T. Maccius Plautus Bacchides 5.2

1st BACCHIS

Who is it that calls out my name with such a noise and tumult, and is knocking so hard at the door?

1120

NICOBULUS

I and this person here.

(Pointing to PHILOXENUS.)

1st BACCHIS

Pray, what’s the matter now? Who has been driving these sheep ¹ to us?

NICOBULUS

These most shocking hussies call us sheep.

2nd BACCHIS

Their shepherd’s asleep, as they come straying thus from the flock.

1st BACCHIS

But, i’ faith, they are not white; they both look dirty.

2nd BACCHIS

Because they have both been shorn just now.

1125

PHILOXENUS

How they seem to be laughing at us.

NICOBULUS

Let them, just as long as they please.

1st BACCHIS

Don’t you think that these sheep are shorn three times a year?

2nd BACCHIS

I’ faith, to-day one of them has been already shorn twice, that’s sure.

1st BACCHIS

They are old and fleeceless ² , both of them.

2nd BACCHIS

But I think they have been in good plight once.

1st BACCHIS

Prithee, do you see how they are looking with a sheep’s eye at us?

1130

2nd BACCHIS

By my troth, I really do believe they are without any ill design.

PHILOXENUS

This happens to us deservedly, for having come here.

1st BACCHIS

Well, let them be driven in-doors to fold ³ .

2nd BACCHIS

I don’t know what occasion there is for that, as they have neither milk nor wool. Let them stand as they are.

Of whatever value they have been, they are now out of date; all their fruit has fallen off them by this. Don’t you see, how, straying unattended, they are ranging about at liberty? Why, I fancy that they must be dumb with age; they don’t bleat even, though they are absent from the rest of the flock.

1135

They seem both silly and worthless.

1st BACCHIS

Let’s return in-doors, sister.

1140

NICOBULUS

Stay where you are, both of you; these sheep want you.

2nd BACCHIS

Why, surely this is a prodigy; sheep are addressing us with a human voice.

PHILOXENUS

These sheep will return you the heavy and great injury which they owe to you.

1st BACCHIS

If you owe me aught, I forgive it you; keep it to yourself; I’ll never demand it of you. But what is the reason that you are threatening mischief to us?

PHILOXENUS

Because they say that our two lambs are shut up here.

1145

(Pointing to the house.)

NICOBULUS

And besides those lambs, my dog is there concealed that bites ⁴ . If they are not now produced to us and sent out of the house, we shall be furious rams; we shall attack you forthwith.

1st BACCHIS

Sister, I have something to say to you in private.

2nd BACCHIS

How now, prithee?

(They go apart.)

NICOBULUS

Whither are they going?

FIRST BACCHIS

Sister, I give to you that old fellow that’s farthest off, that you may have him cleverly smoothed down; I’ll now attack this other one that’s angry; if we can only entice them here indoors.

1150

2nd BACCHIS

I’ll manage my task with cleverness, although ’tis to caress an old skeleton.

1st BACCHIS

Take care and do your best.

2nd BACCHIS

Be quiet; do you do yours; I’ll manage what I have said.

NICOBULUS

Why are these two women holding a council here in private?

PHILOXENUS

What say you, my good fellow—?

1155

NICOBULUS

What would you with me?

PHILOXENUS

I really am ashamed to tell you a certain thing.

NICOBULUS

What is it that you’re ashamed about?

PHILOXENUS

Still, as you are a person, a friend of mine, I’m determined to entrust you with what I could wish. (Whispers.) I’m good for nought.

NICOBULUS

I’ve known that this long time; but tell me why you’re good for nought?

PHILOXENUS

I’ve been terribly touched with birdlime: troth, my heart is pierced by the goad.

NICOBULUS

I’ faith, ’twere much better if your flanks were goaded, you worthless fellow.

But what is it? Although I suspect that I myself pretty well know already what it is; still, I should even like to hear it from yourself.

1160

PHILOXENUS

Do you see that woman?

(Pointing to the SECOND BACCHIS.)

NICOBULUS

I see her.

PHILOXENUS

She’s not an uncomely person.

NICOBULUS

Troth, but she is decidedly uncomely; and you are a good-for-nothing fellow.

PHILOXENUS

Why more? I’m in love.

NICOBULUS

You, in love?

PHILOXENUS

’Pon honor ⁵ .

NICOBULUS

And do you, you rotten creature, presume to become a lover at your time of life?

PHILOXENUS

Why not?

NICOBULUS

Because it’s a disgrace.

PHILOXENUS

What need of words? I am not vexed with my son, nor yet is it right you should be vexed with yours: if they are in love, they do wisely.

1st BACCHIS

Follow me this way.

(They approach the old men.)

NICOBULUS

See, they are moving at last, these allurers and enticers to disgrace. (To the women.) How now? Do you this instant restore us our sons and my servant, or am I to try rougher means with you?

