T. Maccius Plautus Pseudolus 3.2

BALLIO

Those who call it the cook’s market, call it so foolishly; for ’tis not a cook’s market, but a thieves’ market. For if, upon oath, I were to seek out the worst of men, I couldn’t have brought a worse one than this fellow that I’m bringing, one, chattering, bragging, silly, and worthless.

790

Why, for this very reason Orcus has declined ¹ to take him to himself, that he might be here to cook a banquet for the dead; for here he is able to cook a thing to please them alone.

795

A COOK.

If you thought of me in this manner that you are mentioning, why did you hire me?

BALLIO

From scarcity; there wasn’t another.

But why, if you were a cook, were you sitting in the market-place, you alone behind the rest?

800

A COOK.

I’ll tell you. By reason of the avarice of men have I become an inferior cook, not through my own inclination.

BALLIO

For what reason is that?

A COOK.

I’ll tell you. Because, in fact, directly people come to hire a cook,

no one enquires for him that’s the best and the highest priced: rather do they hire him that’s the lowest priced. Through this have I to-day been the only sitter in the market. Those wretched fellows are for a drachma a-piece; not any person is able to prevail on me to rise for less than a didrachm ² .

805

I don’t cook a dinner too, like other cooks, who bring me up seasoned meadows of grass upon their dishes; who turn the guests into oxen, and supply the grass. This herbage, too, do they further season with other herbs: put in coriander, fennel, garlick, orage;

810

they add, too, sorrel, cabbage, beet, and spinach. In this they dissolve a pound weight of asafoetida. The roguish mustard is pounded, which makes the eyes of those that pound it drop tears before they have pounded it. These fellows, when they cook dinners, when they do season them, season them,

815

not with seasonings, but with vampyre owls ³ which eat out the bowels of the guests while still alive. Through this, in fact, it is, that people here live such short lives, inasmuch as they heap up these herbs of this sort in their stomachs, dreadful to be mentioned, not only to be eaten.

820

Herbage which the cattle eat not, men eat themselves.

825

BALLIO

What do you say? Do you use divine seasonings, by which you can prolong the life of men, you, who find fault with these other seasonings?

A COOK.

I proclaim it boldly;

for those who shall eat of my victuals which I have seasoned will be able to exist two hundred years even.

For when I’ve put into the saucepan either cicilendrum, or cepolindrum, or mace ⁴ , or saucaptis, the very dishes become warmed forthwith. These are sauces for fish, the cattle of Neptune;

the flesh of the earthly cattle I season with cicimandrum, hapalopsis, or cataractria.

835

BALLIO

Now may Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you with your sauces, and with all those lies of yours!

A COOK.

Do allow me to speak, please.

BALLIO

Speak, and go to very perdition.

A COOK.

When all the saucepans are hot, I open them all then does the odour fly towards heaven with its hand hanging down ⁵ .

840

BALLIO

The odour with its hands hanging down?

A COOK.

I made a mistake without thinking.

BALLIO

How so?

A COOK.

With its feet hanging down, I meant to say. Jupiter dines on that odour every day.

BALLIO

If you happen not to go out to cook, pray what does Jupiter dine upon?

845

A COOK.

He goes to sleep without his dinner.

BALLIO

Go to very perdition. Is it for this reason that I’m to give you a didrachm to-day?

A COOK.

Well, I confess that I am a very high-priced cook; but I make the results of my labour to be seen for the price,

hired at which I go out.

850

BALLIO

In thieving, to wit.

A COOK.

And do you expect to meet with any cook except with the claws of a kite or of an eagle?

BALLIO

And do you expect to go anywhere to cook, and not to cook the dinner there with your claws tied up?

Now, therefore, you boy (to the BOY), who are my servant, I now give you notice to make haste to remove hence all my property; and to keep his eyes as well in your sight. Whichever way he shall look, do you look the same way as well. If he shall move in any direction, do you move as well.

855

If he shall put forth his hand, put you forth your hand as well. If he shall take anything of his own, do you suffer him to take it; if he shall take what’s mine, do you on the other side hold him fast. If he shall stoop to the ground, do you stoop there as well.

860

Likewise over your understrappers I shall appoint a single guard a-piece.

865

A COOK.

Only have good courage.

BALLIO

Prithee, tell me how I possibly can have good courage, who am taking you home to my house?

A COOK.

Because, by my broth, this day will I do just in the way that Medea cooked up the old man Pelias ⁶

whom she is said by a draught and by her potions from an aged man to have made young again; so will I make you likewise.

870

BALLIO

How now; are you an enchanter as well?

A COOK.

Why no, by my troth, I am rather a preserver ⁷ of mankind.

BALLIO

Well now; for how much would you teach me that one point in cooking?

A COOK.

What point?

BALLIO

That I may preserve you from pilfering anything from me.

A COOK.

For a didrachm, if you believe me; if not, not for a mina even. But whether are you about to-day to give a dinner, to your friends or to your enemies?

BALLIO

Why, faith, to my friends surely.

A COOK.

But why don’t you invite your enemies to it rather than your friends? For this day will I present to the guests a banquet so savoury, and I’ll season it with such a dulcet sweetness, that whoever shall taste each thing that’s seasoned, I’ll make that same person to gnaw off the ends of his own fingers.

880

BALLIO

Troth now, prithee, before you shall present aught to the guests do you yourself first taste, and give some to your understrappers, that you may gnaw off the ends of your own pilfering hands.

885

A COOK.

Perhaps then you don’t believe me in the things that I say.

BALLIO

Don’t you be troublesome; you din me too much; you don’t please me by it.

See, there I live. (Points to his house.) Do you go in-doors and cook the dinner, with all speed.

890

A BOY

Why don’t you go, and take your place? Go and find the guests; the dinner’s spoiling already.

(COOK and BOY go into the house.)

BALLIO

Now, just look, please, at that young offshoot; for he, too, is a good-for-nothing deputy-scullion for the cook. Truly I don’t know what now first to be on my guard against;

such thieves there are in my house, and there’s a robber close at hand. For my neighbour here, the father of Calidorus, a short time since, in the market-place, asked me by all means to be on my guard against his servant Pseudolus, not to put any trust in him; for that he is on the hunt this day,

895

if possible to dupe me out of the woman. He said that he had stoutly promised to him that he would get away Phœnicium from me by stratagem. I’ll now go indoors and give notice to my household, that no one must put any trust whatever in this Pseudolus.

900

(Goes into his house.)