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Hephaestus and Zeus

HEPHAESTUS

What do you want me to do, Zeus? Here I am, as you ordered, all ready with my axe at its sharpest, even if I must chop through stones with a single blow.

ZEUS

That’s grand, Hephaestus. Now, down with it on my head and cut it in two. ¹

HEPHAESTUS

Are you trying to see if I’m mad? Tell me what you really want me to do.

ZEUS

You heard. I want my skull split. If you don’t obey, I’ll be angry—and you know what that’s like already. ² Hit away with all your might. Come on, hurry up. The birth-pangs shooting through my brain are killing me.

HEPHAESTUS

Take care, Zeus, or I may hurt you. My axe is sharp. You’ll find her a midwife that draws blood and quite different from Ilithyia. ³

ZEUS

Hit away, Hephaestus. Don’t be afraid; I know what’s good for me.

HEPHAESTUS

All right, here goes. How can I help it, when it’s your orders? Hullo, what’s this? A girl in armour? ⁴ That was no small trouble you had in your head. No wonder you were short-tempered, breeding a big girl like that in your brain—and her with armour into the bargain. It wasn’t a head you had but a barracks, though we didn’t know it. She’s leaping up and down in a war-dance, shaking her shield and poising her spear, full of the spirit of battle; and, most wonderful of all, see how good-looking and grown-up she’s become in this short time; she’s got grey eyes, but they go very well with her helmet. So, Zeus, pay me for my services as midwife, by betrothing her to me this minute.

ZEUS

That’s impossible. She’ll want to remain single for ever, though for my part I’ve no objection to your request.

HEPHAESTUS

That’s all I wanted to hear. Leave the rest to me. I’ll be off with her right away.

ZEUS

Do so, if you can manage it, but I know that what you want is impossible.

Dialogi deorum. Lucian of Samosata. Matthew Donald Macleod (Translator). Medford, MA. Perseus 5.0.

Sponsored by Perseus Project, Tufts University.

Funding provided by The National Endowment for the Humanities.

Current edition Perseus

Dialogues of the Gods (English) (Lucian, Vol. 7. Macleod, Matthew Donald, translator. London: William Heinemann, Ltd.; Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1961 (unrenewed copyright).)

Editions (2)

Θεῶν Διάλογοι Perseus (Lucian. Luciani Samosatensis Opera, Vol. 1. Jacobitz, Karl, editor. Leipzig: Teubner, 1909.) — 13 focus

Διὸς καὶ Ἀσκληπιοῦ καὶ Ἡρακλέους

Ζεύς

παύσασθε, ὦ Ἀσκληπιὲ καὶ Ἡράκλεις, ἐρίζοντες πρὸς ἀλλήλους ὥσπερ ἄνθρωποι· ἀπρεπῆ γὰρ ταῦτα καὶ ἀλλότρια τοῦ συμποσίου τῶν θεῶν.

Ἡρακλῆς

ἀλλὰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, τουτονὶ τὸν φαρμακέα προκατακλίνεσθαί μου;

Ἀσκληπιός

νὴ Δία· καὶ ἀμείνων γάρ εἰμι.

Ἡρακλῆς

κατὰ τί, ὦ ἐμβρόντητε; ἢ διότι σε ὁ Ζεὺς 236 ἐκεραύνωσεν ἃ μὴ θέμις ποιοῦντα, νῦν δὲ κατʼ ἔλεον αὖθις ἀθανασίας μετείληφας;

Ἀσκληπιός

ἐπιλέλησαι γὰρ καὶ σύ, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἐν τῇ Οἴτῃ καταφλεγείς, ὅτι μοι ὀνειδίζεις τὸ πῦρ;

Ἡρακλῆς

οὔκουν ἴσα καὶ ὅμοια βεβίωται ἡμῖν, ὃς Διὸς μὲν υἱός εἰμι, τοσαῦτα δὲ πεπόνηκα ἐκκαθαίρων τὸν βίον, θηρία καταγωνιζόμενος καὶ ἀνθρώπους ὑβριστὰς τιμωρούμενος· σὺ δὲ ῥιζοτόμος εἶ καὶ ἀγύρτης, νοσοῦσι μὲν ἴσως ἀνθρώποις χρήσιμος ἐπιθήσειν τῶν φαρμάκων, ἀνδρῶδες δὲ οὐδὲν ἐπιδεδειγμενος.

