T. Maccius Plautus Mostellaria 3.1

A BANKER

(to himself.)

I never knew any year worse for money upon interest, than this year has turned out to me. From morning even until night, I spend my time in the Forum;

I cannot lend out a coin of silver to any one. (Enter TRANIO.)

535

TRANIO

(apart.)

Now, faith, I am clearly undone in an everlasting way! The Banker’s here who found the money with which his mistress was bought. The matter’s all out, unless I meet him a bit beforehand,

so that the old man may not at present come to know of this. I’ll go meet him. But (seeing THEUROPIDES) I wonder why he has so soon betaken himself homeward again. I’m afraid that he has heard something about this affair. I’ll meet him, and accost him. But how dreadfully frightened I am! Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man with a guilty conscience,

540

such as possesses myself. But however this matter turns out, I’ll proceed to perplex it still further: so does this affair require.

545

(Enter THEUROPIDES.)

TRANIO

(accosting him.)

Whence come you?

THEUROPIDES

I met that person from whom I bought this house.

TRANIO

Did you tell him anything about that which I was telling you?

THEUROPIDES

I’ faith, I certainly told him everything.

TRANIO

(aside.)

Woe to unfortunate me!

I’m afraid that my schemes are everlastingly undone!

550

THEUROPIDES

What is it you are saying to yourself?

TRANIO

Why nothing. But tell me, prithee, did you really tell him?

THEUROPIDES

I told him everything in its order, I tell you.

TRANIO

Does he, then, confess about the guest?

THEUROPIDES

Why no; he utterly denies it.

TRANIO

Does he deny it?

THEUROPIDES

Do you ask me again?

I should tell you if he had confessed it. What now are you of opinion ought to be done?

TRANIO

What is my opinion? By my troth, I beg of you, appoint an arbitrator together with him; but take you care that you appoint one who will believe me; you’ll overcome him as easily as a fox eats a pear ¹ .

A BANKER

(to himself.)

But see, here’s Tranio, the servant of Philolaches, people who pay me neither interest nor principal on my money.

560

(Goes towards TRANIO, who steps forward to meet him.)

THEUROPIDES

(to TRANIO.)

Whither are you betaking yourself?

TRANIO

I’m going no whither. (Aside.) For sure, I am a wretch, a rascal, one born with all the Gods my foes! He’ll now be accosting me in the old man’s presence. Assuredly, I am a wretched man;

in such a fashion both this way and that do they find business for me. But I’ll make haste and accost him. (Moves towards the BANKER.)

565

A BANKER

(apart.)

He’s coming towards me. I’m all right I’ve some hopes of my money;

he’s smiling.

TRANIO

(to himself.)

The fellow’s deceived. ² (To the BANKER.) I heartily bid you hail, my friend Saturides ³ .

A BANKER

And hail to you. What about the money?

TRANIO

Be off with you, will you, you brute.

Directly you come, you commence the attack ⁴ against me.

570

A BANKER

(apart.)

This fellow’s empty-handed.

TRANIO

(overhearing him.)

This fellow’s surely a conjurer.

A BANKER

But why don’t you put an end to this trifling?

TRANIO

Tell me, then, what it is you want.

A BANKER

Where is Philolaches?

TRANIO

You never could have met me more opportunely than you have met me.

A BANKER

How’s that?

575

TRANIO

(taking him aside.)

Step this way.

A BANKER

(aloud.)

Why isn’t the money repaid me?

TRANIO

I know that you have a good voice; don’t bawl out so loud.

A BANKER

(aloud.)

I’ faith, I certainly shall bawl out.

TRANIO

O do humour me now.

A BANKER

What do you want me to humour you in?

TRANIO

Prithee, be off hence home.

A BANKER

Be off?

TRANIO

Return here about mid-day.

A BANKER

Will the interest be paid then?

580

TRANIO

It will be paid. Be off.

A BANKER

Why should I run to and fro here, or use or waste my pains? What if I remain here until mid-day in preference?

TRANIO

Why no; be off home. On my word, I’m telling the truth. Only do be off.

A BANKER

(aloud.)

Then do you pay me my interest. Why do you trifle with me this way?

585

TRANIO

Bravo! faith. Really now, do be off; do attend to me.

A BANKER

(aloud.)

I’ faith, I’ll call him now by name.

TRANIO

Bravo! stoutly done! Really you are quite rich now when you bawl out.

A BANKER

(aloud.)

I’m asking for my own. In this way you’ve been disappointing me for these many days past.

If I’m troublesome, give me back the money; I’ll go away then. That expression ⁵ puts an end to all replies.

590

TRANIO

(pretending to offer it him.)

Then, take the principal ⁶ .

A BANKER

(aloud.)

Why no, the interest; I want that first.

TRANIO

What? Have you, you fellow most foul of all fellows, come here to burst yourself? Do what lies in your power.

He’s not going to pay you; he doesn’t owe it.

595

A BANKER

Not owe it?

TRANIO

Not a tittle, indeed, can you get from here. Would you prefer for him to go abroad, and leave the city in exile, driven hence for your sake? Why then, in preference let him pay the ⁷ principal.

A BANKER

But I don’t ask for it.

THEUROPIDES

(calling out to TRANIO, from a distance.)

Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.

599600

TRANIO

(to THEUROPIDES.)

I’ll be there just now. (To the BANKER.) Don’t you be troublesome: no one’s going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.

(Moves towards THEUROPIDES.)

A BANKER

(bawling aloud.)

Give me my interest! pay me my interest! you pay my interest! Are you going to give me my interest this instant?

Give me my interest!

605

TRANIO

Interest here, interest there! The old rogue knows how to talk about nothing but interest. I do not think that ever I saw any beast more vile than you.

A BANKER

Upon my faith, you don’t alarm me now with those expressions.

