T. Maccius Plautus Menaechmi 2.3

EROTIUM

(speacking to her SERVANTS within.)

Leave the door ajar ¹ thus; begone. I don’t want it shut: prepare, attend, and provide within; what is requisite, let it be done. Lay down the couches, burn the perfumes; neatness,

that is the charm for the minds of lovers. Our agreableness is for the lover’s loss, for our own gain. (To herself.) But where is he whom the Cook said was in front of the house? O, I see him there—one who is of service to me, and who profits me very much. And right willingly is such usage shown to him, as he deserves to be of especial importance in my house.

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Now I’ll accost him; I’ll address him of my own accord. (To MENAECHMUS.) My dear life, it seems wonderful to me that you are standing here out of doors, for whom the door is wide open, more so than your own house, inasmuch as this house is at your service. Everything’s ready as you requested

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and as you desired; nor have you now any delay in-doors. The breakfast, as you ordered, is prepared here; when you please, you may go and take your place.

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MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

To whom is this woman addressing herself?

EROTIUM

Why, I’m talking to yourself.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

What business have I ever had with you, or have I now?

EROTIUM

Troth, inasmuch as Venus has willed that you singly above all I should exalt; and that not without your deserving it. For, by my faith, you alone make me, by your kindnesses, to be thriving.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

For sure this woman is either mad or drunk, Messemo, that addresses me, a person whom she knows not in so familiar a way.

MESSENIO

Didn’t I say that these things are in the habit of occurring here? The leaves are falling now; in comparison with this, if we shall be here for three days, the trees will be tumbling upon you. For to such a degree are all these Courtesans wheedlers out of one’s money. But only let me address her. Harkye, woman, I’m speaking to you.

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EROTIUM

What’s the matter?

MESSENIO

Where have you yourself known this person?

EROTIUM

In that same place where he has known me for this long time,

in Epidamnus .

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MESSENIO

In Epidamnus? A man who, until this day, has never put a foot here inside of this city.

EROTIUM

Heyday! You are making fun, my dear Menaechmus. But, prithee, why not go in? There, it will be more suitable for you.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

I’ faith, this woman really does address me rightly by my name. I wonder very much what’s the meaning of this business.

MESSENIO

(aside.)

That purse that you are carrying has been smelt out by her.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

(aside.)

I’ faith, and rightly have you put me in mind. Take it, then; I’ll know now whether she loves myself or the purse most.

(Gives him the purse.)

EROTIUM

Let’s go in the house to breakfast.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

You invite me kindly; so far, my thanks.

EROTIUM

Why then did you bid me a while since prepare a breakfast for you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

I, bid you prepare?

EROTIUM

Certainly you did, for yourself and your Parasite.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

A plague, what Parasite? Surely this woman isn’t quite right in her senses.

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EROTIUM

Peniculus.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Who is this Peniculus The one with which the shoes are wiped clean ² ?

EROTIUM

Him, I mean, who came with you a while ago, when you brought me the mantle which you purloined from your wife.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

What do you mean? I, gave you a mantle, which I purloined from my wife? Are you in your senses?

Surely this woman dreams standing, after the manner of a gelding ³ .

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EROTIUM

Why does it please you to hold me in ridicule, and to deny to me things that have been done by you?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Tell me what it is that I deny after having done it?

EROTIUM

That you to-day gave me your wife’s mantle.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Even still do I deny it. Indeed, I never had a wife, nor have I one; nor

have I ever set my foot here within the city gate since I was born. I breakfasted on board ship; thence did I come this way, and here I met you.

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EROTIUM

See that now; I’m undone, wretched creature that I am! What ship are you now telling me about?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

A wooden one, weather-beaten full oft, cracked full oft, many a time thumped with mallets. Just as the implements of the furrier ⁴ ; so peg is close to peg.

EROTIUM

Now, prithee, do leave off making fun of me, and step this way with me.

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MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

for, madam, you are looking for some other person, I know not whom, not me.

EROTIUM

Don’t I know you, Menaechmus, the son of your father Moschus, who are said to have been born in Sicily , at Syracuse , where King Agathocles reigned, and after him Pintia ⁵ , the third Liparo, who at his death left the kingdom to Hiero—which Hiero is now king?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

You say, madam, what is not untrue.

MESSENIO

By Jupiter, hasn’t this woman come from there, who knows you so readily?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

(apart.)

Troth, I think she must not be denied.

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MESSENIO

(apart.)

Don’t you do it. You are undone, if you enter inside her threshold.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

(apart.)

But you only hold your tongue The matter goes on well. I shall assent to the woman, whatever she shall say, if I can get some entertainment. Just now, madam (speaking to her in a low voice),

I contradicted you not undesignedly; I was afraid of that fellow, lest he might carry word to my wife about the mantle and the breakfast. Now, when you please, let’s go in-doors.

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EROTIUM

Are you going to wait for the Parasite as well?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

I’m neither going to wait for him, nor do I care a straw for him, nor, if he should come, do I want him to be admitted in-doors.

EROTIUM

By my faith, I shall do that not at all reluctantly. But do you know what I beg you to do?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Only command me what you will.

EROTIUM

For you to take that mantle which you gave me just now to the embroiderer’s ⁶ , that it may be trimmed again, and that some work may be added which I want.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

I’ faith, you say what’s right; in such a way shall it be disguised that my wife shan’t know that you are wearing it, if she should see you in the street.

EROTIUM

Then take it away with you just now, when you go away.

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MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

By all means.

EROTIUM

Let’s go in-doors.

(Goes into her house.)

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

I’ll follow you this instant; I only wish to speak to this person. So, there! Messenio, step to me this way.

MESSENIO

What’s the matter?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Listen.

MESSENIO

What need for it?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

There is need, I know what you’ll say to me—

MESSENIO

So much the worse.

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Hold your tongue I’ve got some spoil; thus much of the business have I begun upon. Go, and, as quick as you can, take away those people ⁷ at once to an inn ⁸ . Then do you take care to come and meet me ⁹ before sunset.

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MESSENIO

Don’t you know that these people are harlots, master?

MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

Hold your tongue, I say, and go you away from here. It will cost me pain, not you, if I do anything here that’s foolish.

This woman is silly and inexperienced. So far as I’ve perceived just now, there’s some spoil for us here.

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(He goes into the house of EROTIUM.)

MESSENIO

I’m undone. Are you going away then? He is certainly ruined; the piratical craft is now leading the boat straight to destruction. But I’m an unreasonable fellow to wish to rule my master; he bought me to obey his orders, not to be his commander.

(To the ATTENDANTS.) Follow me, that, as I’m ordered, I may come in good time to meet my master.

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