T. Maccius Plautus Amphitruo 4.2

MERCURY

Who’s that at the door?

AMPHITRYON

’Tis I.

MERCURY

Who’s ’tis I?

AMPHITRYON

’Tis I that say so.

MERCURY

For sure, Jupiter and all the Deities are angered with you who are banging at the door this way.

AMPHITRYON

In what manner?

MERCURY

In this manner, that without a doubt you must be spending a wretched life.

AMPHITRYON

Sosia.

MERCURY

Well; I’m Sosia, unless you think that I’ve forgotten myself.

What do you want now?

1025

AMPHITRYON

What, you rascal, and do you even ask me that, what it is I want?

MERCURY

I do so ask you; you blockhead, you’ve almost broken the hinges from off the door. Did you fancy that doors were supplied us at the public charge? Why are you looking up at me, you stupid? What do you want now for yourself, or what fellow are you?

AMPHITRYON

You whip-scoundrel, do you even ask me who I am, you hell of elm-saplings ¹ ?

I’ faith, this day I’ll make you burn with smarts of the scourge for these speeches of yours.

1030

MERCURY

You surely must have formerly been a spendthrift in your young days.

AMPHITRYON

How so?

MERCURY

Because in your old age you come begging a hap-ill ² of me for yourself.

AMPHITRYON

Slave! for your own torture do you give vent to these expressions this day.

MERCURY

Now I’m performing a sacrifice to you.

AMPHITRYON

How?

MERCURY

Why, because I devote you to ill-luck ³ with this libation.

(Throws water on him.)

AMPHITRYON

What, you, devote me ⁴ , you villain? If the Gods have not this day taken away my usual form, I’ll take care that you shall be laden with bull’s hide thongs, you victim of Saturn ⁵ . So surely will I devote you to the cross and to torture. Come out of doors, you whip-knave.

MERCURY

You shadowy ghost—you, frighten me with your threats? If you don’t betake yourself off from here this instant, if you knock once more, if the door makes a noise with your little finger even, I’ll break your head with this tile, so that with your teeth you may sputter out your tongue.

AMPHITRYON

What, rascal, would you be for driving me away from my own house? What, would you hinder me from knocking at my own door? I’ll this instant tear it from off all its hinges.

MERCURY

Do you persist?

AMPHITRYON

I do persist.

MERCURY

Take that, then.

(Throws a tile at him.)

AMPHITRYON

Scoundrel! at your master? If I lay hands upon you this day, I’ll bring you to that pitch of misery, that you shall be miserable for evermore.

MERCURY

Surely, you must have been playing the Bacchanal ⁶ , old gentleman.

AMPHITRYON

Why so?

MERCURY

Inasmuch as you take me to be your slave.

AMPHITRYON

What? I—take you?

MERCURY

Plague upon you! I know no master but Amphitryon.

AMPHITRYON

(to himself.)

Have I lost my form? It’s strange that Sosia shouldn’t know me. I’ll make trial. (Calling out.) How now! Tell me who I appear to be? Am I not really Amphitryon?

MERCURY

Amphitryon? Are you in your senses? Has it not been told you before, old fellow, that you have been playing the Bacchanal, to be asking another person who you are? Get away, I recommend you, don’t be troublesome while Amphitryon, who has just come back from the enemy, is indulging himself with the company of his wife.

AMPHITRYON

What wife?

MERCURY

Alcmena.

AMPHITRYON

What man?

MERCURY

How often do you want it told? Amphitryon, my master;—don’t be troublesome.

AMPHITRYON

Who’s he sleeping with?

MERCURY

Take care that you don’t meet with some mishap in trifling with me this way.

AMPHITRYON

Prithee, do tell me, my dear Sosia.

MERCURY

More civilly said—with Alcmena.

AMPHITRYON

In the same chamber?

MERCURY

Yes, as I fancy, he is sleeping with her side by side.

AMPHITRYON

Alas!—wretch that I am!

MERCURY

(to the AUDIENCE.)

It really is a gain which he imagines to be a misfortune. For to lend one’s wife to another is just as though you were to let out barren land to be ploughed.

AMPHITRYON

Sosia!

MERCURY

What, the plague, about Sosia?

AMPHITRYON

Don’t you know me, you whip-scoundrel?

MERCURY

I know that you are a troublesome fellow, who have no need to go buy ⁷ a lawsuit.

AMPHITRYON

Still once more—am I not your master Amphitryon?

MERCURY

You are Bacchus himself ⁸ , and not Amphitryon. How often do you want to be told? Any times more? My master Amphitryon, in the same chamber, is holding Alcmena in his embraces. If you persist, I’ll produce him here, and not without your great discomfiture.

