T. Maccius Plautus Stichus 4.2

GELASIMUS

(to the AUDIENCE.)

But as I had begun to tell you; while I have been absent hence,

I’ve now been consulting with my friends and with my relatives. They have been my advisers to the effect that I should this very day kill myself with starvation. But don’t I see Pamphilus with his brother Epignomus? Yes, ’tis he. I’ll accost the man. (Goes up to PAMPHILUS.) O longed-for Pamphilus! O my salvation! O my life! O my delight! right welcome. I rejoice that

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you’ve returned safe from abroad to your native land. Welcome.

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PAMPHILUS

Welcome, Gelasimus.

GELASIMUS

Have you been quite well?

PAMPHILUS

I have taken good care of my health.

GELASIMUS

I’ troth, I’m glad of it. I’ faith, I confoundedly wish I had now a thousand measures of silver.

EPIGNOMUS

What need have you of it?

GELASIMUS

I’ faith, that I might invite him to dinner, and not invite you.

EPIGNOMUS

You are talking against your own interest.

GELASIMUS

This, then, that I might invite you both

for my part I should not avoid ¹ there is nothing so as this

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EPIGNOMUS

Troth, now, I’d ask you with pleasure, if there were room left.

GELASIMUS

Well, standing, then, I’ll gobble down a bit in the scramble.

EPIGNOMUS

No, only this one thing can be done.

GELASIMUS

What?

EPIGNOMUS

When the guests have gone, that then you may come—

GELASIMUS

Hurra! capital!

EPIGNOMUS

To wash the pots, I mean; not to dinner.

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GELASIMUS

The Gods confound you! What say you, Pamphilus?

PAMPHILUS

I’ troth, this day I’m engaged to dine elsewhere abroad.

GELASIMUS

How, abroad?

PAMPHILUS

Really abroad, on my word.

GELASIMUS

How the plague do you like, thus wearied, to be supping abroad?

PAMPHILUS

Which do you advise me?

GELASIMUS

Order a dinner to be cooked at home, and word to be sent to him who invited you.

PAMPHILUS

Shall I dine at home, alone?

GELASIMUS

Why, not alone; invite me.

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PAMPHILUS

But I’m afraid lest he should scold me, who has been to this expense for my sake.

GELASIMUS

It may easily be excused—only listen to me; do order a dinner to be cooked at home.

EPIGNOMUS

Not by my advice, indeed, will he act so as to disappoint that person this day.

GELASIMUS

Will you not be off from here? Perhaps you suppose that I don’t see what you’re about. Do you look to yourself, please.

(To PAMPHILUS.) How that fellow is gaping after your property just like a hungry wolf. Don’t you know how men are set upon here in the street at night?

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PAMPHILUS

So many the more servants will I bid to come and fetch me, that they may protect me.

EPIGNOMUS

He won’t stir—he won’t stir; because you persuade him so earnestly not to go out.

GELASIMUS

Do order a dinner to be cooked at home with all speed for me and for yourself and your wife.

Troth, if you do so, I don’t think you’ll say that you are deceived.

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PAMPHILUS

So far as that dinner is concerned, Gelasimus, you may be dinnerless to-day.

GELASIMUS

Are you going abroad to dine?

PAMPHILUS

I’m going to dine at my brother’s, hard by.

GELASIMUS

Is that fixed?

PAMPHILUS

Fixed.

GELASIMUS

By my troth, I hope you may be struck with a stone this day.

PAMPHILUS

I’m not afraid; I shall go through the garden; I’ll not go abroad.

EPIGNOMUS

What say you to that, Gelasimus?

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GELASIMUS

You’re entertaining your deputies; keep them to yourself.

EPIGNOMUS

Why, faith, ’tis your own business.

GELASIMUS

If, indeed, ’tis my own business, avail yourself of my assistance; invite me.

EPIGNOMUS

By my faith, I see, as I fancy, one place still for yourself only, where you may recline.

PAMPHILUS

Really, I do think it may be managed.

GELASIMUS

O light of the city!

EPIGNOMUS

If you can manage to recline in a small compass.

GELASIMUS

Aye, even between two wedges ² of iron.

As little space as a puppy can lie in, the same will be enough for me.

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EPIGNOMUS

I’ll beg for it some way or other; come along.

(Pulls him along.)

GELASIMUS

What? This way?

EPIGNOMUS

Yes, to prison. For here, indeed, you’ll not find any further entertainment ³ . Let’s be off, you Pamphilus.

PAMPHILUS

I’ll but salute the Gods: then I’ll pass through to your house forthwith.

GELASIMUS

What then?

EPIGNOMUS

Why, I said that you might go to prison.

GELASIMUS

Well, if you order it,

I’ll go there even.

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EPIGNOMUS

Immortal Gods! really, by my troth, this fellow might be induced by a dinner or a breakfast to bear extreme torture.

GELASIMUS

Such is my nature; with anything can I struggle much more easily than with hunger.

EPIGNOMUS

I know it: at my house

full long enough has this facility of yours been experienced by me

while you were the Parasite of myself and my brother, we ruined our fortunes.

Now I don’t wish you to be made by me from a Gelasimus into a Catagelasimus ⁴ .

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(EPIGNOMUS and PAMPHILUS go into their houses.)

GELASIMUS

And are you gone now? Surely he is gone. Now have I need of a wise resolution. Both are gone; consider, Gelasimus, what plan you must adopt. What, I? Yes, you. What, for myself? Yes, for yourself. Don’t you see how dear provisions are? Don’t you see how the kindness and the heartiness of men have vanished? Don’t you see how drolls are set at nought, and how they themselves are sponged upon?

By my troth, not a person shall ever behold me alive on the morrow; for, this instant, in-doors will I load my throat with a bulrush dose ⁵ . And by this I shall not give cause for men to say that I died of hunger.

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(Exit.)