T. Maccius Plautus Miles Gloriosus 4.2

MILPHIDIPPA

(as she enters.)

My Circus, then ¹ , is before the house, where my sports are to take place. I’ll make pretence, as though I didn’t see them, or knew as yet that they are here.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Hush! let’s quietly listen, whether any mention is made of me.

MILPHIDIPPA

(aloud.)

Is there no one near at hand here, to attend to another’s business rather than his own?—

to prowl after ² me to see what I’m about? No one who is feeding this evening ³ at his own expense? I dread such men as these, lest they should now come in the way, or prove an hindrance somehow, should my mistress privately pass from her house this way, who is so enamoured of his person, who so dotes upon this very charming man with his exceeding beauty—the Captain Pyrgopolinices

995

PYRGOPOLINICES

And doesn’t she dote upon me, too? She is praising my beauty.

PALAESTRIO

I’ faith, her language stands in need of no ashes ⁴ . ⁵

1000

PYRGOPOLINICES

For what reason?

PALAESTRIO

Why, because her language is clean spoken and far from slovenly.

Whatever she says about yourself, she handles it in no slovenly way.

And, then, besides, she herself is a very pretty and a very dainty wench.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Troth, indeed, she has made an impression already, Palaestrio, at first sight.

PALAESTRIO

What! before you have seen the other with your eyes?

1005

PYRGOPOLINICES

What I see, in that I have faith for myself; for this mackerel ⁶ , in the absence of the mullet, compels me to be in love with her.

PALAESTRIO

I’ faith, you really mustn’t be falling in love with her, she’s engaged to me. If the other weds you to-day, forthwith I shall take this one for my wife.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Why, then, do you delay to accost her?

PALAESTRIO

Follow me this way, then.

PYRGOPOLINICES

I am your lackey at your heels ⁷ .

MILPHIDIPPA

(aloud.)

I wish that I had an opportunity of meeting him on account of whom I came here out of doors.

PALAESTRIO

(accosting her.)

It shall be so, and you shall have what you so greatly wish; be of good courage, don’t fear; there is a certain person who knows where that is which you are seeking.

MILPHIDIPPA

Who’s that I hear at hand?

PALAESTRIO

The sharer of your plans and the partaker of your secrets.

MILPHIDIPPA

I’ faith, then, what I do conceal I don’t conceal.

PALAESTRIO

Aye, but still you don’t conceal it this way.

MILPHIDIPPA

How so?

1015

PALAESTRIO

From the uninitiated you conceal them. I am sure and trustworthy to you.

MILPHIDIPPA

Give me the sign, if you are one of these votaries ⁸ .

PALAESTRIO

A certain lady loves a certain gentleman.

MILPHIDIPPA

Faith, many ladies do that indeed.

PALAESTRIO

But not many ladies send a present from off their fingers.

MILPHIDIPPA

Aye, I know now. You’ve now made the matter level for me instead of steep. But is there a certain person here?

PALAESTRIO

Either he is or he is not.

MILPHIDIPPA

Come aside with me alone, in private.

PALAESTRIO

For a short or for a lengthy conversation?

1020

MILPHIDIPPA

For three words only.

PALAESTRIO

(to PYRGOPOLINICES.)

I’ll return to you this instant.

PYRGOPOLINICES

What? Shall I be standing here in the meanwhile, with such charms and valorous deeds, thus to no purpose?

PALAESTRIO

Submit to it and wait; for you am I doing this service.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Make haste; I am tortured with waiting.

PALAESTRIO

You know that commodities of this kind are only wont to be reached step by step.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Well, well; as is most agreable to yourself.

PALAESTRIO

(aside.)

There is no stone more stupid than this fellow. I now return to you.

(To MILPHIDIPPA.) What would you with me?

1025

(Retires with her to distance.)

MILPHIDIPPA

In the way in which I received it of you a short time since, I bring you back your clever lot;

my story is as though she were dying with love for him.

PALAESTRIO

That I understand.

