T. Maccius Plautus Curculio 2.3

CURCULIO

(to himself.)

Known or unknown, make way for me, while here I execute my commission; fly all of you, be off, and get out of the way, lest I should hurt any person in my speed with my head, or elbow, or breast, or with my knee. So suddenly now am I charged with a business of quickness and despatch. And be there no person ever so opulent to stop me in my way,

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neither general ¹ , nor any tyrant ² , nor market-officer ³ , nor demarch ⁴ nor comarch ⁵ , with their honors so great, but that down he goes, and tumbles head first from the footpath into the carriage-road. And then those Grecians with their cloaks, who walk about with covered heads, who go loaded beneath their cloaks with books, and with baskets ⁶ ,

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they loiter together, and engage in gossipping among themselves, the gad-abouts ⁷ ; you may always see them enjoying themselves in the hot liquor-shops ⁸ ; when they have scraped up some trifle, with their covered pates they are drinking mulled wine, sad and maudlin they depart: if I stumble upon them here,

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from every single one of them I’ll squeeze out a belch from their pearled-barley diet ⁹ . And then those servants of your dainty townsmen ¹⁰ , who are playing at catch-ball in the road, both throwers and catchers, all of them I’ll pitch under foot. Would they avoid a mishap, why then, let them keep at home.

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PHAEDROMUS

(apart.)

He points out aright, he only requires that he should speak with authority; for such manners are in vogue in the present day,

such at present are the slaves; really, control cannot be held over them.

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CURCULIO

(to himself.)

Is there any one, I wonder, who can point out to me Phaedromus, my good Genius? The matter is of such pressing nature, I really must meet with the man this instant.

PALINURUS

(apart.)

He’s looking for you.

PHAEDROMUS

(apart.)

What if we accost him? (Aloud.) Hallo! Curculio, I want you.

CURCULIO

(looking round.)

Who’s calling me? Who’s mentioning my name?

PHAEDROMUS

One who wishes to meet with you.

CURCULIO

(seeing him.)

You don’t wish more for me than I wish for you.

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PHAEDROMUS

O my own ready occasion, Curculio, much longed-for, greetings to you.

CURCULIO

Greetings to you.

PHAEDROMUS

I’m glad that you have arrived safe; give me your right hand. How stand my hopes? Troth now, prithee, do speak out.

CURCULIO

To you, troth now, prithee, do speak out, how stand my own. (Makes curious gestures.)

PHAEDROMUS

What’s the matter with you?

CURCULIO

A dimness is beginning to come, my knees are failing through fasting.

PHAEDROMUS

I’ faith, through lassitude, I think.

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CURCULIO

(staggering.)

Support me, prithee, do support me.

PHAEDROMUS

See how pale he has turned; will you give him a seat, for him to be seated at once, and an ewer with some water? Will you make haste, this very instant?

CURCULIO

I’m faint.

PHAEDROMUS

Would you like some water?

CURCULIO

If it’s full of bits ¹¹ of meat, prithee, give it me to swallow down, i’ faith.

PHAEDROMUS

Woe be to that head of yours.

CURCULIO

Troth now, prithee do give me cause to rejoice at my arrival ¹² .

PHAEDROMUS

(begins to fan him.)

By all means.

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CURCULIO

Prithee, what’s this you’re about.

PHAEDROMUS

Some air.

CURCULIO

Really, for my part, I don’t want a breath to be raised.

PHAEDROMUS

What then?

CURCULIO

To eat, that I may rejoice on my arrival.

PHAEDROMUS

May Jupiter and the Deities confound you.

CURCULIO

I’m quite undone; I can hardly see;

my mouth is bitter; my teeth, I find, are blunted ¹³ ; my jaws are clammy through fasting; with my entrails thus lank with abstinence from food am I come.

PHAEDROMUS

You shall eat something just now.

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CURCULIO

I’ faith, I don’t want something; I’d rather have what’s fixed for certain, than your something.

