T. Maccius Plautus Trinummus 4.2

A SHARPER.

To this day I give the name of The Festival of the Three Pieces (Trinummus); for, on this day, have I let out my services in a cheating scheme for three pieces of money.

I am just arrived from Seleucia, Macedonia, Asia, and Arabia,—places which I never visited either with my eye or with my foot. See now, what business poverty brings upon the man that is wretchedly destitute; inasmuch as I am now obliged, for the sake of three pieces of money, to say that I received these letters from a certain person, about whom I don’t know,

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nor have I ever known, who the man is, nor do I know this for certain, whether he was ever born or not.

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CHARMIDES

(behind.)

Faith, this fellow’s surely of the mushroom genus; he covers himself entirely with his top. ¹ The countenance of the fellow appears to be Illyrian; he comes, too, in that garb.

A SHARPER.

He who hired me, when he had hired me, took me to his house; he told me what he wanted to be done; he taught and showed me beforehand

how I was to do everything. If, then, I should add anything more, my employer will on that account the better forward his plan through me. As he dressed me out, so am I now equipped; his money did that. He himself borrowed my costume, at his own risk, from the theatrical wardrobe ² ; if I shall be able, now, to impose on this man through my garb,

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I will give him occasion clearly to find that I am a very trickster.

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CHARMIDES

(behind.)

The more I look at him, the less does the appearance of the fellow please me. ’Tis a wonder if that fellow there is not either a night-robber ³ or a cutpurse. He is viewing the locality; he is looking around him and surveying the houses; troth, I think he is reconnoitring the spot for him to come and rob bye and bye.

I have a still greater desire to watch what he is about: I’ll give attention to this matter.

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A SHARPER.

This employer of mine pointed out these localities to me; at this house are my devices to be put in practice. I’ll knock at the door.

CHARMIDES

(behind.)

Surely this fellow is making in a straight line for my house; i’ faith, I think I shall have to keep watch this night of my arrival.

A SHARPER.

(knocks at the door of the house of CHARMIDES.)

Open this door!—open it! Hallo, there! who now has the care of this door ⁴ ?

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CHARMIDES

(coming up to him.)

Young man, what do you want? hat is it you wish? Why are you knocking at this door?

A SHARPER.

Eh! old gentleman;

I am inquiring here for a young man named Lesbonicus, where in this quarter he lives —and likewise for another person, with such white hairs on his head as yours;

he that gave me these letters said his name was Callicles.

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CHARMIDES

(aside.)

In fact, this fellow is looking for my own son Lesbonicus and my friend Callicles, to whom I entrusted both my children and my property.

A SHARPER.

Let me know, respected sir ⁵ , if you are acquainted with it, where these persons live.

CHARMIDES

Why are you inquiring for them? Or who are you?—Or whence are you?—Or whence do you cone?

A SHARPER.

I gave the return correctly to the Censor ⁶ , when I was questioned by him—

CHARMIDES

A SHARPER.

You ask a number of things in the same breath; I know not which in especial to inform you upon. If you will ask each thing singly, and in a quiet manner, I’ll both let you know my name, and my business, and my travels.

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CHARMIDES

I’ll do as you desire. Come then; in the first place, tell me your name.

A SHARPER.

You begin by demanding an arduous task.

CHARMIDES

How so?

A SHARPER.

Because, respected sir,

if you were to begin before daylight, i’ faith, to commence at the first part of my name ⁷ , ’twould be the dead of the night before you could get to the end of it.

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CHARMIDES

According to your story, a person should have a long journey’s provision crammed tightly in for your name.

A SHARPER.

I have another name somewhat less,—about the size of a wine-casks ⁸ .

CHARMIDES

What is this name of yours, young man?

A SHARPER.

Hush, that’s my name ⁹ ;

that’s my every-day one.

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CHARMIDES

I’ faith, ’tis a scampish name; just as though ¹⁰ you were to say, Hush, if I were confiding anything to you, and then it is at an end forthwith. (Aside.) This fellow is evidently a sharper. What say you, young man—?

A SHARPER.

What is it now?

CHARMIDES

Speak out; what do these persons owe you whom you are seeking?

A SHARPER.

The father of this young man, Lesbonicus, delivered to me these two letters;

he is a friend of mine.

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CHARMIDES

(aside.)

I have now caught him in the fact; he says that I gave him the letters. I will have some fine sport with the fellow.

A SHARPER.

As I have begun, if you will give attention, I will say on.

CHARMIDES

I’ll give you my attention.

A SHARPER.

He bade me give this letter to his son, Lesbonicus, and this other one, as well, he bade me give to his friend Callicles.

CHARMIDES

(aside.)

Troth, but since he is acting the impostor, I, on the other hand, have an inclination to act the cheat as well. Where was he himself?

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A SHARPER.

He was carrying on his business prosperously.

CHARMIDES

But where?

A SHARPER.

At Seleucia.

