T. Maccius Plautus Asinaria 5.2

ARTEMONA

Prithee, do you say that my husband is carousing here, together with my son?—and that he has carried to his mistress twenty minae of silver?—and that, with the knowledge of my son, his father is perpetrating this wickedness?

A PARASITE

Trust me in nothing henceforth, either divine or human,

Artemona, if you find me untruthful in this matter.

855

ARTEMONA

Wretched then am I, who have supposed that, beyond others, my husband was sober, decent, chaste, and especially fond of his wife.

A PARASITE

But now, henceforth, understand that he, before all men, is a person of the smallest worth—a drunkard, a good-for-nothing fellow, unchaste, and a contemner of his own wife.

ARTEMONA

I’ faith, if this wasn’t true, he would never be doing the things that he is now doing.

860

A PARASITE

Upon my word, I too always hitherto took him to be a decent person; but by this action he declares himself,—to be carousing, indeed, together with his son, and, a decrepit old man, toying with a mistress in his company.

ARTEMONA

For this it is, i’ faith, that he’s going out to dinner every day.

He says that he’s going to Archidemus, Chereas, Chaerestratus, Clinius, Chremes, Cratinus, Dinias, Demosthenes: while he’s thinking of debauchery, and public dens of infamy with his harlot.

865

A PARASITE

Why don’t you bid your maid-servants carry him off home upon their shoulders?

ARTEMONA

Do you only be quiet. By my troth, I’ll surely give him some trouble.

A PARASITE

I’m sure of it, that so it will befall him, so long, indeed, as you shall continue married to him.

ARTEMONA

I was fancying that this fellow was still giving attendance either in the senate or to his dependants: that for that reason it was, that, worn out with fatigue, he snored the whole night through. Wearied with his labours out of doors he comes home at night. Another’s farm he ploughs, his own he leaves untilled.

Both he himself is corrupted, and he corrupts his son as well.

875

A PARASITE

Do you only follow me this way, I’ll make you just now to fall upon the man himself in the very fact.

ARTEMONA

By heaven, there’s nothing that I could more wish for.

A PARASITE

Just stop there.

(He moves stealthily forward, and examines the other side of the stage.)

ARTEMONA

What’s the matter?

A PARASITE

(returning to her.)

If perchance you were to see your husband reclining, if you beheld him with a garland on, caressing a mistress, could you recognize him?

ARTEMONA

I’ troth, I could.

880

A PARASITE

(points to the other end of the stage.)

Then there’s your man.

ARTEMONA

(moving stealthily forward with the PARASITE.)

I’m undone.

A PARASITE

Stay a little. Let’s observe in private, from ambush, what business they are about.

ARGYRIPPUS

What end will you put to your caresses, father?

DEMAENETUS

I confess, my son—

ARGYRIPPUS

What do you confess?

DEMAENETUS

That I’m utterly undone with love for her.

A PARASITE

(to ARTEMONA.)

Do you hear what he says?

ARTEMONA

I hear.

DEMAENETUS

(to PHILENIUM.)

Ought I not to filch the mantle from my wife at home,

which she is so fond of, and bring it to you? Though my wife’s life should last a whole year in consequence, by my troth I could not be dissuaded from doing so.

885

A PARASITE

(to ARTEMONA.)

Do you suppose that he has been accustomed to frequent a brothel to-day for the first time?

ARTEMONA

Upon my faith, it was he that was pilfering me; whereas I was suspecting my maid-servants, and was tormenting the wretched creatures who were innocent all the while.

ARGYRIPPUS

Father,

bid him pour out some wine; ’tis a long time since I drank first ² .

890

DEMAENETUS

(to the SERVANT.)

Begin, boy, from the top ³ . (To PHILENIUM.) Come, do you meanwhile from below give me a kiss.

(Kisses her.)

ARTEMONA

(to the PARASITE.)

Wretch that I am, I’m undone! How the villain, the garnishing of a bier ⁴ , is kissing away.

DEMAENETUS

A breath, by my faith, somewhat sweeter than that of my wife.

PHILENIUM

Tell me, there’s a dear, does the breath of your wife smell bad?

DEMAENETUS

I’d prefer to drink bilge-water, if it were necessary, rather than kiss her.

ARTEMONA

(apart.)

Aye, pray, how say you? By my troth, to your own great detriment, you’ve surely said that against me. Never mind; only de you come home, I’ll let you know what danger there is in speaking abusively against a wife with a dowry.

PHILENIUM

By heavens, you are a wretch.

ARTEMONA

(apart.)

I’ faith, he’s deserving so to be.

ARGYRIPPUS

How say you, father?

(Takes a draught in the meanwhile.)

Don’t you love my mother?

900

DEMAENETUS

Who—I? I love her just now, because she isn’t present.

ARGYRIPPUS

How, when she is present?

DEMAENETUS

Then, I wish she was dead.

