T. Maccius Plautus Menaechmi 1.2

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(speaking at the door to his WIFE within.)

Unless you were worthless, unless you were foolish, unless you were stark wild and an idiot, that which you see is disagreable to your husband, you would deem to be so to yourself as well. Moreover, if after this day you do any such thing to me, I’ll force you, a divorced woman, turned out of my doors to go visit your father. For as often as I wish to go out of the house, you are detaining me, calling me back, asking me questions;

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whither I am going, what matter I am about, what business I am transacting, what I am wanting, what I am bringing, what I have been doing out of doors? I’ve surely brought home a custom-house officer ¹ as my wife; so much am I obliged to disclose all my business, whatever I have done and am doing. I’ve had you hitherto indulged too much. Now, therefore, I’ll tell you how I am about to act.

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Since I find you handsomely in maids, provisions, wool, gold trinkets, garments, and purple, and you are wanting in nought, you’ll beware of a mischief if you’re wise; you’ll leave off watching your husband. (In a lower voice.) And therefore, that you mayn’t be watching me in vain, for your pains I shall find me a mistress to-day, and invite her to dinner somewhere out of doors.

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PENICULUS

(apart.)

This fellow pretends that he’s upbraiding his wife, but he’s addressing myself; for if he does dine out of doors, he really is punishing me, not his wife.

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(to himself.)

Hurra! I’ troth, by my taunts I’ve driven my wife from the door at last. Where now are your intriguing husbands? Why do they hesitate, all returning thanks, to bring presents to me who have fought so gallantly?

This mantle ² of my wife’s (taking it from under his cloak) I’ve just now stolen from in-doors, and I’m taking it to my mistress. This way it’s proper for a clever trick to be played this knowing husband-watcher. This is a becoming action, this is right, this is skilful, this is done in workman-like style; inasmuch as at my own risk I’ve taken this from my plague, this same shall be carried off to destruction ³ . With the safety of my allies ⁴ I’ve gained a booty from the foe.

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PENICULUS

(aloud, at a distance.)

Harkye! young man; pray what share have I ⁵ in that booty?

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

I’m undone; I’ve fallen into an ambuscade.

PENICULUS

Say a safeguard rather. Don’t be afraid.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What person’s this?

PENICULUS

’Tis I.

(Coming up to him.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

O my convenient friend—O my ready occasion, save you.

PENICULUS

And save you.

(they shake hands.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What are you about?

PENICULUS

Holding my good Genius in my right hand.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

You couldn’t have come to me more à propos than you have come.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus. PENICULUS

I’m in the habit of doing so; I understand all the points of ready occasion.

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Would you like to be witness of a brilliant exploit?

PENICULUS

What cook has cooked it? I shall know at once if he has made any mistake, when I see the remnants. ⁶ .

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Tell me—did you ever see a picture painted on a wall, where the eagle is carrying off Ganymede ⁷ , or Venus Adonis?

PENICULUS

Many a time. But what are these pictures to me?

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Come, look at me ⁸ . Do I at all bear any resemblance to them?

PENICULUS

What’s this garb of yours?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Pronounce me to be a very clever fellow.

PENICULUS

Where are we to feed?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Only do you say that which I requested you.

PENICULUS

Well, I do say so; very clever fellow.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

And don’t you venture to add anything of your own to it?

PENICULUS

— And very pleasant fellow.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Go on.

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PENICULUS

I’ faith, I really can’t go on, unless I know for what reason. You’ve had a fall-out with your wife; on that ground am I the more strongly on my guard ⁹ against you.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

While you are interrupting me, you are delaying yourself.

PENICULUS

Knock out my only eye ¹⁰ , Menaechmus, if I speak one word but what you bid me.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

where, unknown to my wife, we will erect the funeral pile and let us consume this day ¹¹ upon it.

PENICULUS

Well, come then, since you request what’s fair, how soon am I to set fire to the pile?

Why really, the day’s half dead already down to its navel ¹² .

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Come this way from the door.

PENICULUS

Be it so.

(Moves from the door.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Come still more this way.

PENICULUS

Very well.

(Moves.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus

Even still, step aside boldly from the lioness’s den.

PENICULUS

(still moving.)

Well done; by my troth, as I fancy, you really would bean excellent charioteers ¹³ .

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Why so?

PENICULUS

That your wife mayn’t follow you, you are looking back ever and anon.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

But what say you?

PENICULUS

What, I? Why, whatever you choose, that same do I say, and that same do I deny.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Could you make any conjecture at all from the smell, if perchance you were to take a smell at something?

PENICULUS

Were the college of Augurs summoned

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MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(holds out the skirt of the mantle.)

Come then, take a sniff at this mantle that I’m holding. What does it smell of? Do you decline?

PENICULUS

It’s as well to smell the top of a woman’s garment; for at this other place the nose is offended with an odour that can’t be washed out.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(holding another part.)

Take a smell here then, Peniculus, as you are so daintily nice.

PENICULUS

Very well.

(He smells it.)

MENAECHMUS

How now? What does it smell of? Answer me.

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PENICULUS

Theft, a mistress, and a breakfast. To you

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

You have spoken out now it shall be taken to this mistress of mine, the Courtesan Erotium. I’ll order a breakfast at once to be got ready, for me, you, and her;

then will we booze away even to the morrow’s morning star.

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PENICULUS

Capital. You’ve spoken out distinctly. Am I to knock at the door then?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Knock—or hold, rather.

PENICULUS

You’ve removed ¹⁴ the goblet a full mile by that.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Knock gently.

PENICULUS

You’re afraid, I think, that the doors are made of Samian crockery. (Goes to knock.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Hold, prithee, hold, i’ faith; see, she’s coming out herself. (The door of EROTIUM’S house is opened.) Ha you behold the sun, is it not quite darkened in comparison with the bright rays of her person.

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