Do you commend his beauty and his appearance, and make mention of his prowess.

MILPHIDIPPA

For that purpose I am armed at all points ⁹ , as I have shown you before already.

On the other hand, do you give all attention, and be on the watch, and take your cue ¹⁰ from my words.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Prithee do now, in fine, give me some share in the business; step this way this instant, I beg.

1030

PALAESTRIO

(goes up to him.)

Here I am. If you wish for aught, give me your commands.

PYRGOPOLINICES

What is she saying to you?

PALAESTRIO

She is saying that her mistress is lamenting, and, in tears, is tormenting and afflicting herself because she wishes for you, and because she possesses you not; for that reason has she been sent here to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Bid her approach.

PALAESTRIO

But do you know how you are to act? Pretend that you are full of disdain,

as though it pleased you not; exclaim against me, because I make you so common to the mob.

1035

PYRGOPOLINICES

I remember, and I’ll follow your instructions.

PALAESTRIO

I’ll call her, then, who is inquiring after you.

PYRGOPOLINICES

If she wants anything, let her come.

PALAESTRIO

Wench, if you want anything, step this way.

MILPHIDIPPA

(approaching.)

Save you, charmer ¹¹ .

PYRGOPOLINICES

She makes mention of my surname. May the Gods grant you whatever you may desire.

MILPHIDIPPA

To pass life with you is the wish of—

PYRGOPOLINICES

You are wishing too much.

MILPHIDIPPA

I am not speaking of myself, but of my mistress, who is dying for you.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Many others are wishing for the same thing, who have not the opportunity.

MILPHIDIPPA

By my troth, ’tis not to be wondered at; you set a high value on yourself—a person so handsome, and so illustrious for his prowess, and so valorous in his deeds! O! was there ever any one more worthy to be a man?

PALAESTRIO

(aside.)

I’ faith, the filthy fellow is not a human being; indeed, I think there is something more human in a vulture ¹² .

PYRGOPOLINICES

(aside.)

Now I shall make myself of importance,

since she so praises me up.

1045

(Struts about.)

PALAESTRIO

(aside.)

Do you see the blockhead, how he struts? (To PYRGOPOLINICES.) But will you not answer her; she is the woman that’s come from the lady whom I was mentioning just now.

PYRGOPOLINICES

But from which one of them? For there are so many courting me, I cannot remember them all.

MILPHIDIPPA

From her who strips her own fingers and adorns your fingers; for I delivered to him
(pointing to PALAESTRIO) that ring from her who is sighing for you, and then he to you.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Tell me, wench, what is it you want then?

1050

MILPHIDIPPA

That you will not despise her who is sighing for you; who lives now but in your life: whether she is to exist or not, her hope is in you alone.

PYRGOPOLINICES

What does she want then?

MILPHIDIPPA

To talk with you, to embrace you, and to be intimate with you. For unless you bring her succour, she will soon be quite desponding in her mind. Come, my Achilles, let that be done which I entreat; save her, charmer, by your charming ways.

Call forth your kind disposition, stormer of cities, slayer of kings.

1055

PYRGOPOLINICES

O! by my troth, ’tis a vexatious thing! (To PALAESTRIO.) How often, whip-scoundrel, have I forbidden you to make promises of my attention thus common.

PALAESTRIO

Do you hear that, hussy? I have told you already, and I now tell you again, unless a fee is given to this boar-pig ¹³ , he cannot possibly throw away his attentions in any quarter.

MILPHIDIPPA

A fee shall be given, as large as he shall demand.

PALAESTRIO

He requires a talent of gold, in Philippean pieces. Less he will take from no one.

MILPHIDIPPA

O, by my troth, but that’s too little, surely.

PYRGOPOLINICES

By nature there’s no avarice in me; I have riches enough. I’ faith! I’ve more than a thousand measures ¹⁴ full of Philippean gold coins.

PALAESTRIO

Besides your treasures.

