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485
(Enter LABRAX, dripping wet, followed by CHARMIDES, at a distance, in the same plight.)
LABRAX
(grumbling to himself.)
The person that chooses himself to be wretched and a beggar, let him trust himself and his life to Neptune. For if any one has any dealings at all with him, he sends him back home equipped in this guise.
485
(Surveying himself.) By my troth, Liberty, you were a clever one, who were never willing
1
to put even a foot, I’ faith, on board ship with me.
But
(looking round) where’s this guest of mine that has proved my ruin? Oh, see, here he comes.
The person that chooses himself to be wretched and a beggar, let him trust himself and his life to Neptune. For if any one has any dealings at all with him, he sends him back home equipped in this guise.
485
(Surveying himself.) By my troth, Liberty, you were a clever one, who were never willing
1
to put even a foot, I’ faith, on board ship with me.
But
(looking round) where’s this guest of mine that has proved my ruin? Oh, see, here he comes.
CHARMIDES
Where the plague are you hurrying to, Labrax? For really I cannot follow you so fast.
Where the plague are you hurrying to, Labrax? For really I cannot follow you so fast.
LABRAX
I only wish that you had perished by direful tornments in
Sicily
before I had looked upon you with my eyes,
you on whose account this misfortune has befallen me.
I only wish that you had perished by direful tornments in
Sicily
before I had looked upon you with my eyes,
you on whose account this misfortune has befallen me.
CHARMIDES
I only wish that on the day on which you admitted me into your house, I had laid me down in a prison sooner. I pray the immortal Gods, that so long as you live,
you may have all your guests just like your own self.
500
I only wish that on the day on which you admitted me into your house, I had laid me down in a prison sooner. I pray the immortal Gods, that so long as you live,
you may have all your guests just like your own self.
500
LABRAX
In your person I admitted misfortune into my house. What business had I to listen to a rogue like you, or what to depart hence? Or why to go on board ship, where I have lost even more wealth
2
than I was possessor of?
In your person I admitted misfortune into my house. What business had I to listen to a rogue like you, or what to depart hence? Or why to go on board ship, where I have lost even more wealth
2
than I was possessor of?
CHARMIDES
Troth, I’m far from being surprised if your ship has been wrecked, which was carrying yourself, a villain, and your property villanously acquired.
505
Troth, I’m far from being surprised if your ship has been wrecked, which was carrying yourself, a villain, and your property villanously acquired.
505
LABRAX
You’ve utterly ruined me with your wheedling speeches.
You’ve utterly ruined me with your wheedling speeches.
CHARMIDES
A more accursed dinner of yours have I been dining upon than the ones that were set before Thyestes and Tereus
3
.
A more accursed dinner of yours have I been dining upon than the ones that were set before Thyestes and Tereus
3
.
LABRAX
I’m dying; I’m sick at heart. Prithee, do hold up my head.
510
I’m dying; I’m sick at heart. Prithee, do hold up my head.
510
CHARMIDES
By my troth, I could very much wish that you would vomit up your lungs.
By my troth, I could very much wish that you would vomit up your lungs.
LABRAX
Alas! Palaestra and Ampelisca, where are you now?
Alas! Palaestra and Ampelisca, where are you now?
CHARMIDES
Supplying food for the fishes at the bottom, I suppose.
Supplying food for the fishes at the bottom, I suppose.
LABRAX
You have brought beggary upon me by your means,
while I was listening to your bragging lies.
515
You have brought beggary upon me by your means,
while I was listening to your bragging lies.
515
CHARMIDES
You have reason deservedly to give me many hearty thanks, who from an insipid morsel by my agency have made you salt
4
.
You have reason deservedly to give me many hearty thanks, who from an insipid morsel by my agency have made you salt
4
.
LABRAX
Nay, but do you get out from me to extreme and utter perdition.
Nay, but do you get out from me to extreme and utter perdition.
CHARMIDES
You be off; I was just going to do that very thing.
You be off; I was just going to do that very thing.
LABRAX
Alas! what mortal being is there living more wretched than I?
520
Alas! what mortal being is there living more wretched than I?
520
CHARMIDES
I am by very far much more wretched, Labrax, than yourself.
I am by very far much more wretched, Labrax, than yourself.
LABRAX
How so?
How so?
