T. Maccius Plautus Stichus 2.2

PHILUMENA

Who now, pray, is breaking this door down? (To GELASIMUS.) Are you doing this? Do you come to me like an enemy?

GELASIMUS

My respects to you; I come at your bidding.

PHILUMENA

And is it for that reason you are breaking down my door?

GELASIMUS

Scold your own people; the offenders are your own. I came to see what you wanted me for. Why, for my own part, I pitied this door.

PINACIUM

For that reason your assistance was given so very readily.

PHILUMENA

Pray, who’s that, talking here so near to us?

330

GELASIMUS

Pinacium.

PHILUMENA

Where is he?

(Looks on each side.)

PINACIUM

(coming forward.)

Attend to me, and leave alone that needy Parasite, Philumena.

PHILUMENA

Pinacium.

PINACIUM

That name my elders gave me.

PHILUMENA

What’s your business

PINACIUM

What’s my business, do you ask?

PHILUMENA

Why shouldn’t I ask it?

PINACIUM

What’s yours with me?

PHILUMENA

Do you insult me, impudent fellow? Answer me, this very instant, Pinacium.

PINACIUM

Bid those, then, to let me alone, who are detaining me.

335

PHILUMENA

Who are detaining you?

PINACIUM

Do you ask me that? A lassitude is in possession of all my limbs.

PHILUMENA

Well, I know right well that it’s not in possession of your tongue.

PINACIUM

With such rapid speed have I been hastening from the harbour, for the sake of your own well-doing.

PHILUMENA

Why, do you bring any good news?

PINACIUM

I bring more, by very much, than you expect.

PHILUMENA

I’m saved, then.

PINACIUM

And I’m done for; lassitude is drinking up my marrow apace.

340

GELASIMUS

What, then, am I, the marrow of whose stomach, to my sorrow, famine has seized upon?

PHILUMENA

Did you meet any one?

PINACIUM

Many.

PHILUMENA

But any man?

PINACIUM

Very many; but, of the many, not one a greater rascal than he is.

(Points at GELASIMUS.)

PHILUMENA

How so?

GELASIMUS

I have been affronted already at his saying uncivil things to me. If you irritate me any further—

(Holds up his fist to PINACIUM.)

PINACIUM

I’ faith, you’ll be plaguy hungry to eat me.

GELASIMUS

I’ll cause you to know that assuredly you’ve said that with reason.

PINACIUM

I wish everything to be made clean. (Calls to the SERVANTS from the door.) Bring out here your brooms, and a reed as well, ¹ that I may destroy all the labours of the spiders and their plaguy webs, and rout out all their looms.

(The SERVANTS bring some brooms.)

GELASIMUS

The poor things will be cold in future.

PINACIUM

What? Do you think that they are just like yourself, with only one coat? Take this broom.

350

(Gives him a broom.)

GELASIMUS

I’ll take it.

PINACIUM

This I’ll take myself. Do you sweep away there.

GELASIMUS

I’ll do so.

(Sweeps away.)

PINACIUM

(calling aloud.)

Will some one bring here a pail and water ² ?

GELASIMUS

Really, this fellow’s playing the Aedile ³ without the vote of the public even.

(The water is brought.)

PINACIUM

Come, do you quickly sweep the ground, and sprinkle before the house.

GELASIMUS

I’ll do so.

PINACIUM

It needs be done.

I’ll knock down the spider-webs there from the door and from the wall.

355

GELASIMUS

I’ faith, a troublesome business, this.

PHILUMENA

Still, I don’t at all understand what it means; unless, perchance, some guests are about to come?

PINACIUM

(ordering the SERVANTS.)

Do you spread the couches.

GELASIMUS

(aside.)

The beginning pleases me, about the couches.

PINACIUM

Others, you chop the billets; others, you clean the fish which the fisherman has brought;

take you down the gammon of bacon and the collar of brawn ⁴ .

360

GELASIMUS

(aside.)

I’ faith, this is a very sensible fellow.

PHILUMENA

By my troth, as I imagine, you haven’t quite minded the directions of your mistress.

PINACIUM

Why, I’ve left all matters unattended to by reason of what you wished.

PHILUMENA

Then do you inform me upon that, on account of which you were sent to the harbour?

PINACIUM

I’ll tell you. After, with the daybreak, you had sent me to the harbour,

the sun with its beams opportunely arose from out of the sea. While I was enquiring of the revenue officers whether any ship had arrived from Asia , and they were saying none had come, I beheld, in the meantime, a bark, than which I think I never saw a greater one. With a favouring breeze, and in full sail, it came into harbour.

365

We were enquiring one of another whose ship it was, and what it carried? In the meantime I espied your husband and his servant Stichus.

370

PHILUMENA

Ha! what? Did you mention Epignomus?

GELASIMUS

Your husband

and my own life.

PINACIUM

He has arrived, I say.

PHILUMENA

Did you see him yourself?

PINACIUM

Yes, and with pleasure too.

GELASIMUS

I’ faith, I’ll surely take the broom, and sweep this place with pleasure.

375

PINACIUM

He has brought a great amount of silver and gold.

GELASIMUS

’Tis right cleverly done.

PINACIUM

Wool and purple in plenty.

GELASIMUS

Aye, for me to clothe my carcase with.

PINACIUM

Couches, adorned with ivory and gold.

GELASIMUS

I’ll recline at table right regally.

PINACIUM

Besides—Babylonian coverings for couches ⁵ , and carpets dyed in purple, has he brought.

GELASIMUS

Abundance of fine things.

I’ faith, his business has been successful.

PINACIUM

Then, as I began to say, female players on the harp, on the pipe, sackbuts too ⁶ , has he brought with him, of surprising beauty.

380

GELASIMUS

Capital! When I’m at my wine, I’ll be quite sportive; then am I in merriest pin.

PINACIUM

Besides many unguents of numerous kinds.

GELASIMUS

I’ll not sell my bon mots; I’ll not have an auction now; I’ve got an estate in fee ⁷ .

Let the mischievous hunters of auctions go to perdition. Hercules, I congratulate thee that the tenths which I vowed to thee are increased. ’Tis my hope that at length, by some means or other, I may expel this plaguy famine from my stomach.

385

PINACIUM

And then, besides, he has brought some Parasites ⁸ with him.

GELASIMUS

Alas! to my confusion, I’m undone.

PINACIUM

Right funny fellows.

GELASIMUS

I’ faith, I’ll sweep this dust back, which I just now swept together. (Sweeps it back.)

Those bon mots are now on sale, which I was saying I wouldn’t sell. I’m done for: now there is occasion for spiteful persons to rejoice at my misfortune.

Hercules, thou who art a God, thou really hast departed not opportunely.

395

PHILUMENA

Did you see Pamphilus, the husband of my sister?

390

PINACIUM

No.

PHILUMENA

Isn’t he there?

PINACIUM

Yes, they said that he had come as well. I ran hither before them, with all speed, that I might bring the welcome tidings.

PHILUMENA

Go in-doors, Pinacium; bid the servants prepare the sacred things ⁹ for me. (To GELASIMUS.) Fare you well!

GELASIMUS

Do you want me to assist?

PHILUMENA

I have servants enough in the house.

(PHILUMENA and PINACIUM go into the house.)

GELASIMUS

(to himself.)

In good sooth, Gelasimus, I doubt you have come to but little purpose, if neither he that is here gives you any aid, nor yet he that’s coming.

I’ll off indoors to my books ¹⁰ , and take my instructions from the cleverest sayings; for if I don’t drive away those fellows, the Parasites that are coming, most surely I’m undone.

400

(Exit.)