T. Maccius Plautus Epidicus 5.2

PERIPHIANES

Hasn’t this fellow quite made a laughing-stock of us two decrepit old people ¹ ?

APAECIDES

Why yes, I’ faith, you’ve really kept me plagued in a shocking fashion.

PERIPHIANES

Now do hold your tongue. Only let me catch the fellow!

APAECIDES

I’ll tell you now, that you may know it. It’s best for you to seek another companion; so much, while I’ve been following you,

has the congested blood, from weariness, come down into the knees of poor me.

670

PERIPHIANES

After how many fashions has this fellow made sport of me and you to-day! besides, how he has disembowelled my silver resources for me!

APAECIDES

Away with him from me; for surely he’s the son of Vulcan in his wrath: wherever he touches, he sets all on fire; if you stand by him, he scorches you with his heat.

(unperceived, from the house.)

EPIDICUS

(to himself.)

More than the twelve Gods, the immortal Gods as many as are in the heavens, are now assistants in my rescue, and are fighting on my side. As to whatever I have offended in, I have aid and assistance at home ² . All my enemies I quite spurn by the heels ³ .

675

PERIPHIANES

(looking about.)

Where in the world shall I look for him?

APAECIDES

So long as you look for him without me, you may look for him even in the middle of the sea, as far as I’m concerned.

EPIDICUS

(coming forward, and addressing PERIPHANES)

Why are you looking for me? Why are you taking this trouble? Why are you worrying him? (Pointing to APAECIDES.) See, here I am. Have I run away from you? Have I betaken myself from the house? Have I hid myself from your sight? I don’t entreat you either. Do you wish to bind me? Look then, I present my hands. (Holding out his hands.) You have got thongs; I saw you purchase them. Why do you delay now? Do bind me!

680

PERIPHIANES

It’s all over ⁴ . He gives bail to me of his own accord for his appearance.

685

EPIDICUS

Why don’t you bind me?

APAECIDES

A wicked slave, upon my faith!

EPIDICUS

Really, Apaecides, I don’t want you to intercede for me.

APAECIDES

You easily obtain your wish, Epidicus.

EPIDICUS

(to PERIPHANES.)

Are you going to do anything?

PERIPHIANES

What, at your pleasure?

EPIDICUS

Troth, at my own, indeed, and not at yours, are these hands to be bound by you to-day.

PERIPHIANES

But I don’t choose; I shan’t bind them.

APAECIDES

(to PERIPHANES.)

He’s preparing to throw a dragnet over you; he’s framing some plan, I know not what.

690

EPIDICUS

You are causing delay to yourself, while I stand unbound; bind them, I tell you, bind them together.

PERIPHIANES

But I choose rather to question you unbound.

EPIDICUS

But you shall know nothing.

PERIPHIANES

(turning to APAECIDES.)

What am I to do?

APAECIDES

What are you to do? Let him be complied with.

EPIDICUS

You are a worthy person, Apaecides.

PERIPHIANES

Hold out your hands then.

EPIDICUS

(holding out his hands.)

They don’t at all object; bind them fast together too.

Don’t be afraid.

695

(PERIPHANES binds his hands.)

I’m submissive.

When the job is done, then pronounce your judgment ⁵ .

PERIPHIANES

There, that is good. ⁶

EPIDICUS

Now then, to the point, with your enquiries of me; ask me what you please.

PERIPHIANES

In the first place, with what assurance did you presume to say that she who was bought the day before yesterday was my daughter?

EPIDICUS

I chose to; on that assurance.

PERIPHIANES

Do you say so? You chose to?

EPIDICUS

I do say so. Even lay me a wager that she is not the daughter—

PERIPHIANES

A woman whom the mother declares she doesn’t know?

700

EPIDICUS

Then, if she isn’t the daughter of her mother, make me a bet about it, my didrachm to your talent ⁷ .

PERIPHIANES

Why, that’s a mere catch. But who is this woman?

EPIDICUS

The mistress of your son, that you may know the whole matter.

PERIPHIANES

Did I not give you the thirty minae for my daughter?

EPIDICUS

I confess that they were given, and that with that money I purchased this Music-girl, your son’s mistress,

instead of your daughter. As to those thirty minae, in fact, I imposed upon you.

705

PERIPHIANES

For what reason did you play a trick upon me about that hired Music-girl?

EPIDICUS

I’ faith, I really did do it, and I think it was rightly done.

PERIPHIANES

In the last place, what has been done with the silver I gave you?

EPIDICUS

I’ll tell you; I gave it to a person neither bad nor yet good ⁸ —your son Stratippocles.

PERIPHIANES

Why did you dare to give it him?

710

EPIDICUS

Because it pleased me.

PERIPHIANES

(stamping.)

Plague on it! what insolence is this?

EPIDICUS

Am I to be bawled at just as if I were a slave?

PERIPHIANES

(ironically.)

As you are a free man, I rejoice.

EPIDICUS

I have deserved to become so.

PERIPHIANES

You—deserved?

EPIDICUS

Go look in-doors; I’ll let you know that this is the truth.

PERIPHIANES

What’s the matter?

EPIDICUS

The thing itself will tell you so at once. Only do go in-doors.

PERIPHIANES

Aye, aye! this is not without its meaning.

Do you keep an eye on him, Apaecides.

(Goes into his house.)

APAECIDES

What’s the meaning of this, Epidicus?

715

EPIDICUS

I’ faith, it’s with the greatest injustice that I’m standing here bound, through whose aid his daughter has been discovered to-day.

APAECIDES

Do you say that you have found his daughter?

EPIDICUS

I have found her, and she is at home. But how hard it is, when, for services done, you reap a harvest of evil.

APAECIDES

What, her whom this day we’ve both been weary with seeking throughout the city?

EPIDICUS

I’m weary with finding, you weary with seeking.

720

(from the house.)

PERIPHIANES

(at the door, to those within.)

Why do you entreat me thus earnestly in his behalf? For I find that he does deserve that I should be pleased to act according to his deserts. (To EPIDICUS.) Hold out your hands, you, that I may unbind them.

EPIDICUS

Don’t you touch them.

PERIPHIANES

But do you present them to me.

EPIDICUS

I don’t choose.

PERIPHIANES

You don’t do right.

EPIDICUS

Upon my faith, I’ll never allow myself to be unbound this day, unless you give me satisfaction.

PERIPHIANES

You ask what’s very fair and very just. Shoes, a tunic, and a cloak I’ll give you.

725

EPIDICUS

What next, after that?

PERIPHIANES

Your freedom.

EPIDICUS

But after that? There’s need for a new-made freed-man to pick a bit ⁹ .

PERIPHIANES

It shall be given; I’ll find you food.

EPIDICUS

On my word, never this day shall you release me, unless you beg my pardon.

PERIPHIANES

I do entreat you, Epidicus, to forgive me, if unawares in fault I’ve done anything wrong.

But by way of return for this matter, be a free man.

730

EPIDICUS

Against my inclination do I grant you this pardon, but I’m compelled by necessity. Unbind them then, if you choose.

(He holds out his hands, which are unbound by PERIPHANES, and they go into his house.)

(coming forward.) This is that man who by his roguery ¹⁰ has gained his freedom. Clap your hands, and fare you well! Stretch your loins, and rise from your seats.