GELASIMUS
I do suspect that Famine was my mother; for since I was born I have never been filled with victuals. And no man could better return the favour to his mother, than do I right unwillingly return it to my mother, Famine. For in her womb, for ten months she bore me,
155
whereas I have been carrying her for more than ten years in my stomach. She, too, carried me but a little child, wherefore I judge that she endured the less labour; in my stomach no little Famine do I bear, but of full growth, i’ faith, and extremely heavy.
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The labour-pains arise with me each day, but I’m unable to bring forth my mother, nor know I what to do. I’ve often heard it so said that the elephant is wont
1
to be pregnant ten whole years; for sure this hunger of mine is of its breed.
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For now for many a year has it been clinging to, my inside. Now, if any person wants a droll fellow, I am on sale, with all my equipage: of a filling-up for these chasms am I in search. When little, my father gave me the name of Gelasimus
2
,
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because, even from a tiny child, I was a droll chap. By reason of poverty, in fact, did I acquire this name, because, it was poverty that made me to be a droll; for whenever she reaches a person, she instructs him thoroughly in every art. My father used to say that I was born when provisions were dear;
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for that reason, I do believe, I am now the more sharply set. But on our family such complacence has been bestowed—I am in the habit of refusing no person, if any one asks me out to eat. One form of expression has most unfortunately died away with people, and one, i’ faith, most beseeming and most elegant to my thinking,
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which formerly they employed:
Come here to dinner—do so—really, do promise—don’t make any difficulties—is it convenient?—I wish it to be so, I say; I’ll not part with you unless you come. But now, in the present day, they have found a substitute for these expressions—a saying, by my faith, truly right worthless and most vile:
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I’d invite you to dinner, were I not dining; out myself. I’ faith, I wish the very loins of that phrase broken, that it mayn’t repeat its perjury if he does dine at his own house. These phrases reduce me to learn foreign habits
3
, and to spare the necessity for an auctioneer,
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and so proclaim the auction, and put myself up for sale.
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(Enter CROCOTIUM from the house of PHILUMENA, unseen by GELASIMUS.)
CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
This is the Parasite, whom I’ve been sent to fetch. I’ll listen to what he’s saying, before I accost him.
GELASIMUS
Now there are a good many curious mischief-makers here, who, with extreme zeal, busy themselves with the affairs of other people,
and who have themselves no affairs of their own to busy themselves with. They, when they know that any one is about to have an auction, go forthwith and sift out what’s the reason; whether a debt compels it, or whether he has purchased a farm; or whether, on a divorce, her marriage-portion is to be repaid to his wife
4
.
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All these, although, i’ faith, I don’t judge them undeserving, in their most wretched state, to go toiling on, I don’t care about. I’ll proclaim the reason of my auction, that they may rejoice in my mishaps, for there’s no person a busybody but what he’s ill-natured too. Very great mishaps, alas! have befallen wretched me.
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So dreadfully afflicted has my property
5
rendered me: my many drinking-bouts are dead and gone; how many dinners, too, that I’ve bewailed, are dead! how many a draught of honeyed wine; how many breakfasts, too, that I have lost within these last three years!
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In my wretchedness, for very grief and vexation have I quite grown old. I’m almost dead with hunger.
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CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
There’s no one such a droll, as he is when he is hungry.
GELASIMUS
Now am I resolved that I’ll make a sale: out of doors
6
am I obliged to sell whatever I possess.
Attend, if you please; the bargains will be for those who are present. I’ve funny bon mots
7
to sell. Come, bid your price. Who bids a dinner? Does any one bid a breakfast? They’ll cost vou an Herculean breakfast
8
or dinner. Ho, there!
(to one of the SPECTATORS) did you nod to me? No one will offer you better—
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I won’t allow that any Parasite has better
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quibbles, cajoleries, and parasitical white lies
9
.
an empty Parasite as well
(pointing to himself), in whom to lay by your scraps. ’Tis needful that these should be sold at once for as much as they can; that, if I offer the tenth part. to Hercules
15
, on that account it may be greater
CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
An auction of no great value, by my troth. Hunger has taken hold of the very deepest recess of the fellow’s stomach. I’ll accost the man.
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(Moves towards him.)
GELASIMUS
Who’s this that’s coming towards me? Why, surely this is Crocotium, the maid-servant of Epignomus.
CROCOTIUM
My respects, Gelasimus.
GELASIMUS
That’s not my name.
CROCOTIUM
I’ faith, for sure that used to be your name.
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GELASIMUS
Distinctly it was so, but I’ve lost it by use. Now I’m called Miccotrogus
16
from what is fact.
CROCOTIUM
O dear! I’ve laughed a good deal at you to-day.
GELASIMUS
When? or in what place?
CROCOTIUM
Here, when you were carrying on a most worthless auction.
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GELASIMUS
How now; did you really hear it?
CROCOTIUM
Aye, and one really right worthy of yourself.
GELASIMUS
Where are you bound for now?
CROCOTIUM
For yourself.
GELASIMUS
Why have you come?
CROCOTIUM
Philumena bade me ask you by all means to come to visit her at her house this instant, together with me.
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, but I’ll surely come there as fast as I can. Are the entrails cooked
17
by this? With how many lambs has she been sacrificing?
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CROCOTIUM
Indeed, she hasn’t been sacrificing at all.
GELASIMUS
How? What does she want with me, then?
CROCOTIUM
I think that she’s going to ask you for ten measures of wheat.
GELASIMUS
Or me rather ask it of her?
CROCOTIUM
No; that you yourself should lend them to us.
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GELASIMUS
Tell her that I’ve nothing to give myself, or that she could wish to borrow, nor anything whatever, except this cloak that I have on. Even my very tongue that so freely used to offer itself
18
I’ve sold as well.
CROCOTIUM
How? Have you got no tongue?
GELASIMUS
Why, the former one, that used to say
here, take me
19
, I’ve lost: see, here’s one now that says
give me.
(Puts out his tongue.)
CROCOTIUM
A curse may the Gods give you
GELASIMUS
Aye, if a curse you want, this same tongue will give you that.
CROCOTIUM
Well now, are you coming or not?
GELASIMUS
Well, be off home;
tell her I’ll be there this moment; make haste and be off.
(CROCOTIUM goes into the house.)
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I wonder why she has requested me to be fetched to her, who has never, before this day, requested that I should be fetched to her, ever since her husband left. I wonder what it can be; except it is for some experiment to be made upon me; I’ll go see what she wants.
But see, here’s her boy, Pinacium. Look at that now; how very facetiously and just like a picture
20
does he stand? Full many a time, for sure, in good troth, has he poured out for me the wine, almost unmixed, right cleverly into a very tiny cup
21
indeed.
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(Stands aside.)
Stichus. Plautus. Henry Thomas Riley (Translator). London. 1912.
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