STROBILUS
After my master had bought the provisions, and hired the cooks
1
and these music- girls in the market-place, he ordered me to divide these provisions into two parts.
280
LYCONIDES
By my troth, but you really shan’t be dividing me
2
, I tell you plainly. If you wish me to go anywhere whole, I’ll do my best.
ANTHRAX
A very pretty and modest fellow, indeed
3
. As if, when you are a conger by name, you wouldn’t like to be cut into pieces.
285
LYCONIDES
But, Anthrax, I said that in another sense, and not in the one which you are pretending.
STROBILUS
Now my master’s going to be married to-day.
4
ANTHRAX
Whose daughter is he to marry?
STROBILUS
The daughter of this Euclio, his near neighbour here. For that reason he has ordered half of these provisions here to be presented to him—one cook, and one music-girl likewise.
290
ANTHRAX
That is, you take one half to him, the other half home?
STROBILUS
’Tis just as you say.
ANTHRAX
How’s that? Couldn’t this old fellow provide from his own resources for the wedding of his daughter.
STROBILUS
Pshaw!
ANTHRAX
What’s the matter?
STROBILUS
What’s the matter, do you ask? A pumice stone isn’t so dry as is this old fellow.
ANTHRAX
Do you really say that it is as you affirm?
STROBILUS
Do be judge yourself. Why, he’s for ever crying out for aid from Gods and men, that his property has gone, and that he is ruined root and branch,
if the smoke by chance escapes out of doors through the rafters of his house. Why, when he goes to sleep, he ties a bag
5
beneath his gullet.
ANTHRAX
Why so?
STROBILUS
That when he sleeps, he may lose no breath.
ANTHRAX
And does he stop up the lower part of his windpipe
6
as well,
lest, perchance, he should lose any breath as he sleeps?
305
STROBILUS
In that ’tis as fair that you should credit me, as it is for me to credit you.
ANTHRAX
Why really, I do believe you.
STROBILUS
But, further, do you know how it is?
I’ faith, he grieves to throw away the water when he washes.
ANTHRAX
Do you think a great talent
7
might be begged of this old fellow for him to give us, through which we might become free?
310
STROBILUS
By my troth, if you were to ask it, he would never let you have the loan of hunger. Why, the other day, the barber had cut his nails
8
; he collected all the parings, and carried them off.
ANTHRAX
I’ faith, you do describe a miserably stingy wretch.
LYCONIDES
But do you think that he does live so very stingily and wretchedly?
315
STROBILUS
A kite, the other day, carried off his morsel of food; the fellow went crying to the Praetor
9
; there, weeping and lamenting, he began to request that he might be allowed to compel the kite to give bail.
There are innumerable other things that I could mention, if I had the leisure. But which of you two is the sharper? Tell me.
320
LYCONIDES
I—as being much the better one.
STROBILUS
A cook I ask for, not a thief
10
.
LYCONIDES
As a cook, I mean.
STROBILUS
(to ANTHRAX.)
What do you say?
ANTHRAX
I’m just as you see me.
LYCONIDES
He’s a nine-day cook
11
; every ninth day
he’s in the habit of going out to cook.
325
ANTHRAX
You, you three-lettered fellow
12
;
do you abuse me, you thief?
LYCONIDES
To be sure I do, you trebly-distilled thief of thieves
13
.
Aulularia. Plautus. Henry Thomas Riley (Translator). London. 1912.
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