T. Maccius Plautus Miles Gloriosus 3.2

PERIPLECOMENUS

Behold us here obedient to your call.

PALAESTRIO

The sway is easy over the good. But I wish to know, if we are to carry out the matter on the same plan that we formed within?

PERIPLECOMENUS

Why, in fact there’s nothing can be more conducive to our purpose.

Well, what say you, Pleusicles?

PLEUSICLES

Can that displease me which pleases yourselves? What person is there more my friend than your own self?

PERIPLECOMENUS

You speak kindly and obligingly.

PALAESTRIO

Faith, and so he ought to do.

PLEUSICLES

But this affair shockingly distresses me, and torments my very heart and body.

PERIPLECOMENUS

What is it that torments you? Tell me.

PLEUSICLES

That I should cause childish actions in a person of your years, and that I should require of you deeds that neither become yourself nor your virtues;

and that, with all your might, for my sake you are striving to aid me in my passion, and are doing actions of such a kind, as, when done, these years of yours are wont rather to avoid than follow. I am ashamed that I cause you this trouble in your old age.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

You are a person in love after a new fashion. If, in fact, you are ashamed of anything you do,

you are nothing of a lover. You are rather the shadow of those who are in love, than a true lover, Pleusicles.

625

PLEUSICLES

Ought I to employ these years of yours in seconding my love?

PERIPLECOMENUS

How say you? Do I seem to you so very much a subject for Acheron ¹ ? So much a bier’s-man ² ? Do I seem to you to have had so very long a life? Why, really, I am not more than four-and-fifty years old;

I see clearly with my eyes, I’m ready with my hands, I’m active with my feet.

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PALAESTRIO

If he is seen by you to have white hair, he is by no means an old man in mind; in him the natural strength of his mind is unimpaired.

PLEUSICLES

By my troth, for my part, I have found it to be so as you say, Palaestrio; for, in fact, his kindness is quite that of a young man.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Yes, my guest, the more you make trial of it, the more you will know my courtesy towards you in your love.

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PLEUSICLES

What need to know what’s known already?

PERIPLECOMENUS

I’ll show you more amiability on my part than I’ll make mention of that you may have instances for proving it at home, and not have to seek it out of doors. For unless one has loved himself, with difficulty he sees into the feelings of one in love.

But I have some little love and moisture in my body still, and not yet am I dried up for the pursuits of merriment and pleasure. Either the merry banterer likewise, or the agreable boon-companion will I be; no interrupter of another am I at a feast. I bear in mind how properly to keep myself from proving disagreable to my fellow-guests;

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and how to take a due share with my conversation, and to be silent as well in my turn, when the discourse belongs to another. Far from being a spitter or hawker am I, far from being a dirty-nosed old fellow, too. And never do I take liberties with any person’s mistress when out in company; I don’t snatch up the dainty bits before another, nor take the cup before my turn; nor, through wine, do dissensions ever arise on my account at the convivial board. If there is any one there that is disagreable, I go off home; I cut the parley short. Stretched at my ease, I devote myself to pleasure, love, and mirth. In fine, at Ephesus was I born, not among the Apulians, not at Animula ³ .

645

PLEUSICLES

O what a most delightful old man, if he possesses the qualities he mentions!

Why, troth, surely now, he was brought up in the very rearing of Venus.

650

PALAESTRIO

Why, in fact, you will not find another person who is of his years, more accomplished in every respect, or who is more a friend to his friend.

PLEUSICLES

By my troth, your whole manners really do show marks of first-rate breeding. Find me three men of such manners against a like weight in double-distilled gold ⁴ .

PERIPLECOMENUS

I’ll make you confess that I really am a youngster in my manners; so abounding in kindnesses will I prove myself to you in every respect. Should you have need of an advocate, severe or fierce? I am he. Have you need of one that is gentle? You shall say that I am more gentle than the sea is when hush’d,

and something more balmy will I prove than is the Zephyr breeze ⁵ . In this same person will I display to you either the most jovial boon-companion, or the first-rate trencher-man ⁶ , and the best of caterers. Then, as for dancing, there is no ballet-master that is so supple as I.

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PALAESTRIO

(to PLEUSICLES.)

What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?

PLEUSICLES

That thanks could be returned by me to him in degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain;

as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth,

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I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.

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PLEUSICLES

Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [ liberos].

PERIPLECOMENUS

Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free ⁷ [ liberum] yourself.