CHARMIDES
Because I am not deserving of it, whereas you are deserving.
Because I am not deserving of it, whereas you are deserving.
LABRAX
O bulrush, bulrush, I do praise your lot, who always maintain your credit for dryness.
O bulrush, bulrush, I do praise your lot, who always maintain your credit for dryness.
CHARMIDES
(his teeth chattering.)
For my part, I’m exercising myself for a skirmishing fight
5
, for, from my shivering, I utter all my words in piecemeal flashes.
525
For my part, I’m exercising myself for a skirmishing fight
5
, for, from my shivering, I utter all my words in piecemeal flashes.
525
LABRAX
By my troth, Neptune, you are a purveyor of chilly baths; since I got away from you with my clothes, I’ve been freezing.
No hot liquor-shop
6
at all for sure does he provide;
so salt and cold the potions that he prepares.
530
By my troth, Neptune, you are a purveyor of chilly baths; since I got away from you with my clothes, I’ve been freezing.
No hot liquor-shop
6
at all for sure does he provide;
so salt and cold the potions that he prepares.
530
CHARMIDES
How lucky are the blacksmiths who are always sitting among hot coals; they are always warm.
How lucky are the blacksmiths who are always sitting among hot coals; they are always warm.
LABRAX
I only wish that I were now enjoying the lot of the duck, so as, although I had just come from out of the water, still to be dry.
I only wish that I were now enjoying the lot of the duck, so as, although I had just come from out of the water, still to be dry.
CHARMIDES
What if I some way or other let myself out at the games for a hobgoblin
7
?
535
What if I some way or other let myself out at the games for a hobgoblin
7
?
535
LABRAX
For what reason?
For what reason?
CHARMIDES
Because, I’ faith, I’m chattering aloud with my teeth.
But I’m of opinion that, with very good reason, I’ve had this ducking.
Because, I’ faith, I’m chattering aloud with my teeth.
But I’m of opinion that, with very good reason, I’ve had this ducking.
LABRAX
How so?
How so?
CHARMIDES
Why, haven’t I ventured to go on board ship with yourself, who have been stirring up the ocean for me from the very bottom?
Why, haven’t I ventured to go on board ship with yourself, who have been stirring up the ocean for me from the very bottom?
LABRAX
I listened to you when advising me; you assured me that there in
Sicily
was very great profit from courtesans; there, you used to say, I should be able to amass wealth.
540
I listened to you when advising me; you assured me that there in
Sicily
was very great profit from courtesans; there, you used to say, I should be able to amass wealth.
540
CHARMIDES
Did you expect, then, you unclean beast, that you were going to gobble up the whole island of
Sicily
?
Did you expect, then, you unclean beast, that you were going to gobble up the whole island of
Sicily
?
LABRAX
What whale, I wonder, has gobbled up my wallet where all my gold and silver was packed up?
545
What whale, I wonder, has gobbled up my wallet where all my gold and silver was packed up?
545
CHARMIDES
That same one, I suppose, that has swallowed my purse, which was full of silver in my travelling-bag.
That same one, I suppose, that has swallowed my purse, which was full of silver in my travelling-bag.
LABRAX
Alas! I’m reduced even to this one poor tunic
(stretching it out)
and to this poor shabby cloak; I’m done for to all intents.
550
Alas! I’m reduced even to this one poor tunic
(stretching it out)
and to this poor shabby cloak; I’m done for to all intents.
550
CHARMIDES
Then you may even go into partnership with me; we have got equal shares.
Then you may even go into partnership with me; we have got equal shares.
LABRAX
If at least my damsels had been saved, there would have been some hope. Now, if the young man Plesidippus should be seeing me,
from whom I received the earnest for Palaestra, he’ll then be causing me some trouble in consequence.
555
(He begins to cry.)
If at least my damsels had been saved, there would have been some hope. Now, if the young man Plesidippus should be seeing me,
from whom I received the earnest for Palaestra, he’ll then be causing me some trouble in consequence.
555
CHARMIDES
Why cry, you fool? Really, by my troth, so long as your tongue shall exist, you have abundance with which to make payment to everybody
8
.
Why cry, you fool? Really, by my troth, so long as your tongue shall exist, you have abundance with which to make payment to everybody
8
.
Rudens. Plautus. Henry Thomas Riley (Translator). London. 1913.
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