CHARMIDES

And did you receive these from himself?

A SHARPER.

With his own hands he himself delivered them into my hands.

CHARMIDES

Of what appearance is this person?

A SHARPER.

He is a person somewhere about half a foot taller than you.

CHARMIDES

(aside.)

This is an odd matter, if in fact I am taller when absent than when present.

Do you know this person?

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A SHARPER.

You are asking me a ridiculous question; together with him I was in the habit of taking my meals.

CHARMIDES

What is his name?

A SHARPER.

One, i’ faith, that belongs to an honorable man.

CHARMIDES

I would like to hear it.

A SHARPER.

Troth, his name (hesitating)—his—his— (Aside.) Woe to unfortunate me.

CHARMIDES

What’s the matter?

A SHARPER.

Unguardedly, I this moment swallowed the name.

CHARMIDES

I like not the man that has his friends shut up within his teeth.

A SHARPER.

And yet this moment ’twas dwelling on the very edge of my lips.

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CHARMIDES

(aside.)

I’ve come to-day in good time before this fellow.

A SHARPER.

(aside.)

To my sorrow I’m caught in the fact.

CHARMIDES

Have you now recollected the name?

A SHARPER.

’Fore Gods and men, i’ faith, I’m ashamed of myself

CHARMIDES

See, now, how well you know this man.

A SHARPER.

As well as my own self. This is in the habit of happening: the thing you are holding in your hand, and seeing with your eyes, that same you are looking for as lost. I’ll recollect it letter by letter. C is the beginning of the name.

CHARMIDES

Is it Callias?

A SHARPER.

No: it isn’t that.

CHARMIDES

Callippus?

A SHARPER.

It isn’t that.

CHARMIDES

Callidemides?

A SHARPER.

It isn’t that.

CHARMIDES

Callinicus?

A SHARPER.

No: it isn’t that.

CHARMIDES

Or is it Callimachus?

A SHARPER.

’Tis in vain you suggest; and, i’ faith, I really don’t care one fillip about it, since I recollect enough myself for my own purpose.

CHARMIDES

But there are many people here of the name of Lesbonicus; unless you tell me the name of his father,

I cannot show you these persons whom you are looking for. What is it like? Perhaps we can find it out by guessing.

920

A SHARPER.

It is something like this: Char—

CHARMIDES

Chares? Or Charicles? Or is it Charmides?

A SHARPER.

Ah! that’s he; may the Deities confound him.

CHARMIDES

I have said to you once before already that it is proper for you rather to speak well of a man that is your friend, than to curse him.

A SHARPER.

Isn’t it the fact ¹¹ that this most worthless fellow has lain perdu between my lips and my teeth?

925

CHARMIDES

Don’t you be cursing an absent friend.

A SHARPER.

Why, then, did this most rascally fellow hide himself away from me?

CHARMIDES

If you had only called him, he would have answered to his name. But where is he himself now?

A SHARPER.

Troth, I left him at Rhadama ¹² , in the isle of Apeland.

CHARMIDES

(aside.) What person is there a greater simpleton than I, who myself am making inquiries where I am?

But it is by no means unimportant to this present purpose. What do you say as—?

930

A SHARPER.

What now?

CHARMIDES

I ask you this. ¹³ What places have you visited?

A SHARPER.

Places exceedingly wonderful in astonishing ways.

CHARMIDES

I should like to hear about them, unless it is inconvenient.

A SHARPER.

Really I quite long to tell you. First of all we were conveyed to Pontus, to the land of Arabia ¹⁴ .

CHARMIDES

How now; is Arabia then in Pontus?

A SHARPER.

It is. Not that Arabia where frankincense is produced,

but where the wormwood grows ¹⁵ , and the wild marjoram which the poultry love.

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CHARMIDES

(aside.)

An extremely ingenious knave this. But the greater simpleton I, to be asking of this fellow from what place I have come back, a thing which I know, and he does not know; except that I have a mind to try how he will get out of it at last. But what say you further? Whither did you go next from thence?

A SHARPER.

If you give me your attention, I will tell you.

To the source of the river which arises out of the heavens, from beneath the throne of Jupiter.

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CHARMIDES

Beneath the throne of Jupiter?

A SHARPER.

Yes: I say so.

CHARMIDES

Out of the heavens?

A SHARPER.

Aye, out of the very middle.

CHARMIDES

How now; and did you ascend even to the heavens?

A SHARPER.

Yes: we were carried in a little skiff ¹⁶ right on, up the river, against the tide.

CHARMIDES

And did you see Jupiter as well?

A SHARPER.

The other Gods said that he had gone to his country-house, to dole out the victuals for his slaves.

Then, after that—

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CHARMIDES

Then after that—I don’t want you to relate anything more.

A SHARPER.

Troth, I’m silent, if it’s troublesome.

CHARMIDES

Why, no decent person ¹⁷ ought to tell it, who has gone from the earth to heaven.