Ἀσκληπιός

εὖ λέγεις, ὅτι σου τὰ ἐγκαύματα ἰασάμην, 237 ὅτε πρῴην ἀνῆλθες ἡμίφλεκτος ὑπʼ ἀμφοῖν διεφθαρμένος τὸ σῶμα, καὶ τοῦ χιτῶνος καὶ μετὰ τοῦτο τοῦ πυρός· ἐγὼ δὲ εἰ καὶ μηδὲν ἄλλο, οὔτε ἐδούλευσα ὥσπερ σὺ οὔτε ἔξαινον ἔρια ἐν Λυδίᾳ πορφυρίδα ἐνδεδυκὼς καὶ παιόμενος ὑπὸ τῆς Ὀμφάλης χρυσῷ σανδάλῳ, ἀλλὰ οὐδὲ μελαγχολήσας ἀπέκτεινα τὰ τέκνα καὶ τὴν γυναῖκα.

Ἡρακλῆς

εἰ μὴ παύσῃ λοιδορούμενός μοι, αὐτίκα μάλα εἴσῃ ὡς οὐ πολύ σε ὀνήσει ἡ ἀθανασία, ἐπεὶ ἀράμενός σε ῥίψω ἐπὶ κεφαλὴν ἐκ τοῦ οὐρανοῦ, ὥστε μηδὲ τὸν Παιῶνα 238 ἰάσασθαί σε τὸ κρανίον συντριβέντα.

Ζεύς

παύσασθε, φημί, καὶ μὴ ἐπιταράττετε ἡμῖν τὴν ξυνουσίαν, ἢ ἀμφοτέρους ἀποπέμψομαι ὑμᾶς τοῦ ξυμποσίου. καίτοι εὔγνωμον, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, προκατακλίνεσθαί σου τὸν Ἀσκληπιὸν ἅτε καὶ πρότερον ἀποθανόντα.

Θεῶν διάλογοι Perseus (Lucian, Vol. 7. Macleod, Matthew Donald, editor. London: William Heinemann, Ltd.; Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1961 (unrenewed copyright).) — 13 focus

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΥ ΚΑΙ ΔΙΟΣ

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Τί με, ὦ Ζεῦ, δεῖ ποιεῖν; ἥκω γάρ, ὡς ἐκέλευσας, 225 ἔχων τὸν πέλεκυν ὀξύτατον, εἰ καὶ λίθους δέοι μιᾷ πληγῇ διατεμεῖν. ¹

ΖΕΥΣ

Εὖ γε, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· ἀλλὰ δίελέ μου τὴν κεφαλὴν εἰς δύο κατενεγκών.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Πειρᾷ μου, εἰ μέμηνα; πρόσταττε δ’ οὖν τἀληθὲς ² ὅπερ θέλεις σοι γενέσθαι.

ΖΕΥΣ

Τοῦτο αὐτό, διαιρεθῆναί μοι τὸ κρανίον· εἰ δὲ ἀπειθήσεις, οὐ νῦν πρῶτον ὀργιζομένου πειράσῃ μου. ἀλλὰ χρὴ καθικνεῖσθαι παντὶ τῷ θυμῷ μηδὲ μέλλειν· ἀπόλλυμαι γὰρ ὑπὸ τῶν ὠδίνων, αἵ μοι τὸν ἐγκέφαλον ἀναστρέφουσιν.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Ὅρα, ὦ Ζεῦ, μὴ κακόν τι ποιήσωμεν· ὀξὺς γὰρ ὁ πέλεκύς ἐστι καὶ οὐκ ἀναιμωτὶ οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν Εἰλήθυιαν μαιώσεταί σε.

ΖΕΥΣ

Κατένεγκε μόνον, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, θαρρῶν· οἶδα γὰρ ἐγὼ τὸ σύμφερον.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Κατοίσω· ³ τί γὰρ χρὴ ποιεῖν σοῦ κελεύοντος; τί τοῦτο; κόρη ἔνοπλος; μέγα, ὦ Ζεῦ, κακὸν εἶχες ἐν τῇ κεφαλῇ· εἰκότως γοῦν ὀξύθυμος ἦσθα τηλικαύτην ὑπὸ τὴν μήνιγγα ⁴ παρθένον ζωογονῶν καὶ ταῦτα ἔνοπλον· ἦ που στρατόπεδον, οὐ κεφαλὴν ἐλελήθεις ἔχων. ἡ δὲ πηδᾷ ⁵ καὶ πυρριχίζει 226 καὶ τὴν ἀσπίδα τινάσσει καὶ τὸ δόρυ πάλλει ⁶ καὶ ἐνθουσιᾷ καὶ τὸ μέγιστον, καλὴ πάνυ καὶ ἀκμαία γεγένηται δὴ ἐν βραχεῖ· γλαυκῶπις μέν, ἀλλὰ κοσμεῖ τοῦτο ἡ κόρυς. ὥστε, ὦ Ζεῦ, μαίωτρά μοι ἀπόδος ἐγγυήσας ἤδη αὐτήν.

