T. Maccius Plautus Pseudolus 1.3

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, don’t you hear what he says?

230

PSEUDOLUS

I hear it, master, and I give good heed.

CALIDORUS

What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn’t devote my mistress to dishonor?

PSEUDOLUS

Don’t you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I’ll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I’ve been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I’ll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.

CALIDORUS

What’s the plan?

235

PSEUDOLUS

Can’t you attend to something else?

CALIDORUS

But—

PSEUDOLUS

Tut.

CALIDORUS

I’m distracted.

PSEUDOLUS

Harden your heart.

CALIDORUS

I cannot.

PSEUDOLUS

Make yourself to can.

CALIDORUS

By what means, pray, can I prevail upon my feelings?

PSEUDOLUS

Carry you out that which is to your advantage, rather than give heed with your feelings to the thing that’s disadvantageous.

CALIDORUS

That’s nonsense; there is no pleasure, unless a lover acts like a fool.

PSEUDOLUS

Do you persist?

CALIDORUS

O my dear Pseudolus, let me be undone—do let me, please.

PSEUDOLUS

I’ll let you; only let me go.

(Going.)

CALIDORUS

Stay, stay. As you shall, then, wish me to be, so will I be.

240

PSEUDOLUS

Now, at last, you are in your senses.

BALLIO

(coming forward from the door of his house to the other side of the stage.)

The day is passing; I’m causing delay to myself. Boy, do you go before me.

(Moves as if going.)

CALIDORUS

Hallo there! he’s going; why don’t you call him back?

PSEUDOLUS

Why in such a hurry? Gently.

CALIDORUS

But before he’s gone.

BALLIO

Why the plague do you go so slowly, boy?

PSEUDOLUS

You born on this day, hallo! you born on this day; I’m calling to you; hallo! you born on this day, come you back and look at us. Although you are busy,

we want you; stop—it’s because some persons want to speak to you.

245

BALLIO

What’s this? Who is it, when I’m busy, causes me unseasonable delay?

PSEUDOLUS

He that has been your supporter.

BALLIO

He’s dead that has been; only he that is, is now alive.

PSEUDOLUS

You are too saucy.

BALLIO

You are too troublesome.

(Turns away to go on.)

CALIDORUS

Seize the fellow: follow him up.

BALLIO

Go on, boy.

PSEUDOLUS

Let’s go and meet him this way.

250

(They run and stand before him.)

BALLIO

May Jupiter confound you, whoever you are.

PSEUDOLUS

That for yourself I wish.

BALLIO

And for both of you do I. Turn you this way, boy.

(Takes another direction.)

PSEUDOLUS

May we not speak with you?

BALLIO

Why, it doesn’t please me.

PSEUDOLUS

But if it’s something to your advantage?

BALLIO

Am I allowed to go away, pray, or am I not?

PSEUDOLUS

Pshaw!

Stop.

255

(Catches hold of him.)

BALLIO

Let me go.

CALIDORUS

Ballio, listen.

BALLIO

I’m deaf.

CALIDORUS

¹ Really, you are uncivil.

BALLIO

You are a chatterer of nonsense. ²

CALIDORUS

I gave you money so long as I had it.

BALLIO

I’m not asking what you gave.

CALIDORUS

I’ll give you some when I have it.

BALLIO

When you have it, bring it to me ³ .

CALIDORUS

Alas, alas! In what a foolish fashion have I lavished what I brought to you, and what I gave you.

BALLIO

Your wealth defunct,

you now are talking about it; you are a simpleton, a cause that has been tried you are trying over again.

260

PSEUDOLUS

At least consider him, who he is.

BALLIO

I’ve known for a long time now who he was; who he now is, let him know himself. Do you walk on (to the BOY).

PSEUDOLUS

And can’t you, Ballio, only once give a look this way for your own profit?

