20
Menippus And Aeacus
MENIPPUS
I ask you, Aeacus, in the name of Pluto, to conduct me round every thing in Hades.
I ask you, Aeacus, in the name of Pluto, to conduct me round every thing in Hades.
AEACUS
It’s not easy to do it all, Menippus, but I’ll show you the chief things. This is Cerberus, as you know, and on your way in you’ve already seen the ferryman here who brought you over, and the lake and Pyriphlegethon.
It’s not easy to do it all, Menippus, but I’ll show you the chief things. This is Cerberus, as you know, and on your way in you’ve already seen the ferryman here who brought you over, and the lake and Pyriphlegethon.
MENIPPUS
I know all that and that you are the gate-keeper, and I’ve seen the king and the Furies. But show me the men of old, and particularly the famous ones.
I know all that and that you are the gate-keeper, and I’ve seen the king and the Furies. But show me the men of old, and particularly the famous ones.
AEACUS
This is Agamemnon, and this Achilles, here is Idomeneus close by, and here Odysseus, then come Ajax, Diomede and the finest of the Greeks.
This is Agamemnon, and this Achilles, here is Idomeneus close by, and here Odysseus, then come Ajax, Diomede and the finest of the Greeks.
MENIPPUS
Dear me, Homer, how the central figures of your epics have been cast to the ground and lie unrecognisable and ugly, all so much dust and rubbish, “strengthless heads”
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in very truth! But who is this, Aeacus?
Dear me, Homer, how the central figures of your epics have been cast to the ground and lie unrecognisable and ugly, all so much dust and rubbish, “strengthless heads”
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in very truth! But who is this, Aeacus?
AEACUS
Cyrus, and this is Croesus, and the one beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond them Midas, and that one is Xerxes.
Cyrus, and this is Croesus, and the one beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond them Midas, and that one is Xerxes.
MENIPPUS
Then you, you scum, were the terror of Hellas? You bridged the Hellespont, and wanted to sail through the mountains?
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And what a sight Croesus is! And, Aeacus, let me slap the face of Sardanapalus.
Then you, you scum, were the terror of Hellas? You bridged the Hellespont, and wanted to sail through the mountains?
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And what a sight Croesus is! And, Aeacus, let me slap the face of Sardanapalus.
AEACUS
Don’t, you’re breaking his skull; it’s as weak as a woman’s.
Don’t, you’re breaking his skull; it’s as weak as a woman’s.
MENIPPUS
Then at least I’ll have a good spit at him, since he’s as much woman as man.
Then at least I’ll have a good spit at him, since he’s as much woman as man.
AEACUS
Would you like me to show you the Philosophers?
Would you like me to show you the Philosophers?
MENIPPUS
Oh yes, please.
Oh yes, please.
AEACUS
Here first you have Pythagoras.
Here first you have Pythagoras.
MENIPPUS
Good day to you, Euphorbus or Apollo, or whatever name you prefer.
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Good day to you, Euphorbus or Apollo, or whatever name you prefer.
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PYTHAGORAS
And a bad day to you, Menippus.
And a bad day to you, Menippus.
MENIPPUS
Don’t you still have your thigh of gold?
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Don’t you still have your thigh of gold?
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PYTHAGORAS
No; but let me see if there’s anything to eat in your wallet.
No; but let me see if there’s anything to eat in your wallet.
MENIPPUS
Beans, my good fellow—something you mustn’t eat.
Beans, my good fellow—something you mustn’t eat.
PYTHAGORAS
Just give me some. Doctrines are different among the dead; I’ve learnt that beans and parents’ heads
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are not the same thing here.
Just give me some. Doctrines are different among the dead; I’ve learnt that beans and parents’ heads
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are not the same thing here.
AEACUS
This is Solon, the son of Execestides, and that is Thales, and past them is Pittacus, and the others; they are seven in all, as you see.
This is Solon, the son of Execestides, and that is Thales, and past them is Pittacus, and the others; they are seven in all, as you see.
MENIPPUS
These are the only happy and cheerful ones, Aeacus. But who is this covered with cinders, like a loaf baked in the ashes, and with such a crop of blisters on his skin?
These are the only happy and cheerful ones, Aeacus. But who is this covered with cinders, like a loaf baked in the ashes, and with such a crop of blisters on his skin?