ΖΕΥΣ

Ἀδύνατα αἰτεῖς, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· παρθένος γὰρ ἀεὶ ἐθελήσει μένειν. ἐγὼ δ’ οὖν ⁷ τό γε ἐπ' ἐμοὶ οὐδὲν ἀντιλέγω.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Τοῦτ' ἐβουλόμην· ἐμοὶ μελήσει τὰ λοιπά, καὶ ἤδη συναρπάσω αὐτήν.

ΖΕΥΣ

Εἴ σοι ῥᾴδιον, οὕτω ποίει· πλὴν οἶδα ὅτι ἀδυνάτων ἐρᾷς.

Translations (1)

Dialogues of the Gods Perseus (The Works of Lucian of Samosata, Vol. 1. Fowler, Henry Watson and Fowler, Francis George, translators. Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1905.) — 13 focus

XIII

Zeus

Asclepius

Heracles

Zeus

Now, Asclepius and Heracles, stop that quarrelling; you might as well be men; such behaviour is very improper and out of place at the table of the Gods.

Heracles

Is this druggist fellow to have a place above me, Zeus?

Asclepius

Of course I am; I am your better.

Heracles

Why, you numskull? because it was Zeus’s bolt that cracked your skull, for your unholy doings, and now you have been allowed your immortality again out of sheer pity?

Asclepius

You twit me with my fiery end; you seem to have forgotten that you too were burnt to death, on Oeta.

Heracles

Was there no difference between your life and mine, then? I am Zeus’s son, and it is well known how I toiled, cleansing the earth, conquering monsters, and chastising men of violence. Whereas you are a root-grubber and a quack; I dare say you have your use for doctoring sick men, but you never did a bold deed in your life.

Asclepius

That comes well from you, whose burns I healed, when you came up all singed not so long ago; between the tunic and the flames, your body was half consumed. Anyhow, it would be enough to mention that I was never a slave like you, never combed wool in Lydia, masquerading in a purple shawl and being slippered by an Omphale, never killed my wife and children in a fit of the spleen.

Heracles

If you don’t stop being rude, I shall soon show you that immortality is not much good. I will take you up and pitch you head over heels out of Heaven, and Apollo himself shall never mend your broken crown.

Zeus

Cease, I say, and let us hear ourselves speak, or I will send you both away from table. Heracles, Asclepius died before you, and has the right to a better place.

Henry Watson Fowler

Notes on the current edition

Dialogues of the Gods

1. Cf. Pindar, Olympians, 7, 35.

2. When Zeus in anger threw Hephaestus out of heaven and he landed in Lemnos ( Iliad, I, 589 ff.). Cf. On Sacrifices 6 and Charon 1.

3. The goddess who helps in childbirth, See note on pp. 326-327.

4. Athena. See previous dialogue.

Search the Perseus Catalog for:

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Hephaestus and Zeus

HEPHAESTUS What do you want me to do, Zeus? Here I am, as you ordered, all ready with my axe at its sharpest, even if I must chop through stones with a single blow.

ZEUS That’s grand, Hephaestus. Now, down with it on my head and cut it in two. 1

HEPHAESTUS Are you trying to see if I’m mad? Tell me what you really want me to do.

ZEUS You heard. I want my skull split. If you don’t obey, I’ll be angry—and you know what that’s like already. 2 Hit away with all your might. Come on, hurry up. The birth-pangs shooting through my brain are killing me.

HEPHAESTUS Take care, Zeus, or I may hurt you. My axe is sharp. You’ll find her a midwife that draws blood and quite different from Ilithyia. 3

ZEUS Hit away, Hephaestus. Don’t be afraid; I know what’s good for me.

ZEUS That’s impossible. She’ll want to remain single for ever, though for my part I’ve no objection to your request.

HEPHAESTUS That’s all I wanted to hear. Leave the rest to me. I’ll be off with her right away.

ZEUS Do so, if you can manage it, but I know that what you want is impossible.

