T. Maccius Plautus Truculentus 2.2

STRATILAX

Who’s this ¹ , that’s so sturdily plying his batteringram against our door?

ASTAPHIUM

It’s I. Look round at me.

STRATILAX

Who’s I?

ASTAPHIUM

Am I not seen by you? ²

STRATILAX

(turning to her.)

Woe worth thee! What mean you by this coming so near this door, or why’s this knocking?

ASTAPHIUM

Health to you.

STRATILAX

Enow of thy health have I; I care nought for’t, I’ve got no health;

I’d rather be sick, than be a bit the sounder with health from thee. This I want to know, what’s owing thee here in our house?

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ASTAPHIUM

Do keep close—

STRATILAX

Yea, faith, to my own good woman I trust; let him keep close to thee whose habit ’tis. A rare fine joke! a silly hussy to be tempting a countryman to naughty tricks.

ASTAPHIUM

Keep close your anger, I meant.

STRATILAX

As thee’st begun with me, so I’d e’en lay a wager ³ there’s not another like thee. ⁴

ASTAPHIUM

(half to herself.)

Really this fellow’s very churlish.

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STRATILAX

Woman, dost thee go on abusing me?

ASTAPHIUM

Why, what did I say to you?

STRATILAX

Why, because thee dost call me churlish. Therefore now, if thee doesn’t be off this instant, and tell me quickly what thee want’st, adzookers, woman, I’ll be, here this very instant, trampling thee beneath my feet like a sow her piglings.

ASTAPHIUM

This is indeed right country,

and no mistake; ’tis an abominable and truly a monkey race.

STRATILAX

(holding up his fist.)

Dost thee throw the country in my teeth, when thee hast found a man who’s ashamed of what’s foul?

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Hast thee come hither to tempt me with thy decked out bones ⁵ ? Was it for that, shameless slut, thee dyed thy mantle of its smoke-dried colour, or art thee so fine because that thee’s been a stealing?

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Come thee towards me then.

ASTAPHIUM

Now you charm me.

STRATILAX

How much I wish I could charm thee.

ASTAPHIUM

You tell a lie. ⁶

STRATILAX

Tell me— ⁷

ASTAPHIUM

What? ⁸

STRATILAX

What I ask thee. Dost thee wish to be taken for a bondswoman, who dost carry on thee those rings?

(Pointing to her fingers.)

ASTAPHIUM

They give them to those who are worthy.

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STRATILAX

These are the spoils of Laverna ⁹ which thee dost possess. ¹⁰

(Lays hold of her.)

ASTAPHIUM

Don’t be touching me.

(Moving away.)

STRATILAX

I, touch thee? So help me my weeding-hoe, I’d rather i’ the country for me to be harnessed like an ox with crumpled horns, and with it spend the livelong night upon the straw, than that a hundred nights with thee, with a dinner apiece, were given me for nothing!

But what business, woman, hast thee at our house? Why dost thee come running this way as often as we come to town?

ASTAPHIUM

I want to meet with your women.

STRATILAX

What women art thee talking to me about, when there’s not even a single woman-fly within the house?

ASTAPHIUM

What, does no woman live here?

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STRATILAX

They’ve gone into the country, I say. Be off.

ASTAPHIUM

Why are you bawling out, you lunatic?

STRATILAX

If thee doesn’t make haste to get away from this with prodigious speed, I’ll forthwith be separating even from thy brains those falsified, daintily arranged, corkscrew curls of thine, with all their grease as well.

ASTAPHIUM

For what reason, pray?

STRATILAX

Why, because thee hast even presumed to approach our door anointed up with thine unguents, and because thee hast those cheeks so nicely, painted pink.

ASTAPHIUM

I’ troth, it was by reason of your clamour that I coloured in my alarm.

STRATILAX

And is it so? Thee coloured? As though, hussy, thee really hadst left to thy skin the power of receiving any colour. Redden up thy cheeks, thee hast given all thy skin its colour with chalk ¹¹ .

Ye are scoundrelly jades.

295

What’s the reason, abominable hussies, that this way ?

I know more than thee think’st I know.

ASTAPHIUM

Prithee, what’s this that you know?

STRATILAX

How Strabax, my master’s son, is ruining himself at your house; how you are all enticing him to fraud and present-making.

ASTAPHIUM

If you appeared in your senses, I’d tell you. You’re uttering abuse only;

not a person is in the habit of being ruined here at our house; they waste their property; when they’ve wasted their property, they may go bare thence, if they choose. I don’t know this young man of yours.

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STRATILAX

Indeed so.

ASTAPHIUM

In sober truth. ¹²

STRATILAX

Aye, but that garden wall ¹³ that’s in our garden says so, which is becoming every night less by a brick, over which he travels to your house on the road to destruction.

ASTAPHIUM

The wall’s an old one; it isn’t wonderful if the bricks, being old, do tumble down.

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STRATILAX

And says thee, hussy, that old bricks do tumble down? By my fakes, may never any mortal man henceforth trust me upon the two grand points ¹⁴ , if I don’t inform of these goings on of yours to my elder master.

ASTAPHIUM

Is he a savage as well?

STRATILAX

Why, he didn’t get his money by enriching harlots, but by thriftiness,

and living hard; which now, however, is being carried off to you, abominable jades. (Takes her by the shoulders and shakes her.) There’s for thee, six-clawed hussy; a wretched life to both of ye. Am I to keep mum about these matters? But, lookye now, I’ll be off to the Forum at once and tell these goings on to the old gentleman, that he mayn’t somehow be cherishing within this matting ¹⁵ a whole swarm of misfortunes.

(Exit.)

ASTAPHIUM

(to herself.)

Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don’t think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i’ troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I’ve seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well.

315

Now I’ll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague’s coming out. (The door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened.) He’s coming out with a sad air; he hasn’t even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.

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