MERCURY
Who’s that at the door?
AMPHITRYON
’Tis I.
MERCURY
Who’s
’tis I?
AMPHITRYON
’Tis I that say so.
MERCURY
For sure, Jupiter and all the Deities are angered with you who are banging at the door this way.
AMPHITRYON
In what manner?
MERCURY
In this manner, that without a doubt you must be spending a wretched life.
AMPHITRYON
Sosia.
MERCURY
Well; I’m Sosia, unless you think that I’ve forgotten myself.
What do you want now?
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AMPHITRYON
What, you rascal, and do you even ask me that, what it is I want?
MERCURY
I do so ask you; you blockhead, you’ve almost broken the hinges from off the door. Did you fancy that doors were supplied us at the public charge? Why are you looking up at me, you stupid? What do you want now for yourself, or what fellow are you?
AMPHITRYON
You whip-scoundrel, do you even ask me who I am, you hell of elm-saplings
1
?
I’ faith, this day I’ll make you burn with smarts of the scourge for these speeches of yours.
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MERCURY
You surely must have formerly been a spendthrift in your young days.
AMPHITRYON
How so?
MERCURY
Because in your old age you come begging a hap-ill
2
of me for yourself.
AMPHITRYON
Slave! for your own torture do you give vent to these expressions this day.
MERCURY
Now I’m performing a sacrifice to you.
AMPHITRYON
How?
MERCURY
Why, because I devote you to ill-luck
3
with this libation.
(Throws water on him.)
AMPHITRYON
MERCURY
You shadowy ghost—you, frighten me with your threats? If you don’t betake yourself off from here this instant, if you knock once more, if the door makes a noise with your little finger even, I’ll break your head with this tile, so that with your teeth you may sputter out your tongue.
AMPHITRYON
What, rascal, would you be for driving me away from my own house? What, would you hinder me from knocking at my own door? I’ll this instant tear it from off all its hinges.
MERCURY
Do you persist?
AMPHITRYON
I do persist.
MERCURY
Take that, then.
(Throws a tile at him.)
AMPHITRYON
Scoundrel! at your master? If I lay hands upon you this day, I’ll bring you to that pitch of misery, that you shall be miserable for evermore.
MERCURY
Surely, you must have been playing the Bacchanal
6
, old gentleman.
AMPHITRYON
Why so?
MERCURY
Inasmuch as you take me to be your slave.
AMPHITRYON
What? I—take you?
MERCURY
Plague upon you! I know no master but Amphitryon.
AMPHITRYON
(to himself.)
Have I lost my form? It’s strange that Sosia shouldn’t know me. I’ll make trial.
(Calling out.) How now! Tell me who I appear to be? Am I not really Amphitryon?
MERCURY
Amphitryon? Are you in your senses? Has it not been told you before, old fellow, that you have been playing the Bacchanal, to be asking another person who you are? Get away, I recommend you, don’t be troublesome while Amphitryon, who has just come back from the enemy, is indulging himself with the company of his wife.
AMPHITRYON
What wife?
MERCURY
Alcmena.
AMPHITRYON
What man?
MERCURY
How often do you want it told? Amphitryon, my master;—don’t be troublesome.
AMPHITRYON
Who’s he sleeping with?
MERCURY
Take care that you don’t meet with some mishap in trifling with me this way.
AMPHITRYON
Prithee, do tell me, my dear Sosia.
MERCURY
More civilly said—with Alcmena.
AMPHITRYON
In the same chamber?
MERCURY
Yes, as I fancy, he is sleeping with her side by side.
AMPHITRYON
Alas!—wretch that I am!
MERCURY
(to the AUDIENCE.)
It really is a gain which he imagines to be a misfortune. For to lend one’s wife to another is just as though you were to let out barren land to be ploughed.
AMPHITRYON
Sosia!
MERCURY
What, the plague, about Sosia?
AMPHITRYON
Don’t you know me, you whip-scoundrel?
MERCURY
I know that you are a troublesome fellow, who have no need to go buy
7
a lawsuit.
AMPHITRYON
Still once more—am I not your master Amphitryon?
MERCURY
You are Bacchus himself
8
, and not Amphitryon. How often do you want to be told? Any times more? My master Amphitryon, in the same chamber, is holding Alcmena in his embraces. If you persist, I’ll produce him here, and not without your great discomfiture.
AMPHITRYON
I wish him to be fetched.
(Aside.) I pray that this day, in return for my services, I may not lose house, wife, and household, together with my figure.
MERCURY
Well, I’ll fetch him; but, in the meantime, do you mind about the door, please.
(Aside.) I suppose that by this he has brought the sacrifice that he was intending, as far as the banquet
9
.
(Aloud.) If you are troublesome, you shan’t escape without my making a sacrifice of you.
(He retires into the house.)
AMPHITRYON
Ye Gods, by my trust in you, what madness is distracting my household? What wondrous things have I seen since I arrived from abroad! Why, it’s true, surely, what was once heard tell of, how that men of Attica were transformed in Arcadia
10
, and remained as savage wild beasts, and were not ever afterwards known unto their parents.
Amphitruo. Plautus. Henry Thomas Riley (Translator). London. 1913.
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