T. Maccius Plautus Mercator 4.4

A COOK.

Make haste, get quickly on, for I’ve got to cook a dinner for an old gentleman in love. And, in fact, when I think of it again, it’s to be cooked for ourselves, not him for whom we’ve been hired: for a person that’s in love, if he has that with which he is in love, he esteems that as food,

to see her, embrace her, kiss her, chat with her; but we, I trust, shall return well laden home. Step this way. But see, here’s the old gentleman that hired us.

745

LYSIMACHUS

(aside.)

Why, look! I’m undone! here’s the Cook.

A COOK.

(going up to LYSIMACHUS.)

We are come.

LYSIMACHUS

Be off!

A COOK.

How, be off?

LYSIMACHUS

(in a low voice.)

Hush! Be off!

A COOK.

What, I, be off?

LYSIMACHUS

Be off, I say.

A COOK.

Are you not going to have a dinner?

750

LYSIMACHUS

We are full already.

DORIPPA

But—

LYSIMACHUS

(aside.)

I’m utterly undone.

DORIPPA

What say you? Have those persons ordered these things to be brought to you as well, between whom you were appointed arbitrator?

A COOK.

Is this person (pointing to DORIPPA) your mistress, whom a little time since you told me you were in love with, when you were buying the provisions?

LYSIMACHUS

Won’t you hold your tongue?

A COOK.

A very pretty figure of a woman! I’ faith, she does love a sweetheart.

755

LYSIMACHUS

Won’t you be off to perdition?

A COOK.

She’s not amiss.

LYSIMACHUS

But you are amiss.

A COOK.

I’ troth, I do fancy she’s a nice bed-fellow.

LYSIMACHUS

Won’t you be off? I’m not the person that hired you just now.

A COOK.

How’s that? Nay but, upon my faith, you are that very man.

LYSIMACHUS

(aside.)

Alas wretch that I am!

A COOK.

Your wife’s in the country, I suppose, whom you were saying a little time ago you hated full as much as vipers.

760

LYSIMACHUS

I, said that to you?

A COOK.

Aye, to me, upon my faith.

LYSIMACHUS

So may Jupiter love me, wife, I never did say that.

DORIPPA

Do you deny that as well?

A COOK.

(to DORIPPA.)

He didn’t say he hated you, but his wife.

765

DORIPPA

This is made clear, that you detest me.

LYSIMACHUS

But I deny it.

A COOK.

And he said that his wife was in the country.

LYSIMACHUS

(pointing to DORIPPA.)

This is she. Why are you annoying me?

A COOK.

Because you say that you don’t know me. Are you afraid of her?

LYSIMACHUS

I’m wise in being so; for she’s my only companion.

A COOK.

Do you wish to use my services?

LYSIMACHUS

I don’t wish.

A COOK.

Give me my pay.

LYSIMACHUS

Ask for it to-morrow; it shall be given you; for the present, be off.

770

(Aside.) Alas, wretch that I am!

I now find that that old saying is a true one, that some bad comes through a bad neighbour.

A COOK.

(to the SCULLIONS.)

Why are we standing here?

LYSIMACHUS

Why don’t you be gone? ¹

A COOK.

(aside to LYSIMACHUS.)

If any inconvenience happens to you, that’s not my fault.

LYSIMACHUS

(aside to the COOK.)

Why, you are utterly ruining wretched me

775

A COOK.

(aside to LYSIMACHUS.)

I understand now what you want. You mean, you wish me to go away from here.

LYSIMACHUS

(aside to the COOK.)

I do wish it, I say.

A COOK.

(aside to LYSIMACHUS.)

I’ll be off. Pay me a drachma.

LYSIMACHUS

(aside to the COOK.)

It shall be paid.

A COOK.

(aside to LYSIMACHUS.)

Then order it to be paid me, please. It can be paid in the meantime, while they are putting down the provisions.

LYSIMACHUS

(aside to the COOK.)

Why don’t you be off? Can’t you cease being troublesome?

(Slips the money into his hand.)

A COOK.

(to the SCULLIONS.)

Come, do you set down

those provisions before the feet of that old gentleman. These baskets I’ll order to be fetched from your house either by-and-by or else to-morrow. (To the SCULLIONS.) Do you follow me.

780

(Exeunt, having set down the provisions.)

LYSIMACHUS

Perhaps you are surprised at that Cook, that he came and brought these things. I’ll tell you why it is.

DORIPPA

I’m not surprised if you do anything wrongful or criminal;

and, by heavens, I’ll not put up with it, that I am married thus unfortunately, and that harlots are brought into my house in this way. Syra, go ask my father, in my name, to come here directly together with you.

785

SYRA

I’ll go.

LYSIMACHUS

Prithee, wife, you don’t know what the matter is.

In set form now will I make oath, that I have never had anything to do with her. (Exit SYRA.) What, is Syra gone now? By heaven, I’m undone! (DORIPPA goes into the house.) (to himself.) But, see, she’s off as well! Woe to wretched me! Then, neighbour Demipho, may the Gods and Goddesses confound you, together with your mistress and your intriguings!

790

He has most unjustly loaded me with suspicions; he has stirred up enemies against me. At home my wife is most infuriated. I’ll be off to the Forum, and tell this to Demipho, that I’ll drag this woman by the hair into the street, unless he takes her hence out of this house wherever he chooses.

795

(Goes to the door and calls.) Hark you! wife, wife! although you’re angry at me, you’ll order, if you are wise, these things to be carried hence indoors. We shall be able by-and-by to dine all the better upon the same.

800