ZENOPHANTUS

Well, Callidemides, how did you die? I used to be a parasite of Dinias, and choked myself to death by eating too much, as you know; for you were there when I died.

CALLIDEMIDES

Yes, I was there, Zenophantus. But my death was a strange one. I think you know Ptoeodorus, the old man?

ZENOPHANTUS

The rich man with no children? I knew you were often with him.

CALLIDEMIDES

I was always most attentive to him, because he promised I would benefit by his death. But since the matter was taking an unconscionable time, and he was living to be older than Tithonus, I found a short cut to the inheritance. I bought poison, and persuaded his butler, next time he asked for wine—he’s a pretty heavy drinker, you know—to have the poison ready in the cup, and give it to him. I promised him his freedom, if he did it.

ZENOPHANTUS

Well, what happened? Your story looks like being a strange one.

CALLIDEMIDES

When we’d come in after our bath, the lad had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me, but somehow he made a mistake, giving me the poison, and Ptoeodorus the harmless cup. A moment later, while he was still drinking, I was lying my full length on the floor, and the wrong man was dead. Why do you find it amusing, Zenophantus? You oughtn’t to laugh at a friend.

ZENOPHANTUS

Well, it was a droll thing to happen. But what did the old man do?

CALLIDEMIDES

At first he was a little put out by the suddenness of it all, but then he understood what had happened, I suppose, and laughed himself to see what his butler had done.

ZENOPHANTUS

But you oughtn’t to have taken that short cut; you’d have been surer of getting him here by the highway, even if he was a little slow in coming.

Menippus

What are you crying out about, Tantalus? standing at the edge and whining like that!

Tantalus

Ah, Menippus, I thirst, I perish!

Menippus

What, not enterprise enough to bend down to it, or scoop up some in your palm?

Tantalus

It is no use bending down; the water shrinks away as soon as it sees me coming. And if I do scoop it up and get it to my mouth, the outside of my lips is hardly moist before it has managed to run through my fingers, and my hand is as dry as ever.

Menippus

A very odd experience, that. But by the way, why do you want to drink? you have no body—the part of you that was liable to hunger and thirst is buried in Lydia somewhere; how can you, the spirit, hunger or thirst any more?

Tantalus

Therein lies my punishment—soul thirsts as if it were body.

Menippus

Well, let that pass, as you say thirst is your punishment. But why do you mind it? are you afraid of dying, for want of drink? I do not know of any second Hades; can you die to this one, and go further?

Tantalus

No, that is quite true. But you see this is part of the sentence: I must long for drink, though I have no need of it.

Menippus

There is no meaning in that. There is a draught you need, though; some neat hellebore is what you want; you are suffering from a converse hydrophobia; you are not afraid of water, but you are of thirst.

Tantalus

I would as lief drink hellebore as anything, if I could but drink.

Menippus

Never fear, ‘Tantalus; neither you nor any other ghost will ever do that; it is impossible, you see; just as well we have not all got a penal thirst like you, with the water running away from us.