AMPHITRYON

I wish him to be fetched. (Aside.) I pray that this day, in return for my services, I may not lose house, wife, and household, together with my figure.

MERCURY

Well, I’ll fetch him; but, in the meantime, do you mind about the door, please. (Aside.) I suppose that by this he has brought the sacrifice that he was intending, as far as the banquet ⁹ . (Aloud.) If you are troublesome, you shan’t escape without my making a sacrifice of you.

(He retires into the house.)

AMPHITRYON

Ye Gods, by my trust in you, what madness is distracting my household? What wondrous things have I seen since I arrived from abroad! Why, it’s true, surely, what was once heard tell of, how that men of Attica were transformed in Arcadia ¹⁰ , and remained as savage wild beasts, and were not ever afterwards known unto their parents.

BLEPHARO

What’s this, Sosia? Great marvels are these that you are telling of. Do you say that you found another Sosia at home exactly like yourself?

SOSIA

I do say so—but, hark you, since I have produced a Sosia, Amphitryon an Amphitryon, how do you know whether you, perchance, may not be producing another Blepharo? O that the Gods would grant that you as well, belaboured with fists, and with your teeth knocked out, going without your breakfast, might credit this. ForI, that other Sosia, that is to say, who am yonder, has mauled me in a dreadful manner.

BLEPHARO

Really, it is wonderful; but it’s as well to mend our pace; for, as I perceive, Amphitryon is waiting for us, and my empty stomach is grumbling.

AMPHITRYON

(apart.)

—And why do I mention foreign legends? More wondrous things they relate to have happened among our Theban race ¹¹ in former days; that mighty searcher for Europa, attacking the monster sprung from Mars, suddenly produced his enemies from the serpent-seed; and in that battle fought, brother pressed on brother with lance and helm; the Epirote land, too, beheld the author of our race, together with the daughter of Venus ¹² , gliding as serpents. From on high supreme Jove thus willed it; thus destiny directs. All the noblest of our country, in return for their bright achievements, are pursued with direful woes. This fatality is pressing hard on me—still I could endure disasters so great, and submit to woes hardly to be endured—

SOSIA

Blepharo.

BLEPHARO

What’s the matter?

SOSIA

I don’t know; I suspect something wrong.

BLEPHARO

Why?

SOSIA

Look, please, our master, like an humble courtier ¹³ , is walking before the door bolted fast.

BLEPHARO

It’s nothing; walking to and fro, he’s looking for an appetite ¹⁴ .

SOSIA

After a singular fashion, indeed; for he has shut the door, that it mayn’t escape out of the house.

BLEPHARO

You do go yelping on.

SOSIA

I go neither yelping on nor barking on; if you listen to me, observe him. I don’t know why he’s by himself alone; he’s making some calculation, I suppose. I can hear from this spot what he says— don’t be in a hurry.

AMPHITRYON

(apart.)

How much I fear lest the Gods should blot out the glory I have acquired in the conquest of the foe. In wondrous manner do I see the whole of my household in commotion. And then my wife, so full of viciousness, incontinence, and dishonor, kills me outright. But about the goblet, it is a singular thing; yet the seal was properly affixed. And what besides? She recounted to me the battles I had fought; Pterelas, too, besieged and bravely slain by my own hand, Aye, aye—now I know the trick; this was done by Sosia’s contrivance, who as well has disgracefully presumed to-day to get before me on my arrival.

SOSIA

(to BLEPHARO.)

He’s talking about me, and in terms that I had rather not. Prithee, don’t let’s accost this man until he has disclosed his wrath.

BLEPHARO

Just as you please.

AMPHITRYON

(apart.)

If it is granted me this day to lay hold of that whip-scoundrel, I’ll show him what it is to deceive his master, and to assail me with threats and tricks.

SOSIA

Do you hear him?

BLEPHARO

I hear him.

SOSIA

That implement (pointing to AMPHITRYON’S walkingstick) is a burden for my shoulder-blades. Let’s accost the man, if you please. Do you know what is in the habit of being commonly said?

BLEPHARO

What you are going to say, I don’t know; what you’ll have to endure I pretty well guess.

SOSIA

It’s an old adage— Hunger and delay summon anger to the nostrils ¹⁵ .

BLEPHARO

Aye, and well suited to the occasion. Let’s address him directly—Amphitryon!

AMPHITRYON

(looking round.)

Is it Blepharo I hear? It’s strange why he’s come to me. Still, he presents himself opportunely, for me to prove the guilty conduct of my wife. Why have you come here to me, Blepharo?

BLEPHARO

Have you so soon forgotten how early in the morning you sent Sosia to the ship, that I might take a repast with you to-day?

AMPHITRYON

Never in this world was it done. But where is that scoundrel?

BLEPHARO

Who?

