T. Maccius Plautus Miles Gloriosus 2.2

PERIPLECOMENUS

(speaking to his servants within.)

Faith, if you don’t in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i’ faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight ¹ . And now, therefore, I give you all notice,

whatever person of this Captain’s household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monkey; woe be to you, if you don’t badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice ² ,

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do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

165

PALAESTRIO

(aside.)

Something amiss,—what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I’ll accost the old man. (Advances.)

PERIPLECOMENUS

The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

PALAESTRIO

How do you do, Periplecomenus?

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PERIPLECOMENUS

There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

PALAESTRIO

What’s the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

PERIPLECOMENUS

We are done for.

PALAESTRIO

What’s the matter?

PERIPLECOMENUS

The thing’s discovered.

PALAESTRIO

What thing’s discovered?

PERIPLECOMENUS

Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles

through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

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PALAESTRIO

What person saw it?

PERIPLECOMENUS

Your fellow-servant.

PALAESTRIO

Which person was it?

PERIPLECOMENUS

I don’t know; he took himself off so suddenly—in an instant.

PALAESTRIO

I suspect I’m ruined.

PERIPLECOMENUS

When he went away, I cried: Hallo! you sir! said I, what are you doing upon the tiles? As he went away he replied to me in these terms, that he was following a stray’d monkey.

PALAESTRIO

Woe to wretched me! that I must be ruined for a worthless beast. But is Philocomasium there with you even still?

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PERIPLECOMENUS

When I came out, she was there.

PALAESTRIO

If she is, then bid her return to our house as soon as ever she can, that the servants may see that she is at home; unless, indeed, she wishes that we, who are slaves, her fellow-slaves ³ , should all be given up together to tortures by the cross on account of her courting.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I bade her do so; unless you would aught else.

185

PALAESTRIO

I would. Tell her this: that, by my troth, she must not hesitate at all to bring in play her skill and cleverness.

PERIPLECOMENUS

In what way?

PALAESTRIO

That by her words she may persuade him who saw her here at your house, that he did not see her.

Should he accuse her, on the other hand let her convince him with her oath.

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Even though she were seen a hundred times over, still let her deny it.

(Aside.) For, if she is at all inclined to ill, a woman never goes begging ⁴ to the gardener for material, she has a garden at home and a stock of her own for all mischievous contrivances;

at home she has impudence ⁵ , a lying tongue, perfidiousness, malice, and boldness, self-conceit, assurance, and deceitfulness,—

at home she has wiles,—at home captivating contrivances,—stratagems at home.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I’ll tell her this, if she shall be in-doors here (pointing to his house.) But what is it, Palaestrio, that you are considering with yourself in your mind?

195

PALAESTRIO

Be silent a moment, while I am calling a council in my mind, and while I am considering what I am to do, what plan I must contrive, on the other hand, as a match for my crafty fellow-servant, who has seen her billing here in your house; so that what was seen may not have been seen.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Do contrive one; in the meantime, I’ll retire hence to a distance from you, to this spot. (He retires to a distance.) Look at him, please (to the AUDIENCE), revolving his cares with brow severe, how he stands. He strikes his breast with his fingers I fancy he’s about to call his heart outside. See, he shifts his posture; again he places his left hand upon his left thigh. His right hand is reckoning down his plans upon his fingers; in despair he strikes his thigh.

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His right hand is moving rapidly ⁶ ; with difficulty does it suggest what he is to do. He snaps his fingers now; he’s striving hard; full oft he changes his position. But see how he shakes his head; it pleases him not what he has hit upon. Whatever it is, nothing crude will he bring forth, something well-digested will he produce. But see, he is building; he has placed his hand as a pillar ⁷ beneath his chin.

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Have done with it in truth, this mode of building pleases me not; for I have heard say that the head of a foreign Poet ⁸ is wont to be supported thus, over whom two guards are ever at all hours keeping watch. Bravo! how becomingly he stands,—i’ faith, how like a very slave ⁹ , and how faithful to his part. Never, this day,will he rest, before he has completed that which he is in search of.

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He has it, I suspect. Come—to the business you’re about: keep wide awake, think not of sleep; unless, indeed, you wish to be keeping your watch here all checquered o’er with stripes. ’Tis I, that am talking to you; schemer, don’t you know that I am speaking to you? Palaestrio! awake, say; arouse yourself, I say; ’tis daylight now, I say.

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PALAESTRIO

I hear you.

PERIPLECOMENUS

Don’t you see that the enemy is upon you, and that siege is being laid to your back? Take counsel, then;

obtain aid and assistance in this matter; the hastily, not the leisurely, is befitting here. Get the start of them in some way, and in some direction this moment lead around your troops. Close round the enemy in siege; prepare the convoy for our side. Cut off the enemy’s provision, secure yourself a passage, by which supplies and provision may be enabled in safety to reach yourself and your forces. Look to this business; the emergency is sudden.

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Invent—contrive—this instant give us some clever plan; so that that which has been seen here within, may not have been seen; that which has been done, may not have been done. There, my man, you undertake a great enterprise; lofty the defences which you erect. If you yourself alone but say you undertake this, I have a certainty

that we are able to rout our foes.

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PALAESTRIO

I do say so, and I do undertake it.

PERIPLECOMENUS

And I do pronounce that you shall obtain that which you desire.

PALAESTRIO

May Jupiter kindly bless you then!

PERIPLECOMENUS

But, friend, do you impart to me the plan which you have devised.

PALAESTRIO

Be silent, then, while I am inducting you in the direction of my devices; that you may know as well as my own self my plans.

PERIPLECOMENUS

The same you shall receive safe from the same spot where you have deposited them.

PALAESTRIO

My master is surrounded with the hide of an elephant, not his own, and has no more wisdom than a stone.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

I myself know the same thing.

PALAESTRIO

Now, thus I would begin upon my plan; this contrivance I shall act upon. I shall say that her other own twin-sister has come here from Athens , with a certain person, her lover, to Philocomasium,

as like to her as milk is to milk. I shall say that they are lodged and entertained here in your house.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

Bravo! bravo! cleverly thought of. I approve or your device.

PALAESTRIO

So that, if my fellow-servant should accuse her before the Captain, and say that he has seen her here at your house, toying with another man, I shall assert, on the other hand, that my fellow-servant has seen the other one, the sister, at your house,

fondling and toying with her own lover.

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PERIPLECOMENUS

Aye, most excellent. I’ll say the same, if the Captain shall inquire of me.

PALAESTRIO

But do you say that they are extremely alike; and this must be imparted in time to Philocomasium, in order that she may know; that she mayn’t be tripping if the Captain should question her.

PERIPLECOMENUS

A very clever contrivance. But if the Captain should wish to see them both in company together,

what shall we do then?

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PALAESTRIO

That’s easy enough. Three hundred excuses may be picked up—she is not at home; she has gone out walking; she is asleep; she is dressing; she is bathing; she is at breakfast ¹⁰ ; she is taking dessert ¹¹ ; she is engaged; she is enjoying her rest ¹² ; in fact, she can’t come. There are as many of these put-offs as you like, if I can only persuade him at the very outset to believe that to be true which shall be contrived.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I like what you say.

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PALAESTRIO

Go in-doors then; and if the damsel’s there, bid her return home directly, and instruct and tutor her thoroughly in this plan, that she may understand our scheme, as we have begun it, about the twin-sister.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I’ll have her right cleverly tutor’d for you. Is there anything else?

PALAESTRIO

Only, be off in-doors.

PERIPLECOMENUS

I’m off.

(Exit.)