T. Maccius Plautus Trinummus 2.4

LESBONICUS

’Tis less than fifteen days since you received from Callicles forty minae for this house; is it not as I say, Stasimus?

STASIMUS

When I consider,

I think I remember that it was so.

405

LESBONICUS

What has been done with it?

STASIMUS

It has been eaten and drunk up—spent away in unguents, washed away in baths ¹ . The fishmonger and the baker have carried it off: butchers, too, and cooks, green-grocers, perfumers, and poulterers; ’twas quickly consumed. I’ faith! that money was made away with not less speedily

than if you were to throw a poppy among the ants.

410

LESBONICUS

By my troth, less has been spent on those items than six minae?

STASIMUS

Besides, what have you given to your mistresses?

LESBONICUS

That I am including as well in it.

STASIMUS

Besides, what have I pilfered of it?

LESBONICUS

Aye, that item is a very heavy one.

STASIMUS

That cannot so appear to you, if you make all due deductions ² ,

unless you think that your money is everlasting.

415

(Aside.) Too late and unwisely,—a caution that should have been used before,—after he has devoured his substance, he reckons up the account too late.

LESBONICUS

The account, however, of this money is by no means clear.

STASIMUS

I’ faith, the account is very clear: the money’s gone ³ .

Did you not receive forty minae from Callicles, and did he not receive from you the house in possession?

420

LESBONICUS

Very good.

PHILTO

(aside.)

Troth, I think our neighbour has sold his house ⁴ . When his father shall come from abroad, his place is in the beggar’s gate ⁵ , unless, perchance, he should creep into his son’s stomach ⁶ .

STASIMUS

There were a thousand Olympic drachmae ⁷ paid to the banker ⁸ , which you were owing upon account.

425

LESBONICUS

Those, I suppose, that I was security for ⁹ ?

STASIMUS

Say, rather ¹⁰ , Those that I paid down—for that young man whom you used to say ¹¹ was so rich.

LESBONICUS

It was so done.

STASIMUS

Yes, just to be squandered away.

LESBONICUS

That was done as well.

But I saw him in a pitiable state, and I did have pity on him.

430

STASIMUS

You have pity on others, and you have neither pity nor shame for yourself.

PHILTO

(aside.)

’Tis time to accost him.

LESBONICUS

Is this Philto that is coming here? Troth, ’tis he himself.

STASIMUS

I’ faith, I could wish he was my slave, together with his savings ¹² .

PHILTO

Philto right heartily wishes health to both master and servant, Lesbonicus and Stasimus.

435

LESBONICUS

May the Gods give you, Philto, whatever you may wish for. How is your son?

PHILTO

He wishes well to you.

LESBONICUS

In good sooth, he does for me what I do for him in return!

STASIMUS

(aside.)

That phrase, He wishes well, is worthless, unless a person does well too.

I, too, wish to be a free man; I wish in vain. He, perhaps, might wish to become frugal; he would wish to no purpose.

440

PHILTO

My son has sent me to you to propose an alliance and bond of friendship between himself and your family. He wishes to take your sister for his wife; and I

have the same feelings, and I desire it.

445

LESBONICUS

I really don’t understand your ways; amid your prosperity you are laughing at my adversity.

PHILTO

I am a man ¹³ : you are a man. So may Jupiter love me, I have neither come to laugh at you, nor do I think you deserving of it! But as to what I said, my son begged me

to ask for your sister as his wife.

450

LESBONICUS

It is right that I should know the state of my own circumstances. My position is not on an equal footing with yours; seek some other alliance for yourselves.

STASIMUS

(to LESBONICUS.)

Are you really sound in mind or intellect

to refuse this proposal? For I perceive that he has been found for you a very friend in need ¹⁴ .

455

LESBONICUS

Get away hence, and go hang yourself ¹⁵ .

STASIMUS

Faith, if I should commence to go, you would be forbidding me ¹⁶ .

LESBONICUS

Unless you want me, Philto, for anything else, I have given you my answer.

PHILTO

I trust, Lesbonicus, that you

will one day be more obliging to me than I now find you to be. For both to act ¹⁷ unwisely and to talk unwisely, Lesbonicus, are sometimes neither of them profitable.

460

STASIMUS

Troth, he says what’s true.

LESBONICUS

I will tear out your eye if you add one word.

STASIMUS

Troth, but I will talk;

for if I may not be allowed to do so as I am, then I will submit to be called the one-eyed man ¹⁸ .

465

PHILTO

Do you now say this, that your position and means are not on an equal footing with ours?

LESBONICUS

I do say so.

PHILTO

Well, suppose, now, you were to come to a building to a public banquet, and a wealthy man by chance were to come there as your neighbour ¹⁹ .

