T. Maccius Plautus Captivi 4.2

HEGIO

(to himself.)

The more that I revolve this matter in my breast, the more is my uneasiness of mind increased. That I should have been duped in this fashion to-day! and that I wasn’t able to see through it!

When this shall be known, then I shall be laughed at all over the city. The very moment that I shall have reached the Forum, all will be saying, This is that clever old gentleman, who had the trick played him. But is this Ergasilus, that I see coming at a distance? Surely he has got his cloak gathered up; what, I wonder, is he going to do?

785

ERGASILUS

(advancing, and talking to himself.)

Throw aside from you all tardiness, Ergasilus, and speed on this business. I threaten, and I strictly charge no person to stand in my way, unless any one shall be of opinion that he has lived long enough. For whoever does come in my way, shall stop me upon his face.

790

(He runs along, flourishing his arms about.)

HEGIO

(to himself.)

This fellow’s beginning to box.

ERGASILUS

(to himself.)

I’m determined to do it; so that every one may pursue his own path,

let no one be bringing any of his business in this street; for my fist is a balista, my arm is my catapulta, my shoulder a battering-ram; then against whomsoever I dart my knee, I shall bring him to the ground. I’ll make all persons to be picking up their teeth ¹ , whomsoever I shall meet with.

795

HEGIO

(to himself.)

What threatening is this? For I cannot wonder enough.

ERGASILUS

I’ll make him always to remember this day and place, and myself as well. Whoever stops me upon my road, I’ll make him put a stop to his own existence.

800

HEGIO

(to himself.)

What great thing is this fellow preparing to do, with such mighty threats?

ERGASILUS

I first give notice, that no one, by reason of his own fault, may be caught—keep yourselves in-doors at home, and guard yourselves from my attack.

HEGIO

(to himself.)

By my faith, ‘tis strange if he hasn’t got this boldness by means of his stomach. Woe to that wretched man, through whose cheer this fellow has become quite swaggering.

805

ERGASILUS

Then the bakers, that feed swine, that fatten their pigs upon refuse bran, through the stench of which no one can pass by a baker’s shop; if I see the pig of any one of them in the public way,

I’ll beat the bran out of the masters’ themselves with my fists.

810

HEGIO

(to himself.)

Royal and imperial edicts does he give out. The fellow is full; he certainly has his boldness from his stomach.

ERGASILUS

Then the fishmongers, who supply stinking fish to the public—who are carried about on a gelding, with his galloping galling pace ² —

the stench of whom drives all the loungers in the Basilica ³ into the Forum, I’ll bang their heads with their bulrush fish-baskets, that they may understand what annoyance they cause to the noses of other people. And then the butchers, as well, who render the sheep destitute of their young—who agree with you about killing lamb ⁴ , and then offer you lamb at double the price—

815

who give the name of wether mutton to a ram—if I should only see that ram in the public way, I’ll make both ram and owner most miserable beings.

820

HEGIO

(to hieiself.)

Well done! He really does give out edicts fit for an Aedile, and ‘tis indeed a surprising thing if the Aetolians haven’t made him inspector of markets ⁵ .

ERGASILUS

No Parasite now am I, but a right royal king of kings; so large a stock of provision for my stomach is there at hand in the harbour. But why delay to overwhelm this old gentleman Hegio with gladness? With him, not a person among mankind exists equally fortunate.

825

HEGIO

(apart.)

What joy is this, that he, thus joyous, is going to impart to me?

ERGASILUS

(knocking at HEGIO’S door.)

Hallo, hallo!—where are you? Is any one coming to open this door?

830

HEGIO

(apart.)

This fellow’s betaking himself to my house to dine.

ERGASILUS

Open you both these doors ⁶ , before I shall with knocking cause the destruction, piecemeal, of the doors.

HEGIO

(apart.)

I’d like much to address the fellow. (Aloud.) Ergasilus!

ERGASILUS

Who’s calling Ergasilus?

HEGIO

Turn round, and look at me.

ERGASILUS

(not seeing who it is.)

A thing that Fortune does not do for you, nor ever will do, you bid me to do.

But who is it.

835

HEGIO

Look round at me. ’Tis Hegio.

ERGASILUS

(turning round.)

O me! Best of the very best of men, as many as exist, you have arrived opportunely.

HEGIO

You’ve met with some one at the harbour to dine with; through that you are elevated.

ERGASILUS

Give me your hand.

HEGIO

My hand?

ERGASILUS

Give me your hand, I say, this instant.

HEGIO

Take it.

(Giving him his hand.)

ERGASILUS

Rejoice.

HEGIO

Why should I rejoice?

ERGASILUS

Because I bid you; come now, rejoice.

HEGIO

I’ faith, my sorrows exceed my rejoicings.

840

ERGASILUS

’Tis not so, as you shall find; I’ll at once drive away every spot of sorrow ⁷ from your body. Rejoice without restraint.

HEGIO

I do rejoice, although I don’t at all know why I should rejoice.

ERGASILUS

You do rightly; now order—

HEGIO

Order what?

ERGASILUS

A large fire to be made.

HEGIO

A large fire?

ERGASILUS

So I say, that a huge one it must be.

