T. Maccius Plautus Mercator 2.2

LYSIMACHUS

Really I will have this goat mutilated, that’s giving us so much trouble at the farm.

DEMIPHO

(apart.)

Neither this omen nor this augury pleases me;

I’m afraid that my wife will be just now mutilating me like the he-goat, and be acting the part of this same ape.

275

LYSIMACHUS

Do you go hence to my country-house, and take care and deliver personally into his own hands those rakes to the bailiff Pistus himself. Take care and tell my wife that

I have business in the city, so that she mayn’t expect me; for do you mention that I have three causes coming on for judgment to-day. Be off, and remember to say this.

280

SERVANT

Anything more?

LYSIMACHUS

That’s enough.

(Exit SERVANT.)

DEMIPHO

(Stepping forward.)

Greetings to you, Lysimachus.

LYSIMACHUS

Well met! and greetings to you, Demipho. How are you? How goes it?

DEMIPHO

As with one that’s most wretched ¹ .

LYSIMACHUS

May the Gods grant better things.

285

DEMIPHO

As for the Gods, it’s they that do this.

LYSIMACHUS

What’s the matter?

DEMIPHO

I’d tell you, if I saw that you had time or leisure.

LYSIMACHUS

Although I have business in hand, if you wish for anything, Demipho, I’m never too busy to give attention to a friend.

DEMIPHO

You speak of your kindness to myself who have experienced it. How do I seem to you as to age?

LYSIMACHUS

A subject for Acheron —an antiquated, decrepit old fellow.

DEMIPHO

You see in a wrong light. I am a child, Lysimachus, of seven years old.

LYSIMACHUS

Are you in your senses, to say that you are a child?

DEMIPHO

I’m telling what’s true.

LYSIMACHUS

I’ faith, it has this moment come into my mind what you mean to say;

directly a person is old, no longer has he sense or taste; people say that he has become a child again.

295

DEMIPHO

Why, no; for I’m twice as hearty as ever I was before.

LYSIMACHUS

I’ faith, it’s well that so it is, and I’m glad of it.

DEMIPHO

Aye, and if you did but know; with my eyes, too, I see even better now than I did formerly.

LYSIMACHUS

That’s good.

300

DEMIPHO

Of a thing that’s bad, I’m speaking.

LYSIMACHUS

Then that same is not good.

DEMIPHO

But, if I wished at all, could I venture to disclose something to you?

LYSIMACHUS

Boldly.

DEMIPHO

Give heed, then.

LYSIMACHUS

It shall be carefully done.

DEMIPHO

This day, Lysimachus, I’ve begun to go to school to learn my letters. I know three letters already.

LYSIMACHUS

How? Three letters?

DEMIPHO

(spelling.)

A M O [I am in love].

LYSIMACHUS

What! you, in love, with your hoary head, you most shocking old fellow?

305

DEMIPHO

Whether that is hoary, or whether red, or whether black, I’m in love.

LYSIMACHUS

You’re now playing upon me in this, I fancy, Demipho.

DEMIPHO

Cut my throat, if it’s false, what I’m saying. That you may be sure I’m in love, take a knife, and do you cut off

either my finger, or my ear, or my nose, or my lip: if I move me, or feel that I’m being cut, then, Lysimachus, I give you leave to torture me to death here with being in love.

310

LYSIMACHUS

(aside to the AUDIENCE.)

If ever you’ve seen a lover in a picture, why, there he is (pointing at DEMIPHO): for really, in my way of thinking, an antiquated, decrepit old man

is just about the same as though he were a figure painted upon a wall.

315

DEMIPHO

Now, I suppose, you are thinking of censuring me.

LYSIMACHUS

What, I, censure you?

DEMIPHO

Well, there’s no reason that you should censure me. Other distinguished men have done the like before.

It’s natural to be in love, it’s natural, as well, to be considerate. Then, please, don’t reprove me; no inclination impelled me to this.

319320

LYSIMACHUS

Why, I’m not reproving you.

DEMIPHO

But still, don’t you think any the worse of me for acting thus.

LYSIMACHUS

I, think the worse of you? O, may the Deities forbid it.

DEMIPHO

Still, please, only do take care of that.

LYSIMACHUS

Due care is taken.

DEMIPHO

Quite sure?

LYSIMACHUS

You’re wearing me out.

(Aside.)

This person’s deranged through love. (To DEMIPHO.) Do you desire aught with me?

325

DEMIPHO

Farewell!

LYSIMACHUS

I’m making haste to the harbour; for I’ve got business there.

DEMIPHO

Good luck go with you.

LYSIMACHUS

Heartily fare you well.

DEMIPHO

Kindly fare you well.

(Exit LYSIMACHUS.)

(DEMIPHO continues, to himself.) And what’s more, I too as well have got some business at the harbour; now, therefore, I shall be off thither. But, look! most opportunely I see my son. I’ll wait for the fellow; it’s necessary for me now to see him,

to persuade him, as far as I possibly can, to sell her to me, and not make a present of her to his mother; for I’ve heard that he has brought her as a present for her. But I have need of precaution, that he mayn’t any way imagine that I have set my fancy upon her.