Current edition Perseus

Διὸς καὶ Ἀσκληπιοῦ καὶ Ἡρακλέους

Ζεύς παύσασθε, ὦ Ἀσκληπιὲ καὶ Ἡράκλεις, ἐρίζοντες πρὸς ἀλλήλους ὥσπερ ἄνθρωποι· ἀπρεπῆ γὰρ ταῦτα καὶ ἀλλότρια τοῦ συμποσίου τῶν θεῶν.

Ἡρακλῆς ἀλλὰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, τουτονὶ τὸν φαρμακέα προκατακλίνεσθαί μου;

Ἀσκληπιός νὴ Δία· καὶ ἀμείνων γάρ εἰμι.

Ἡρακλῆς κατὰ τί, ὦ ἐμβρόντητε; ἢ διότι σε ὁ Ζεὺς 236 ἐκεραύνωσεν ἃ μὴ θέμις ποιοῦντα, νῦν δὲ κατʼ ἔλεον αὖθις ἀθανασίας μετείληφας;

Ἀσκληπιός ἐπιλέλησαι γὰρ καὶ σύ, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἐν τῇ Οἴτῃ καταφλεγείς, ὅτι μοι ὀνειδίζεις τὸ πῦρ;

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΥ ΚΑΙ ΔΙΟΣ

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ Τί με, ὦ Ζεῦ, δεῖ ποιεῖν; ἥκω γάρ, ὡς ἐκέλευσας, 225 ἔχων τὸν πέλεκυν ὀξύτατον, εἰ καὶ λίθους δέοι μιᾷ πληγῇ διατεμεῖν. 1

ΖΕΥΣ Εὖ γε, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· ἀλλὰ δίελέ μου τὴν κεφαλὴν εἰς δύο κατενεγκών.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ Πειρᾷ μου, εἰ μέμηνα; πρόσταττε δ’ οὖν τἀληθὲς 2 ὅπερ θέλεις σοι γενέσθαι.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ Ὅρα, ὦ Ζεῦ, μὴ κακόν τι ποιήσωμεν· ὀξὺς γὰρ ὁ πέλεκύς ἐστι καὶ οὐκ ἀναιμωτὶ οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν Εἰλήθυιαν μαιώσεταί σε.

ΖΕΥΣ Κατένεγκε μόνον, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, θαρρῶν· οἶδα γὰρ ἐγὼ τὸ σύμφερον.

ΖΕΥΣ Ἀδύνατα αἰτεῖς, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· παρθένος γὰρ ἀεὶ ἐθελήσει μένειν. ἐγὼ δ’ οὖν 7 τό γε ἐπ' ἐμοὶ οὐδὲν ἀντιλέγω.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ Τοῦτ' ἐβουλόμην· ἐμοὶ μελήσει τὰ λοιπά, καὶ ἤδη συναρπάσω αὐτήν.

ΖΕΥΣ Εἴ σοι ῥᾴδιον, οὕτω ποίει· πλὴν οἶδα ὅτι ἀδυνάτων ἐρᾷς.

XIII

Zeus

Asclepius

Heracles

Zeus Now, Asclepius and Heracles, stop that quarrelling; you might as well be men; such behaviour is very improper and out of place at the table of the Gods.

Heracles Is this druggist fellow to have a place above me, Zeus?

Asclepius Of course I am; I am your better.

Heracles Why, you numskull? because it was Zeus’s bolt that cracked your skull, for your unholy doings, and now you have been allowed your immortality again out of sheer pity?

Asclepius You twit me with my fiery end; you seem to have forgotten that you too were burnt to death, on Oeta.

Heracles If you don’t stop being rude, I shall soon show you that immortality is not much good. I will take you up and pitch you head over heels out of Heaven, and Apollo himself shall never mend your broken crown.

Zeus Cease, I say, and let us hear ourselves speak, or I will send you both away from table. Heracles, Asclepius died before you, and has the right to a better place.

Notes on the current edition

Stable identifiers

HEPHAESTUS

What do you want me to do, Zeus? Here I am, as you ordered, all ready with my axe at its sharpest, even if I must chop through stones with a single blow.

ZEUS

That’s grand, Hephaestus. Now, down with it on my head and cut it in two. ¹

HEPHAESTUS

Are you trying to see if I’m mad? Tell me what you really want me to do.

