MENIPPUS

I ask you, Aeacus, in the name of Pluto, to conduct me round every thing in Hades.

AEACUS

It’s not easy to do it all, Menippus, but I’ll show you the chief things. This is Cerberus, as you know, and on your way in you’ve already seen the ferryman here who brought you over, and the lake and Pyriphlegethon.

MENIPPUS

I know all that and that you are the gate-keeper, and I’ve seen the king and the Furies. But show me the men of old, and particularly the famous ones.

AEACUS

This is Agamemnon, and this Achilles, here is Idomeneus close by, and here Odysseus, then come Ajax, Diomede and the finest of the Greeks.

MENIPPUS

Dear me, Homer, how the central figures of your epics have been cast to the ground and lie unrecognisable and ugly, all so much dust and rubbish, “strengthless heads” ¹ in very truth! But who is this, Aeacus?

AEACUS

Cyrus, and this is Croesus, and the one beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond them Midas, and that one is Xerxes.

MENIPPUS

Then you, you scum, were the terror of Hellas? You bridged the Hellespont, and wanted to sail through the mountains? ² And what a sight Croesus is! And, Aeacus, let me slap the face of Sardanapalus.

AEACUS

Don’t, you’re breaking his skull; it’s as weak as a woman’s.

MENIPPUS

Then at least I’ll have a good spit at him, since he’s as much woman as man.

AEACUS

Would you like me to show you the Philosophers?

MENIPPUS

Oh yes, please.

AEACUS

Here first you have Pythagoras.

MENIPPUS

Good day to you, Euphorbus or Apollo, or whatever name you prefer. ³

PYTHAGORAS

And a bad day to you, Menippus.

MENIPPUS

Don’t you still have your thigh of gold? ⁴

PYTHAGORAS

No; but let me see if there’s anything to eat in your wallet.

MENIPPUS

Beans, my good fellow—something you mustn’t eat.

PYTHAGORAS

Just give me some. Doctrines are different among the dead; I’ve learnt that beans and parents’ heads ⁵ are not the same thing here.

AEACUS

This is Solon, the son of Execestides, and that is Thales, and past them is Pittacus, and the others; they are seven in all, as you see.

MENIPPUS

These are the only happy and cheerful ones, Aeacus. But who is this covered with cinders, like a loaf baked in the ashes, and with such a crop of blisters on his skin?

AEACUS

Empedocles; he came half-boiled from Etna.

MENIPPUS

O brazen-foot ⁶ most excellent, what came over you that you jumped into the crater?

EMPEDOCLES

A fit of mad depression, Menippus.

MENIPPUS

No, but a fit of vanity and pride and a dose of drivelling folly; that was what burnt you to ashes, boots and all—and well you deserved it! But the trick didn’t do you any good; they found out that you were dead. But wherever, Aeacus, is Socrates?

AEACUS

Usually he’s talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.

MENIPPUS

However, I should like to see him, if he’s around.

AEACUS

Do you see the bald one?

MENIPPUS

They’re all bald; that distinguishing feature would apply to them all.

AEACUS

I mean the one with the snub nose.

MENIPPUS

This too they have in common; they’re all snub-nosed.

SOCRATES

Looking for me, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

Yes, I am, Socrates.

SOCRATES

What’s the news in Athens?

MENIPPUS

Many of the young men call themselves Philosophers, and, to judge at least from their garb and gait, are tiptop Philosophers.

SOCRATES

I’ve seen lots of them.

MENIPPUS

But you’ve seen, I imagine, what Aristippus was like when he came to join you, or Plato himself—the one reeking of scent, the other accomplished in flattering Sicilian tyrants.

SOCRATES

And what do they think of me?

MENIPPUS

In these respects at least, you’re a lucky fellow, Socrates. At any rate they all think you were a wonderful man, and knew everything, though—I think I’m right in saying so—you knew nothing.

SOCRATES

That’s what I myself kept telling them, but they thought it was all pretence on my part.

MENIPPUS

But who are these round you?

SOCRATES

Charmides, my good fellow, and Phaedrus and Clinias’ son. ⁷

MENIPPUS

Bravo, Socrates! Still following your own special line here! Still with an eye for beauty!

SOCRATES

What could I find to do more agreeable? But won’t you lie down by us, please?

MENIPPUS

Oh, no; I’m going off to Croesus and Sardanapalus, to stay near them. I expect to have plenty of fun hearing their lamentations.

AEACUS

I’m off now, too, to see that none of the dead gives us the slip and escapes. You’ll see things in full another time, Menippus.

MENIPPUS

Off with you, Aeacus. What I’ve seen is enough.

Terpsion

Now is this fair, Pluto,—that I should die at the age of thirty, and that old Thucritus go on living past ninety?

Pluto

Nothing could be fairer. Thucritus lives and is in no hurry for his neighbours to die; whereas you always had some design against him; you were waiting to step into his shoes.

Terpsion

Well, an old man like that is past getting any enjoyment out of his money; he ought to die, and make room for younger men.

Pluto

This is a novel principle: the man who can no longer derive pleasure from his money is to die!—Fate and Nature have ordered it otherwise.

Terpsion

Then they have ordered it wrongly. There ought to be a proper sequence according to seniority. Things are turned upside down, if an old man is to go on living with only three teeth in his head, half blind, tottering about with a pair of slaves on each side to hold him up, drivelling and rheumy-eyed, having no joy of life, a living tomb, the derision of his juniors,— and young men are to die in the prime of their strength and beauty. ’Tis contrary to nature. At any rate the young men have a right to know when the old are going to die, so that they may not throw away their attentions on them for nothing, as is sometimes the case. The present arrangement is a putting of the cart before the horse.:

Pluto

There is a great deal more sound sense in it than you suppose, Terpsion. Besides, what right have you young fellows got to be prying after other men’s goods, and thrusting yourselves upon your childless elders? You look rather foolish, when you get buried first; it tickles people immensely; the more fervent your prayers for the death of your aged friend, the greater is the general exultation when you precede him. It has become quite a profession lately, this amorous devotion to old men and women,—childless, of course; children destroy the illusion. By the way though, some of the beloved objects see through your dirty motives well enough by now; they have children, but they pretend to hate them, and so have lovers all the same. When their wills come to be read, their faithful bodyguard is not included: nature asserts itself, the children get their rights, and the lovers realize, with gnashings of teeth, that they have been taken in.

Terpsion

Too true! The luxuries that Thucritus has enjoyed at my expense! He always looked as if he were at the point of death. I never went to see him, but he would groan and squeak like a chicken barely out of the shell: I considered that he might step into his coffin at any moment, and heaped gift upon gift, for fear of being outdone in generosity by my rivals; I passed anxious, sleepless nights, reckoning and arranging all; ’twas this, the sleeplessness and the anxiety, that brought me to my death. And he swallows my bait whole, and attends my funeral chuckling.

Pluto

Well done, Thucritus! Long may you live to enjoy your wealth,—and your joke at the youngsters’ expense; many a toady may you send hither before your own time comes!

Terpsion

Now I think of it, it would be a satisfaction if Charoeades were to die before him.

Pluto

Charoeades! My dear Terpsion, Phido, Melanthus,— every one of them will be here before Thucritus,—all victims of this same anxiety!

Terpsion

That is as it should be. Hold on, Thucritus!