DIOGENES

My dear Pollux, I have some instructions for you as soon as you go up top. It’s your turn for resurrection to-morrow, I believe. If you see Menippus, the Dog ¹ , anywhere (you’ll find him in Corinth at the Craneum or in the Lyceum at Athens, laughing at the Philosophers wrangling with each other), tell him this from me. “Diogenes bids you, Menippus, if you’ve laughed enough at the things on the earth above, come down here, if you want much more to laugh at; for on earth your laughter was fraught with uncertainty, and people often wondered whether anyone at all was quite sure about what follows death, but here you’ll be able to laugh endlessly without any doubts, as I do now—and particularly when you see rich men, satraps and tyrants so humble and insignificant, with nothing to distinguish them but their groans, and see them to be weak and contemptible when they recall their life above.” That’s the message you’ve to give him and one further thing—that he’s to come here with his wallet filled with lots of lupines and any meals dedicated to Hecate he finds at cross-roads, or eggs from sacrifices of purification, or anything of the sort.

POLLUX

I’ll deliver your message, Diogenes. But if I could have precise information about his appearance—

DIOGENES

He’s old and bald, with a decrepit cloak full of windows and open to every wind, a motley of flapping rags; he’s always laughing and Generally mocking those hypocritical Philosophers.

POLLUX

If we judge from these details at any rate, he should be easy to find.

DIOGENES

May I send a piece of advice to these Philosophers also?

POLLUX

Yes; no difficulty with that either.

DIOGENES

Pass on a brief message to them to stop their foolish talk and their bickering about the universe, and making each other grow horns, ² and composing puzzles about crocodiles, ³ and teaching the human mind to ask such insoluble riddles.

POLLUX

But they say I’m an uneducated ignoramus to cast aspersions on their wisdom.

DIOGENES

You tell them from me to go to the devil.

POLLUX

I’ll give this message too, Diogenes.

DIOGENES

And take this message to the rich men from us, my dearest Pollux. “Why do you guard your gold, you senseless fools? Why do you punish yourselves, counting interest, and piling talents on talents, when you must come here shortly with no more than a penny?” ⁴

POLLUX

They shall have this message too.

DIOGENES

Yes, and say to the men who are handsome and strong like Megillus of Corinth and Damoxenus the wrestler, “Here with us are no golden locks or blue eyes or dark eyes, or rosy cheek, no well-strung sinews or sturdy shoulders—all with us, to quote the proverb, is one and the same dust, skulls bereft of good looks.”

POLLUX

Another easy message for me to give—to the handsome and strong.

DIOGENES

And tell the poor, my Spartan friend, who are many, displeased with life and pitying themselves for their poverty, not to cry and moan; describe to them our equality here, telling them how they’ll see the rich on earth no better here than they are themselves. And tell your own Spartans off from me, if you will, for having become so slack.

POLLUX

Not a word to me about Spartans, Diogenes; I won’t tolerate that. But I’ll deliver your messages to all the others.

DIOGENES

Let’s forget about the Spartans, since that’s your wish, but be sure to give my messages to the people I mentioned earlier on.

Diogenes

Pollux, I have a commission for you; next time you go up—and I think it is your turn for earth to-morrow—if you come across Menippus the Cynic—you will find him about the Craneum at Corinth, or in the Lyceum, laughing at the philosophers’ disputes—well, give him this message:—Menippus, Diogenes advises you, if mortal subjects for laughter begin to pall, to come down below, and find much richer material; where you are now, there is always a dash of uncertainty in it; the question will always intrude—who can be quite sure about the hereafter? Here, you can have your laugh out in security, like me; it is the best of sport to see millionaires, governors, despots, now mean and insignificant; you can only tell them by their lamentations, and the spiritless despondency which is the legacy of better days. Tell him this, and mention that he had better stuff his wallet with plenty of lupines, and any unconsidered trifles he can snap up in the way of pauper doles ¹ or lustral eggs ² .

Pollux

I will tell him, Diogenes. But give me some idea of his appearance.

Diogenes

Old, bald, with a cloak that allows him plenty of light and ventilation, and is patched all colours of the rainbow; always laughing, and usually gibing at pretentious philosophers,

Pollux

Ah, I cannot mistake him now.

Diogenes

May I give you another message to those same philosophers?

Pollux

Oh, I don’t mind; go on.

Diogenes

Charge them generally to give up playing the fool, quarrelling over metaphysics, tricking each other with horn and crocodile puzzles, ³ and teaching people to waste wit on such absurdities.

Pollux

Oh, but if I say anything against their wisdom, they will call me an ignorant blockhead.

Diogenes

Then tell them from me to go to the devil.

Pollux

Very well; rely upon me.

Diogenes

And then, my most obliging of Polluxes, there is this for the rich:—O vain fools, why hoard gold? why all these pains over interest sums and the adding of hundred to hundred, when you must shortly come to us with nothing beyond the dead-penny?

Pollux

They shall have their message too.

Diogenes

Ah, and a word to the handsome and strong; Megillus of Corinth, and Damoxenus the wrestler will do. Inform them that auburn locks, eyes bright or black, rosy cheeks, are as little in fashion here as tense muscles or mighty shoulders; man and man are as like as two peas, tell them, when it comes to bare skull and no beauty.

Pollux

That is to the handsome and strong; yes, I can manage that.

Diogenes

Yes, my Spartan, and here is for the poor. There are a great many of them, very sorry for themselves and resentful of their helplessness. Tell them to dry their tears and cease their cries; explain to them that here one man is as good as another, and they will find those who were rich on earth no better than themselves. As for your Spartans, -you will not mind scolding them, from me, upon their present degeneracy?

Pollux

No, no, Diogenes; leave Sparta alone; that is going too far; your other commissions I will execute.

Diogenes

Oh, well, let them off, if you care about it; but tell all the others what I said.