T. Maccius Plautus Mostellaria 2.2

THEUROPIDES

(to himself.)

Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee, though scarce alive. But if, from this time forward, thou shalt only know that I have stirred a foot upon the main, there is no reason why, that instant,

thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth for ever after to-day; what I was to entrust to thee, all of it have I now entrusted. (overhearing him.)

435

TRANIO

(apart.)

By my troth, Neptune, you’ve been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.

THEUROPIDES

After three years, I’ve arrived home from Aegypt. I shall come a welcome guest to my household, I suppose.

440

TRANIO

(apart.)

Upon my faith, he might have come a much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you were dead.

THEUROPIDES

(looking at the door.)

But what means this? Is the door shut in the daytime?

I’ll knock. (Knocks at the door.) Hallo, there! is any one going to open this door for me?

445

TRANIO

(coming forward, and speakcing aloud.)

What person is it that has come so near to our house?

THEUROPIDES

Surely this is my servant Tranio.

TRANIO

O Theuropides, my master, welcome; I’m glad that you’ve arrived in safety. Haveyou been well all along?

THEUROPIDES

All along, as you see.

TRANIO

That’s very good.

THEUROPIDES

What about yourselves? Are you all mad?

450

TRANIO

Why so?

THEUROPIDES

For this reason; because you are walking about outside; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I’ve almost broken in the pannels?

TRANIO

How now? Have you been touching this house?

454455

THEUROPIDES

Why shouldn’t I touch it? Why, with kicking it, I tell you, I’ve almost broken down the door.

TRANIO

What, you touched it?

THEUROPIDES

I touched it, I tell you, and knocked at it.

TRANIO

Out upon you!

THEUROPIDES

Why so?

TRANIO

By heavens! ’twas ill done.

THEUROPIDES

What is the matter?

TRANIO

It cannot be expressed, how shocking and dreadful a mischief you’ve been guilty of.

THEUROPIDES

How so?

460

TRANIO

Take to flight, I beseech you, and get away from the house. Fly in this direction, fly closer to me. (He runs to wards TRANIO.) What, did you touch the door?

THEUROPIDES

How could I knock, if I didn’t touch it?

TRANIO

By all that’s holy, you’ve been the death—

THEUROPIDES

Of what person?

TRANIO

Of all your family.

THEUROPIDES

May the Gods and Goddesses confound you with that omen.

TRANIO

I’m afraid that you can’t make satisfaction for yourself and them.

465

THEUROPIDES

For what reason, or what new affair is this that you thus suddenly bring me news of?

TRANIO

And (whispering) hark you, prithee, do bid those people to move away from here.

(Pointing to the ATTENDANTS of THEUROPIDES.)

THEUROPIDES

(to the ATTENDANTS.)

Move away from here.

TRANIO

Don’t you touch the house. Touch you the ground ¹ as well. (Exeunt the ATTENDANTS.)

THEUROPIDES

I’ faith, prithee, do speak out now.

TRANIO

Because it is now seven months that not a person has set foot within this house, and since we once for all left it.

470

THEUROPIDES

Tell me, why so?

TRANIO

Just look around, whether there’s any person to overhear our discourse.

THEUROPIDES

(looking around.)

All’s quite safe.

TRANIO

Look around once more.

THEUROPIDES

(looking around.)

There’s nobody; now then, speak out.

TRANIO

(in a loud whisper.)

The house has been guilty of a capital offence ² .

475

THEUROPIDES

I don’t understand you.

TRANIO

A crime, I tell you, has been committed there, a long while ago, one of olden time and ancient date.

THEUROPIDES

Of ancient date?

TRANIO

’Tis but recently, in fact, that we’ve discovered this deed.

THEUROPIDES

What is this crime, or who committed it? Tell me.

TRANIO

A host slew his guest, seized with his hand;

he, I fancy, who sold you the house.

480

THEUROPIDES

Slew him?

TRANIO

And robbed this guest of his gold, and buried this guest there in the house, on the spot.

THEUROPIDES

For what reason do you suspect that this took place?

TRANIO

I’ll tell you; listen. One day, when your son had dined away from home, after he returned home from dining;

we all went to bed, and fell asleep. By accident, I had forgotten to put out my lamp; and he, all of a sudden, called out aloud—

THEUROPIDES

What person? My son?

TRANIO

Hist! hold your peace: just listen.

He said that a dead man came to him in his sleep—

490

THEUROPIDES

In his dreams, then, you mean?

TRANIO

Just so. But only listen. He said that he had met with his death by these means—

THEUROPIDES

What, in his sleep?

TRANIO

It would have been surprising if he had told him awake, who had been murdered sixty years ago.

On some occasions you are absurdly simple.

495

But look, what he said: I am the guest of Diapontius, from beyond the seas; here do I dwell; this has been assigned me as my abode; for Orcus would not receive me in Acheron,

because prematurely I lost my life. Through confiding was I deceived: my entertainer slew me here, and that villain secretly laid me in the ground without funereal rites, in this house, on the spot, for the sake of gold. Now do you depart from here; this house is accursed, this dwelling is defiled.

500

The wonders that here take place, hardly in a year could I recount them.

505

Hush, hush!

(He starts.)

THEUROPIDES

Troth now, what has happened, prithee?

TRANIO

The door made a noise.

Was it he that was knocking?

THEUROPIDES

(turning pale.)

I have not one drop of blood! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron, while alive!

TRANIO

(aside.)

I’m undone! those people there will mar my plot. (A noise is heard from within.) How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.

510

THEUROPIDES

What are you talking about to yourself? (Goes near the door.)

TRANIO

Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I do beseech you.

THEUROPIDES

Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.

TRANIO

I am not afraid: I am at peace with the dead.

A VOICE

(from within.)

Hallo! Tranio ³ .

515

TRANIO

(in a low voice, near the door.)

You won’t be calling me, if you are wise. (Aloud, as if speaking to the APPARITION.) ’Tis not I that’s guilty; I did not knock at the door.

THEUROPIDES

Pray, what is it that’s wrong? What matter is agitating you, Tranio? To whom are you saying these things?

TRANIO

Prithee, was it you that called me?

So may the Gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating because you had knocked at the door. But are you still standing there, and not doing what I advise you?

520

THEUROPIDES

What am I to do?

TRANIO

Take care not to look back. Fly; cover up your head!

THEUROPIDES

Why don’t you fly?

TRANIO

I am at peace with the dead.

THEUROPIDES

I recollect. Why then were you so dreadfully alarmed just now?

525

TRANIO

Have no care for me, I tell you; I’ll see to myself. You, as you have begun to do, fly as quick as ever you can; Hercules, too ⁴ , you will invoke.

THEUROPIDES

Hercules, I do invoke thee! (Runs off.)

TRANIO

(to himself.)

And I, as well, old fellow, that; this day he’ll send some heavy mishap upon you.

O ye immortal Gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it! what a mess I have got into to-day.

530

(Exit.)