T. Maccius Plautus Asinaria 3.3

ARGYRIPPUS

Why are you holding me back?

PHILENIUM

Because, as I love you, I cannot bear your departing.

ARGYRIPPUS

Farewell.

PHILENIUM

I should fare somewhat better, if you were to remain here.

ARGYRIPPUS

Blessings on you.

PHILENIUM

Do you wish for blessings on me, to whom you are bringing disease by your departure?

ARGYRIPPUS

Your mother has bid me the last farewell ¹ ; she has requested me to go home.

PHILENIUM

A bitter death will she cause her daughter, if I must part from you.

595

LIBANUS

(apart, to LEONIDA.)

Troth now, the man has been turned out of doors there.

LEONIDA

(apart.)

Such is the fact.

ARGYRIPPUS

Prithee, do let me go.

PHILENIUM

Whither are you going now? Why don’t you stay here?

ARGYRIPPUS

This night, if you choose, I’ll stay.

LIBANUS

(apart.)

Don’t you hear him? How profuse he is of his attentions by night. But now, in the daytime, he’s engaged; surely he’s a Solon ²

to write laws whereby the public may regulate itself. Psha! those who would be in readiness for themselves to pay obedience to his laws, would decidedly never do any good; they would be drinking night and day.

600

LEONIDA

(apart.)

Troth now, for sure, he wouldn’t budge a foot from her if she would let him, who is now in such haste, and is threatening that he’s going away from her.

LIBANUS

(apart.)

Now make an end of your talk, that I may catch his discourse.

605

ARGYRIPPUS

Farewell!

PHILENIUM

Whither are you hastening?

ARGYRIPPUS

Kindly fare you well! I shall see you in the other world ³ . For indeed now, so soon as I can, I shall sever myself from life.

PHILENIUM

Prithee, why, while I do not deserve it, do you wish to consign me to death?

ARGYRIPPUS

I—you? whom, if I were to hear that you were in want of life, at once would I

present you my own life, and from my own would add to yours.

610

PHILENIUM

Why, then, do you threaten that you will quit life? For what do you suppose that I shall do, if you do that which you are talking of? I’m determined to do everything exactly the same to myself that you do to yourself.

ARGYRIPPUS

O! sweeter than honey are you to me.

PHILENIUM

And surely you are my life. Embrace me.

ARGYRIPPUS

I do so with pleasure.

615

(They embrace.)

PHILENIUM

Would that thus we might be carried to the tomb.

LEONIDA

(apart.)

O Libanus, how wretched is the man that loves.

LIBANUS

(apart.)

Aye, but surely, faith, the man that’s hanging up ⁴ is much more wretched.

LEONIDA

(apart.)

I know that, who have had experience of it. Let’s go round them: let’s accost them, one on the one side, one on the other.

(One walks towards them from each side.)

LIBANUS

Health to you, master. But is this female, smoke, that you are embracing?

ARGYRIPPUS

Why so?

620

LIBANUS

Because your eyes are filled with tears; ’twas for that reason I asked.

ARGYRIPPUS

One who would have been a protector to you, you have lost.

LIBANUS

I’ faith, I surely haven’t lost one; for this reason, be cause I never had one.

LEONIDA

Health to you, Philenium.

PHILENIUM

What you desire, the Gods will give you.

LIBANUS

I could desire your favours, and a cask of wine, if wishes were to come to pass.

ARGYRIPPUS

Whip-knave, beware how you speak a word.

625

LIBANUS

Why, ’tis for you, not for myself, I wish it.

ARGYRIPPUS

For that reason, then, say on what you please.

LIBANUS

(pointing to LEONIDA.)

Troth, I’d like to give him a beating.

LEONIDA

Who, pray, would allow you to do so, you frizzle- pated ⁵ mountebank? Could you thrash me, you, who reckon as your daily food your own thrashings?

ARGYRIPPUS

How far superior, Libanus, are your lots to my own,

who never will live this day until the evening.

630

LIBANUS

For what reason, prithee?

ARGYRIPPUS

(pointing to PHILENIUM.)

Because I’m in love with her, and she’s in love with me, and nowhere have I anything to bestow upon her; for that reason has her mother expelled me with all my affection from her house. The twenty minae of silver have brought me to my end, which the young man, Diabolus, declared that he would give her this day,

in order that she mightn’t send her anywhere, for this whole year, except to himself. Don’t you see of what force are twenty minae of silver, or what they can effect? The man who parts with them is happy; I, who part not with them, am undone.

635

LIBANUS

Has he already paid ⁶ the money?

ARGYRIPPUS

He hasn’t paid it.

LIBANUS

Be of good courage; don’t be afraid.

LEONIDA

(to LIBANUS.)

Step this way, Libanus, I want you.

LIBANUS

Certainly, if you want anything.

(Steps aside, putting his hand on the shoulder of LEONIDA.)

ARGYRIPPUS

I entreat of you,

is it more pleasant in this same matter for you to discourse hugging one another?

