T. Maccius Plautus Pseudolus 1.1

PSEUDOLUS

If, master, by your being silent, I could be informed what miseries are afflicting you so sadly,

I would willingly have spared the trouble of two persons—of myself in asking you, and of yourself in answering me. Since, however, that cannot be, necessity compels me to enquire of you. Answer me: What’s the reason that, out of spirits for these many days past,

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you’ve been carrying a letter about with you, washing it with your tears, and making no person the sharer of your purpose? Speak out, that what I am ignorant of, I may know together with yourself.

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CALIDORUS

I am wretchedly miserable, Pseudolus.

PSEUDOLUS

May Jupiter forbid it!

CALIDORUS

This belongs not at all to the arbitration of Jupiter;

under the sway of Venus ¹ am I harassed, not under that of Jove.

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PSEUDOLUS

Is it allowable for me to know what it is? For hitherto you have had me as chief confidant in your plans.

CALIDORUS

The same is now my intention.

PSEUDOLUS

Let me know then what’s the matter with you. I’ll aid you either with resources, or with my efforts, or with good counsel.

CALIDORUS

Do you take this letter: do you thence inform yourself what misery and what care are wasting me away.

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PSEUDOLUS

(taking the letter.)

Compliance shall be given you. But, prithee, how’s this?

CALIDORUS

What’s the matter?

PSEUDOLUS

As I think, these letters are very loving; they are climbing on each other’s backs.

CALIDORUS

Are you making sport of me with your foolery?

PSEUDOLUS

I’ faith, I really do believe that unless the Sibyl ² can read them, nobody else can possibly interpret them.

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CALIDORUS

Why speak you unkindly of those sweet letters— sweet tablets too, written upon by a hand as sweet.

PSEUDOLUS

Troth now, have hens, prithee, such hands?

For certainly a hen has written these letters.

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CALIDORUS

You are annoying me. Either read it or return the letter.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well then, I’ll read it through. Give me your attention.

CALIDORUS

That’s not here.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you summon it then.

CALIDORUS

Well, I’ll be silent; do you summon it from that wax there ³ ; for there my attention is at present, not in my breast.

PSEUDOLUS

I see your mistress, Calidorus.

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CALIDORUS

Where is she, prithee?

PSEUDOLUS

See, here she is at full length in the letter; she’s lying upon the wax.

CALIDORUS

Now, may the Gods and Goddesses, inasmuch— ⁴

PSEUDOLUS

Preserve me from harm, to wit.

CALIDORUS

For a short season have I been like a summer plant ⁵ ; suddenly have I sprung up, suddenly have I withered.

PSEUDOLUS

Be silent, while I read the letter through.

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CALIDORUS

Why don’t you read it then?

PSEUDOLUS

(reading.)

Phœnicium to her lover, Calidorus, by means of wax and string and letters, her exponents, sends health, and safety does she beg ⁶ of you, weeping, and with palpitating feelings, heart, and breast.

CALIDORUS

I’m undone; I nowhere find, Pseudolus, this safety for me to send her back.

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PSEUDOLUS

What safety?

CALIDORUS

A silver one.

PSEUDOLUS

And do you wish to send her back a silver safety for one on wood ⁷ ? Consider what you’re about.

CALIDORUS

Read on now; I’ll soon cause you to know from the letter

how suddenly there’s need for me for one of silver to be found.

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PSEUDOLUS

(reading on.)

The procurer has sold me, my love, for twenty minae, to a Macedonian officer from abroad. Before he departed hence, the Captain paid him fifteen minae; only five minae now are remaining unpaid.

On that account the Captain left here a token—his own likeness impressed on wax by his ring—that he who should bring hither a token like to that, together with him the procurer might send me. The next day hence, on the Festival of Bacchus ⁸ , is the one fixed for this matter.

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CALIDORUS

Well, that’s to-morrow;

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my ruin is near at hand, unless I have some help in you.

PSEUDOLUS

Let me read it through.

CALIDORUS

I permit you; for I seem to myself to be talking to her. Read on; the sweet and the hitter are you now mingling together for me.

PSEUDOLUS

(reading on.)

Now our loves, our tenderness, our intimacy,

our mirth, our dalliance, our talking, our sweet kisses, the close embrace of us lovers equally fond, the soft, dear kisses impressed on our tender lips, the delicious pressing of the swelling bosom; of all these delights, I say, for me and for you as well,

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the severance, the destruction, and the downfal is at hand, unless there is some rescue for me in you or for you in me. I have taken care that you should know all these things that I have written; now shall I make trial how far you love me, and how far you pretend to do so.