Then, of silver, he has mountains, not ingots; Aetna is not so high.

1065

MILPHIDIPPA

(aside.)

By the stars! O, what a lie!

PALAESTRIO

(to MILPHIDIPPA, aside.)

How rarely I am playing him off!

MILPHIDIPPA

(to PALAESTRIO, aside.)

And I; how do I do it? Ain’t I gulling him?

PALAESTRIO

(aside.)

Rarely.

MILPHIDIPPA

But, prithee, do let me go now.

PALAESTRIO

(to the CAPTAIN.)

But do you give her some answer, either that you will do it, or that you won’t do it.

Why cause this poor lady so much anguish of mind, who has never deserved any ill of you?

PYRGOPOLINICES

Bid her come to me herself. Tell her that I will do everything that she requires.

MILPHIDIPPA

You now act as it is proper for you to act. since you wish the same yourself that she is wishing.

PALAESTRIO

(to himself, aside.)

No poor faculty of invention has she.

MILPHIDIPPA

Since too you have not scouted your petitioner, and have suffered me to prevail upon you. (Aside to PALAESTRIO.) How now? Haven’t I played him off?

PALAESTRIO

(aside to MILPHIDIPPA.)

Faith, I couldn’t refrain from laughing.

MILPHIDIPPA

(aside to PALAESTRIO.)

Yes; and for the same reason I turned in this direction away from you.

PYRGOPOLINICES

By my troth, wench, you don’t understand

how great an honor I am now paying her.

1075

MILPHIDIPPA

I know, and I shall tell her so.

PALAESTRIO

To another he could have sold his favours for his weight in gold.

MILPHIDIPPA

I’ faith, I believe you in that.

PALAESTRIO

Of those that are parents by him true warriors are born, and his sons live eight hundred years.

MILPHIDIPPA

(aside to PALAESTRIO.)

Fie on you for a fibber!

PYRGOPOLINICES

Why, straight on, from age to age, they live for a thousand years.

PALAESTRIO

I spoke within limits, for the reason that she mightn’t suppose I was telling lies to her.

1080

MILPHIDIPPA

(aside.)

I burst, I die! (Aloud.) How many years will he live himself whose sons live so long?

PYRGOPOLINICES

Wench, I was born the day after Jupiter was born of Ops.

PALAESTRIO

If he had only been born the day before the other was, he would have had the realms of heaven.

MILPHIDIPPA

(aside to PALAESTRIO.)

Now, now, prithee, no more do let me get away from you, if I can, alive.

PALAESTRIO

Why don’t you go then, as you have your answer?

1085

MILPHIDIPPA

I’ll go, and I’ll bring her here, on whose behalf I am employed. Is there aught else you wish?

PYRGOPOLINICES

May I never be more handsome than I am at present; so much trouble do my good looks cause me.

PALAESTRIO

Why do you stay now? Why don’t you go?

MILPHIDIPPA

I’m going.

PALAESTRIO

(aside to MILPHIDIPPA.)

And tell her, too, do you hear, cleverly and correctly, what has passed.

MILPHIDIPPA

(to PALAESTRIO.)

So that her very heart may leap for joy. ¹⁵

PALAESTRIO

(aside to MILPHIDIPPA)

If Philocomasium is there, tell her to pass through into our house; that the Captain here.

MILPHIDIPPA

(to PALAESTRIO.)

She is there with my mistress for, on the sly, they have been overhearing ¹⁶ this conversation.

1090

PALAESTRIO

(aside to MILPHIDIPPA.)

’Twas cleverly done; here after they will take their cue the more readily from this conversation.

MILPHIDIPPA

(to PALAESTRIO.)

You are delaying me. I’m off.

PALAESTRIO

(to MILPHIDIPPA.)

I’m not delaying you, nor touching you, nor ¹⁷ —I’m mum.

PYRGOPOLINICES

Bid her make haste to come out here; we’ll give our first attention to this matter especially. (MILPHIDIPPA goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.)