereafter than she has been.

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TRANIO

(apart.)

If your escape, old gentleman, turns out amiss, there’ll be no reason for you to be accusing any one of the Gods; by very good right, you may justly lay the blame upon yourself. It’s time now for me to accost this old fellow.

’Tis down upon him ² . I’ve hit upon a plan whereby to cajole the old fellow, by means of which to drive grief ³ away from me. I’ll accost him. (Accosting him.) May the Gods, Simo, send on you many blessings!

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(Takes him by the hand.)

SIMO

Save you, Tranio!

TRANIO

How fare you?

SIMO

Not amiss. What are you about?

TRANIO

Holding by the hand a very worthy man.

SIMO

You act in a friendly way,

in speaking well of me.

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TRANIO

It certainly is your due.

SIMO

But, i’ faith, in you I don’t hold a good servant by the hand.

THEUROPIDES

(calling from a distance, where he is not perceived by SIMO.)

Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.

TRANIO

(turning round.)

I’ll be there just now.

SIMO

Well now, how soon—?

TRANIO

What is it?

SIMO

The usual goings-on.

TRANIO

Tell me then, these usual goings-on, what are they?

SIMO

The way that you yourselves proceed. But, Tranio, to say the truth, according as men are, it so befits you to humour them;

reflecting, at the same time, how short life is.

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TRANIO

What of all this? Dear me, at last, after some difficulty, I perceive that you are talking about these goings-on of ours.

SIMO

I’ faith, you people are living a merry life, just as befits you:

on wine, good cheer, nice dainty fish, you enjoy life.

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TRANIO

Why yes, so it was in time past, indeed; but now these things have come to an end all at once.

SIMO

How so?

TRANIO

So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!

SIMO

Won’t you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously with you hitherto.

TRANIO

I don’t deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the breeze now forsaken our ship—

SIMO

What’s the matter? In what way?

TRANIO

In a most shocking way.

SIMO

What, wasn’t it hauled ashore ⁴ in safety?

TRANIO

Ah me!

SIMO

What’s the matter?

TRANIO

Ah wretched me! I’m utterly undone!

SIMO

How so?

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TRANIO

Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our ship.

SIMO

I would wish as you would wish, Tranio, for your own sake. But what is the matter? Do inform me.

TRANIO

I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.

SIMO

In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.

TRANIO

Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don’t give information to my master.

SIMO

Don’t you fear; he shall know nothing from me.

TRANIO

Blessings on you, my patron.

SIMO

I don’t care for clients of this description for myself.

TRANIO

Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.

SIMO

First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters?

TRANIO

Nothing whatever.

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SIMO

Has he censured his son at all?

TRANIO

He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.

SIMO

It’s not for sale.

TRANIO

I know that indeed; but the old gentleman

wishes to build a woman’s apartment ⁵ here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.

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SIMO

What has he been dreaming of?

TRANIO

I’ll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women.

But he says that some builder, I don’t know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being remarkably well built; now he’s desirous to take a model from it, if you don’t make any objection—

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SIMO

Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of poor workmanship.

TRANIO

It was because he heard that here the summer heat was much modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day long.

SIMO

Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there’s shade in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.

TRANIO

Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria ⁶ ?

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SIMO

Don’t be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.

TRANIO

Still, he wishes to look over it.

SIMO

He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.

TRANIO

Am I to go and call this person hither?

SIMO

Go and call him.

TRANIO

(to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to call THEUROPIDES.)

They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles ⁷ achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I’ve hit upon a novel trade for myself, not a bad one;

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whereas muleteers have mules to carry pack-saddles; I’ve got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now, I don’t know whether I am to address him. I’ll accost him, however. (Calling aloud.) Hark you, Theuropides!

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THEUROPIDES

(coming forward.)

Well; who’s calling me?

TRANIO

A servant most attached to his master.

Where you sent me, I got it all agreed to.

THEUROPIDES

Prithee, why did you stay there so long?

TRANIO

The old gentleman hadn’t leisure; I was waiting until then.

THEUROPIDES

You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.

TRANIO

Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and swallow ⁸ at the same moment isn’t easy to be done; I couldn’t be here and there at the same time.

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THEUROPIDES

What now?

TRANIO

Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.

THEUROPIDES

Very well, you go before me.

TRANIO

Am I delaying to do so?

THEUROPIDES

I’ll follow after you.

TRANIO

(as they advance.)

Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold this house.

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THEUROPIDES

Why so?

TRANIO

He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.

THEUROPIDES

I don’t think he will. Each man reaps on his own farm ⁹ . If it had been bought dear,

we shouldn’t have had permission to return it on his hands. Whatever profit there is, it’s proper to bring it home. It don’t, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.