HEGIO

What, you vulture, do you suppose that for your sake I’m going to set my house on fire?

ERGASILUS

Don’t be angry. Will you order, or will you not order, the pots to be put on, and the saucepans to be washed out, the bacon and the dainties to be made warm in the heated cooking-stoves, another one, too, to go purchase the fish?

HEGIO

This fellow’s dreaming while awake.

ERGASILUS

Another to buy pork, and lamb, and pullets.

HEGIO

You understand how to feed well, if you had the means.

850

ERGASILUS

Gammons of bacon, too, and lampreys, spring pickled tunny-fish, mackerel, and sting-ray; large fish, too, and soft cheese.

HEGIO

You will have more opportunity, Ergasilus, here at my house, of talking about these things than of eating them.

ERGASILUS

Do you suppose that I’m saying this on my own account?

HEGIO

You will neither be eating nothing here to-day, nor yet much more than usual, so don’t you be mistaken.

Do you then bring an appetite to my house for your every-day fare.

855

ERGASILUS

Why, I’ll so manage it, that you yourself shall wish to be profuse, though I myself should desire you not.

HEGIO

What, I?

ERGASILUS

Yes, you.

HEGIO

Then you are my master.

ERGASILUS

Yes, and a kindly disposed one. Do you wish me to make you happy?

HEGIO

Certainly I would, rather than miserable.

ERGASILUS

Give me your hand.

HEGIO

(extending his hand.)

Here is my hand.

ERGASILUS

All the Gods are blessing you.

HEGIO

I don’t feel it so.

ERGASILUS

Why, you are not in a quickset hedge ⁸ , therefore you don’t feel it; but order the vessels, in a clean state, to be got for you forthwith in readiness for the sacrifice, and one lamb to be brought here with all haste, a fat one.

860

HEGIO

Why?

ERGASILUS

That you may offer sacrifice

HEGIO

To which one of the Gods?

ERGASILUS

To myself, i’ faith, for now am I your supreme Jupiter. I likewise am your salvation, your fortune, your life, your delight, your joy.

Do you at once, then, make this Divinity propitious to you by cramming him.

865

HEGIO

You seem to me to be hungry.

ERGASILUS

For myself am I hungry, and not for you.

HEGIO

I readily allow of it at your own good will.

ERGASILUS

I believe you; from a boy ⁹ you were in the habit—

HEGIO

May Jupiter and the Gods confound you.

ERGASILUS

I’ troth, ‘tis fair that for my news you should return me thanks; such great happiness do I now bring you from the harbour.

HEGIO

Now you are flattering me.

870

Begone, you simpleton; you have arrived behind time, too late.

ERGASILUS

If I had come sooner, then for that reason you might rather have said that. Now, receive this joyous news of me which I bring you; for at the harbour I just now saw your son Philopolemus in the common fly-boat, alive, safe and sound, and likewise there that other young man together with him,

and Stalagmus your slave, who fled from your house, who stole from you your little son, the child of four years old.

875

HEGIO

Away with you to utter perdition! You are trifling with me.

ERGASILUS

So may holy Gluttony ¹⁰ love me, Hegio, and so may she ever dignify me with her name, I did see—

HEGIO

My son?

ERGASILUS

Your son, and my good Genius.

HEGIO

That Elean captive, too?

880

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Apollo ¹¹

HEGIO

The slave, too? My slave Stalagmus, he that stole my son—?

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Cora.

HEGIO

So long a time ago?

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Praeneste!

HEGIO

Is he arrived?

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Signia!

HEGIO

For sure?

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Phrysinone!

HEGIO

Have a care, if you please.

ERGASILUS

Yes, by Alatrium!

HEGIO

Why are you swearing by foreign cities?

ERGASILUS

Why, because they are just as disagreable as you were declaring your fare to be.

HEGIO

Woe be to you!

ERGASILUS

Because that you don’t believe me at all in what I say in sober earnestness. But of what country was Stalagmus, at the time when ne departed hence?

HEGIO

A Sicilian.

ERGASILUS

But now he is not a Sicilian—he is a Boian; he has got a Boian woman. ¹² A wife, I suppose, has been given to him for the sake of obtaining children.

HEGIO

Tell me, have you said these words to me in good earnest?

890

ERGASILUS

In good earnest.

HEGIO

Immortal Gods, I seem to be born again, if you are telling the truth.

ERGASILUS

Do you say so? Will you still entertain doubts, when I have solemnly sworn to you? In fine, Hegio, if you have little confidence in my oath, go yourself to the harbour and see.

HEGIO

I’m determined to do so. Do you arrange in-doors what’s requisite. Use, ask for, take from my larder what you like; I appoint you cellarman.

ERGASILUS

Now, by my troth, if I have not prophesied truly to you, do you comb me out with a cudgel.

HEGIO

I’ll find you in victuals to the end, if you are telling me the truth.

ERGASILUS

Whence shall it be?

HEGIO

From myself and from my son.

ERGASILUS

Do you promise that?

HEGIO

I do promise it.

ERGASILUS

But I, in return, promise ¹³ you that your son has arrived.

HEGIO

Manage as well as ever you can.

900

ERGASILUS

A happy walk there to you, and a happy walk back.

(Exit HEGIO.)