A PARASITE

(apart to ARTEMONA.)

This fellow is fond of you, according to what he says.

ARTEMONA

On my word, he’s surely laying out all this at interest; for if, this day, he returns home, I’ll especially have my revenge in kissing him.

ARGYRIPPUS

(handing the dice-box.)

Father, throw the dice; that afterwards I may have a throw.

DEMAENETUS

By all means.

You, Philenium, for myself, and death for my wife. (He throws.) ’Tis Venus’s cast ⁵ . Lads, clap your hands, and give me some honeyed wine in my cup, in honor of my throw.

905

ARTEMONA

(apart.)

I can hold out no longer.

A PARASITE

(apart.)

If you haven’t learned the fulling trade ⁶ , it’s not to be wondered at; now it’s quite fitting for you to beset his eyes. (They make their appearance before the revellers.)

ARTEMONA

By heavens, I will live, and you this day have made that invocation to your own great misfortune.

A PARASITE

Will some one run to fetch the undertakers ⁷ ?

ARGYRIPPUS

Health to you, mother.

ARTEMONA

Health indeed after this fashion!

A PARASITE

(aside.)

Demaenetus is dead. ’Tis time to betake myself hence: this battle bravely waxes hot. I’ll be off to Diabolus. I’ll tell him his orders are performed as he desired them; and in the meantime I’ll persuade him that we should take a meal, while these people are squabbling.

Afterwards, in fine, I’ll bring him here to-morrow, to the procuress, that he may give her the twenty mince, that, in his turn, he in his passion may be enabled to obtain this damsel. I hope that Argyrippus will be able to be prevailed upon to allow him to pass each alternate night with him in her company; for, unless I obtain that, I’ve lost my patron ⁸ ; so great is the passion of the man by reason of his love.

915

(He quietly withdraws.)

ARTEMONA

(addressing PHILENIUM.)

What business have you to give a retreat here in your house to my husband?

920

PHILENIUM

Troth, he really will this day be the death of wretched me, through sheer disgust.

ARTEMONA

(to DEMAENETUS.)

Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS

I’m undone.

ARTEMONA

Yes, you are ⁹ ; don’t, i’ faith, gainsay it, you most vile of all men. Why, the cuckoo’s still on his nest ¹⁰ . Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS

Woe to me!

ARTEMONA

You prophesy correctly. Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS

Step a little this way then.

925

ARTEMONA

Rise, wencher, be off home.

DEMAENETUS

Now, prithee, wife—

ARTEMONA

Do you remember now that I’m your wife? It was but just now, when you were heaping abuse upon me, that I wasn’t your wife.

DEMAENETUS

I’m utterly ruined.

ARTEMONA

Why, pray? Does the breath of your wife smell strong?

DEMAENETUS

It smells of myrrh.

ARTEMONA

Have you filched my mantle then to be giving to your harlot?

ARGYRIPPUS

By the powers—what, did he promise that he would filch your mantle?

930

ARTEMONA

Won’t you hold your tongue?

ARGYRIPPUS

I was going to dissuade him, mother.

ARTEMONA

(to ARGYRIPPUS.)

A pretty son! (To DEMAENETUS.) Is it proper for a father to teach these morals to his children? Are you ashamed of nothing?

DEMAENETUS

I’ faith, if there’s nothing else, I’m ashamed of you, wife.

ARTEMONA

With your hoary head, your wife is dragging you, you cuckoo, from dens of infamy.

DEMAENETUS

The dinner’s cooking; mayn’t I stop, only to take my dinner?

935

ARTEMONA

Faith, you’ll dine to-day on a heavy mishap, as you deserve.

DEMAENETUS

(rising.)

I shall repose but uncomfortably; my wife is taking me home condemned.

ARGYRIPPUS

I told you, father, not to devise ill against my mother.

PHILENIUM

(to DEMAENETUS.)

Do remember about the mantle ¹¹ , there’s a dear.

DEMAENETUS

(calls out to CLEAERETA.)

Won’t you order her to go away from here?

ARTEMONA

(to DEMAENETUS.)

Be off home.

940

PHILENIUM

(to DEMAENETUS.)

Do give me a kiss, at least, before you go.

DEMAENETUS

(to PHILENIUM.)

Go hang yourself.

(Exeunt.)

PHILENIUM

No, I’ll go in, in preference. (To ARGYRIPPUS.) Follow me this way, my life.

ARGYRIPPUS

Yes, I follow.

The COMEDIANS

If this old fellow, unknown to his wife, has been in any way indulging his own inclinations, he has been doing nothing new or wonderful, or otherwise than others are in the habit of doing. No one is there of a disposition so severe, or of a temper so firm,

but that he will enjoy himself when he has any opportunity. Now if you wish to interpose in behalf of this old man, so that he be not punished, we think that it can be brought about if you give us loud applause.

945