The banquet is set on table, one that they style a public one ²⁰ . Suppose that dainties were heaped up before him by his dependents, and suppose any-thing pleased you that was so heaped up before him, would you eat, or would you keep your place next to this wealthy man, going without your dinner?

470

LESBONICUS

I should eat, unless he were to forbid me doing so.

STASIMUS

But I, by my faith, even if he were to forbid me,

would eat and cram with both cheeks stuffed out; and what pleased him, that, in especial, would I lay hold of beforehand; nor would I yield to him one jot of my very existence. At table it befits no one to be bashful; for there the decision ²¹ is about things both divine and human.

475

PHILTO

You say what is the fact.

480

STASIMUS

I will tell you without any subterfuge: I would make place for him on the highway, on the footpath, in the canvass for public honors; but as to what concerns the stomach—by my troth, not this much (shows the breadth of his finger-nail), unless he should first have thrashed me with his fists. With provisions at the present prices, a feast is a fortune without incumbrances ²² .

PHILTO

Always, Lesbonicus, do you take care and think this, that that is the best, according as you yourself are the most deserving: if that you cannot attain to, at least be as near as possible to the most deserving. And now, Lesbonicus, I wish you to grant and accept these terms which I propose, and which I ask of you.

485

The Gods are rich; wealth and station befit the Gods: but we poor mortal beings are, as it were, the salt-cellar ²³ for the salt of life. The moment that we have breathed forth this, the beggar is held of equal value at Acheron ²⁴ with the most wealthy man when dead.

490

STASIMUS

(aside.)

It will be a wonder if you don’t carry your riches there with you. When you are dead, you may, perhaps, be as good as your name imports ²⁵ .

495

PHILTO

Now, that you may understand that position and means have no place here, and that we do not undervalue your alliance; I ask for your sister without a marriage-portion.

May the matter turn out happily. Do I understand her to be promised? Why are you silent?

500

STASIMUS

O immortal Gods, what a proposal!

PHILTO

Why don’t you say, May the Gods prosper it, I agree ²⁶ ?

STASIMUS

(aside.)

Alas! when there was no advantage in the expression, he used to say, I agree; now, when there is advantage in it, he is not able to say so.

LESBONICUS

Since you think me, Philto, worthy of an alliance with you, I return you many thanks. But though this fortune of mine has sadly diminished through my folly, I have, Philto, a piece of land near the city here; that I will give as a portion to my sister: for, after all my follies,

505

that alone, besides my existence, is left me.

510

PHILTO

Really I care nothing at all about a portion.

LESBONICUS

I am determined to give her one.

STASIMUS

(whispers to LESBONICUS.)

And are you ready, master, to sever that nurse from us which is supporting us? Take care how you do it. What are we ourselves to eat in future?

LESBONICUS

(to STASIMUS.)

Once more, will you hold your tongue?

Am I to be rendered accountable to you?

515

STASIMUS

(aside.)

We are evidently done for, unless I devise something or other. Philto, I want you.

(He remeoves to a distance, and beckons to PHILTO.)

PHILTO

If you wish aught, Stasimus.

STASIMUS

Step a little this way.

PHILTO

By all means.

STASIMUS

I tell you this in secrecy, that neither he nor any one else may learn it of you.

PHILTO

Trust me boldly with anything you please.

STASIMUS

By Gods and men I warn you, not to allow that piece of land ever to become yours or your son’s. I’ll tell you my reasons for this matter.

520

PHILTO

Troth, I should like to hear them.

STASIMUS

First of all then, when at any time the ground is being ploughed, in every fifth furrow the oxen die.

PHILTO

Preserve me from it. ²⁷

STASIMUS

The gate of Acheron is in that land of ours.

525

Then the grapes, before they are ripe, hang in a putrid state.

LESBONICUS

(in a low voice.)

He is persuading the man to something, I think. Although he is a rogue, still he is not unfaithful to me.

STASIMUS

Hear the rest. Besides that, when elsewhere the harvest of wheat is most abundant,

there it comes up less by one-fourth than what you have sowed.

530

PHILTO

Ah! bad habits ought to be sown on that spot, if in the sowing they can be killed.

STASIMUS

And never is there any person to whom that piece of land belongs, but that his affairs turn out most unfortunate. Of those to whom it has belonged,

some have gone away in banishment; some are dead outright; some, again, have hanged themselves. See this man, now, to whom it belongs, how he has been brought to a regular backgammoned state ²⁸ .

535

PHILTO

Preserve me from this piece of land.