BALLIO

At that price I’ll give a look; for if I were sacrificing to supreme Jupiter, and were presenting ⁴ the entrails in my hands to lay them on the altar, if in the meanwhile anything in the way of profit were offered, I should in preference forsake the sacrifice. There’s no being able to resist that sort of piety, however other things go.

265

PSEUDOLUS

(aside.)

The very Gods, whom it is especially our duty to reverence—them he esteems of little value.

BALLIO

I’ll speak to him. Hail to you, right heartily, the very vilest slave in Athens.

270

PSEUDOLUS

May the Gods and Goddesses favour you, Ballio, both at his wish and at my own; or, if you are deserving of other terms, let them neither favour nor bless you.

BALLIO

What’s the matter, Calidorus?

CALIDORUS

Love and pinching want ⁵ are the matter.

BALLIO

I would pity you, if, upon pity I could support my establishment.

PSEUDOLUS

Aye, aye, we know you quite well, what sort of character you are; don’t be proclaiming it. But do you know what we want?

275

BALLIO

I’ faith, I know it pretty nearly; that there may be something unfortunate for me.

PSEUDOLUS

Both to that and this for which we called you back, prithee do give your attention.

BALLIO

I am attending; but compress into a few words what you want, as I’m busy now.

PSEUDOLUS

He (pointing to CALIDORUS) is quite ashamed about what he promised you, and the day for which he promised it,

that he hasn’t even yet paid you those twenty minae for his mistress.

280

BALLIO

That which we are ashamed at is much more easily endured than that which we are vexed at. At not having paid the money, he is ashamed; I, because I have not received it, am vexed.

PSEUDOLUS

Still, he’ll pay it, he’ll procure it; do you only wait some days to come. But he has been afraid of this, that you’ll sell her on account of his embarrassment.

BALLIO

He had an opportunity, had he wished, of paying the money long ago.

285

CALIDORUS

What if I had it not?

BALLIO

If you had been in love, you would have found it on loan. You would have gone to the usurer ⁶ ; you would have paid the interest; or else you would have pilfered it from your father.

PSEUDOLUS

Ought he to have pilfered it from his father, you most shameless villain? There is no fear that you’ll point out to him anything that’s right.

BALLIO

That’s not like a procurer.

CALIDORUS

And could I possibly pilfer anything from my father, an old man so much on his guard? And besides, if I could do so, filial affection forbids.

290

BALLIO

I understand you; do you then at night embrace filial affection in place of Phœnicium. But since I see you prefer your filial affection to your love—are all men your fathers? Is there no one for you to ask

to lend you some money?

295

CALIDORUS

Why, the very name of lending’s dead and gone by this.

PSEUDOLUS

Look you now; since, i’ faith ⁷ , those fellows arose from the banker’s table, with a filled skin, who, when they called in their own, paid what they had borrowed to no born creature, since then, I say, all people have been more cautious not to trust another.

CALIDORUS

Most wretched am I; nowhere am I able to find a coin of silver;

so distractedly am I perishing both through love and want of money.

300

BALLIO

Buy oil on credit ⁸ , and sell it for ready money; then, i’ faith, even two hundred minae ready money might be raised.

CALIDORUS

There I’m done; the twenty-five year old law ⁹ founders me. All are afraid to trust me.

BALLIO

The same law ¹⁰ have I. I’m afraid to trust you.

PSEUDOLUS

To trust him, indeed! How now, do you repent of the great profit he has been to you?

305

BALLIO

No lover is a profitable one, except him who keeps continually making presents. Either let him be always giving, or when he has nothing, let him at the same time cease to be in love.

CALIDORUS

And don’t you pity me at all?

BALLIO

You come empty-handed; words don’t chink. But I wish you life and health.

PSEUDOLUS

Heyday! Is he dead already?

BALLIO

However he is, to me indeed, at all events, with these speeches, he is dead. Then, does a lover really live, when he comes begging to a procurer? Do you always come to me with a complaint that brings ¹¹ its money. As for that, which you are now lamenting about, that you have got no money, complain of it to your stepmother ¹² .

