T. Maccius Plautus Persa 5.2

DORDALUS

(to himself.)

Those who are, and those who shall be, and those who have been, and those who are to be hereafter, all of them I singly by far surpass, in being the most wretched of men alive.

I’m undone, ruined quite! This day has shone upon me the most unfortunate of days; that ruiner Toxilus has so outmanœuvred me, and has so laid waste my property! A whole cartload of silver, to my misfortune, have I upset, and lost, and have not that for which I did upset it. May all the Deities utterly confound that Persian, and all Persians, and all persons besides! in such a way has Toxilus, the wretch, conjured this up against me.

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Because I didn’t trust him for the money, for that reason has he contrived this plan against me,—a fellow, that, by my faith, if I only live, I’ll bring to torture and the fetters; if, indeed, his master ever returns here, as I trust he will. (Catching sight of the REVELLERS.) But what is it I see? Do look at that. What play is this? By my troth, they’re carousing here surely. I’ll accost them. (He goes up to them.) O worthy sir (to TOXILUS.) my greetings to you—you, too (to LEMNISELENE.) my worthy freed-woman.

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TOXILUS

Why surely this is Dordalus.

SAGARISTIO

Invite him, then, to come.

TOXILUS

(to DORDALUS.)

Come here, if you like.

(Aside.) Come, let’s sing his praises.

(Aloud.) Dordalus, most delightful fellow, welcome, here’s a place for you; take your place here (pointing to a couch.) Bring water for his feet (to the SLAVES.) Are you going to give it, lad?

(Is going to pat DORDALUS on the shoulder.)

DORDALUS

Don’t you, please, be touching me with a single finger, lest I should fell you to the ground, you villain.

PAEGNIUM

(holding up a cup.)

And I this very instant will be striking out your eye with this tankard.

DORDALUS

What do you say, gallows ¹ , you wearer-away of the whip? How have you imposed upon me ² to-day? Into what embarrassments have you thrown me? How have I been baulked about the Persian?

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TOXILUS

You’ll be off with your abuse from here, if you are wise.

DORDALUS

(to LEMNISELENE.)

But, my worthy freed-woman, you knew of this, and concealed it from me.

LEMNISELENE

It’s folly

for a person who can enjoy himself to turn to brawling in preference. ’Twere more proper for you to arrange about those matters another time.

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DORDALUS

My heart’s in flames.

TOXILUS

Give him a goblet, then; put out the fire, if his heart’s in flames, that his head mayn’t be burnt.

DORDALUS

You’re making sport of me, I find.

TOXILUS

Would you like ³ a new playfellow for you, Paegnium? (Pointing at DORDALUS.)

But sport on as you are wont, as this is a place of freedom. (PAEGNIUM struts about round DORDALUS.) O rare! you do stalk in a princely style and right merrily.

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PAEGNIUM

It befits me to be merry, and I’ve a longing to play this Procurer some pranks, since he’s deserving of it.

TOXILUS

As you commenced, proceed.

PAEGNIUM

(striking him.)

Take that, Procurer!

DORDALUS

I’m undone! he has almost knocked me down!

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PAEGNIUM

Hey—be on your guard ⁴ again.

(Strikes at him.)

DORDALUS

Sport on just as you please, while your master’s away from here.

PAEGNIUM

(skipping around him.)

Don’t you see how obedient I am to your request? But why, on the other hand, are not you obedient to my request as well, and why don’t you do that which I advise you?

DORDALUS

What’s that?

PAEGNIUM

Do you take a stout rope for yourself, and go hang yourself.

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DORDALUS

(shaking his stick.)

Take you care, will you, that you don’t touch me, lest I give you a heavy return with this walking-stick.

PAEGNIUM

Make use of it; I give you leave.

TOXILUS

Come, come, Paegnium, put an end to it.

DORDALUS

By my faith, I’ll utterly destroy you all.

TOXILUS

But he, who dwells above ⁵ us,

wishes you all ill, and will do you all ill. It’s not they that tell you so, but I.

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TOXILUS

Come (to the SLAVES.) carry round the honied wine ⁶ ; give us drink in goblets quite full: it’s a long time now since we last drank; we’ve been athirst too long.