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TRANIO

I’ faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Follow me.

THEUROPIDES

Be it so.

TRANIO

(to THEUROPIDES.)

I’ll give you my services.

(Pointing.) There’s the old gentleman. (To SIMO.) Well now, I’ve brought you this person.

SIMO

I’m glad that you’ve arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides.

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THEUROPIDES

May the Gods bless you.

SIMO

Your servant was telling me that you were desirous to look over this house.

THEUROPIDES

Unless it’s inconvenient to you.

SIMO

Oh no; quite convenient. Do step in-doors and look over it.

THEUROPIDES

(pausing.)

But yet—the ladies—

SIMO

Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house just as though it were your own.

THEUROPIDES

(apart to TRANIO.)

Just as though—?

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TRANIO

(whispering.)

Oh, take care that you don’t throw it in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don’t you see him, how sad a countenance the old gentleman has?

THEUROPIDES

(apart.)

I see.

TRANIO

(apart.)

Then don’t seem to exult, and to be overmuch delighted; in fact, don’t make mention that you’ve bought it.

THEUROPIDES

(apart.)

I understand; and I think you’ve given good advice, and that it shows a humane disposition.

(Turning to SIMO.) What now?

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SIMO

Won’t you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.

THEUROPIDES

I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.

SIMO

Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.

THEUROPIDES

Away with any one to show ¹⁰ me over. I don’t want him.

SIMO

Why? What’s the matter?

THEUROPIDES

I’ll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over. ¹¹

TRANIO

(pointing.)

Don’t you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what a compass it is?

THEUROPIDES

Troth, really handsome!

TRANIO

Well, look now, what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.

THEUROPIDES

I don’t think that I ever saw handsomer pillars.

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SIMO

I’ faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!

TRANIO

(aside, whispering.)

Don’t you hear— They were once? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.

THEUROPIDES

At what price did you purchase them?

SIMO

I gave three minae for the two, besides the carriage.

(He retires to some distance.)

THEUROPIDES

(after looking close at them, to TRANIO.)

Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.

TRANIO

Why so?

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THEUROPIDES

Because, i’ faith, the woodworm has split them both from the bottom.

TRANIO

I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan ¹² did this work. Don’t you see the joints in the door? (Pointing.)

THEUROPIDES

I see them.

TRANIO

Look, how close together they are sleeping.

THEUROPIDES

Sleeping?

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TRANIO

That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you satisfied?

THEUROPIDES

The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.

TRANIO

(pointing.)

Don’t you see the painting, where one crow ¹³ is baffling two vultures?

The crow stands there; it’s pecking at them both in turn.

This way, look, prithee, towards me ¹⁴ , that yon may be able to see the crow.

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(THEUROPIDES turns towards him.) Now do you see it?

THEUROPIDES

(looking about.)

For my part, I really see no crow there.

TRANIO

But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the vultures. (THEUROPIDES turns towards SIMO.) Now do you see them?

THEUROPIDES

Upon my faith, I don’t see them.

TRANIO

But I can see two vultures.

THEUROPIDES

To make an end of it with you, I don’t see any bird at all painted here.

TRANIO

Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot see.

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THEUROPIDES

These things which I can see, really they do all please me mightily.

SIMO

(coming forward.)

Now, at length, it’s worth your while to move further on.

THEUROPIDES

Troth, you give good advice.

SIMO

(calling at the door.)

Ho there, boy! take this person round this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round, if I hadn’t had business at the Forum.

THEUROPIDES

Away with any one to show me over. I don’t want to be shown over. Whatever it is, I’d rather go wrong than any one should show me over.

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SIMO

The house I’m speaking of.

THEUROPIDES

Then I’ll go in without any one to show me over.

SIMO

Go, by all means.

THEUROPIDES

I’ll go in-doors, then.

TRANIO

(holding him back.)

Stop, please; let me see whether the dog—

THEUROPIDES

Very well then, look.

(TRANIO looks into the passage.)

TRANIO

There is one.

THEUROPIDES

(looking in.)

Where is it?

TRANIO

(to the dog.)

Be off and be hanged! ’st, won’t you be off to utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? ’st, away with you from here!

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SIMO

(coming nearer to the door.)

There’s no danger. You only move on. It’s as gentle ¹⁵ as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors wherever you like. I’m going hence to the Forum.

THEUROPIDES

You’ve acted obligingly. Good speed to you. (Exit SIMO.) Tranio, come, make that dog move away from the door inside,

although it isn’t to be feared.

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TRANIO

Nay but (pointing), you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless you’d like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly—

THEUROPIDES

Very well, just as you like.

TRANIO

Follow me this way then.

THEUROPIDES

For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet.

(They go into the house.)