HEPHAESTUS

What do you want me to do, Zeus? Here I am, as you ordered, all ready with my axe at its sharpest, even if I must chop through stones with a single blow.

ZEUS

That’s grand, Hephaestus. Now, down with it on my head and cut it in two. ¹

HEPHAESTUS

Are you trying to see if I’m mad? Tell me what you really want me to do.

ZEUS

You heard. I want my skull split. If you don’t obey, I’ll be angry—and you know what that’s like already. ² Hit away with all your might. Come on, hurry up. The birth-pangs shooting through my brain are killing me.

HEPHAESTUS

Take care, Zeus, or I may hurt you. My axe is sharp. You’ll find her a midwife that draws blood and quite different from Ilithyia. ³

ZEUS

Hit away, Hephaestus. Don’t be afraid; I know what’s good for me.

HEPHAESTUS

All right, here goes. How can I help it, when it’s your orders? Hullo, what’s this? A girl in armour? ⁴ That was no small trouble you had in your head. No wonder you were short-tempered, breeding a big girl like that in your brain—and her with armour into the bargain. It wasn’t a head you had but a barracks, though we didn’t know it. She’s leaping up and down in a war-dance, shaking her shield and poising her spear, full of the spirit of battle; and, most wonderful of all, see how good-looking and grown-up she’s become in this short time; she’s got grey eyes, but they go very well with her helmet. So, Zeus, pay me for my services as midwife, by betrothing her to me this minute.

ZEUS

That’s impossible. She’ll want to remain single for ever, though for my part I’ve no objection to your request.

HEPHAESTUS

That’s all I wanted to hear. Leave the rest to me. I’ll be off with her right away.

ZEUS

Do so, if you can manage it, but I know that what you want is impossible.

Zeus

Now, Asclepius and Heracles, stop that quarrelling; you might as well be men; such behaviour is very improper and out of place at the table of the Gods.

Heracles

Is this druggist fellow to have a place above me, Zeus?

Asclepius

Of course I am; I am your better.

Heracles

Why, you numskull? because it was Zeus’s bolt that cracked your skull, for your unholy doings, and now you have been allowed your immortality again out of sheer pity?

Asclepius

You twit me with my fiery end; you seem to have forgotten that you too were burnt to death, on Oeta.

Heracles

Was there no difference between your life and mine, then? I am Zeus’s son, and it is well known how I toiled, cleansing the earth, conquering monsters, and chastising men of violence. Whereas you are a root-grubber and a quack; I dare say you have your use for doctoring sick men, but you never did a bold deed in your life.

Asclepius

That comes well from you, whose burns I healed, when you came up all singed not so long ago; between the tunic and the flames, your body was half consumed. Anyhow, it would be enough to mention that I was never a slave like you, never combed wool in Lydia, masquerading in a purple shawl and being slippered by an Omphale, never killed my wife and children in a fit of the spleen.

Heracles

If you don’t stop being rude, I shall soon show you that immortality is not much good. I will take you up and pitch you head over heels out of Heaven, and Apollo himself shall never mend your broken crown.

Zeus

Cease, I say, and let us hear ourselves speak, or I will send you both away from table. Heracles, Asclepius died before you, and has the right to a better place.