MENIPPUS

It’s difficult to tell now, Tiresias, whether you’re blind, as our eyes are all alike—empty, with nothing but sockets. Indeed, you can no longer tell which was Phineus, or which was Lynceus. ¹ But I do know you were a prophet, and the only person to have been both man and woman. I heard that from the poets. So, for heaven’s sake, tell me which life you found more pleasant—when you were a man, or a woman?

TIRESIAS

The woman’s life, Menippus, by a long way. It has fewer worries, and women have the mastery over men, and don’t have to fight in wars, or stand on the battlements, or argue in parliament, or be crossexamined in court.

MENIPPUS

Then you haven’t heard, Tiresias, what Euripides’ Medea ² said about women’s pitiable plight in having an unhappy lot, and having to endure intolerable suffering in childbirth? But tell me, now that I’m reminded of it by Medea’s lines from the play, did you ever have any children, when you were a woman, or did you remain barren and childless in that life?

TIRESIAS

Why do you ask that, Menippus?

MENIPPUS

It’s an easy enough question, Tiresias. Just answer, if it’s not too difficult.

TIRESIAS

I wasn’t barren, but I didn’t have any children.

MENIPPUS

That will suffice; I wanted to know if you had a womb.

TIRESIAS

Of course I did.

MENIPPUS

And in time your womb gradually disappeared, the woman’s place sealed up, your breasts subsided, you grew a male organ and produced a beard? Or was your change from woman to man sudden?

TIRESIAS

I don’t understand the object of your question, but it seems to me you don’t believe things happened like that.

MENIPPUS

Why shouldn’t I disbelieve such a story, Tiresias, rather than accept it like a dolt without examining whether its possible or not?

TIRESIAS

Then you don’t believe any of the other stories either, when you hear of women changing into birds or trees or beasts, as, for example, Aedon, or Daphne, or the daughter of Lycaon? ³

MENIPPUS

If I ever come across them, I’ll learn what they have to say. But when you were a woman, good sir, were you a prophet then too, just as later, or did you learn to be man and prophet at the same time?

TIRESIAS

You see, you know nothing about me, or how I settled a quarrel of the gods, ⁴ and Hera blinded me, and Zeus consoled me in my misfortune with the gift of prophecy.

MENIPPUS

So you still keep to your falsehoods, Tiresias? That’s just like you prophets; you’re habitual liars.

Simylus

So here you are at last, Polystratus; you must be something very like a centenarian.

Polystratus

Ninety-eight.

Simylus

And what sort of a life have you had of it, these thirty years? you were about seventy when I died.

Polystratus

Delightful, though you may find it hard to believe.

Simylus

It ¢s surprising that you could have any joy of your life— old, weak, and childless, moreover.

Polystratus

In the first place, I could do just what I liked; there were still plenty of handsome boys and dainty women; perfumes were sweet, wine kept its bouquet, Sicilian feasts were nothing to mine,

Simylus

This is a change, to be sure; you were very economical in my day.

Polystratus

Ah, but, my simple friend, these good things were presents—came in streams. From dawn my doors were thronged with visitors, and in the day it was a procession of the fairest gifts of earth.

Simylus

Why, you must have seized the crown after my death.

Polystratus

Oh no, it was only that I inspired a number of tender passions,

Simylus

Tender passions, indeed! what, you, an old man with hardly a tooth left in your head!

Polystratus

Certainly; the first of our townsmen were in love with me. Such as you see me, old, bald, blear-eyed, rheumy, they delighted to do me honour; happy was the man on whom my glance rested a moment.

Simylus

Well, then, you had some adventure like Phaon’s, when he rowed Aphrodite across from Chios; your God granted your prayer and made you young and fair and lovely again.

Polystratus

No, no; I was as you see me, and I was the object of all desire.

Simylus

Oh, I give it up.

Polystratus

Why, I should have thought you knew the violent passion for old men who have plenty of money and no children.

Simylus

Ah, now I comprehend your beauty, old fellow; it was the Golden Aphrodite bestowed it.

Polystratus

I assure you, Simylus, I had a good deal of satisfaction out of my lovers; they idolized me, almost. Often I would be coy and shut some of them out. Such rivalries! such jealous emulations!

Simylus

And how did you dispose of your fortune in the end?

Polystratus

I gave each an express promise to make him my heir; he believed, and treated me to more attentions than ever; meanwhile I had another genuine will, which was the one I left, with a message to them all to go hang.

Simylus

Who was the heir by this one? one of your relations, I suppose.

Polystratus

Not likely; it was a handsome young Phrygian I had lately bought.

Simylus

Age?

Polystratus

About twenty.

Simylus

Ah, I can guess his office.

Polystratus

Well, you know, he deserved the inheritance much better than they did; he was a barbarian and a rascal; but by this time he has the best of society at his beck. So he inherited; and now he is one of the aristocracy; his smooth chin and his foreign accent are no bars to his being called nobler than Codrus, handsomer than Nireus, wiser than Odysseus.

Simylus

Well, I don’t mind; let him be Emperor of Greece, if he likes, so long as he keeps the property away from that other crew.