For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes ⁸ , that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather; such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife,

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but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends ⁹ , give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus ¹⁰ to the sorceress ¹¹ , to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner;

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besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has ¹² the mattress-maker ¹³ been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves ¹⁴ ? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow ¹⁵ she does look at me. These and many other expenses of the women like to these

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frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.

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PALAESTRIO

In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.

PLEUSICLES

You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children—a memorial of his race and of himself.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night.

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Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing—they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails ¹⁶ ; they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself:

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They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.

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PALAESTRIO

Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children.

I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.

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PALAESTRIO

’Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.

PLEUSICLES

O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ’twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer ¹⁷ sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price;

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so were it right that the Gods should portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then,

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those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.

735

PERIPLECOMENUS

He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.

PLEUSICLES

I am content with ¹⁸ the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course ¹⁹ ; that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.

745

PLEUSICLES

If you are resolved,

do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me ²⁰ .

750

PERIPLECOMENUS

Won’t you now ²¹ have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar ²² . For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account?

Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons. What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.

755

PALAESTRIO

Troth, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.

PERIPLECOMENUS

But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it;

put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good ²³ when cold; remove it, take and put it aside. You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies ²⁴ on the table, they are indulging their appetite.

760

PALAESTRIO

How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I have not said a hundredth part of what I could have enlarged upon had there been leisure for the matter.

PALAESTRIO

The business, then, that we are about—to that we ought first to turn our thoughts. Do you both, now, give me your attention. I have need, Periplecomenus, of your assistance; for I have hit upon a pleasant trick, how this Captain with his long locks may be fleeced quite close ²⁵ , and how we may effect a means for Philocomasium, and this her lover,

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that he may carry her off hence, and have her as his own.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

I wish this plan to be imparted to me.

PALAESTRIO

And I, wish that ring of yours to be imparted to me.

PERIPLECOMENUS

For what purpose is it to be used?

PALAESTRIO

When I have got it, I will impart the plan of my devices.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Take and use it. (Gives him the ring.)

PALAESTRIO

Take from me in return the plan of my contrivance that I have hit upon.

PERIPLECOMENUS

We are listening to you with most attentive ear.

PALAESTRIO

My master is such a shocking rake among the women, that I think no one ever was his equal, nor ever will be.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

I believe the same as well.

PALAESTRIO

He boasts, too, that his beauty exceeds that of Alexander ²⁶ ; and, therefore, he says that all the women ²⁷ in Ephesus of their own accord are courting him.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Aye, faith, many there are who could wish ²⁸ that you were now telling an untruth about him.

But I am convinced full well that it is as you say. For that reason, Palaestrio, do compress your words in as short a compass as ever you possibly can.

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PALAESTRIO

Can you, then, find any woman of agreable person, whose mind and body are full of merriment and subtlety?

PERIPLECOMENUS

Free by birth, or bondwoman made free?

PALAESTRIO

I consider that a matter of indifference, so that

you find one who is greedy for gain, who supports her body by her charms, who has, too, her senses all awake; as for her heart, that cannot be so, as none of them have one.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

Do you want one that has ²⁹ taken her degrees, or one as yet a novice in the art?

PALAESTRIO

One sober but plump ³⁰ , a juicy bit; as taking a one as ever you can find, and one very young.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Why, I have one, a dependant of mine, a courtesan, a very young woman.

But what is the occasion for her?

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PALAESTRIO

For you to bring her home at once to your house as your wife, and, for that reason, to bring her there dressed out, so that she may wear her locks with her hair arranged, and fillets after the fashion of matrons ³¹ , and may pretend that she is your wife; so you must instruct her.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I am at a loss what road you are taking.

PALAESTRIO

Well, you shall know. But what sort of a maid has she?

PERIPLECOMENUS

She is a rare clever one.

PALAESTRIO

We have need of her as well; so give your instructions to the damsel and her maid, to pretend that she is your wife and is doting upon this Captain; and as though she had given this ring to her maid, then she to me, that I might deliver it to the Captain; and I must be as though it were a go-between in this matter.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

I hear you; don’t stun my ears as if I were deaf.

PALAESTRIO

I myself will go straightway to him; I’ll say that it has been brought and delivered to me from your wife, in order that I might introduce her to him. He’ll be distractedly longing for her at home, a scoundrel that cares for nothing else whatever but intriguing.

800

PERIPLECOMENUS

If you had commissioned the Sun himself to search them out, he couldn’t have found, better than myself, two more cleverly suited for this business. Be of good courage about it.

PALAESTRIO

Take you every care then. There is need of despatch.

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(Exit PERIPLECOMENUS.)