PHILOXENUS

Won’t you away with you? You surely are not a man, to address a pretty woman so rudely in that fashion.

1st BACCHIS

Most worthy old gentleman, by whatsoever is upon the earth, let me entreat this of you, that you will cease to attack this error with such great vehemence.

1170

NICOBULUS

If you don’t away with you, although you are so handsome, I’ll be doing you some great mischief just now.

1st BACCHIS

I shall endure it; I don’t apprehend that any blow that you can give, will cause me any pain.

NICOBULUS

How smooth of speech she is. O me! I am in alarm.

1st BACCHIS

(aside.)

He’s more calm already.

(Aloud.) Step this way with me in-doors; and there, if you choose, correct your son.

1175

(Takes his arm.)

NICOBULUS

Avaunt from me, abomination!

(Shakes her off.)

1st BACCHIS

Do, my love, let me prevail upon you.

NICOBULUS

You, prevail upon me?

2nd BACCHIS

For sure, I shall prevail, at all events, upon this gentleman.

(Pointing to PHILOXENUS.)

PHILOXENUS

Yes, I beg of you to show me in-doors.

2nd BACCHIS

What a dear man you are.

PHILOXENUS

But do you know on what condition you are to show me in-doors?

2nd BACCHIS

That you are to be with me.

PHILOXENUS

You mention all that I desire.

2nd BACCHIS

NICOBULUS

I have seen wicked men; but not one worse than yourself.

PHILOXENUS

I am as I am.

1st BACCHIS

(to NICOBULUS.)

Step this way in-doors with me, where you may be elegantly received with viands, wine, and unguents.

NICOBULUS

Enough, enough now of your banquets; it matters not to me how I’m received. My son and Chrysalus have choused me out of four hundred Philippeans. If I don’t surely this day put him to the torture, may I never receive as large a sum again.

1st BACCHIS

What, pray, if half the gold is paid you back? Will you go in-doors here with me, and so control your feelings as to forgive them their faults?

1185

PHILOXENUS

He’ll do it.

(Takes his arm.)

NICOBULUS

Certainly not—I won’t—I don’t care—let me alone, now. (Shakes him off.) I had rather punish them both.

PHILOXENUS

Take you care, you good-for-nothing man, that through your own fault you don’t lose even that which the favouring Gods offer you. One half of the gold is offered; take it, and carouse, and enjoy yourself with your partner.

NICOBULUS

What, am I to carouse in that very place where my son is being corrupted?

1190

PHILOXENUS

You must carouse there.

NICOBULUS

Am I to be the witness of it when she is reclining with him at table?

1st BACCHIS

Nay, so far as I’m concerned, i’ faith, I’ll recline at table with your own self.

NICOBULUS

My head does itch so ⁶ . (Aside.) I’m a ruined man—I can scarce deny her.

PHILOXENUS

And has it not before this come into your mind, that if, while you live, you enjoy yourself,

that, i’ faith, is for no very long time; and that, if you lose the present day, it can never return to you after you are dead?

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NICOBULUS

What am I to do?

PHILOXENUS

What are you to do? Do you even ask it?

NICOBULUS

I should like, and yet I’m afraid.

1st BACCHIS

What are you afraid of?

NICOBULUS

Lest I should be exposed before my son and my servant.

1st BACCHIS

Pray now, my honey; such things do happen. He’s your own son; whence do you suppose that he is to have money, except that only which you give him yourself? Let me obtain pardon of you for them both.

NICOBULUS

(aside.)

How she does work her way.

She’s now prevailing on me against that which I was quite resolved upon.

1200

1st BACCHIS

I will love you, and embrace you.

NICOBULUS

Through your doing, and for your sake am I corrupted.

1st BACCHIS

I certainly had rather ’twere for your own than for mine.

NICOBULUS

Come then, however that may be, although it is to my disgrace, I’ll submit; I’ll induce my feelings to do so.

1st BACCHIS

Have I that solemnly promised?

NICOBULUS

What I have once said, I will not alter.

1st BACCHIS

The day wears apace. Come into the house, to take your places at table: your sons are expecting within—

NICOBULUS

How soon, in fact, we may be dead, d’ye mean?

1st BACCHIS

’Tis evening, already; come, follow us.

1205

PHILOXENUS

Lead us in like bondsmen ⁷ .

(They go into the house.)

1st BACCHIS

(to the SPECTATORS.)

Right cleverly are these persons entrapped ⁸ themselves, who for their sons had laid a snare.

(Goes in.)

The COMPANY ⁹ of COMEDIANS

Had not these old men been worthless from their youth upwards, they would not, with their hoary heads, have this day done an action so disgraceful; nor, indeed, should we have represented this, if we had not, before this, seen it happen

that fathers became the rivals of their sons in the houses of procurers. Spectators, we wish you Farewell! and that you will grant us loud applause.

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