PHAEDROMUS

Aye, but if you only knew what has been put by for you.

CURCULIO

I’d very much like to know where it is; for really it’s necessary for it and my teeth to make acquaintance.

PHAEDROMUS

A gammon of bacon, a sow’s stomach, some udder and kernels of the throat.

CURCULIO

What, all this do you say? Perhaps you mean that they are in the flesh-market?

PHAEDROMUS

In the dishes, I mean; they’ve been got ready for you, since we knew that you were about to arrive.

CURCULIO

Take care you don’t be fooling me.

PHAEDROMUS

So may the fair one love me whom I love, I don’t say what’s false. But as to what I sent you upon I’m none the wiser yet.

CURCULIO

I’ve brought back nothing.

PHAEDROMUS

You’ve undone me.

CURCULIO

I can find something, if you’ll give me your attention. After, at your request, I had set out, I arrived in Caria;

I saw your friend; I asked him to make me a loan of some money. In answer, you were to know that he was willing to oblige you; he didn’t wish to disappoint you, as it is only proper that a person who is a friend should be ready, and should assist his friend. In a few words he answered me, and quite in confidence, that he also was in the same extreme want of money as yourself.

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PHAEDROMUS

By your words you ensure my undoing.

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CURCULIO

Why no; I’m saving you, and wish you to be saved. After this answer was given me, I went away from him to the Forum, in sorrow that I had applied to him in vain. By accident I espied a military officer; this person I accosted, and as I approached I saluted him. Save you, said he to me, took my right hand, drew me aside, and asked me why I had come to Caria.

I said that I had come there for the sake of amusement. Upon this he asked me whether I knew a certain Lyco, a banker of Epidaurus. I said I knew him. Well, and the Procurer Cappadox? I answered yes, that I had seen him. But what do you want of him? said I. Because, said he, I bought of him a girl for thirty minae, her clothes and golden jewels too; and for these last ten minae more are added.

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Have you paid the money? said I. No, said he; it is lodged with this Lyco the banker, whom I was mentioning, and I’ve instructed him that the person who should bring a letter sealed with my own ring, to him he was to give his services, that he might receive the damsel, with her jewels of gold and her clothes, from the Procurer. After he told me this, I was going away from him. At once he called me back,

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invited me to dinner; it was a point of conscience, I was unwilling to refuse him. What if we go off home, and take our places at table? said he. The suggestion pleased me; it is neither proper to lengthen out the day, nor to curtail the night. Everything was prepared, and we, for whom it was prepared, were at our places. After we had dined and well drunk, he asked for the dice to be fetched him.

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He challenged me to play with him a game of hazard. I staked my cloak, he staked his ring against it; he called on the name ¹⁴ of Planesium.

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PHAEDROMUS

What, my mistress?

CURCULIO

Be silent a while. He threw a most losing cast ¹⁵ . I took up the dice, and invoked Hercules as my genial patron ¹⁶ ; I threw a first-rate cast ¹⁷ , and pledged him in a bumping cup; in return he drank it off,

reclined his head, and fell fast asleep. I slily took away from him the ring, and took my legs quietly from off the couch, so that the Captain mightn’t perceive it. The servants enquired whither I was going; I said that I was going whither persons when full are wont to go. When I beheld the door, at once on the instant I betook myself away from the place.

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PHAEDROMUS

I commend you.

CURCULIO

Commend me when I’ve brought this thing about which you desire. Now let’s go indoors, that we may seal the letter.

PHAEDROMUS

Do I delay you?

CURCULIO

But let’s cram down something first, the gammon, the udder, and the kernels; these are the foundations for the stomach, with bread and roast beef, a good-sized cup and a capacious pot, that counsel enough may be forthcoming. Do you, yourself, seal the letter; he’ll do the honors (pointing to PALINURUS) while I am eating.

I’ll dictate after what fashion you’re to write. Follow me this way, in-doors.

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PHAEDROMUS

I follow.

(They go into the house of PHAEDROMUS.)