T. Maccius Plautus Mostellaria 5.1

TRANIO

(to himself.)

The man that shall prove timid in critical matters, will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression, worth a nutshell, means, I don’t know. But after my master sent me into the country to fetch his son hither,

I went that way (pointing) slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden that’s in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I had led out my troops to a place of safety, I adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades,

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and when I had convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more perplexed, so that nothing can be settled.

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But I know full well, that now by no means can this be concealed from the old man.

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But how’s this, that our next neighbour’s door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my master: I’d like to have a taste of his talk.

(Goes aside, out of sight of THEUROPIDES.) (Enter THEUROPIDES, from SIMO’s house.)

THEUROPIDES

(in the doorway, speaking to SIMO’s SLAVES.)

Do you stand there, in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call,

you may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs upon him. I’ll wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose hide I’ll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.

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TRANIO

(apart.)

The affair’s all out. Now it’s best for you, Tranio, to consider what you are to do.

THEUROPIDES

(to himself.)

I must go to work to catch him cleverly and artfully when he comes here.

I’ll not disclose to him my feelings all at once; I’ll throw out my line; I’ll conceal the fact that I know anything of these matters.

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TRANIO

(apart.)

O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive him than he can a stone. I’ll accost the man; I’ll address him.

THEUROPIDES

(to himself.)

Now I do wish that he would come here.

TRANIO

(apart.)

I’ faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand for you. (Comes forward.)

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THEUROPIDES

Bravo! Tranio, what’s being done?

TRANIO

The country people are coming from the country Philolaches will be here in a moment.

THEUROPIDES

I’ faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.

TRANIO

Why so?

THEUROPIDES

Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.

TRANIO

Denies it?

THEUROPIDES

And declares that you never gave him a single coin of money

TRANIO

Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn’t deny it.

THEUROPIDES

How so?

TRANIO

I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he doesn’t deny it.

THEUROPIDES

Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has sold this house to Philolaches.

TRANIO

Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?

THEUROPIDES

Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it,

that he had neither sold this house, nor had any money him paid been.

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I told him the same that you told me.

TRANIO

What did he say?

THEUROPIDES

He offered to give up all his servants for examination.

TRANIO

Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.

THEUROPIDES

He really does offer them.

TRANIO

Why then, do you summon him to trial.

THEUROPIDES

Wait a bit;

I’ll make trial as I fancy. I’m determined on it.

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TRANIO

Bring the fellow here to me.

THEUROPIDES

What then, if I go fetch some men?

TRANIO

It ought to have been done already;

or else bid the young man to demand possession of the house.

THEUROPIDES

Why no, I want to do this first—to put the servants under examination ¹ .

TRANIO

I’ faith, I think it ought to be done.

Meantime, I’ll take possession of this altar ² .

(Runs to the altar.)

THEUROPIDES

Why so?

TRANIO

You can understand nothing.

Why, that those may not be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination, I’ll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to nothing.

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THEUROPIDES

Get up from the altar.

TRANIO

By no means.

THEUROPIDES

Prithee, don’t you take possession of the altar.

TRANIO

Why so?

THEUROPIDES

You shall hear; why, because I especially want this, for them to be taking refuge there. Do let them; so much the more easily shall I get him fined before the judge.

TRANIO

What you intend to do, do it. Why do you wish to sow further strife? You don’t know how ticklish a thing it is to go to law.

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THEUROPIDES

Just get up, (beckoning) this way; it’s, then, to ask your advice upon something that I want you.

TRANIO

Still, as I am, I’ll give my advice from this spot: my wits are much sharper when I’m sittings ³ . Besides, advice is given with higher sanction from holy places ⁴ .

THEUROPIDES

Get up; don’t be trifling. Just look me in the face.

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TRANIO

(looking at him.)

I am looking.

THEUROPIDES

Do you see me?

TRANIO

I do see—that if any third person were to step in here, he would die of hunger.

THEUROPIDES

Why so?

TRANIO

Because he would get no profit; for, upon my faith, we are both artful ones.

THEUROPIDES

I’m undone!

TRANIO

What’s the matter with you?

THEUROPIDES

You have deceived me.

TRANIO

How so, pray?

THEUROPIDES

You’ve wiped me clean ⁵ .

TRANIO

Consider, please, if it wasn’t well done; is your nose running still?

THEUROPIDES

Aye, all my brains besides have you been wiping out of my head as well. For all your villanies I have discovered from their very roots; and not from the roots, indeed, i’ faith, but even from beneath the very roots.

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Never this day, by my troth, will you have planned all this without being punished.

I shall at once, you villain, order fire and faggots ⁶ to be placed around you.

TRANIO

Don’t do it; for it’s my way to be sweeter boiled than roasted.

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THEUROPIDES

Upon my faith, I’ll make an example of you.

TRANIO

Because I please you, you select me for an example.

THEUROPIDES

Say now: what kind of a person did I leave my son, when I went away from here?

TRANIO

One with feet and hands, with fingers, ears, eyes, and lips.

THEUROPIDES

I asked you something else than that.

TRANIO

For that reason I now answer you something else.

But look, I see Callidamates, the friend of your son, coming this way. Deal with me in his presence, if you want anything

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