640

LIBANUS

Understand, master, that all things are not equally sweet to all persons. ’Tis pleasant for you lovers to converse, hugging one another; I care nothing for his hugging (pointing to LEONIDA), and (pointing to PHILENIUM) she despises mine. Do you then yourself do that which you would be suggesting to us to do.

ARGYRIPPUS

Indeed I will, and really with pleasure, i’ faith. (Placing his arm round PHILENIUM’S neck.) In the meantime, if it seems good to you, do you step aside there.

645

LEONIDA

(to LIBANUS.)

Should you like our master to be bantered a bit?

LIBANUS

He really is deserving of it.

LEONIDA

Should you like me, in his presence, to make Philenium embrace me?

LIBANUS

I’ faith, I should like it.

LEONIDA

Follow me this way.

(They join ARGYRIPPUS.)

ARGYRIPPUS

Is there any escape at all? Have you conversed enough?

LEONIDA

Listen, and give attention, and devour my words.

First of all, that we are your slaves, we don’t deny; but if twenty silver minae are forthcoming for you, by what name will you call us?

650

ARGYRIPPUS

Freed-men.

LEONIDA

And not patrons?

ARGYRIPPUS

That in preference.

LEONIDA

(produces the bag.)

Here are twenty minae in this bag. These, if you like, I’ll give you.

ARGYRIPPUS

May the Deities ever preserve you,

protector of your master, honor to the people, treasury of resources, preserver of my inner man ⁷ , and commander of love; place it here, put down that bag, here on the spot, at once ⁸ .

655

LEONIDA

I don’t like you, who are my master, to carry this load.

ARGYRIPPUS

Still, do you rid yourself of the trouble, and fasten that bag to myself.

LEONIDA

I’ll carry it, porter-like; you, as befits my master, go, without any burden, before me.

660

ARGYRIPPUS

How now?

Why’s this?

Why don’t you give up the bag ⁹ here, for your master to feel its weight?

LEONIDA

Bid her to whom I’m about to give it, to beg and entreat it of me. For that’s a dangerous spot where you bid me put it down at once.

PHILENIUM

(to LEONIDA.)

Apple of my eye, my rose, my life, my delight,

Leonida, do give me the money, and don’t sever us lovers asunder.

665

LEONIDA

(to PHILENIUM.)

Call me, then, your little sparrow, your chicken, your quail, your pet lamb: say that I’m your pet kid or your pet calf; take me by the ears, press your lips to my lips.

ARGYRIPPUS

She, kiss you, you whip-scoundrel?

LEONIDA

Really, how unbecoming it does seem!

But, by the powers, you shan’t get it this day, if my knees are not embraced.

670

ARGYRIPPUS

(aside.)

Necessity compels to anything. (To LEONIDA.) Let them be embraced (kneels down and embraces his knees): now give what I’m asking for.

PHILENIUM

Come, my Leonida, prithee do bring safety to your master thus in love. Redeem yourself from him by this service, and purchase him for yourself with this money.

LEONIDA

You are very pretty and amiable; and if this were mine, you should never this day

ask me for it, but I would give it you: ’tis better for you to ask it of him (pointing to LIBANUS), for ’twas he gave it me to keep for him. Approach him then prettily, my pretty one. (Delivers the bag to LIBANUS.) Take this, please, Libanus.

675

ARGYRIPPUS

Scoundrel, are you still trifling with me?

LEONIDA

I’ faith, I should never have done so, if you hadn’t embraced my knees so roughly. (Aside to LIBANUS.) Come, please, in your turn, do you at once have some sport with him, and give her an embrace.

LIBANUS

(aside to LEONIDA.)

Hold your tongue; trust me for that.

680

ARGYRIPPUS

Why don’t we accost him, Philenium? (pointing to LIBANUS)—really, a very worthy fellow, upon my faith, and not like this thief (pointing to LEONIDA).

LIBANUS

(aside to LEONIDA.)

We must walk up and down; now, in my turn, they’ll be entreating me.

ARGYRIPPUS

By heaven, Libanus, I do entreat you, be pleased by your deeds to come to your master’s rescue; do give me those twenty minae: you see that thus in love I stand in need of them.

LIBANUS

It shall be seen to; I wish it done; return here at nightfall. Now bid her, ever so little, to beg and entreat them of me.

685

PHILENIUM

(to LIBANUS.)

Do you wish me to begin with caressing, or with kissing you?

LIBANUS

Why, really, with them both.

PHILENIUM

And do you then, I do entreat you, prove the saving of us both.

ARGYRIPPUS

O Libanus, my patron, do give me that; ’tis more becoming

for the freed-man ¹⁰ , than for the patron, to be carrying a burden in the street.

690

PHILENIUM

My Libanus, golden apple of my eye, the gift and the very grace of love; there’s a dear, whatever you wish, I’ll do; prithee, do give us that money.

LIBANUS

Call me, then, your little duck, dove, or your puppet; your swallow, jackdaw, little sparrow, your mannikin:

make of me the reptile that crawls, so that I may have a double tongue ¹¹ ; enfold me in your arms, and embrace my neck.