DORDALUS

May the Gods grant that you may drink that which may never pass through you.

PAEGNIUM

I cannot forbear, Procurer, from at least dancing a hornpipe ⁷ for you, which Hegea formerly

composed. But just look if it quite pleases you.

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(He dances.)

SAGARISTIO

(rising.)

I’d like also to repeat that one which Diodorus formerly composed in Ionia.

(Goes close to DORDALUS.)

DORDALUS

I’ll be doing you a mischief, if you are not off!

SAGARISTIO

Still muttering, impudence? If you provoke me, I’ll just now be bringing you the Persian again.

DORDALUS

I’ faith, I’m silenced now. Why, you are the Persian that has been fleecing me to the quick!

TOXILUS

Hold your tongue, simpleton; this is his twin-brother.

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DORDALUS

Is it he?

TOXILUS

Aye, and a very twin of twins.

DORDALUS

May the Gods and Goddesses rack both yourself and your twin-brother.

SAGARISTIO

Him, you mean, who has been ruining you; for I don’t deserve anything.

DORDALUS

But still, what he deserves, I hope that that may prove to your undoing.

TOXILUS

(to SAGARISTIO.)

Come, if you like, let’s have some sport with this fellow,

unless he isn’t deemed worthy of it.

SAGARISTIO

Just now it’s right.

LEMNISELENE

(aside.)

But it isn’t proper for me.

TOXILUS

(aside.)

For the reason, I suppose, that he made no difficulties when I purchased you.

LEMNISELENE

(aside.)

But still—

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TOXILUS

(aside.)

No still. Beware, then, of a mishap, will you, and obey me. It becomes you to be heedful of my orders; for, i’ faith, had it not been for me and my protection, he would before long have made a street-walker of you. But such are some of those who have gained their freedom, unless they thwart their patron, they don’t appear to themselves free enough, or wise enough, or honest enough,

unless they oppose him, unless they abuse him, unless they are found ungrateful to him who has been kind.

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LEMNISELENE

(aside.)

I’ troth, your kindnesses command me to pay obedience to your commands.

TOXILUS

(aside.)

I clearly am your patron, who paid the money for you to that man (pointing to DORDALUS.) in return for that, I choose that he shall be made sport of.

LEMNISELENE

(aside.)

For my part, I’ll do my utmost.

DORDALUS

For sure, these persons are consulting to do something, I know not what, to injure me.

SAGARISTIO

Hark you.

TOXILUS

What do you say?

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SAGARISTIO

Is this person here, Dordalus the Procurer, who deals in free women? Is this he who was formerly st stalwart?

DORDALUS

What means this? (PAEGNIUM strikes him.) Oh, oh! he has given me a slap in the face! I’ll do you a mischief.

(Shakes his fist at him.)

TOXILUS

But we have done you one, and shall do it again too.

DORDALUS

(PAEGNIUM pinching him.)

Oh, oh! he’s pinching my behind.

PAEGNIUM

Of course; it has been many a time twitched before this.

DORDALUS

Are you still prating, you bit of a boy?

LEMNISELENE

(to DORDALUS.)

My patron, do, there’s a dear, come in-doors to dinner.

DORDALUS

My lump of laziness, are you now scoffing at me?

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LEMNISELENE

What, because I invite you to enjoy yourself?

DORDALUS

I don’t want to enjoy myself.

LEMNISELENE

Then don’t.

TOXILUS

How then? The six hundred didrachms, how are they? What disturbances they do cause.

DORDALUS

(aside.)

I’m utterly undone! They understand full well how to return the compliment to an enemy.

TOXILUS

Have we now had satisfaction enough?

DORDALUS

I confess it; I hold up my hands ⁸ to you.

TOXILUS

And, ere long, you shall be holding them beneath the bilboes ⁹ . Be off in-doors. ¹⁰

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SAGARISTIO

To perdition!

DORDALUS

(to the AUDIENCE.)

Have these fellows here worked me in too slight a degree?

(Goes into his house.)

TOXILUS

(calling after him.)

Keep in mind that you met with a Toxilus. (To the AUDIENCE.) Spectators, kindly fare you well. The Procurer is demolished. Grant us your applause.