ZEUS

You heard. I want my skull split. If you don’t obey, I’ll be angry—and you know what that’s like already. ² Hit away with all your might. Come on, hurry up. The birth-pangs shooting through my brain are killing me.

HEPHAESTUS

Take care, Zeus, or I may hurt you. My axe is sharp. You’ll find her a midwife that draws blood and quite different from Ilithyia. ³

ZEUS

Hit away, Hephaestus. Don’t be afraid; I know what’s good for me.

ZEUS

That’s impossible. She’ll want to remain single for ever, though for my part I’ve no objection to your request.

HEPHAESTUS

That’s all I wanted to hear. Leave the rest to me. I’ll be off with her right away.

ZEUS

Do so, if you can manage it, but I know that what you want is impossible.

Ζεύς

παύσασθε, ὦ Ἀσκληπιὲ καὶ Ἡράκλεις, ἐρίζοντες πρὸς ἀλλήλους ὥσπερ ἄνθρωποι· ἀπρεπῆ γὰρ ταῦτα καὶ ἀλλότρια τοῦ συμποσίου τῶν θεῶν.

Ἡρακλῆς

ἀλλὰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, τουτονὶ τὸν φαρμακέα προκατακλίνεσθαί μου;

Ἀσκληπιός

νὴ Δία· καὶ ἀμείνων γάρ εἰμι.

Ἡρακλῆς

κατὰ τί, ὦ ἐμβρόντητε; ἢ διότι σε ὁ Ζεὺς 236 ἐκεραύνωσεν ἃ μὴ θέμις ποιοῦντα, νῦν δὲ κατʼ ἔλεον αὖθις ἀθανασίας μετείληφας;

Ἀσκληπιός

ἐπιλέλησαι γὰρ καὶ σύ, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἐν τῇ Οἴτῃ καταφλεγείς, ὅτι μοι ὀνειδίζεις τὸ πῦρ;

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Τί με, ὦ Ζεῦ, δεῖ ποιεῖν; ἥκω γάρ, ὡς ἐκέλευσας, 225 ἔχων τὸν πέλεκυν ὀξύτατον, εἰ καὶ λίθους δέοι μιᾷ πληγῇ διατεμεῖν. ¹

ΖΕΥΣ

Εὖ γε, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· ἀλλὰ δίελέ μου τὴν κεφαλὴν εἰς δύο κατενεγκών.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Πειρᾷ μου, εἰ μέμηνα; πρόσταττε δ’ οὖν τἀληθὲς ² ὅπερ θέλεις σοι γενέσθαι.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Ὅρα, ὦ Ζεῦ, μὴ κακόν τι ποιήσωμεν· ὀξὺς γὰρ ὁ πέλεκύς ἐστι καὶ οὐκ ἀναιμωτὶ οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν Εἰλήθυιαν μαιώσεταί σε.

ΖΕΥΣ

Κατένεγκε μόνον, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, θαρρῶν· οἶδα γὰρ ἐγὼ τὸ σύμφερον.

ΖΕΥΣ

Ἀδύνατα αἰτεῖς, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· παρθένος γὰρ ἀεὶ ἐθελήσει μένειν. ἐγὼ δ’ οὖν ⁷ τό γε ἐπ' ἐμοὶ οὐδὲν ἀντιλέγω.

ΗΦΑΙΣΤΟΣ

Τοῦτ' ἐβουλόμην· ἐμοὶ μελήσει τὰ λοιπά, καὶ ἤδη συναρπάσω αὐτήν.

ΖΕΥΣ

Εἴ σοι ῥᾴδιον, οὕτω ποίει· πλὴν οἶδα ὅτι ἀδυνάτων ἐρᾷς.

Zeus

Now, Asclepius and Heracles, stop that quarrelling; you might as well be men; such behaviour is very improper and out of place at the table of the Gods.

Heracles

Is this druggist fellow to have a place above me, Zeus?

Asclepius

Of course I am; I am your better.

Heracles

Why, you numskull? because it was Zeus’s bolt that cracked your skull, for your unholy doings, and now you have been allowed your immortality again out of sheer pity?

Asclepius

You twit me with my fiery end; you seem to have forgotten that you too were burnt to death, on Oeta.

Heracles

If you don’t stop being rude, I shall soon show you that immortality is not much good. I will take you up and pitch you head over heels out of Heaven, and Apollo himself shall never mend your broken crown.

Zeus

Cease, I say, and let us hear ourselves speak, or I will send you both away from table. Heracles, Asclepius died before you, and has the right to a better place.