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CALIDORUS

’Tis written, Pseudolus, in wretchedness.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas! very wretchedly ⁹ .

CALIDORUS

Why don’t you weep, then?

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PSEUDOLUS

I’ve eyes of pumice stone ¹⁰ ; I can’t prevail upon them to squeeze out one tear even.

CALIDORUS

Why so?

PSEUDOLUS

My family was always a dryeyed one.

CALIDORUS

Won’t you attempt to assist me at all?

PSEUDOLUS

What shall I do for you?

CALIDORUS

Alas!

PSEUDOLUS

Alas! do you say? Well, don’t be sparing of them, i’ faith; I’ll give you plenty.

CALIDORUS

I’m distracted. I nowhere can find any money to borrow.

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PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

Nor is there a single coin in the house.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

He’s going to carry the damsel away to-morrow.

PSEUDOLUS

Alas!

CALIDORUS

Is it in that fashion that you help me?

PSEUDOLUS

I give you that which I have; for I’ve a perpetual supply of those treasures ¹¹ in my house.

CALIDORUS

It’s all over with me this very day. But can you now lend me one drachma, which I’ll pay you back to-morrow

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PSEUDOLUS

I’ faith, I hardly think I could, even though I should pawn myself for it. But what do you want to do with this drachma?

CALIDORUS

I want to purchase a halter for myself.

PSEUDOLUS

For what reason?

CALIDORUS

With which to hang myself.

I’m determined, ere ’tis dark, to take ¹² a leap in the dark.

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PSEUDOLUS

Who then shall pay me back my drachma * * * * ? Do you wish purposely to hang yourself for the very reason, that you may cheat mo out of my drachma if I lend it you?

CALIDORUS

At all events, I can in nowise survive

if she’s removed and carried off from me.

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PSEUDOLUS

Why do you weep, you cuckoo ¹³ ? You shall survive.

CALIDORUS

Why should I not weep, who have neither a coin of silver in ready money, nor have the hope of a groat ¹⁴ anywhere in the world?

PSEUDOLUS

As I understand the tenor of this letter,

unless you weep for her with tears of silver, the affection which you wish yourself by those tears to prove is of no more value than if you were to pour water into a sieve. But have no fear, I’ll not forsake you in your love. In troth, I do trust that this day, from some quarter or other, by my good aid

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I shall find you help in the money line. But whence that is to come,—that whence I know not how to pronounce; except only that so it shall be; my eyebrow twitches ¹⁵ to that effect.

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CALIDORUS

As to what you say, I trust that your deeds may be as good as your words.

PSEUDOLUS

I’ faith, you surely know, if I set my plans a-going ¹⁶ ,

after what fashion and how great is the bustle that I am in the habit of causing.

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CALIDORUS

In you are now centred all the hopes of my existence.

PSEUDOLUS

Is it enough, if I this day make this damsel to be yours, or if I find you twenty minae?

CALIDORUS

’Tis enough, if so it is to be.

PSEUDOLUS

Ask of me twenty minae,

that you may be assured that I’ll procure for you that which I have promised. Ask them of me, by my troth, prithee do; I long to make the promise.

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CALIDORUS

Will you this day find me twenty minae of silver?

PSEUDOLUS

I will find them; be no more troublesome to me then. And this I tell you first, that you mayn’t deny that it was told you;

if I can no one else, I’ll diddle your father out of the money.

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CALIDORUS

So far as filial affection is concerned, even my mother as well. May the Gods always preserve you for me. But what if you are not able?

PSEUDOLUS

Upon that matter do you go to sleep with either eye.

CALIDORUS

With the eye or with the ear ¹⁷ ?

PSEUDOLUS

The latter is too common an expression.

Now, that no one may affirm that it wasn’t told him, I tell you all (to the AUDIENCE), in the presence of the youths in this audience, and of all the people, to all my friends and all my acquaintances I give notice, that for this day they must guard against me, and not trust me.

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CALIDORUS

Hist! be silent, prithee, by all the powers!

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PSEUDOLUS

What’s the matter?

CALIDORUS

There was a noise at the procurer’s door.

PSEUDOLUS

I could only wish it were his legs in preference.

CALIDORUS

Yes, and he himself is coming out from in-doors, the perjured scoundrel.

(They stand at a distance.)