310

PSEUDOLUS

Why, have you ever been married to his father, pray?

BALLIO

May the Gods grant better things.

315

PSEUDOLUS

Do what we ask you, Ballio, on my credit, if you are afraid to trust him. Within the next three days, from some quarter, in some way, either by land or sea, I’ll rout up this money for you.

BALLIO

I, trust you?

PSEUDOLUS

Why not?

BALLIO

Because, i’ faith, on the same principle that I trust you, on that principle I should tie a run-away dog to a lamb’s fry.

CALIDORUS

Is the obligation thus ungratefully returned by you to me, who have deserved so well of you?

320

BALLIO

What do you want now?

CALIDORUS

That you will only wait these six days of the Feast, and will not sell her or prove the death of the person who loves her.

BALLIO

Be of good courage; I’ll wait six months even.

CALIDORUS

Capital—most delightful man!

BALLIO

Aye; and do you wish, too, that from joyful I should make you even more joyous?

CALIDORUS

How so?

325

BALLIO

Why, because I’ve got no Phœnicium to sell.

CALIDORUS

Not got her?

BALLIO

I’ faith, not I, indeed.

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, go fetch the sacrifice, the victims, the sacrificers ¹³ , that I may make offering to this supreme Jove. For this Jupiter is now much more mighty to me than is Jupiter himself.

BALLIO

I want no victims; with the entrails of minae ¹⁴ I wish to be appeased.

CALIDORUS

(to PSEUDOLUS.)

Make haste. Why do you hesitate? Go fetch the lambs; do you hear what Jupiter says?

330

PSEUDOLUS

I’ll be here this moment; but first I must run as far as beyond the gate ¹⁵ .

CALIDORUS

Why thither?

PSEUDOLUS

I’ll fetch two sacrificers thence, with their bells; at the same time I’ll fetch thence two bundles of elm twigs, that this day a sufficiency may be provided for the sacrifice to this Jove.

BALLIO

Away to utter perdition ¹⁶ .

335

PSEUDOLUS

Thither shall the pimping Jupiter go.

BALLIO

It isn’t for your interest that I should die.

PSEUDOLUS

How so?

BALLIO

This way; because, if I’m dead, there will be no one worse than yourself in Athens. For your interest (to CALIDORUS) it is that I should die.

CALIDORUS

How so?

BALLIO

I’ll tell you; because, i’ faith, so long as I shall be alive, you’ll never be a man well to do.

CALIDORUS

Troth now, prithee, in serious truth, tell me this that I ask you—have you not got my mistress, Phœnicium, on sale?

340

BALLIO

By my faith, I really have not; for I’ve now sold her already.

CALIDORUS

In what way?

BALLIO

Without her trappings, with all her inwards ¹⁷ .

CALIDORUS

What? Have you sold my mistress?

BALLIO

Decidedly; for twenty minae.

CALIDORUS

For twenty minae?

345

BALLIO

Or, in other words, for four times five minae, whichever you please, to a Macedonian Captain; and I’ve already got fifteen of the minae at home.

CALIDORUS

What is it that I hear of you?

BALLIO

That your mistress has been turned into money.

CALIDORUS

Why did you dare to do so?

BALLIO

’Twas my pleasure; she was my own.

CALIDORUS

Hallo! Pseudolus. Run, fetch me a sword.

PSEUDOLUS

What need is there of a sword?

CALIDORUS

With which to kill this fellow this instant, and then myself.

PSEUDOLUS

But why not kill yourself only rather? For famine will soon be killing him.

350

CALIDORUS

What do you say, most perjured of men as many as are living upon the earth? Did you not take an oath that you would sell her to no person besides myself?

BALLIO

I confess it.

CALIDORUS

In solemn form ¹⁸ , to wit.

BALLIO

Aye, and well considered too.

CALIDORUS

You have proved perjured, you villain.

BALLIO

I sacked the money at home, however.

