T. Maccius Plautus Truculentus 4.2

ASTAPHIUM

(speaking to her MISTRESS as she comes out.)

I’ll cleverly do my duty, mistress; do you only take care that in-doors you do yours as well; love that which you ought, your own interest; clean that fellow thoroughly out. Now, while it pleases the fellow, while he has got something, adapt the opportunity to that purpose. Display all your charms to your lover that you may heighten his joys.

I meantime will stay here behind and watch at this door so long as he is thus transporting his presents home to you; nor, in the meantime, will I admit any one from there to you who may cause you annoyance. Do you go on, just as you please. Are you not diddling these fellows?

715

DINARCHUS

How now, Astaphium, tell me, who is this fellow that’s on the road to ruin?

ASTAPHIUM

Prithee, were you here?

DINARCHUS

What—am I troublesome?

720

ASTAPHIUM

More now than you were; for unless a person is of use to us, he is troublesome to us. But, prithee, do lend me your attention, that I may say what I want.

DINARCHUS

Why, what is it? Does it concern myself?

ASTAPHIUM

Not a rap. But what hauls he is making present of in-doors.

DINARCHUS

How? Some new lover?

ASTAPHIUM

A fresh one, and a brimming treasure she has hit upon.

725

DINARCHUS

Who is he?

ASTAPHIUM

I’ll tell you, but you be mum. Don’t you know this Strabax?

(Pointing to his FATHER’S house.)

DINARCHUS

Why shouldn’t I?

ASTAPHIUM

He alone rules the roast here at our house. He just now is a landed estate to us. With right good spirit is he wantonly wasting away his property.

DINARCHUS

He’s on the road to ruin; i’ faith, I, too, have come to ruin.

ASTAPHIUM

You are a simpleton, to expect with words to make undone what is done.

730

DINARCHUS

Even Thetis, too, in weeping, made lamentation for her son.

Can I not now be admitted in-doors to your house?

ASTAPHIUM

Why so rather than the Captain?

DINARCHUS

Why, because I’ve given more.

ASTAPHIUM

But you were admitted more, when you were giving more; let those who give, in return for that which they give, enjoy our services.

You’ve learnt your letters; since you know them yourself, let others learn them.

735

DINARCHUS

Let them learn, so long as it is allowed me to con my lesson, that I may not forget what I have paid for.

ASTAPHIUM

In the meantime, while you, who are a master, shall be conning your lesson, she, as well, is desirous to con hers.

DINARCHUS

How so?

ASTAPHIUM

In receiving money ever and anon.

DINARCHUS

For my own part, this very day I gave five minae of silver to be carried to her,

besides one for provisions.

740

ASTAPHIUM

I know that the same was brought; with it we are now enjoying ourselves upon your liberality.

DINARCHUS

For these enemies of mine here to be devouring my property! By heavens, I’d rather that I were dead than submit to that!

ASTAPHIUM

You are a simpleton.

DINARCHUS

How’s that? ¹

ASTAPHIUM

Wait. ²

DINARCHUS

Why so?

ASTAPHIUM

Because, I’ troth, I’d rather

that my enemies should envy me, than I my enemies; for to envy because it goes well with another, and goes badly with yourself, is wretchedness.

Those who are envious, are in want; they who are envied, possess property.

745

DINARCHUS

May I not be a partaker of the provisions bought with the mina?

ASTAPHIUM

If you wanted to be a partaker, you should have taken half home. For here an account of the receipts is entered just as at Acheron;

we take in-doors; when it’s got by us, it can’t be carried out of doors. (Turning on her heel.) Kindly farewell.

750

DINARCHUS

(catching hold of her.)

Do stay.

ASTAPHIUM

(struggling.)

Let me go! Leave off!

DINARCHUS

Do let me go in.

ASTAPHIUM

Yes, to your own house,

DINARCHUS

Aye, but here into your house.

ASTAPHIUM

You cannot go.

DINARCHUS

I can, very well. Do let me try.

ASTAPHIUM

No, wait here; it’s sheer violence to try.

I’d say that you are here, if she wasn’t engaged.

(Runs to the door.)

DINARCHUS

Ha! Do stop! ³

ASTAPHIUM

It’s of no use. ⁴

DINARCHUS

Are you going to return or not?

755

ASTAPHIUM

I’d return, but a voice is calling me that has more influence with me than you have.

DINARCHUS

In one word

I’ll say it.

You’ll receive me?

ASTAPHIUM

You are telling a lie—be off. One word, you said; but now three words have you uttered, and those untrue.

(Goes into the house, and shuts the door.)

DINARCHUS

(to himself.)

She’s off, and she’s gone hence in-doors That I should endure these things to be done to me. By heavens, enticer, with my cries I’ll be exposing you to ridicule in the street,

you who, contrary to law, have received money from many a one. Upon my faith, I’ll forthwith cause your name to be before every magistrate ⁵ , and after that I’ll sue you for fourfold ⁶ , you sorceress, you kidnapper of children. By the powers, I’ll now disclose all your disgraceful deeds. Worthless creature that I am, who have lost everything I had! I’m become desperate,

760

and now I haven’t the slightest bit of concern what shoes I wear ⁷ . But why am I trying here? What, suppose she were to order me to be let in? I could swear in solemn form that I wouldn’t do it if she wished. It’s nonsense. If you thump a goad with your fists, your hands are hurt the most. It’s no good to be angry at a thing of nothing; a creature that doesn’t value you a straw.

765

(Starting.) But what’s this? O immortal Gods, I see old Callicles, him who was my connexion by marriage ⁸ , bringing two female slaves in bonds, the one the hair-dresser of this Phronesium, the other his own servant-maid. I’m greatly alarmed! inasmuch as one care has so recently taken possession of my heart, I’m afraid lest all my former misdeeds should be discovered.

770

(Stands aside.)