AMPHITRYON

Sosia.

BLEPHARO

See, there he is.

(Points at him.)

AMPHITRYON

(looking about.)

Where? BLEPH. Before your eyes; don’t you see him?

AMPHITRYON

I can hardly see for anger, so distracted has that fellow made me this day. You shall never escape my making a sacrifice of you. (Offers to strike SOSIA, on which BLEPHARO prevents him.) Do let me, Blepharo.

BLEPHARO

Listen, I pray.

AMPHITRYON

Say on, I’m listening— (gives a blow to SOSIA) you take that.

SOSIA

For what reason? Am I not in good time? I couldn’t have gone quicker, if I had betaken myself on the oar-like wings ¹⁶ of Daedalus.

(AMPHITRYON tries to strike him again.)

BLEPHARO

Prithee, do leave him alone; we couldn’t quicken our pace any further.

AMPHITRYON

Whether it was the pace of a man on stilts or that of the tortoise, I’m determined to be the death of this villain. (Striking him at each sentence.) Take that for the roof; that for the tiles; that for closing the door; that for making fun of your master; that for your abusive language.

BLEPHARO

What injury has he been doing to you?

AMPHITRYON

Do you ask? Shut out of doors, from that housetop (pointing to it) he has driven me away from my house.

SOSIA

What, I?

AMPHITRYON

What did you threaten that you would do if I knocked at that door? Do you deny it, you scoundrel?

SOSIA

Why shouldn’t I deny it? See, he’s sufficiently a witness with whom I have just now come; I was sent on purpose that by your invitation I might bring him to your house.

AMPHITRYON

Who sent you, villain?

SOSIA

He who asks me the question.

AMPHITRYON

When, of all things?

SOSIA

Some little time since-not long since—just now. When you were reconciled at home to your wife.

AMPHITRYON

Bacchus must have demented you.

SOSIA

May I not be paying my respects to Bacchus this day, nor yet to Ceres ¹⁷ . You ordered the vessels to be made clean, that you might perform a sacrifice, and you sent me to fetch him (pointing to BLEPHARO), that he might breakfast with you.

AMPHITRYON

Blepharo, may I perish outright if I have either been in the house, or if I have sent him. (To SOSIA.) Tell me—where did you leave me?

SOSIA

At home, with your wife Alcmena. Leaving you, I flew towards the harbour, and invited him in your name. We are come, and I’ve not seen you since till now.

AMPHITRYON

Villanous fellow! With my wife, say you? You shall never go away without getting a beating.

(Gives him a blow.)

SOSIA

(crying out.)

Blepharo!

BLEPHARO

Amphitryon, do let him alone, for my sake, and listen to me.

AMPHITRYON

Well then, I’ll let him alone. What do you want? Say on.

BLEPHARO

He has just now been telling me most extraordi nary marvels. A juggler, or a sorcerer, perhaps, has enchanted all this household of yours. Do enquire in other quarters, and examine how it is. And don’t cause this poor fellow to be tortured, before you understand the matter.

AMPHITRYON

You give good advice; let’s go in, I want you also to be my advocate against my wife.

(Knocks at the door.)

JUPITER

Who with such weighty blows has been shaking this door on all the hinges? Who has been making such a great disturbance for this long while before the house? If I find him out, I’ll sacrifice him to the shades of the Teleboans. There’s nothing, as the common saying is, that goes on well with me to-day. I left Blepharo and Sosia that I might find my kinsman Naucrates; him I have not found, and them I have lost. But I espy them; I’ll go meet them, to enquire if they have any news.

SOSIA

Blepharo, that’s our master that’s coming out of the house; but this man’s the sorcerer.

BLEPHARO

O Jupiter! What do I behold? This is not, but that is, Amphitryon; if this is, why really that cannot be he, unless, indeed, he is double.

JUPITER

See now, here’s Sosia with Blepharo; I’ll accost them the first. Well, Sosia, come to us at last? I’m quite hungry.

SOSIA

Didn’t I tell you, Blepharo, that this one was the sorcerer?

AMPHITRYON

Nay, Theban citizens, I say that this is he (pointing to JUPITER) who in my house has made my wife guilty of incontinence, through whom I find a store of unchastity laid up for me.

SOSIA

(to JUPITER)

Master, if now you are hungry, crammed full of fisticuffs, I betake me to you.

AMPHITRYON

Do you persist, whip-scoundrel?

SOSIA

Hie thee to Acheron, sorcerer.

AMPHITRYON

What, I a sorcerer? (Strikes him.) Take that.

JUPITER

What madness possesses you, stranger, for you to be beating my servant?

AMPHITRYON

Your servant?

JUPITER

Mine.

AMPHITRYON

You lie.

