T. Maccius Plautus Curculio 1.3

PROCURESS

(to PLANESIUM, while opening the door.)

Come softly out, and prevent the noise of the doors and the creaking of the hinges, my dear Planesium, that our master mayn’t perceive that that is going on which we are doing here.

Stay, I’ll pour a little water ¹ on it.

160

(Pours water on the hinges.)

PALINURUS

(to PHAEDROMUS.)

Do you see how the palsied hag is giving her dose? She herself has learnt right well to drink up the wine; to the door she’s giving water for it to drink.

PLANESIUM

(looking around.)

Where are you—you who have summoned me on the recognizances of Venus ² ? To you do I present myself, and, in the same way do I call on you, on the other hand, to present yourself to me.

PHAEDROMUS

(stepping forward.)

Here I am; for could I be absent, I wouldn’t repine for any misfortune to befall me, my honey.

PLANESIUM

My life, it is not becoming for one thus in love to be at a distance.

165

PHAEDROMUS

Palinurus, Palinurus!

PALINURUS

Say on; why is it that you call upon Palinurus?

PHAEDROMUS

(aside.)

She is a charming one.

PALINURUS

(aside.)

Aye, too charming.

PHAEDROMUS

I am a God.

PALINURUS

Why, no—a mortal, of no great value.

PHAEDROMUS

What have you seen, or what will you see, more nearly to be compared with the Gods?

PALINURUS

You are not in your senses, master; a thing that’s grievous to me.

PHAEDROMUS

You are not sufficiently respectful to me: hold your tongue.

PALINURUS

The person that sees ³ the object which he loves, and enjoys not the opportunity while he may, is one who torments his own self.

170

PHAEDROMUS

Rightly does he rebuke me; really there’s nothing which for this long time past I have more eagerly desired.

PLANESIUM

Clasp me, embrace me then.

PHAEDROMUS

(embracing her.)

This, too, is a reason for which I could wish to live; because your master restrains, you, in secret do I court you.

PLANESIUM

Restrain me? He neither can restrain me, nor will he restrain me, unless death should separate my soul from you.

PHAEDROMUS

Let monarchs keep their kingdoms to themselves, the rich their riches to themselves, to themselves their honors, to themselves their prowess, to themselves their combats, to themselves their battles;

so long as they abstain from envying me, let each one of them keep what is his own.

180

PALINURUS

(aside.)

Of a truth, I cannot refrain from giving a lecture to my master; for, really, it is good to love in a moderate degree; to distraction, it is not good; but to love to entire distraction, is the thing that my master’s doing.

175

(Aloud.)

What say you, sir? Have you made a vow, Phaedromus, you’d watch the night through for Venus? For really, upon my faith, before very long hence the dawn will be breaking.

PHAEDROMUS

Do hold your tongue.

PALINURUS

Why hold my tongue? What, are you going to sleep?

PHAEDROMUS

I am asleep; don’t you make a noise.

PALINURUS

Why, but you’re broad awake.

PHAEDROMUS

Aye, but after my own fashion I’m asleep; this is my slumber.

PALINURUS

(to PLANESIUM.)

A word with you, madam; ’tis thoughtlessness to treat amiss one who deserves it not.

185

PLANESIUM

You would be angry, if, when you are eating, he were to drive you away ⁴ from your food.

PALINURUS

(aside.)

It’s all over with him. I see that these two are equally in love to distraction; and both of them are mad. D’ye see how intensely they hug each other? They cannot embrace enough. (Addressing them.) Are you going to part yet?

PLANESIUM

No human being has blessings that last ⁵ for ever. To this pleasure, then, is that plague added.

PALINURUS

What say you, you shocking hussy ⁶ ? What, you little tipsy ninny ⁷ , are even you with your owlish eyes ⁸ to be calling me a plague, you whipper-snapper?

PHAEDROMUS

What, you abusing my own Venus? And really, is a slave well trounced with the rod to be commencing a discussion with myself? But, by the powers, you’ve surely said that to your own misfortune.

(Strikes him.)

There, take that, by way of punishment for this abusive language, that you may be able to put a check upon your speech.

195

PALINURUS

(to PLANESIUM.)

Your aid, I pray, you night-watching Venus.

PHAEDROMUS

What, do you still persist, whip-scoundrel? (Strikes hint.)

PLANESIUM

Don’t, there’s a dear, be beating a stone, lest you should hurt your hand.

PALINURUS

You perpetrate, Phaedromus, a flagitious and a shameful deed of great enormity; one who directs you aright, you pummel with your fists; her you are in love with, a mere nonentity.

Is it right that you should behave yourself in this unreasonable manner?

200

PHAEDROMUS

Find me a reasonable lover against his weight in gold; here, take the gold of me.

(Holds out his purse.)

PALINURUS

Do you find me a person for me to serve in his sound senses against his weight in double-distilled gold.

PLANESIUM

Kindly fare you well, apple of my eye, for I hear the sound and creaking of doors; I think the keeper ⁹ is opening the temple. But, prithee, in this same manner

shall we always enjoy our love by stealth?

205

PHAEDROMUS

Far from it; for I sent my Parasite four days since to Caria to fetch some money; he’ll be here to-day.

PLANESIUM

You are very long in your contriving.

PHAEDROMUS

So may Venus love me, I’ll never allow you to be three days in this house here, before I procure your liberty.

PLANESIUM

Take care to remember it. Once more, before I go hence, take this kiss.

210

(Kisses him.)

PHAEDROMUS

By heavens, really if a kingdom now were offered me, I should not obtain it with greater pleasure. When shall I see you again?

PLANESIUM

Why now, for that expression get ready the Praetor’s rod ¹⁰ ; if you love me, purchase my freedom; don’t make any haggling. Take care to prevail with your offer. Kindly adieu! (Goes into the house of the PROCURER.)

PHAEDROMUS

And am I then left behind? Palinurus, I’m Lilled outright.

PALINURUS

And I as well, who am dying with thumps and sleepiness.

215

PHAEDROMUS

Do you follow me.

(They go into the house of PHAEDROMUS.)