T. Maccius Plautus Menaechmi 5.5

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(to himself.)

By my faith, this day has certainly fallen out perverse and adverse for me,

since the Parasite, who has filled me full of disgrace and terror, has made that all known, which I supposed I was doing secretly; my own Ulysses ¹ , who has brought so great evil on his king—a fellow that, by my troth, if I only live, I’ll soon finish his life ² . But I’m a fool, who call that his, which is my own.

900

With my own victuals and at my own expense has he been supported; of existence will I deprive the fellow. But the Courtesan has done this in a way worthy of her, just as the harlot’s habit is: because I ask for the mantle, that it may be returned again to my wife, she declares that she has given it me. O dear! By my faith, I do live a wretched man.

905

OLD MAN

(apart.)

Do you hear what he says ?

DOCTOR.

(apart.)

He declares that he is wretched.

OLD MAN

(apart.)

I wish you to accost him.

DOCTOR.

(going up to him.)

Save you, Menaechmus. Prithee, why do you bare your arm? Don’t you know how much mischief you are now doing to that disease of yours?

910

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Why don’t you go hang yourself?

OLD MAN

What think you now?

DOCTOR.

What shouldn’t I think? This case can’t be treated with even ointment of hellebore. But what have you to say, Menaechmus?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What do you want?

DOCTOR.

Tell me this that I ask of you; do you drink white wine or dark-coloured?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What need have you to enquire?

DOCTOR.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Why don’t you go to utter perdition ?

OLD MAN

Troth, he’s now beginning to be attacked with the fit.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

Why don’t you ask whether I’m wont to eat dark bread, or purple, or yellow? Or whether I’m wont to eat birds with scales, or fish with wings?

OLD MAN

Dear, dear!

(To the DOCTOR.) Don’t you hear how deliriously he talks? Why do you delay to give him something by way of a potion, before his raving overtakes him?

919920

DOCTOR.

Stop a little; I’ll question him on some other matters as well.

OLD MAN

You are killing me ³ by your prating.

DOCTOR.

(to MENAECHMUS.)

Tell me this; are your eyes ever in the habit of becoming hard ⁴ ?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What? Do you take me to be a locust ⁵ , you most worthless fellow?

DOCTOR.

Tell me, now, do your bowels ever rumble that you know of?

925

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

When I’m full, they don’t rumble at all; when I’m hungry, then they do rumble.

DOCTOR.

I’ faith, he really gave me that answer not like an insane person. Do you always sleep soundly until daylight? Do you easily go to sleep when in bed?

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

I sleep throughout if I go to sleep if I have paid my money to him to whom I owe it.

DOCTOR.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

(to the DOCTOR.)

May Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you, you questioner.

930

DOCTOR.

(aside.)

Now this person begins to rave. (To the OLD MAN.) From those expressions do you take care of yourself.

OLD MAN

Why, he’s now really quite favourable in his language, in comparison with what he was a short time since; for, a little while ago, he was saying that his wife was a raving cur.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What did I say?

OLD MAN

You were raving, I say.

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

What, I?

OLD MAN

You there; who

threatened as well to ride me down with your yoked steeds.

935

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

OLD MAN

I myself saw you do this; I myself accuse you of this.

936940

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

And I know that you stole ⁶ the sacred crown of Jupiter; and that on that account you were confined in prison; and after you were let out, I know that you were beaten with rods in the bilboes; I know, too, that you murdered your father and sold your mother.

Don’t I give this abuse in answer for your abuse, like a sane person?

945

OLD MAN

I’ faith, Doctor, whatever you are about to do, prithee, do it quickly. Don’t you see that the man is raving?

DOCTOR.

Do you know what’s the best for you to do? Have him taken to my house.

OLD MAN

Do you think so?

DOCTOR.

Why should I not? There at my own discretion I shall be able to treat the man.

OLD MAN

Do just as you please.

DOCTOR.

(to MENAECHMUS.)

I’ll make you drink hellebore some twenty days.

950

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

But, hanging up ⁷ , I’ll flog you with a whip for thirty days.

DOCTOR.

(to the OLD MAN.)

Go fetch some men to take him off to my house.

OLD MAN

How many are sufficient?

DOCTOR.

Since I see him thus raving, four, no less.

OLD MAN

They shall be here this instant. Do you keep an eye on him, Doctor.

DOCTOR.

Why, no, I shall go home

that the things may be got ready, which are necessary to be prepared. Bid your servants carry him to my house.

955

OLD MAN

I’ll make him be there just now.

DOCTOR.

I’m off.

OLD MAN

Farewell.

(Exeunt OLD MAN and DOCTOR, separately.)

MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

My father-in-law is gone, the Doctor is gone; I’m alone. O Jupiter! Why is it that these people say I’m mad? Why, in fact, since I was born, I have never for a single day been ill.

I’m neither mad, nor do I commence strifes or quarrels. In health myself, I see others well; I know people, I address them. Is it that they who falsely say I’m mad, are mad themselves? What shall I do now? I wish to go home; but my wife doesn’t allow me; and here (pointing to EROTIUM’S house) no one admits me. Most unfortunately has this fallen out.

960

Here will I still remain; at night, at least, I shall be let into the house, I trust.

965

(Stands near his door.)