JUPITER

Sosia, go in-doors, and take care the breakfast is got ready while I’m sacrificing this fellow.

SOSIA

I’ll go. (Aside.) Amphitryon, I suppose, will receive the other Amphitryon as courteously as I, that other Sosia, did me, Sosia, a while ago. Meantime, while they are contending, I’ll turn aside into the victualling department ¹⁹ : I’ll clean out all the dishes, and all the vessels I’ll drain.

(Goes into the house.)

JUPITER

Do you say that I lie?

AMPHITRYON

You lie, I say, you corrupter of my family.

JUPITER

For that disgraceful speech, I’ll drag you along here, seizing you by the throat.

(Seizes him by the throat.)

AMPHITRYON

Ah wretched me!

JUPITER

But you should have had a care of this beforehand.

AMPHITRYON

Blepharo, aid me!

BLEPHARO

(aside.)

The two are so exactly alike that I don’t know which to side with. Still, so far as possible, I’ll put an end to their contention. (Aloud.) Amphitryon, don’t slay Amphitryon in fight; let go his throat, I pray.

JUPITER

Are you calling this fellow Amphitryon?

BLEPHARO

Why not? Formerly he was but one, but now he has become double. While you are wanting to be he, the other, too, doesn’t cease to be of his form. Meanwhile, prithee, do leave go of his neck.

JUPITER

I will leave go. (Lets go of AMPHITRYON.) But tell me, does that fellow appear to you to be Amphitryon?

BLEPHARO

Really, both of you do.

AMPHITRYON

O supreme Jupiter! when this day didst thou take from me my form? I’ll proceed to make enquiry of him; are you Amphitryon?

JUPITER

Do you deny it?

AMPHITRYON

Downright do I deny it, inasmuch as in Thebes there is no other Amphitryon besides myself.

JUPITER

On the contrary, no other besides myself; and, in fact, do you, Blepharo, be the judge.

BLEPHARO

I’ll make this matter clear by proofs, if I can. (To AMPHITRYON.) Do you answer first.

AMPHITRYON

With pleasure.

BLEPHARO

Before the battle with the Taphians was begun by you, what orders did you give me?

AMPHITRYON

The ship being in readiness, for you carefully to keep close to the rudder.

JUPITER

That if our people should take to flight, I might betake myself in safety thither.

BLEPHARO

Anything else as well?

AMPHITRYON

That the bag loaded with treasure should be carefully guarded.

JUPITER

Because the money—

BLEPHARO

Hold your tongue, you, if you please; it’s my place to ask. Did you know the amount?

JUPITER

Fifty Attic talents.

BLEPHARO

He tells the truth to a nicety. And you (to AMPHITRYON), how many Philippeans?

AMPHITRYON

Two thousand.

JUPITER

And obols ²⁰ twice as many.

BLEPHARO

Each of you states the matter correctly. Inside the bag one of you must have been shut up.

JUPITER

Attend, please. With this right hand, as you know, I slew king Pterelas; his spoils I seized, and the goblet from which he had been used to drink I brought away in a casket; I made a present of it to my wife, with whom this day at home I bathed, I sacrificed, and slept.

AMPHITRYON

Ah me! what do I hear? I scarcely am myself. For, awake, I am asleep; awake, I am in a dream; alive and well, I come to destruction. I am that same Amphitryon, the descendant of ²¹ Gorgophone, the general of the Thebans, and the sole combatant for Creon against the Teleboans; I, who have subdued by my might the Acarnanians and the Taphians, and, by my consummate warlike prowess, their king. Over these have I appointed Cephalus, the son of the great Deioneus.

JUPITER

I am he who by warfare and my valour crushed the hostile ravagers. They had destroyed Electryon and the brothers of my wife. Wandering through the Ionian, the Aegean, and the Cretan seas, with piratical violence they laid waste Achaia, Aetolia, and Phocis.

AMPHITRYON

Immortal Gods! I cannot trust my own self, so exactly does he relate all the things that happened there. Consider, Blepharo.

BLEPHARO

One thing only remains; if so it is, do you be Amphitryons both of you.

JUPITER

I knew what you would say. The scar that I have on the muscle of my right arm, from the wound which Pterelas gave me—

BLEPHARO

Well, that.

AMPHITRYON

Quite to the purpose.

JUPITER

See you! look, behold!

BLEPHARO

Uncover, and I’ll look.

JUPITER

We have uncovered. Look!

(They show their naked arms.)

BLEPHARO

(looking at the right arm of each.)

Supreme Jupiter, what do I behold? On the right-arm muscle of each, in the same spot, the scar clearly appears with the same mark, reddish and somewhat livid, just as it has first commenced to close. Reasoning is at a standstill, all judgment is struck dumb; I don’t know what to do. ²²