STASIMUS

Preserve me from it, you would say still more, if you were to hear everything from me. For there every other tree has been blasted with lightning;

the hogs die ²⁹ there most shockingly of inflammation in the throat; the sheep are scabby, as bare of all wool, see, as is this hand of mine. And then, besides, there is not one of the Syrian natives ³⁰ , a race which is the most hardy of men, who could exist there for six months; so surely do all die there of the solstitial fever ³¹ .

540

PHILTO

I believe, Stasimus ³² , that it is so; but the Campanian ³³ race much outdoes that of the Syrians in hardiness. But, really, that piece of land, as I have heard you describe it, is one to which it were proper for all wicked men to be sent for the public good. Just as they tell of the Islands of the Blest,

545

where all meet together who have passed their lives uprightly: on the other hand, it seems proper that all evildoers should be packed off there, since it is a place of such a character.

550

STASIMUS

’Tis a very receptacle of calamity. What need is there of many words? Look for any bad thing whatsoever, there you may find it.

PHILTO

But, i’ faith, you may find it there and elsewhere too.

555

STASIMUS

Please, take care not to say that I told you of this.

PHILTO

You have told it me in perfect secrecy.

STASIMUS

For he, indeed (pointing at LESBONICUS), wishes it to be got rid of from himself, if he can find any one to impose upon ³⁴ about it.

PHILTO

I’ faith, this land shall never become my property.

STASIMUS

Aye, if you keep in your senses.

(Aside.) I’ faith, I have cleverly frightened ³⁵ the old fellow away from this land; for, if my master had parted with it, there is nothing for us to live upon.

560

PHILTO

Lesbonicus, I now return to you.

LESBONICUS

Tell me, if you please, what has he been saying to you?

PHILTO

What do you suppose? He is a man ³⁶ ; he wishes to become a free man, but he has not the money to give.

LESBONICUS

And I wish to be rich, but all in vain.

565

STASIMUS

(aside.)

You might have been, if you had chosen; now, since you have nothing, you cannot be.

LESBONICUS

What are you talking about to yourself, Stasimus?

STASIMUS

About that which you were saying just now: if you had chosen formerly, you might have been rich; now you are wishing too late.

PHILTO

No terms can be come to with me about the marriage-portion;

whatever pleases you, do you transact it yourself with my son. Now, I ask for your sister for my son; and may the matter turn out well. What now? are you still considering?

570

LESBONICUS

What—about that matter? Since you will have it so—may the Gods prosper it—I promise her.

PHILTO

Never, by my troth, was a son

born so ardently longed for by any one, as was that expression I promise her, when born for me.

575

STASIMUS

The Gods will prosper all your plans.

PHILTO

So I wish.

Come this way with me, Lesbonicus, that a day may be agreed on for the nuptials, in the presence of Lysiteles: this agreement we will ratify on that same day.

580

(Exit PHILTO.)

LESBONICUS

Now, Stasimus, go you there (points to the house which he has sold to CALLICLES) to the house of Callicles, to my sister; tell her how this matter has been arranged.

STASIMUS

I will go.

LESBONICUS

And congratulate my sister.

STASIMUS

Very well.

LESBONICUS

Tell Callicles to meet me—

STASIMUS

But rather do you go now—

LESBONICUS

That he may see what is necessary to be done about the portion.

STASIMUS

Do go now.

LESBONICUS

For I have determined not to give her without a portion.

585

STASIMUS

But rather do you go now.

LESBONICUS

And I will never allow it to be a detriment to her by reason of—

STASIMUS

Do be off now.

LESBONICUS

My recklessness—

STASIMUS

Do go now ³⁷ .

LESBONICUS

It seems by no means just, but that, since I have done wrong—

STASIMUS

Do go now.

LESBONICUS

It should be chiefly a detriment to myself.

STASIMUS

Do go now.

LESBONICUS

O my father!

and shall I ever see you again?

590

STASIMUS

Do go now. Go—go now.

LESBONICUS

I am going.

Do you take care of that which I have asked you. I shall be here directly. (Exit LESBONICUS.)

STASIMUS

At length I have prevailed on him to go. In the name of the immortal Gods, i’ faith, ’tis a matter well managed by wrongful means of performance, inasmuch as our piece of land is safe; although even now ’tis still a very doubtful matter what may be the result of this affair.

But, if the land is parted with, ’tis all over ³⁸ with my neck; I must carry a buckler in foreign lands, a helmet too, and my baggage. He will be running away from the city when the nuptials have been celebrated; he will be going hence to extreme and utter ruin, somewhere or other, to serve as a soldier, either to Asia or to Cilicia ³⁹ .

595

I will go there (looking at the door of the house bouight by CALLICLES), where he has ordered me to go, although I detest this house ever since he has driven us out of our abode.

600

(Exit into the house of CHARMIDES.)