This is of a hot nature; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly ⁸ .

TRANIO

⁹ Don’t you be troublesome; no one’s going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.

THEUROPIDES

(to TRANIO.)

Pray, what interest is this that he is asking for?

610

TRANIO

(in a low voice, to the BANKER.)

Look now; his father has arrived from abroad, not long since; he’ll pay you both interest and principal; don’t you then attempt any further to make us your enemies. See whether he puts you off.

A BANKER

Nay but, I’ll take it, if anything’s offered.

THEUROPIDES

(to TRANIO, coming towards him.)

What do you say, then—?

615

TRANIO

What is it you mean?

THEUROPIDES

Who is this? What is he asking for? Why is he thus rudely speaking of my son Philolaches in this way, and giving you abuse to your face? What’s owing him?

TRANIO

(to THEUROPIDES.)

I beg of you, do order the money to be thrown in the face of this dirty brute.

THEUROPIDES

I, order it?

620

TRANIO

Order the fellow’s face to be pelted with money.

A BANKER

(coming nearer.)

I could very well put up with a pelting with money.

THEUROPIDES

(to TRANIO.)

What money’s this?

TRANIO

Philolaches owes this person a little.

THEUROPIDES

How much?

TRANIO

About forty minae.

A BANKER

(to THEUROPIDES.)

Really, don’t think much of that;

it’s a trifle, in fact.

TRANIO

Don’t you hear him? Troth now, prithee, doesn’t he seem just suited to be a Banker—a generation that’s most roguish?

625

THEUROPIDES

I don’t care, just now, for that, who he is or whence he is;

this I want to be told me, this I very much wish to know—

I heard from him that there was interest owing on the money as well.

TRANIO

Forty-four minae are due to him.

630

Say that you’ll pay it, that he may be off.

THEUROPIDES

I, say that I’ll pay it?

TRANIO

Do say so.

THEUROPIDES

What, I?

TRANIO

You yourself. Do only say so. Do be guided by me. Do promise. Come now, I say; I beg of you.

THEUROPIDES

Answer me; what has been done with this money?

TRANIO

It’s safe.

THEUROPIDES

Pay it yourselves then, if it’s safe,

TRANIO

Your son has bought a house.

THEUROPIDES

A house?

TRANIO

A house.

THEUROPIDES

Bravo! Philolaches is taking after his father! The fellow now turns to merchandize.

A house, say you?

640

TRANIO

A house, I tell you. But do you know of what sort?

THEUROPIDES

How can I know?

TRANIO

Out with you!

THEUROPIDES

What’s the matter?

TRANIO

Don’t ask me that.

THEUROPIDES

But why so?

TRANIO

Bright as a mirror, pure brilliancy itself.

THEUROPIDES

Excellently done, upon my faith! Well, how much did he agree to give for it?

TRANIO

As many great talents as you and I put together make;

but these forty minae he paid by way of earnest. (Pointing to the BANKER.) From him he received what we paid the other man. Do you quite understand ¹⁰ ? For after this house was in such a state as I mentioned to you, he at once purchased another house for himself.

645

THEUROPIDES

Excellently done, upon my faith!

A BANKER

(touching TRANIO.)

Hark you. Mid-day is now close at hand.

TRANIO

Prithee, do dismiss this puking fellow, that he mayn’t worry us to death.

¹¹ Forty-four minae are due to him, both principal and interest.

A BANKER

’Tis just that much; I ask for nothing more.

TRANIO

Upon my faith, I really could have wished that you had asked more, if only by a single coin.

THEUROPIDES

(to the BANKER.)

Young man, transact the business with me.

A BANKER

I’m to ask it of you, you mean?

THEUROPIDES

Come for it to-morrow.

A BANKER

I’ll be off, then; I’m quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow.

(Exit.)

TRANIO

(aside.)

A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him! so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is there more disgusting, or less acquainted with fair dealing than the banking race.

655

THEUROPIDES

In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?

TRANIO

(aside.)

Just see that, now! I’m undone!

660

THEUROPIDES

Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?

TRANIO

I’ll tell you; but I’m thinking what was the name of the owner.

(Pretends to think.)

THEUROPIDES

Well, call it to mind, then.

TRANIO

(aside.)

What am I to do now, except put the lie upon this neighbour of ours next door? I’ll say that his son has bought that house.

I’ faith, I’ve heard say that a lie piping-hot is the best lie; this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly. Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.

665

THEUROPIDES

Well now? Have you recollected it by this?

TRANIO

(aside.)

May the Gods confound that fellow!—no this other fellow, rather.

(To THEUROPIDES.) Your son has bought the house of this next-door neighbour of yours.

669670

THEUROPIDES

In real truth?

TRANIO

If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in real truth; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought it.

THEUROPIDES

He hasn’t bought it in a very good situation.

TRANIO

Why yes, in a very good one.

THEUROPIDES

I’ faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.

TRANIO

(aside.)

Why just look now, again I don’t know what I’m to say. Once more, now, are the surges bearing me upon the self-same rock. What now? I’ faith, I can’t discover what I am now to do; I’m caught in the fact.

THEUROPIDES

Just call some one out of doors;

ask him to show us round.

680

TRANIO

(going to the door of SIMO’s house.)

Hallo there, you! (Turning round) But there are ladies here; we must first see whether they are willing or unwilling.

THEUROPIDES

You say what’s good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I’ll wait here outside until you come out.

TRANIO

(aside.)

May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old gentleman!

in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is coming out of doors. I’ll step aside here, until I have convened the senate of council in my mind. Then, when I’ve discovered what I am to do, I’ll join him. (THEUROPIDES and TRANIO stand at a distance from SIMO’s house, in opposite directions, THEUROPIDES being out of sight.)

685