695

ARGYRIPPUS

She, embrace you, villain?

LIBANUS

Really, how undeserving I do seem. You shan’t for no purpose have uttered a speech so unseemly against me. By my troth, if indeed you expect to get this money, this day you shall carry myself on your shoulders.

ARGYRIPPUS

What? I, carry you?

700

LIBANUS

Otherwise, you shan’t get this money from me.

ARGYRIPPUS

Heavens, I’m undone! Still, if indeed it is decorous for the master to carry the servant, mount.

LIBANUS

In this way are proud people wont to be tamed. Stand still then, just as you were wont to do when formerly a boy ¹² . Do you understand what I say? (He prepares to get upon the shoulders of ARGYRIPPUS.) Aye—so—move on: I praise you much; not any horse is there more clever than yourself as a horse.

ARGYRIPPUS

(while stooping.)

Get on, directly.

705

LIBANUS

I’ll do so. (He gets on.) Hallo!—what’s the matter? How are you going? By my troth, I’ll deprive you of your barley then, if you don’t amble ¹³ , lifting up your feet.

ARGYRIPPUS

Prithee, Libanus, there’s enough now.

LIBANUS

Never this day, by my troth, shall you get anything by entreaty. For now up hill with the spur will I push on my steed. After that, I’ll deliver you to the millers, that there you may be tortured as you run ¹⁴ .

Stand still, that I may now at once get down for the hill, although you are but a bad one.

710

(Gets off his shoulders.)

ARGYRIPPUS

Well now—since you’ve both made fun of me just as you liked, are you going to give the money?

LIBANUS

Why, yes, if, indeed, you erect to me a statue and an altar, and then sacrifice an ox to me here as though to a God; for I am the Divinity Salvation to you.

LEONIDA

Nay, but, master, do you betake yourself away from him, and do you come to me.

And, what he has demanded for himself, will you erect a statue for me, and offer prayers to me?

715

ARGYRIPPUS

But what Divinity am I to call you?

LEONIDA

Fortune, and that the Propitious one ¹⁵ .

ARGYRIPPUS

You are better than he then.

LIBANUS

Why, is there ever anything better for a man than Salvation?

ARGYRIPPUS

Though I praise Fortune, still, not to speak in dispraise of the Divinity Salvation—

PHILENIUM

By the powers, but they are good, both of them.

ARGYRIPPUS

I shall know it, when they have conferred anything that’s good.

LEONIDA

Wish for that which you desire to befall you.

720

ARGYRIPPUS

What if I do wish it?

LEONIDA

It shall come to pass.

ARGYRIPPUS

I wish for her to be devoted to me alone this whole year round.

LEONIDA

You have obtained it.

ARGYRIPPUS

Do you really say so?

LEONIDA

I do say so for certain.

LIBANUS

Come to me, in my turn, and make trial: wish ardently for that which you especially desire to happen to you; it shall be done.

ARGYRIPPUS

What other thing could I ardently wish for rather than that of which I am in want?

Oblige me with twenty silver minae to give to her mother.

725

LIBANUS

They shall be given: take care and be of good courage, your wishes shall be fulfilled.

ARGYRIPPUS

Just as they are wont, Salvation and Fortune are deceiving mortals.

LEONIDA

I this day have been the head in finding this money for you.

LIBANUS

I have been the foot.

ARGYRIPPUS

Why, neither head nor foot of your talking is visible;

I can understand neither what you mean, nor why you are trifling with me.

730

LIBANUS

I think that now you’ve been teased enough; now let’s disclose the matter as it really stands. Give your attention, Argyrippus, if you please. Your father has ordered us to bring this money to you.

ARGYRIPPUS

How very à propos and opportunely you have brought it.

LIBANUS

(giving him the bag.)

Here, in this, there will be twenty good minae, obtained by bad means:

these, on certain conditions, he bade us give you.

735

ARGYRIPPUS

Prithee, what are they?

LIBANUS

That you would grant him her favours and an entertainment.

ARGYRIPPUS

Bid him come, I beg. For him who deserves it right well, we’ll do what he wishes, him who has brought these scattered loves of ours to a happy result.

LEONIDA

You’ll permit your father then, Argyrippus, to caress her?

ARGYRIPPUS

She, by being restored to me, will easily cause me to permit it.

Prithee, Leonida, run, and beg my father to come here.

740

LIBANUS

He has been in the house some time.

ARGYRIPPUS

He hasn’t come this way, at all events.

LIBANUS

(pointing to the back way.)

He came round that way ¹⁶ by the lane, through the garden, lest any one of his friends should see him coming here; he’s afraid that his wife may come to know of it. If your mother knew about the money, how it was obtained—

ARGYRIPPUS

Well, well—

do use words of good omens ¹⁷ ;

745

go in-doors quickly,

farewell.

LEONIDA

And you two, love on.

(He and LIBANUS go into the house of DEMAENETUS; ARGYRIPPUS and PHILENIUM into that of CLEAERETA.)