Villain as I am, I am now able to draw upon a stock of silver in my house; whereas you who are so dutiful, and born of that grand family, haven’t a single coin.

355

CALIDORUS

Pseudolus, stand by him on the other side and load this fellow with imprecations.

PSEUDOLUS

Very well. Never would I run to the Praetor ¹⁹ with equal speed that I might be made free.

(Stands on the other side of BALLIO.)

CALIDORUS

Heap on him a multitude of curses.

PSEUDOLUS

Now will I publish you with my rebukes.

Thou lackshame!

360

BALLIO

’Tis the fact.

PSEUDOLUS

Villain!

BALLIO

You say the truth.

PSEUDOLUS

Whipping-post!

BALLIO

Why not?

PSEUDOLUS

Robber of tombs!

BALLIO

No doubt.

PSEUDOLUS

Gallows-bird!

BALLIO

Very well done.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheater of your friends!

BALLIO

That’s in my way.

PSEUDOLUS

Parricide!

BALLIO

Proceed, you.

CALIDORUS

Committer of sacrilege!

BALLIO

I own it.

CALIDORUS

Perjurer!

BALLIO

You’re telling nothing new ²⁰ .

CALIDORUS

Lawbreaker!

BALLIO

Very much so.

PSEUDOLUS

Pest of youth!

BALLIO

Most severely said.

CALIDORUS

Thief!

365

BALLIO

Oh! wonderful!

PSEUDOLUS

Vagabond!

BALLIO

Pooh! pooh ²¹ !

CALIDORUS

Defrauder of the public!

BALLIO

Most decidedly so.

PSEUDOLUS

Cheating scoundrel!

CALIDORUS

Filthy

pander!

PSEUDOLUS

Lump of filth!

BALLIO

A capital chorus.

CALIDORUS

You beat your father and mother.

BALLIO

Aye, and killed them, too, rather than find them food; did I do wrong at all?

PSEUDOLUS

We are pouring our words into a pierced cask ²² : we are losing our pains.

BALLIO

Would you like to call me anything else besides?

370

CALIDORUS

Is there anything that shames you?

BALLIO

Yes; that you have been found to be a lover as empty as a rotten nut. But although you have used towards me expressions many and harsh, unless the Captain shall bring me this day the five minae that he owes me, as this was the last day appointed for the payment of that money,

if he doesn’t bring it, I think that I am able to do my duty.

375

CALIDORUS

What is that duty?

BALLIO

If you bring the money, I’ll break faith with him; that’s my duty. If it were more worth my while, I would talk further with you. But, without a coin of money, ’tis in vain that you request me to have pity upon you. Such is my determination; but do you, from this, consider what you have henceforth to do?

(Moves.)

CALIDORUS

Are you going then?

380

BALLIO

At present I am full of business.

(Exit.)

PSEUDOLUS

Before long you’ll be more so. That man is my own, unless all Gods and men forsake me. I’ll bone him just in the same fashion that a cook does a lamprey ²³ . Now, Calidorus, I wish you to give me your attention.

CALIDORUS

What do you bid me do?

PSEUDOLUS

I wish to lay siege to this town, that this day it may be taken.

For that purpose, I have need of an artful, clever, knowing, and crafty fellow, who may despatch out of hand what he is ordered, not one to go to sleep upon his watch.

385

CALIDORUS

Tell me, then, what you are going to do?

PSEUDOLUS

In good time I’ll let you know. I don’t care for it to be repeated twice; stories are made too long that way.

CALIDORUS

You plead what’s very fair and very just.

PSEUDOLUS

Make haste; bring the fellow hither quickly.

CALIDORUS

Out of many, there are but few friends that are to be depended upon by a person.

390

PSEUDOLUS

I know that; therefore, get for yourself now a choice of both, and seek out of these many one that can be depended upon.

CALIDORUS

I’ll have him here this instant.

PSEUDOLUS

Can’t you be off then? You create delay for yourself by your talking.

(Exit CALIDORUS.)