T. Maccius Plautus Truculentus 1.2

ASTAPHIUM

(speaking to the SERVANTS within.)

Listen at the door and guard the house, that no one who comes may go away more loaded than he came, or who has brought empty hands into our house may take them full out of it. (To herself.) I know the ways of people; of such habits are the young men now-a-days.

95

For as soon as ever the jolly companions have arrived at the courtesans’ houses, their plans are formed. When they’ve arrived in-doors, some one of them is incessantly bestowing kisses on his mistress. While they are engaged, the others are pilfering ¹ . But if they see that any one is observing them, they play some trick, by which to amuse the observer with pleasantry and sport. Full oft do they devour that belonging to us just as the sausage-makers ² do.

100

Upon my faith, this is the case, and some of the Spectators (to the AUDIENCE), i’ faith, you know full well that I tell no lie in this. There with them is the struggle and the valour, to carry oft a booty from the plunderers.

105

But we again nicely give a like return to these robbers of us; for they themselves look on, while we are heaping up their property; indeed, of their own accord even do they themselves bring it to us.

107110

DINARCHUS

(apart.)

In those words she’s surely lashing myself; for I’ve been heaping up presents there.

ASTAPHIUM

(in answer to some one who calls from PHRONESIUM’S house.)

I well recollect it. I’ troth, his own self, if he’s at home, I’ll at once bring here with me.

(Runs on.)

DINARCHUS

(calling out.)

Hallo! Astaphium, do stop a moment, before you go away.

115

ASTAPHIUM

Who’s calling me back?

DINARCHUS

You shall know; look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM

Who is it?

DINARCHUS

One who wishes many a blessing to yourselves.

ASTAPHIUM

Give them then, if you wish us to have them.

DINARCHUS

I’ll let you have them. Only do look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM

O dear, you’re teazing wretched me to death, whoever you are.

(Runs on.)

DINARCHUS

Worst of women, stop.

120

ASTAPHIUM

Best of men, go on; you are troublesome. (Turns round.) Is that Dinarchus? Why, it is he.

DINARCHUS

He’s going to your house;

and do you give me your hand (holding out his) in return, and walk together with me.

ASTAPHIUM

I am your servant, and am obedient to your command.

125

(Gives her hand.)

DINARCHUS

Yourself, how are you?

ASTAPHIUM

I’m well, and am holding by the hand one who’s well. Since you’ve arrived from abroad, a dinner must be given ³ .

DINARCHUS

You speak obligingly.

ASTAPHIUM

But, prithee, do let me go whither she ordered me.

(Withdrawing her hand.)

DINARCHUS

(lets go her hand.)

Be off then. But how say you—?

ASTAPHIUM

What do you want?

DINARCHUS

He, that you are on your road to, who is it that you’re going to fetch?

130

ASTAPHIUM

Achiva, the midwife.

DINARCHUS

You are an artful damsel.

ASTAPHIUM

I’m as usual then; that’s my practice. ⁴

DINARCHUS

You deceitful hussy, I’ve caught you detected in a lie.

ASTAPHIUM

How so, pray?

DINARCHUS

Because you said that you were going to bring his own self, and not herself. A woman, then, has been made out of a man. You are an artful one.

ASTAPHIUM

A conjurer!

DINARCHUS

But, pray, tell me, Astaphium who is this person? A new lover?

135

ASTAPHIUM

I think that you are a gentleman too much at his ease.

DINARCHUS

Why now do you think so?

ASTAPHIUM

Because you trouble yourself about things that don’t concern your own clothing and food.

DINARCHUS

It’s yourselves have made me a gentleman at ease.

ASTAPHIUM

Why so?

DINARCHUS

I’ll explain it to you. I’ve lost my property; with my property you’ve robbed me of occupation.

If I had preserved my property, there had been something with which I might have been occupied.

140

ASTAPHIUM

And do you suppose that you can possibly well manage the affairs of state, or those of love, on any other terms without being a gentleman at ease?

DINARCHUS

It was she held a public employment, not I; you misinterpret me. But, against the law, in spite of my tax paid for pasturage ⁵ , she has received other cattle beside myself.

ASTAPHIUM

Most persons who manage their property badly, do the same as you are doing; when they haven’t wherewith to pay the tax, they blame the farmers of the taxes.

145

DINARCHUS

My pasturage contract with you turns out but badly; now in its turn, I wish to have, according to my narrow circumstances, a little bit of arable land here with you.

ASTAPHIUM

Here is no arable, but the field is pasture land. If

you desire some ploughing, you had better go to those ⁶ who are in the habit of ploughing; we hold this public emolument, the right of pasturage; those are farmers of other taxes.

150

DINARCHUS

Full well enough do I know both sides.

ASTAPHIUM

I’ troth, it’s that way you are a gentleman at ease, since you’ve been going wrong both in that direction and in this. But the acquaintance of which do you like the best?