A SHARPER.

I’ll leave you, as I see you wish it. But point me out these persons whom I am looking for, and to whom I must deliver these letters.

CHARMIDES

What say you? If now perchance you were to see Charmides himself, him, I mean, who you say gave you these letters, would you know the man?

950

A SHARPER.

By my troth now, do you take me to be a brute beast, who really am not able to recognise the person with whom I have been spending my life? And would he have been such a fool as to entrust to me a thousand

Philippean pieces, which gold he bade me carry to his son, and to his friend Callicles, to whom he said that he had entrusted his affairs? Would he have entrusted them to me if he had not known me, and I him, very intimately?

955

CHARMIDES

(aside.)

I really have a longing now to swindle this swindler, if I can cozen him out of these thousand Philippean pieces

which he has said that I have given to him. A person, that I know not who he is, and have never beheld him with my eyes before this day, should I be entrusting gold to him? A man, to whom, if his life were at stake, I would not entrust a dump of lead. This fellow must be adroitly dealt with by me. Hallo! Mister Hush, I want three words with you.

960

A SHARPER.

Even three hundred, if you like.

CHARMIDES

Have you that gold which you received from Charmides?

A SHARPER.

Yes, and Philippeans, too, counted out on the table with his own hand, a thousand pieces.

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CHARMIDES

You received it, you mean, from Charmides himself?

A SHARPER.

’Twere a wonder if I had received it of his father, or of his grandfather, who are dead.

CHARMIDES

Then, young man, hand me over this gold.

A SHARPER.

(staring at him.)

What gold am I to give you?

CHARMIDES

That which you have owned you received from me.

A SHARPER.

Received from you?

CHARMIDES

Yes, I say so.

A SHARPER.

Who are you?

970

CHARMIDES

I am Charmides, who gave you the thousand pieces of money.

A SHARPER.

I’ faith, you are not he; and this day, you never shall be he, for this gold, at any rate. Away with you, if you please, you impostor! (Aside.) You are trying to cheat the cheater.

CHARMIDES

I am Charmides.

A SHARPER.

I’ faith, you are so to no purpose, for I carry ¹⁸ no gold. Right cleverly were you down upon me, at the very nick of time.

After I said that I was bringing the gold, that instant you became Charmides. Before I made mention of the gold, you were not he. It won’t do. Just, therefore, in such manner as you Charmidised yourself, do you again un-Charmidise yourself.

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CHARMIDES

Who am I, then, if in fact I am not he who I really am?

A SHARPER.

What matters that to me? So long as you are not he whom I do not choose you to be, you may be who you like, for what I care.

Just now, you were not he who you were, now you are become he who then you were not.

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CHARMIDES

Come, despatch, if you are going to do it.

A SHARPER.

What am I to do?

CHARMIDES

Give me back the gold.

A SHARPER.

You are dreaming, old gentleman.

CHARMIDES

Did you own that Charmides delivered the gold to you?

A SHARPER.

Yes—in writing ¹⁹ .

CHARMIDES

Are you making haste or not, you night-robber, to be off with all speed this very instant from this neighbourhood, before I order you to be soundly cudgelled on the spot?

A SHARPER.

For what reason?

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CHARMIDES

Because I am that self-same Charmides about whom you have been thus lying, and who you said gave the letters to you.

A SHARPER.

How now; prithee, are you really he?

CHARMIDES

I really am he.

A SHARPER.

Say you so, pray? Are you really he himself?

CHARMIDES

I do say so.

A SHARPER.

Are you his own self?

CHARMIDES

His own self, I say. I am Charmides.

A SHARPER.

And are you then his own self?

CHARMIDES

His own very self. Begone hence out of my sight.

A SHARPER.

Since you really have made your appearance here thus late,

you shall be beaten both at my own award ²⁰ and that of the new Aediles.

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CHARMIDES

And are you abusing me as well?

A SHARPER.

Yes; seeing that you have arrived in safety ²¹ , may the Gods confound me, if I care a straw for you, had you perished first. I have received the money for this job; you, I devote to bad luck. But who you are, or who you are not, I care not one jot.

I’ll go and carry word ²² to him who gave me the three pieces, that he may know that he has thrown them away. I’m off. Live with a curse, and fare you ill; may all the Gods confound you, Charmides, for coming from abroad ²³ .

995

(Exit.)

CHARMIDES

Since this fellow has gone, at last a time and opportunity seem to have arrived for speaking out without restraint.

Already does this sting pierce my breast—what business he could have before my house? For these letters summon apprehensions into my heart; those thousand pieces, too—what purpose they were to serve. I’ faith, a bell ²⁴ is never rung for no purpose;

1000

unless some one handles it or moves it, ’tis mute, ’tis dumb. But who is this, that is beginning to run this way along the street? I should like to observe what he is about. I’ll step aside this way.

1005

(He retires aside.)