AEACUS
Empedocles; he came half-boiled from Etna.
Empedocles; he came half-boiled from Etna.
MENIPPUS
O brazen-foot
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most excellent, what came over you that you jumped into the crater?
O brazen-foot
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most excellent, what came over you that you jumped into the crater?
EMPEDOCLES
A fit of mad depression, Menippus.
A fit of mad depression, Menippus.
MENIPPUS
No, but a fit of vanity and pride and a dose of drivelling folly; that was what burnt you to ashes, boots and all—and well you deserved it! But the trick didn’t do you any good; they found out that you were dead. But wherever, Aeacus, is Socrates?
No, but a fit of vanity and pride and a dose of drivelling folly; that was what burnt you to ashes, boots and all—and well you deserved it! But the trick didn’t do you any good; they found out that you were dead. But wherever, Aeacus, is Socrates?
AEACUS
Usually he’s talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
Usually he’s talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
MENIPPUS
However, I should like to see him, if he’s around.
However, I should like to see him, if he’s around.
AEACUS
Do you see the bald one?
Do you see the bald one?
MENIPPUS
They’re all bald; that distinguishing feature would apply to them all.
They’re all bald; that distinguishing feature would apply to them all.
AEACUS
I mean the one with the snub nose.
I mean the one with the snub nose.
MENIPPUS
This too they have in common; they’re all snub-nosed.
This too they have in common; they’re all snub-nosed.
SOCRATES
Looking for me, Menippus?
Looking for me, Menippus?
MENIPPUS
Yes, I am, Socrates.
Yes, I am, Socrates.
SOCRATES
What’s the news in Athens?
What’s the news in Athens?
MENIPPUS
Many of the young men call themselves Philosophers, and, to judge at least from their garb and gait, are tiptop Philosophers.
Many of the young men call themselves Philosophers, and, to judge at least from their garb and gait, are tiptop Philosophers.
SOCRATES
I’ve seen lots of them.
I’ve seen lots of them.
MENIPPUS
But you’ve seen, I imagine, what Aristippus was like when he came to join you, or Plato himself—the one reeking of scent, the other accomplished in flattering Sicilian tyrants.
But you’ve seen, I imagine, what Aristippus was like when he came to join you, or Plato himself—the one reeking of scent, the other accomplished in flattering Sicilian tyrants.
SOCRATES
And what do they think of me?
And what do they think of me?
MENIPPUS
In these respects at least, you’re a lucky fellow, Socrates. At any rate they all think you were a wonderful man, and knew everything, though—I think I’m right in saying so—you knew nothing.
In these respects at least, you’re a lucky fellow, Socrates. At any rate they all think you were a wonderful man, and knew everything, though—I think I’m right in saying so—you knew nothing.
SOCRATES
That’s what I myself kept telling them, but they thought it was all pretence on my part.
That’s what I myself kept telling them, but they thought it was all pretence on my part.
MENIPPUS
But who are these round you?
But who are these round you?
SOCRATES
Charmides, my good fellow, and Phaedrus and Clinias’ son.
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Charmides, my good fellow, and Phaedrus and Clinias’ son.
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MENIPPUS
Bravo, Socrates! Still following your own special line here! Still with an eye for beauty!
Bravo, Socrates! Still following your own special line here! Still with an eye for beauty!
SOCRATES
What could I find to do more agreeable? But won’t you lie down by us, please?
What could I find to do more agreeable? But won’t you lie down by us, please?
MENIPPUS
Oh, no; I’m going off to Croesus and Sardanapalus, to stay near them. I expect to have plenty of fun hearing their lamentations.
Oh, no; I’m going off to Croesus and Sardanapalus, to stay near them. I expect to have plenty of fun hearing their lamentations.
AEACUS
I’m off now, too, to see that none of the dead gives us the slip and escapes. You’ll see things in full another time, Menippus.
I’m off now, too, to see that none of the dead gives us the slip and escapes. You’ll see things in full another time, Menippus.
MENIPPUS
Off with you, Aeacus. What I’ve seen is enough.
Off with you, Aeacus. What I’ve seen is enough.
Dialogi mortuorum. Lucian of Samosata. Matthew Donald Macleod (Translator). Medford, MA. Perseus 5.0.
Sponsored by Perseus Project, Tufts University.
Funding provided by The National Endowment for the Humanities.