DINARCHUS

You are the more exacting, but they are perjured.

Whatever’s given to them is lost outright, nor with themselves is there any show at all of it; you, if you gain anything, do at least drink and feast it away. In short, they are unprincipled; you are good-for-nothings, and full of airs.

155

ASTAPHIUM

All this abuse which, Dinarchus, you are uttering against us and them, you utter against yourself, both as respects us and them.

DINARCHUS

How’s that?

ASTAPHIUM

I’ll tell the reason;

because he who accuses another of dishonesty, him it behoves to look into himself. You who are so prudent, have got nothing from us; we, who are good-for-nothings, have got all out of you.

160

DINARCHUS

O Astaphium! you were not in the habit of speaking to me in that fashion formerly, but courteously, when I myself possessed that which is now in your possession.

ASTAPHIUM

While he’s alive, you may know a person; when he’s dead, you may keep yourself quiet.

I used to know you when you were alive.

165

DINARCHUS

Do you consider me to be dead?

ASTAPHIUM

Prithee, how can it be plainer? He who formerly was esteemed a first-rate lover, for him to be bringing to his mistress nought but lamentations ⁷ .

DINARCHUS

I’ faith, through your own faults it was done, who in former days were in haste to plunder me. You ought to have done it leisurely, that, unscathed, I might last the longer for you.

ASTAPHIUM

A lover is like an enemy’s fortress.

170

DINARCHUS

On what ground?

ASTAPHIUM

The sooner the lover can be taken by storm, the better it is for the mistress.

DINARCHUS

I confess it; but far different is the friend from the lover. I’ faith, for sure, the oldest friend’s the best one possible for a man.

I’ faith, my lands and tenements are not yet all gone.

ASTAPHIUM

Why then, prithee, are you standing before the door as a stranger and an alien? Do go in-doors. Really you are no stranger; for, upon my faith, not one person this day does she more love in her heart and soul— (aside) if, indeed, you’ve got land and tenements.

175

DINARCHUS

Your tongues and talk are steeped in honey; your doings and dispositions are steeped in gall and sour vinegar.

From your tongues you utter sweet words; you make your lovers of bitter heart if any don’t give you presents.

180

ASTAPHIUM

I’ve not learnt to say what’s false.

DINARCHUS

It was not this liberality of mine that taught you to say what’s false, but those niggardly fellows who are struggling against their appetites.

You are a sly one, and the same artful coaxer that you used to be.

ASTAPHIUM

How ardently longed for

have you returned from abroad! But, prithee, do come, my mistress wants to see you.

185

DINARCHUS

How so, pray?

ASTAPHIUM

You alone of all mankind does she love.

DINARCHUS

(aside.)

Well done, lands and tenements; you have come to my aid in good time. (To ASTAPHIUM.) But how say you, Astaphium—?

ASTAPHIUM

What do you want?

DINARCHUS

Is Phronesium in-doors just now?

ASTAPHIUM

To you at all events she’s in-doors.

DINARCHUS

Is she well?

ASTAPHIUM

Aye, faith, and I do believe she’ll be still better when she sees you.

DINARCHUS

This is our greatest fault: when we’re in love, then we are undone; if that which we wish is told us, when manifestly they are telling lies, in our folly we believe it to be true; verily as though with a tide we fluctuate.

190

ASTAPHIUM

Heyday now—such is not the fact.

DINARCHUS

Do you say that she loves me?

ASTAPHIUM

Aye, you only, alone.

DINARCHUS

I heard that she was brought to bed.

ASTAPHIUM

Oh, prithee, Dinarchus, do hold your tongue.

DIN,

Why so?

ASTAPHIUM

I shudder in my alarm, as often as mention is made of childbirth, with such difficulty has Phronesium survived for you. Prithee, do come in-doors now; do go to see her and wait there a little. She’ll be out just now; for she was at the bath.

195

DINARCHUS

What do you say? She who was never pregnant, how could she be brought to bed? For really, I never, that I am aware of, perceived her to be in a breeding state.

ASTAPHIUM

She concealed it from you and was afraid, lest you should persuade her to have recourse to abortion ⁸ , and so destroy the child.

200

DINARCHUS

Troth then, who’s the father of this child?

ASTAPHIUM

A Babylonian Captain, ⁹ whose arrival she is now expecting.

So much so, indeed, that, according as was reported, they say that he’ll be here just now. I wonder he has not arrived by this.

DINARCHUS

Shall I go in, then?

205

ASTAPHIUM

Why not? As boldly as at home, into your own house; for even still are you now one of us, Dinarchus.

DINARCHUS

How soon are you on your return?

ASTAPHIUM

I’ll be there this instant; it’s close at hand where I was going.

DINARCHUS

But do return directly; meanwhile I’ll wait for you at your house. (He goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.)